Tales From Normal, Mn.--FICTION

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Tales from Normal, Mn. Headline News---FICTION

Monday, September 17, 2007

Dateline Normal: Herman explains the O.J. Saga; ---FICTION

Oh how I love it when the big story breaks. The thrill of going to work, with all the tech toys to separate the real from the fake video, ala. Bin Laden video, and now the latest masterpiece---the O.J. Simpson audio of the break in.

O.K. It was a little incoherent. But the most disturbing part--- the lingo made me feel real out of date----I mean it was hard even understanding the profanity, much less the content of thought. Finally----I just threw up my hands in despair. How could I publish an audio of incoherent profanity? Besides, I have always followed a "four expletive deleted rule"-----If there are FOUR "bleeps" necessary in one sentence----the sentence---well---- it must simply be deleted.

Wondering how to handle the breaking coverage, and being always responsive to my demanding readers, I moved quickly to pick up the cell phone and dial Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn., a historic fishing town, just south of Garrison, Mn., and yes with the brick stone bait shop. Up in those parts, they put their bricks on the houses.

Herman answered on the first ring:

I blurted out: "Herman, what's with somebody breaking into a hotel room to get his old sports stuff back---like old jerseys and pictures and stuff. Let me just ask you, Herman-----do you have any old sports stuff that we might need to do a little burglary to get back?"

Herman started laughing uncontrollably. "Of course not, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) I am NOT a star. When you just watch the football stars on Sunday, you have a wife and such---the rule for us normal folks is that we cannot "covet our neighbor's wife"-----with the guys that are STARS, they have so many women, and so few wives....that the sports momentos are the things that are coveted---and fought for. It's just real natural. It's primitive..It's rude and crude, but it goes back a long time.----" The Don't mess with my xxxx Rule." It was around long before Moses.

Wow. Now I understood.

It sure is good to be back in good old Wiscosnin. Where we don't just covet the old sports photos and such. Where we have wives. Where we do not have the huge harem of groupies that take all our time. Where our stuff is right at the end of the bed and there is no need to commit a little burglary to find it.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Dateline Normal: " The Biggest Score---the Longest Game"-----FICTION

Recently I sat through a football game. A really lopsided affair. In fact, the game was over quickly in the first five minutes when fans saw our hometeam slicing through the opponent like butter.

The funniest part was with 16 seconds to go in the first half, with the hometeam leading by 35 points, a timeout was called. I was in disbelief. The coach had the hope that one more score could be launched before halftime.

It was just not like I remember it in the old days------- Why back in the 60's our old coach had three squads and rotated them throughout the game. One, Two Three he used to shout.
Everyone got to play. Win or lose. Nowdays, no matter how tired the starters were, or how many concussions they had, they were in there.

Usually when I do not understand some local matter, I pick up the phone and call my old friend, Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn.----he is a trained lawyer and sits on the Normal School Board in Normal, a small fishing village just south of Garrison, Mn., and west of Lake Woebegone.

"Herman what do I not understand. Something must have changed.?"

Herman just laughed. "Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), nowdays coaches are compensated on a total points system. Yes........ there is a flat yearly stipend---but there are bonuses for so many points per game, per half, points per season, as well as the number of points scored against by opponents.

"If that coach had got just one more touchdown before halftime, he might have qualified for a $1000 bonus. It was a real moxie move."

"But what happened to sportsmanship.....and .....what happened to the old "mercy rule", where coaches were required to play third stringers after the points had reached 35."

"The days of mercy are over, Wolfman. It's just pure free enterprise. Only the first stringers get to play these days. "

I was just stunned.

I always did like the old rotation though. The games were real exciting to watch. Nowdays, the excitement is whether the coach will keep playing the first stringers after their second concussion. Now that is a real crowd thumper.