Tales From Normal, Mn.--FICTION

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Tales from Normal, Mn. Headline News---FICTION

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Poor Celebrate the Rise of Estate Taxes: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

It's gonna be a BIG Fiscal Cliff coming January 1st, and I just got the news from Normal, Mn. that they are going to have a special celebration at the Loose Caboose Lounge featuring a very hot Tex Mex band--all to celebrate the return of the Estate Taxes as of January 1st----There was an extensive article on this subject in the Fishermen news report last Wednesday...in fact lots of very well written articles...and it is sure too bad that the financial press has not covered it....the return of the Estate Tax is going to be a real cause for celebration for the average fisherman.

Glorious stock prices for banks, even though year filled with indictments: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Last night at the Church of the Perpetual Fisherman, pastor John went on a little tangent right after describing the poor conditions that the Lord had to endure at the time of His birth, the manger, the hardness of the dirt floor, and the lack of plumbing...and then went on a tangent to describe the state of stocks in America for banks that keep getting indicted for misconduct at the same time the fat cats on Wall Street are making money on hyping their stock prices higher and higher....Pastor John is one who is known for his favorite sermon about the time that the Lord chased the money changers out of the temple....Anyway...right after this tangent, pastor John went on to compare the Wise Men who visited the Lord with the "wise men" of Washington....it was quite a sermon...I just wish you had been there...it was the most exciting thing happening last night in Normal, Mn.

Poor Criticized for not buying more with no money this Christmas: Tales From Normal, Mn.;FICTION

Just got the press release from Normal Minn News today...seems that pundits are saying that the very low increase in retail sales year over year in December 2012 made Christmas a "bust" and it's all the fault of those poor consumers who could have at least been considerate of the rich folks betting on the stock market by at least buying a few more little things to share....Nice.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Faithful urged to listen carefully to the Tape Recorder: Tales From Normal, MN:FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that due to the shortage of pastors, the local supervisor has ordered that no local pastor be allowed to preach the xmas message, but rather, there will be a tape recorded message of the story of the birth of Jesus...just to make sure that there are no incorrect ideas presented...the locals will still be responsible for the collection however...and yes cash and checks are still allowable...stay tuned as I follow this story.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Good Kids Don't Chalk Sidewalks: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from the boys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn., where all the coffee is double strong, where all the whipped cream is no charge, and where as a special deal during the holidays, specialty coffee flavors are at regular prices....the boys noted that "Good" kids that wanted to be on the good graces of Santa this year, needed to know that "goodness" now means that you have not chalked any sidewalk during the past year...yes the governor of these here parts has put down his ...foot...and said that this is a misdemeanor crime...and it will be held on the childhood record, and fines will be stiff...because in a world where white collar crime may go unnoticed, and violent crime may be hard to prevent, and slick wall street crime may be hard to detect much less prosecute...sidewalk chalking crime is pretty straight foreward...so beware, and be afraid...the governor is watching...make a note of it.

Giving Away All You Have for a Tax Deduction Praised by Accountants; Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

Just got the text from Johnson, Johnson, and Johnson, the revered accounting firm of Normal, Mn., a firm so revered it still utilizes its old IBM computer equipment from the 1960's to do extensive spreadsheet analysis....they just sent out a mass mailing...not an email..to all their clients in the Midwest today..and praised the idea of accelerating equipment purchases into this tax year...under the theory that at least when one gives away all ones money to buy some farm equipment, one knows where the money went...as opposed to having lots of money in the next year, but being unsure of the tax code.... One of the reasons that the accounting profession has survived for ao long, is that Fear and Greed have survived for so long....and if you stop in the accounting firm of Johnson, Johnson, and Johnson during the week between Christmas and New Years, please take off your boots so you do not spread snow and salt on their new marble flooring just installed for the convenience of their customers.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Guys want a "Crash" before they will negotiate: Committed: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Harry, the Crazy Catfishermen from Normal, Mn.-----after a long week of just watching Clint Eastwood movies, he says that he would refuse to negotiate ANYTHING unless all HEXX broke lose, unless the stock market plunged at least a thousand points---then and only then would he think of yielding...his pride would be wounded but he could plead necessity..... The locals here are having Crazy Harry, the famous Catfisherman from Normal, Mn. admitted into the local nursing home for dementia. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Fishermen predict the End of Republican Party if Fiscal Cliff Happens: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn...where all the coffee is double strong and the whipped cream is no extra charge---to a man they predict that if the Republicans allow the fiscal cliff to happen...it will effectively mean their demise....and yes the Dems know it.....This is a scene right out of "Dirty Harry"----go ahead and make my day.......

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Feds Hold 30 Day Meeting to be "Totally Transparent": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the tweet from the guys at Betty Lou's Cafe in Normal, Mn. that the Fed Officials from the monetary department have announced a 30 day meeting beginning tomorrow and in the meeting they will enumerate totally for 30 days what their objectives are, and hope to repeat the terms "fiscal stimulus" and "fiscal cliff" thousands of times till the onlookers are numb...some of the guys drinking coffee, double strong with the whipped cream no extra charge daily at Betty Lou's said outloud that the whole presentation seemed to reek of senility, but the officials just repeated that this was just economics. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Rich Might Leave Town, or Country--Locals Rejoice: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn---seems that the guys were all having coffee this morning at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop, and because it was kinda drizzling out decided to spend the morning talking politics...and FOX News was on the overhead TV, and it seems that one of the guys who was listening told the crowd that the "Rich might leave the country if they have to be taxed like everybody else"----the guys just sat there thinking...and then one of the guys just raised a cup of java in a toast----"Best wishes to all the rich in their new country"----the whole table cheered....and one by one they left the coffee shop...and whenever they spotted a rich taxpayer, driving a new luxury car...they just waved and offered to buy the car for .10 on the dollar, just to make the leaving easier...just a kind offering...and then the news spread, and all across the country..by twitter....that the rich were leaving...and then it snowed...and there was peace at Christmas.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

City gets tough on Spending for Library, Pool, Public Safety---then plans big expansion: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn.---the normal Sunday morning coffee clotch with all the fishermen in attendance...went into a political roundtable mode this morn as then discussed the problem of frozen city budgets---yup...it has affected even the smallest of fishing towns like Normal, Mn. where city employees have had their wages frozen for five years, and where even childrens book purchases are scrutinized by the the local Common Council...and where even it is decided in the highest circles whether an oil change is really needed for the local ambulance.... but...it turns out in all the fiscal discipline...that plans are underway to build a large library addition, add a pool, and even add a $600,000 fire truck...The guys were just bewildered on how governmental entities can make the public be frugal and not repair a public pool, and then decide to have another pool built, another library addition built etc. One guy speculated that the $600,000 fire truck might be needed to reach a cat or two that had climbed up trees or something...in general...the guys are just bewildered.

Wall Street Gurus Stunned: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn---seems that the Sunday morning crowd was chuckling that all last week the savviest of Wall Street TV pundits went on and on that they were totally shocked that the homeless, penniless victims of Hurricane Sandra had not turned out in droves to shop on Black Friday...and that there was a terrible total sales day in the retail sphere due to this happening....needless to say, the ravaged homeless were not surprised.

Friday, November 30, 2012

State Seeks Outside Contractor for Integrity: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn.----that august state authorities have declared that there is no need for panic in the finding that millions have gone unaccounted for in the private-public partnership that has been established to replaced the state function of Economic Development....that in a stroke of brilliance they have oursourced the "Integrity Officer"---now an organization can be corrupt and the integrity can just be outsourced...nice.

Poor Boy sells everything to "Avoid the Fiscal Cliff": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today that Jimmy John, the poorest of the poor from Normal, Mn....sold everything he had today at dirt poor prices...he had been watching FOX news and got scared...he thought the fiscal cliff was gonna wipe him out...so in his fear...he just wiped him out himself....your prayers are requested from the guys at Betty Lou's Cafe...where all the coffee is served double strong... where there is no extra charge for whipped cream...

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

"A City of Great Fire Trucks": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn---seems that the local governmental authorities have been brainstorming, and having given up a long time ago on being the "Soybean Capital" of the Midwest, or even the "Tree City", they have latched on to having more firetrucks and the best firetrucks that the world has ever seen---they have given up on being a place to nurture great families and have transitioned to a town of great firetrucks.....What can I say?

Sunday, November 25, 2012

More Space for "Candy" cited as need for $600,000 fire truck; Tales From Normal, Mn.: Fiction

Just got the text today from Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn.---seems the guys were speechless this morning when they learned that the local Fire Department has requested a brand spanking new fire truck that has an extended cab, which will be used mostly for parades so that the firemen have enough space to store all the candy that they throw down to the kids on the parade route...mostly hard candy, but occasionally a miniture snickers...which I have always been partial to....and the stone faced fireman that made the presentation to the Public Safety meeting recently said that one of the essential roles of the fire department is to provide public relations...or candy and sugar...to the public so that they will continue to support the role of fire trucks in our community....There has also been some discussion since the new fire truck will not fit in the current fire department building, which is just packed to the brim with fire trucks, that we need a new fire department building, and one that has a "conning tower" so that off duty firemen can sit in the "conning tower space" during the weekends, and while not watching movies etc, can watch out for smoke on the horizon....Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Monday, November 19, 2012

"Hostess Twinkie" Panic Grips Midwest; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

All age groups are suffering from depression this morning, as one by one citizens are coming to grips with the pending loss of their Hostess "Twinkies"----"What am I to eat then?" one senior blurted out.....Neighbors in Normal, Mn have gathered around and done their very best to comfort the forlorn, and have suggested some sugar rolls or glazed donuts for breakfast, but most of the sufferers have been just unable to cope...and it is not clear from the handbook of governmental departments..which department handles this particular need...stay tuned as I follow this story.

Seniors Worried Fiscal Cliff Cuts might affect the military channel: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

There was a wave of panic at Betty Lou's coffee shop in Normal, Mn. this morning, as Henry was heard to mourn the loss of the military channel on TV if the looming "fiscal cliff" happens..... Relax... One of the guys gently explained to Henry that the "Battle of Midway" will still be playing for the next hundred years, and he can still watch the channel 7 hours a day, but that new war footage will be curtailed since we will not be a nation at constant war and dreaming up new wars to participate in to prove that we are "strong".

Wall Street Excited Cause all the Politicos have Left Town; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text this morn from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn---that center of walleye fishing and yes serenity in Northern Minnesota.....the guys were laughing this morning cause Wall Street bounced higher and the guys felt this was just because all the politicians..the President as well as Congress had left town...and everybody knows that things work better when the politicos are gone...war and peace both seem to work better...stay tuned....it is too early to tell whether absence alone can cure the fiscal cliff....

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Generals Win National 2012 Erotic Fiction Award: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. and the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop---they were just giddy in their ridicule of all of us media and literary types..for all of our efforts to be great writers, news has come out today that two Generals have won the coveted 2012 National Erotic Fiction Award with volumes of prose that has approached 30,000 pages. This has brought all the other literary types in America to shame...but it has added a whole new page to the recruitment brochure of the ROTC programs nationwide.

"Serenity Requires Balance between Sex and Politics; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION"

Just got the text from the guys at the coffee shop in Normal, Mn...Betty Lou's---and there is a book signing today from a famous author that wrote on the power of "Every Sacred Moment" of our lives....now his follow up book "Balance Matters" touts that for all, and especially those in military service, there is a required balance between "Sex" and "Politics". This book was rushed into production over this past weekend due to events unfolding, and the book indeed does not specify whether a balance is needed between marital and extra-marital sex. That is left up to the reader....The first copies of the book have been snapped up by our Congressmen who have been totally blindsided by the recent sex scandals to the extent that they cannot think deeply about such things as the "fiscal cliff" or...anything for that matter...the financial things are on the back burner till all the details about sex are reviewed,....and reviewed...and reviewed....Seems that over the past four years, the "balance" had swung so far to the politics end of the proper living model, that we need nonstop sex scandal for months to come in order to get the proper peace of mind. Stay tuned.

Sex Scandal Expanded to all Married Men in Service; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the shocking news from Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn., that lazy fishing town in northern Minnesota, where men are fishermen, and the coffee is double strong---seems that the rumor is that ALL married men in uniform are being investigated for any emails that they may have sent or received from married folks other than their spouses during the time of their service....this is viewed as a national security threat investigation after the pattern of Tailhook II, or the follow up to the dallience of the Secret Service during foreign missions, and the recent disclosures about General Petraeus....I can see the logic...If one who is perfect sent thousands of emails etc, then those who never aspired to be perfect may have done the same.....the beauty about the power of data mining of all email over the past ten years or so...The investigation should be completed in 24 hours...Brace yourself.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Knocked Out Boxer Says He did nothing Wrong: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

"Sleek Jimmey" from Normal, Mn. suffered a knockout in the first round of a normally scheduled boxing match in Normal, Mn. on Tuesday night---but shortly after the fight he loudly asserted that he had fought the "perfect fight" and had not made any mistakes, and that it was all the "other guys fault". Stay tuned as I follow this story. The guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop just smiled when the story was told, and said that sometimes in boxing and politics this does occur.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Political Losers say it was all the Winners Fault: Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

Just got the news from Betty Lou's coffee shop this morning---just because everybody seemed a bit tense the morning after the election, Betty Lou switched to half-caff---she was afraid that a full dose of caffeine would cause a major brawl.... The guys were in shock...and especially the conservative guys that had their hearts set on a new President...and they were loudly blaming the victors for the defeat of the losing candidates----it was that logic that caused Betty Lou to make the switch to the lower caffeine level--- It sure is hard to lose in Normal, Mn..

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Republicans Grapple for answers,,,but no questions please just yet; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Betty Lou's Coffee Shop this morn in Normal, Mn.---the guys are grappling with answers about last night's election...but do not feel any rush to provide any questions...they do not want any and will tell you when they are open...stay tuned....

Florida Seniors Saddened that nobody political calls them hourly any more:: Can't Wait till next election: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got a call from Florida this morn...one of the relatives of Billy Bob the walleye guy from Normal, Mn. was visiting Florida and noted that all of Florida seems to be in a funk of withdrawal---nobody is calling them every hour any more about their vote...and they had gotten used to all the attention...and it seems like a big loss...they hope a new election comes real quick or medication might be necessary.....

Some Shocked that Raising Revenue might mean Higher Taxes, Lower Expenses; Tales From Normal, MN: FICTION

Just got the tweet from Normal, Mn. this morn, seems the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop this morning were shocked and dismayed by the news on television that explained that their taxes might go up or their benefits might go down....And the last question they wanted to know was what a "dividend" was....stay tuned as I follow this story.

Good Old Boy News is seeking Latino Spokesman: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text this morn from Normal, Mn. ....seems there was a bit of humor last night in the midst of the television reporting from Normal, Mn. , the Good Old Boys News Channel looked a bit uncomfortable explaining the importance of the Latino vote...and in fact this morn have placed an ad in the paper seeking a Latino to work in four years at the next election coverage event...6 hours....flexible hours, no health coverage..cash....Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

"Jersey is My Backup": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

If you have ever worked in lower Manhatten, you know several things----New Yorkers are very smart and have lots of moxie...and secondly..it is very hard to get a clear telephone connection due to the poor infrastructure---but New Yorkers have prepared for everything...they have Jersey as their backup...they gave up on God years ago, and in the event of a natural disaster, they have system backup in Jersey. Nice...I still like Iowa or Nebraska. Stay tuned as I follow the high IQ and wisdom of New York.

"All Press Releases via sign language---viewers assumed to be Deaf": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn that commented on the SNL skit which featured the sign language person who starred recently in New York with Mayor Bloomberg---the press release noted that for the past five years, all press presentations in Normal, Mn. have been Sign Language since it is assumed that all the viewers are DEAF. It appears that most of the audience is either DEAF or in DENIAL and the only way messages can properly be processed is if Sign Language is used...and it is harder to twitter the messages too. Signing slows down the transmission so that folks can truly understand the message...something unusual in modern life. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Political Poll Wins "Best Fiction" Award: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Shock and awe out of the New York Literary Society this week as the "Top Fiction" award was given to a recent political poll. Regular writers were totally outraged...and threatened to boycott the rest of the meetings...but leaders calmly replied that the "plot" was broadly construed and there was plenty of plotting and money changing hands if one could just imagine it, and yes the work was kinda comic, and fictional, and was just as bazarre as lots of other stuff submitted. And as far as the notion that these works were "scientific polls" they asserted that this has been a fiction for as long as our nation has existed. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Rifle Association Says they can Save Us: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the fifteenth call from the Normal, Mn rifle association, and it seems that they think they have a plan to save America----yup its guns, guns, and guns...and oh ya lots of ammo too. And the final thing is never to say "NO" to the Rifle Association. They have been sticking to this message for the past 100 years....and they consider it a miracle that this same remedy has worked like magic all these years and has made us the great nation that we are...Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Friday, November 2, 2012

"Never Rebuild in a Floodplain" replaces "Never Fight a Land War in Asia" as the greatest Wisdom of 20th Century: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. this morn from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee House...there was fierce debate this morning over the double strong coffee with no extra charge for whipped cream...the third mantra that was closely beaten out was "Never have Jersey as your back up plan". There has also been strong demand in the bait shops of Normal, Mn. for the "I will rebuild" bobble head doll....The small supply of these wonderful dolls has sold out, but an air shipment from China is expected shortly. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Normal, Mn. Endorses any candidate that will pay their expenses: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn.---it seems that the boys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop met this morning, and were laughing about the news that BOTH New York and New Jersey leaders have endorsed the President for reelection, and especially...and maybe a quid pro quo..if he agrees to pay 100% of the disaster expenses.....and the guys got the idea that this essential principle could apply to their little fishing town of Normal, Mn.---so they just put it out there ....that if either candidate would agree to pay their city expenses...to just give them a call....no pressure...but the election is next week...just sayin....

Politicians Courageously Press on Asking for Money till Polls Open: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn.;;;There is no time for rest...no time for the weary...the politicians are going to press on till the very last minute before the polls open on election day...all in the courageous act of fundraising for a bill from the media guys who will win no matter what...stay tuned as I follow this story.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Economists Excited that Workers have Given Up: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn this morn...seems that unemployment rates have fallen all over this great land, due to the fact that workers have given up their search for employment, and thus are no longer counted...and no longer counted means that they are no longer "unemployed"...or in other words they do not exist...so there it is...things are improving for the economists, the politicians, and other folks...but

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Government Responded TOO Quickly Critic Says" Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Shocking news today----Harry the "Crazy Cat Fisherman" from Normal, Mn, has criticized the government for too quickly responding to the flooding disaster of the local lake, Normal Lake. Everybody just smiled. They understood. "That's Crazy Harry"

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Only a Week left with NO TV or Phone: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Citizens of Normal, Mn are on edge today, but optimistic. Yes there has been a huge surge of anti-depressants dispensed, but the supply of these seem to be holding if the glide path of usage declines after the election...but nobody is sure of that. It seems that folks here are holding the hope that the mindless drivel and ranting of politics will end after the national election...and then they can resume to use their phones which have been of necessity off the hook...and they can once again turn on the sound for their TV. It has been speculated that one of the new TV products coming out in the new year will have a button to suppress all politics...If it is introduced with this feature, and eliminates all mindless drivel, it is unclear how much programming will be left, so stay tuned as I follow this story.

After Becoming Energy Self-Sufficient, City Plans on Exporting Every bit: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Shocking news from Normal, Mn today----after spending the last ten years becoming energy self sufficient, developing new fracking, new solar,new LG and new coal resources, Normal, Mn has decided to EXPORT all of these to Asia to get some money. The reason that since energy is a worldwide resource, who would care? Yup. That is the gifted reasoning of Normal, Mn. And your town? Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Banker overjoyed at fraud charges...hopes stock will soar; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Jimmy "the Weasel" Smith, President of the Down Home Bank in Normal, Mn. was sky high this morning as his wealth skyrocketed----his bank was indicted for "massive bank fraud" covering the past decade, and Wall Street responded instantly this morning by sending his stock higher...much higher. When asked how he felt, Jimmy replied" Well I sure felt like a "money center bank" this morning.....surely we are not that big, but whatever...the scandal has made me a rich man... Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Candidate stays we should remain "Strong" and create a few new Wars: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Recently Wally the "Weasel" Thompson, the conservative candidate for Mayor in Normal, Mn. spoke at the Rotary Luncheon held at the Spruce Goose Motel in Normal, Mn. You may remember the Spruce Goose Motel, cause it is the only motel that has a deer head on the wall in every room, plus all the beds come down from the wall. ...and under the pillow of each bed is a mini-snickers bar...anyway..I digress. Wally spoke softly, but firmly and said that America needed a new WAR right now in order to be "strong" and avoid the "fiscal cliff". He said he "hated" war personally, but was enthusiastic for young men that had no job prospects anyway, and who could learn a useful trade, such as mine detection and hand to hand combat----stuff that might come in handy when they got back home in bar fights...

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Candidate Says we need a military Man--who can invade Iraq if Afganistan attacks; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Wally "the Weasel" Smith, a veteran and fly fisherman from Normal, Mn was visiting today with the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop, where all the coffee is double strength, and the whipped cream is no extra charge---and he made a point that all the guys were stunned by-----In these trying days of political unrest, it is rare...rare indeed where we have the chance to vote for a military man who has the vision to attack Iraq when Afganistan starts the attack---that vision is sheer moxie.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

School District Pays for Concussions and Lifetime Disability: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Shocking news today out of Normal, Mn.---a Supreme Court in this fair state has ruled that parents of grade school and high school students, where they have been informed of the consequences of football injury and concussions, are no longer able to sign away the liability and hold the school district harmless----from today henceforth, the school district will be maintaining permanent health care coverage to cover this health care exposure---the costs will be high....and property taxes will be affected...but by unanimous agreement to a man at Betty Lou's Cafe, this is the best remedy---otherwise it would be children suing their parents...and that would be unseemly. Now, even though a town of 5000 people might have to have four or five rest homes just to cover the brain damaged, it would be worth it because football is just so darn entertaining. And besides, when polled, nobody in Betty Lou's cafe this morn could remember what they had been doing on Sunday, Monday, Thursday and Saturday besides football in days gone by...yup I guess that's the memory thing....Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Normal, Mn. shocked by decline in State Aid: Urges "Reform": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Locals have been buzzing at Betty Lou's Cafe this morning, that's the famous local coffee house where all the coffee is double strong, with whipped cream included at no extra charge, served in the Minnesota Viking blue mug----the State has announced that for the fourth straight year, state aids for Normal, Mn. will decline. The guys are just beside themselves. "The rich dudes are not paying their share", Billy Bob blurted out. "We don't have no rich" Henry retorted. " Us is all we got." Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"LiveHigh Founder Resigns": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The inspirational leader of the "LiveHigh for Life" organization, the trendsetting organization that touts the role of athletics and inspirational reflection to achieve the ideal life has resigned suddenly when it was learned that he has been under the influence of performance enhancing drugs. He is at the gym and unavailable for comment. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Candidate will pronounce policy positions once poll analysis is done: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The notorious candidate for President of the Normal, Mn. City Council, Billy Bob Johnson, has explained the delay in his statement on any policy issue for Normal, Mn. till just maybe 24 hours before the election, because he has been analyzing the polling data and has not completed the analysis yes...be patient...some announcements may be forthcoming.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Politico says Uncut video of him just got the story wrong: Tales from Normal, MN.: FICTION

A well known national candidate has recently told the nation that an uncut video of him saying that 47% of Americans were just "losers" and "dependents of the State" has gone on the record at a debate to say that the video just got the story wrong....that was not what he meant at all.... He is being referred to counselors, but they have cautioned that such prevarication is common in politics. Lies, dishonesty, dissembling, theft and much, much more are pretty typical..

School Strike Lockout Causes Home School Popularity to Grow: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well it has been quite a week in Normal, Mn.: After a school referendum failed that would have allowed the local district to bypass the state levy limits for property taxation on homeowners, the local school board met in public session and threw up its hands....they just could not make the math come out...with the state not fully sure of what the payment to the district would be, and the enrollment not sure because the open enrollment numbers kept rolling against them like a dice game....the school board decided to just close the school and let individual citizens "home school" for a while till things cooled down. The funny thing is that although many parents have had to quit their jobs, the general popularity of home school has risen...Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Bald Men say they did it all themselves..except for cooking: Tales From Normal, MN:FICTION

Last night at the Loose Caboose Bar and Grill in Normal, Mn. there was truly a big data sample of male electorate---well precisely bald older successful male electorate----and there was a complete consensus that they did it all themselves....they were the center of the universe and had no intention of sharing anything...well yes... they never learned to cook...but then... who cooks cheap beer? Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Drunken Fishermen love politico who would have destroyed GM and Big Banks: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Last night was quite a scene at the Loose Caboose Bar and Grill, a new spot in Normal, Mn, where just after happy hour had been closed for the evening, the Presidential debate began---the guys were loaded up at the bar with highballs, and the hooting quickly began as one candidate proposed that he would have allowed GM to fail, all the big banks too, and even would have eliminated Big Bird.......After two hours of Happy hour, the fishermen just scratched their heads....who was Big Bird they asked? Anyway, just the idea of allowing all the big banks to fail and GM too was so popular among the guys, most of whom had arrived on their Harley's for the local rally tomorrow morn. They agreed to a man that this candidate had a bold vision for America, and after four or five bar drinks they were sure of it. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

"Investors Lobby for Bernanke Channel": Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Investors in Normal, Mn, or at least from a sampling of guys at Betty Lou's coffee shop in the hub of town, that small fishing town where the coffee is double strong, served with whipped cream in those Minnesota Viking blue mugs that are famous...well it seems that investors want to have a special "Bernanke channel" on cable. Ever since the tv appearance of Ben yesterday, where Ben weighed in on the issues of the day, the locals here want to see him 24 hours of the day...and only a special channel will do. Others like the idea because that way they can get the best of Bernanke anytime and not have their regular programming interrupted with updates..It seems that the face of Ben with that whiskered look and "on the other hand" prose is so charming to some investors that there might be a real market here. Some have suggested that Ben might not want to have his name prominently on the channel, so it was suggested that the name be "On the Other Hand" channel, in honor of that Hegelian style that Ben loves so much. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Only Pros and Coaches left at Normal, Mn. High: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Due to the educational funding crisis, Normal, Mn. has announced that its school district is closing. It seems that only the Pros and the Coaches were left, since nobody could cut essential professional staff, and nobody could cut essential coach, assistant coach and very essential equipment expenses, and thus...nothing was left for teaching. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Packer loss triggers Emergency Declaration in Normal, Mn.: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Even Viking fans, when pressed, at the end of a battle between the frozen tundra and the wannabe Seattle types, just cannot believe in Hail Mary's---so the Packer loss Monday night has triggered an emergency declaration by the Public Safety department of Normal, Mn., which has bypassed normal city channels to recognize the perilous nature of residents behavior after such a loss, and especially a loss of almost a billion dollars to those betting types from all over the world. Such a world that depends firmly on the frozen tundra to take care of its own, sends shock waves through the entire financial system and is of course wider in its swath than banking...... Despite widespread irregular driving habits that were duly noted last night on highways of the frozen tundra that provided a hazard to all regular folk, the despair of the regular citizen today has paralyzed all commerce and sent chills down the spine, or whatever, of regular politicians. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Locals work their whole lives paying in to Social Security and are LOSERS: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The locals are dismayed today. All their lives they have paid in to Social Security and respected their elders, whom they have supported in Social Security, since it is a transfer program, not an entitlement program, and a transfer program that has been clearly so since the very first dispersement. This is a compact between generations, not an entitlement, and those who confuse this miss the point. So today, the locals are confused that after a lifetime of contributions, they are accused of being "losers". Mitt---take a mandatory "time out". You have crossed the line. The election is over.

Mayor candidate never went anywhere, did anything, proud of it.: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Billy bob Johnson is involved in a heated mayoral race in Normal, Mn, that peaceful town in northern Minnesota, where the serenity of walleye fishing gives everyone an ethereal view, and has asserted in the first mayoral debate, that he deserves to be elected because he never went anywhere, he stayed loyal, stayed home, did the little things, worked his way up the hard way, and although has done nothing, still deserves to be the mayor---stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

"Real Americans keep their assets offshore and export jobs to China": Tales From Nomal, Mn: FICTION

Dennis "the Weasel" Johnson, a famous bass fisherman from Normal, Mn., who pioneered a special lure for catching catfish, now manufactured in China, asserted yesterday in a candidates debate for Mayor of Normal, MN. that "real Americans" export jobs to China and keep their assets offshore in numbered accounts, and that "dependent loser Americans" hold regular jobs" and frankly are a burden to America. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Local Fisherman urges Wall Street to Have Apple replace S and P 500: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Billy Bob, the local bass fisherman from Normal, Mn. has written the SEC in New York and urged them to have the entire S and P 500 Index replaced with a single stock---Apple. His logic----"Apple is the only stock that I have ever owned that has gone straight up---everything else has sucked..It is time that America got it." I will follow this story and keep you in touch. Stay tuned.

Local Trader Proud that Free Markets are Rigged: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Luigi, a local stock jockey from Normal, Mn. just sent me a text ---he says that he is proud that our financial markets are finally rigged and secure after the federal reserve has intervened to destroy anyone who is bearish----He calls it the "Bernanke Spread"---It's an unlimited call paired with an unlimited put, and the only one that gets screwed is...well..the customer...and that sounds pretty good to wall street. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Local Hospital wins national Art Award: Docent showings on Monday: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Betty Boop Memorial Hospital in Normal, Mn., that small fishing town in northern Minnesota, where the peace of walleye fishing gives the walleye guys a special sense of peace....that the Hospital has been awarded the presitigous New York Art Award for 2012 for all the art works that are on every wall of the hospital.... The most pricey art works are between xray and laboratory on the first floor...so on Monday during the exhibition, patients should use caution, especially when in wheelchairs, not to disturb the docents and the folks standing in the halls with that reverent look on their faces as they stare intently at the art---they are not under the influence...they are just art lovers, and after all...that is an important part of the mission at Betty Boop Memorial Hospital.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Employees Want Evaluations on "How they feel": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today...that employees of the Billy Bob widget factory, a high tech company in Normal, Mn. have vigorously objected to the concept of an annual review of their performance, and have begun to picket outside the company...located right in the heart of Normal, Mn.. The employees say they have no objection to reviews, but just don't want their "essence" reduced to a mere calculation...a calculation of their work output or maybe even their attendance...that would be demeaning...top down...and algorithmic. They want to reviewed on "How they feel."

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Fed Chief "Takes Out Bazooka"; prints money; defies Conservatives: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the news today from the Feds, that our Fed Chairman has sent a bazooka of a message to those conservative pundits and politicians that said they wanted to remove him from his job---he is not going to go down swinging...and has responded by making everything more expensive starting right now...like coal, coffee, sugar houses and much, much more...Stay tuned.

Administrator Hired just for Dogs and Cats: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the startling news today, that Normal, Mn city hall has announced that a new administrator will be hired to handle animal control, or in local terms, to handle all the complaints about homeowners who have excessive animals at the home, or are conducting an animal boarding business from home. Oh---and in this new hires spare time, he or she will be working on planning documents...a nice complement of duties. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Local Newspaper cuts 26 positions; Vacant; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Local newspaper announced that they have cut 26 positions...They all have been vacant for years, but management called the move a "bold" step anyway. Stay tuned.

Shoe Shine Boy Spots Two "Amazing Opportunities" on Wall Street; Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

Just got the text from "Hank" from Normal, Mn who was touring Wall Street yesterday, and he sent me a short text from just by the bull that stands near Wall Street, right across from the Starbucks---He said he saw "two amazing opportunities"....he did not go into details, so I am not sure if he was speaking of special stock opportunities, or just attractive female tourists...but I have texted him to clarify, and will let you know shortly....

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Millionaires Agree they aren't Paid Enough: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the Normal, Mn. Elks Lodge that the Northern Millionaires Group that met in private today for four hours, emerged from an intense meeting to announce that they had agreed that they were not paid enough. More details are forthcoming and I pledge to get to the details.....

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Monti says they won't need no German Help---50% of Italians are tax evaders: Tales From Normal. Mn: FICTION

After slamming the Germans for thinking they are the saviors of the Universe, Monti has declared that Italians will begin to tax the 50% of Italians that avoid taxes....yo..nice goal dude....

Free Press on Rest Room Walls: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION:

Just got the text from Normal,MN: The only press that is free is on rest room walls---everything else is with subscription....the days of Walter Cronkite are over.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Tourists Coming to See Empty Buildings in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Finally Tourism Success has begun in Normal, Mn.---I just got the text that busses from all over the Midwest have been coming to Normal, Mn. to see all the empty storefronts from businesses leaving town, and docents mobile in the busses have described how not to conduct economic development so that businesses fail before they really start...It sure is nice to be a role model.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Excited about Buying Italian Debt: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. today that the ECB has announced a solution to the debt problem in the European Union----when you get down to the nub of it, Germany is going to backstop everything...with conditions of course...and that is where the excitement is coming from...the conditions for Italy probably will be forthright accounting, or maybe taxation of property..imagine....or maybe taxation of all the income in the black market..yo...and of course German debt has been downgraded since ..well...the prospects ....for the backstop...are not as good as the hype.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Politico says Cheese, Brats and Beer Clarified his Mind; Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Paul "The bunyan" Johnson, famous bass fisherman from Normal, Mn has recently announced his candidacy for national office, and has mentioned in his keynote speech, delivered in the main square of Normal, Mn., right next to the Pump and Dump Gas station, that he used to be a confused liberal, but that Cheese, brats and cheap beer helped to save his mind and give him political courage. In fact, before he began his diet of cheese, brats and cheap beer, he did not even run with a running watch and thought he was running a sub four hour marathon...Now that he has been saved to the conservative fold, he wears a watch and is firmly grounded. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

End of the World News sends stocks higher: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

When asked why stocks have headed higher on such terrible news, stock pundits just said that there was the feeling that after all these years, Bernanke might just intervene.

Bass Fisherman tributes his success to cheese curds and cheap beer: "Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the flash text message from Normal, Mn. today that the famous bass fisherman, Billy Bob, who reigns supreme at Betty Lou's Coffee shop, has given a phone interview with the national networks today, and indicated that the secret to his success is cheese curds, and cheap beer. He said he prefers not to drink dark beer, but there is something about that cheap beer that has made him so successful.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Investor frustrated that listening to "Forever Young" nonstop for 24 hours seems not to work: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

One frustrated investor, Billy Bob, from Normal, Mn., that lazy fishing town in Northern Minnesota, where the peace of Walleye fishing gives men and yes an occasional woman, unusual peace of mind and focus---Billy Bob after listening to the recent speech of the chairman of the Federal Reverve, Ben Bernanke, decided to do "whatever it took "and thus to listen to "Forever Young" for at least 24 hours to get the desired results. He is currently sleeping, and no apparent effects have been noted. After he awakes, he is planning to write a book called "The Power of Positive Voodo".

"Pump and Dump" opens in Normal, MN. : Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

Just got the text today about the big news---right next to Betty Lou's Coffee Shop, right on the main drag of Normal, Mn. has opened the "Pump and Dump", yes it used to be a old small square filling station that had been boarded up for a decade, but now it has a new spanking coat of fresh paint, and is featuring Mobile Gasoline, and has a full menu of coffee and pasteries to buy for take out. The new owner is "Harry" who used to work on Wall Street, and he used to call that business the "Pump and Dump" also, so it was a smooth transition. The full name of the business as officially registered is "Harry's Pump and Dump." Harry will offer only regular oil and no upscale synthetic, and all coffee will be Folgers, served extra strong and no upscale latte's will be available.

Governor says Everybody loves him; he can't remember protest; Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the text today that the Governor of Normal, MN. who had been involved in large scale protests about his reign, says now that everybody loves him now, and that he cannot even remember any opposition to his proposed agenda. He did admit that he does have a slight attention deficit problem, but says that is normal for political success. Stay tuned as I follow this story, which I call the "Protest Denier Story."

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Chunky Guy from Jersey exhorts Nation to trim fiscal fat: Tales From Normal, MN: FICTION

Just got the news from Normal, Mn. that the speakers tonight at the Rotary Club are two guys with impeccable conservative credentials, one a guy from Jersey who is very obese but claims to have mastered the art of fiscal discipline and integrity...the other is a guy from Wisconsin who says that his veins are filled with "cheese and brats" and who has a history of heart disease, but claims that he works out to defy it....nice science...stay tuned as I follow this story.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Rich are busy creating jobs..somewhere..not anywhere near us; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from my buddies in Normal, MN...it seems that the local church there, the Church of the Perpetual Fisherman, has declared a new miracle...the miracle of job creation...where all the rich are busy creating jobs that we can't see, but we have to believe anyway...nice.

Politico Goes to Eye of Hurricane to Prove Leadership: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn this morn, that Wild Bill Johnson, a notorious walleye fisherman from Normal, MN. decided to drive straight into the eye of the hurricane in Tampa, Florida, just to prove his leadership ability. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

450 Churches Combined after "Apostolic Review": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Seems that folks never got deleted after they died, and thus the numbers of parish worshipers were greatly exaggerated. "It did seem a bit slow" the local pastor said. He just celebrated his 95th birthday. He will remain and pastor the combined parishes.

City Administrator adds Grave Marker Maintenance and Econ Development Duties: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

How slow has it been in Normal, Mn? So slow that the Normal, Mn. City Council has added the duties of graveyard maintenance and economic development to the regular city administrative duties. The local city administrator actually welcomed the additional duties...said at least the graves don't talk back..and as long as his salary continues at the same level, he's cool with the situation.

Local Woman falls in love with Cellphone; says it has always been there for her": Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

The details of the wedding are yet to be ironed out, but I assume they will elope. I will let you know when I hear.

City Law Firm Requests Rate Increase for 50th Straight Year: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop. The guys said that the major positive in the presentation for a rate increase, is that this has been the most constant item for the past fifty years, and they would not like to change a sacred tradition. Stay tuned.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Analyst Bullish on Gold, Guns, Ammo and War; Shorting America: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The most famous analyst of Normal, Mn., Billy Bob, who also doubles as a superstar bass fisherman indicated with animation at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop on Friday that in light of the "Battle of 1400" or the giant tug of war on the Standard and Poors average right when the Republican Convention is about to begin---that he is very bullish on Gold, War, Ammo, and he is shorting America generally. His theory is that if the Republicans win the election, they will sell America as a leveraged buy out, and pocket the money...just like their experience with Bain Capital has taught them---after all, that is what Mitt said...he said that he will fully utilize his business experience...and it all adds up. Most of the guys at Betty Lou's could not buy more gold, so they just planned on stocking up on ammo...and indeed all America seemed to be following suit...with gun battles breaking out all over the land...stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Courts say Poker not Gambling: Corporations are People; You should respect the law: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today that the guys at Betty Lou's coffee shop were just floored that the courts have now ruled that "Poker is not gambling," and that "corporations are people." They just smiled and said, "Yup, ya got to respect the law."

Wall Street Pundits seek to be Paid by the word; Double for Brit accent: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

Just got the text today from financial wall street pros in Normal, Mn., basically just the one stock broker left in the little shack next to the bait shop, that there has been a movement lately to have all the press on wall street paid for by the word---few regular folks are buying or selling anything, and most of the trades are being done by Hal and Hal senior, the robots, so the regular folks want to talk and be paid by the word---and with a special bonus for those with Brit accents, cause unless you are a Royal in Vegas, the Brit accent is deemed to be so wise.....stay tuned as I follow this story.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Cops asked to watch bikes while biker fundraiser takes a bar break: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn today that the FPA bike run, a famous fundraiser that raises funds for homeless dogs and cats, has asked a local towns police department to guard their bikes while they take a break on the ride at a local pub. Police approved the request, since it seemed ok to encourage drinking and driving if it was for a good cause.

"Firm offers Free Shipping for Limited Time" for Ten straight Years: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

"Downhome Duds", one of the famous stores of Normal, MN. has offered free shipping for the next 72 hours only....and to everybodys amazement they have offered that same promotion for the past ten years....State enforcement officials say that this is normal overstatement and fluff, and not the type of misrepresentation that is harmful

"Locals excited about online drivel": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the news today by text that the locals at Betty Lou's Cafe, where all the coffee is double strong, and where whipped cream is included in the base price---the guys are very excited that nonstop, incoherent, digital drivel has replaced traditional news---- One seasoned pro, Billy Bob, the famous bass fisherman, spoke for the whole group when he said: "Yup, now I don't have to even listen and analyze what is in the news....its all nonsense and noise and is just not stressful for me...I just tune it out...It's just background noise...I don't think I could go back to actually thinking about it."

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Docent Tours Begin of Classic Outhouses: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn that docent tours begin today...yes all the docents have classic white gloves on, as they lead tours of the classic Normal, Mn. Outhouses....these outhouses have been relocated right next to the Normal, Mn. historic museum, right in the downtown...The docents will explain the significance of the outhouses, how the various one holer, two holer or three holers worked, what it means for the history of Normal, Mn., and what role these simple outhouses played in the economic development of Normal, Mn.. To book a tour to Normal, Mn. and reserve a coveted spot on one of these docent tours, call 1-800-OUTHOUSE. There is no charge for this call..

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

"Cheezwiz in his Veins"---Intellectual Fitness Politico Says: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. today...that Paul the "Fitness Buff" Johnson, a famous tri-athlete in Normal, Mn. who is running for political office, has declared that his "veins run pure with cheezwiz"----local weight loss professionals are concerned, and indeed fitness clubs all over the country have voiced concern that these types of statements are taking fitness back to the 40's. Yup. But I guess that is what the deal is...about his whole message...it is all back to the 40's. Stay tuned as I follow this amazing story.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Shining Conservative Intellectuals wants to convert Medicare into Monopoly Trading Card; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the thrilling text today that Paul "the Prodigy" from Normal, MN. has proposed to the state assembly here that all medical benefits be simply replaced with a Monopoly trading card, since in his distinguished view, having never had a regular job or served in the main street economy, it is all a game anyway, and the Monopoly trading card would be far cheaper. Stay tuned as I follow this intriguing story.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

City Personnel Policy Manual Approved after 45 years in development: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today...after the tireless effort of 15 different city administrators and 425 different city employees, the personnel policy and procedures manual has been finally completed and approved by the city council in Normal, Mn.. It stands as one of the outstanding accomplishments of the city and one that will be surely remembered to enhance its historic status.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Squirrels concerned about small nuts and survival this winter: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got a note from my old friend Wayne, the naturalist from Normal, MN. who noted for me that the squirrels are worried after they have been picking up the very small nuts that have already been falling from the trees that have been pretty battered by the local drought. Squirrels are one of the assets of our community, and thus yes it is very painful for them to face a lean winter. Thanks Wayne, for sending us their perspective.

"Bird City" Designation brings Pride in Normal, Mn.: Tales: FICTION

Normal, Minnesota has been designated a "Bird City," and residents, and especially the guys at Betty Lou's coffee shop, where all the coffee is double strong, with sugar, and with no extra charge for whipped cream. The birds seem pretty excited too...and it is hoped by the department of tourism, that birds from all over will make Normal, Mn. a "destination" to visit and leave their droppings and then return home.

"Dying for a Beer" in Normal, Mn.: Tales From Normal: FICTION

Just got the text today...seems like everybody is dying for a beer in Normal, Mn.. One youngster, just 16, right after celebrating a large blue ribbon at the Normal, Mn. FFA annual fair, went out and had a few beers and smashed his pickup up without even so much as leaving a skid mark. May he rest in peace. So there it is...dying for a beer...the news from Normal, Mn. this morning.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Cuts to the military code named "Operation Cliff": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the politicos of Normal, Mn. that the town gurus have decided to describe the cutbacks coming for the military as a "cliff" in order to emphasize how disasterous they will be for all warrior type folks. One of the alternative words that they did consider using was "peace" but when they realized that "Operation Peace" would not be desired by warrior types, they decided to use the word "cliff" instead.

School Board declares Permanent Closed Session to Avoid "Confusion": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Normal, Mn. School Board declared yesterday that they do have a firm budget resolution for the upcoming academic year, but have not released it to the public, and have no intention of doing so, because with all the changes happening in education, in case the plan needs to be changed, they want to do it without embarrasment or explanations. "Not knowing anything is just best for the public", the superintendent said: Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

"Gun and Ammo sales ignite economy": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that sales for the past month have skyrocketed in the category of Guns and ammo, and the huge increase has required the hiring of numerous full time employees to handle the onslaught of in person, on line, and mail orders. According to the text, this may be just the thing that saves Normal, Mn. from the disasterous recession of the past five years. Some merchants are trying to design promotions where folks that order several cases of ammo, and include some fishing gear and bait receive special discounts...Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Political Candidate Pledges Solidarity with Remote Kiwi Atoll: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Mitt Johnson, the Presidential candidate for the Normal, Mn. zoological society, has declared his undying Solidarity with a remote island called the "Kiwi Atoll"---the atoll is only inhabited by hundreds of penguins, but Mitt's presidential advisors felt it was an opportunity for an error free performance and a chance to develop a distinctive style. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Politicos stunned when Letters to the Editor returned: "Return to Sender Out of Business": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The local grassroots political organization from Normal, Mn. was stunned today when 475 letters to the local editor of the Fishook News were returned to the Grassroots local office marked "Return to Sender, Out of Business." It seems that traditional media had been closed for over two years and the astute grassroots organization had not noticed. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Eternal War, Guns, Outsourcing Key Planks of Presidential Hopeful: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

The principal conservative candidate for the President of the Normal, Mn. Recycling Initiative, Mitt Johnson, highlighted his strengths yesterday while standing on the top of a pile of junk at the local landfill in Normal, Mn.. "I stand for guns, war, keeping America Strong, and outsourcing of our local jobs, and I am proud of it." Most of the folks watching the speech did not quite understand it, since they were on average over 80 years old. All the young with quick wit and any IQ had long ago left Normal, Mn. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

"Retail Stores Close: All shopping Safe, Online"; Tales from Normal, Mn.; FICTION

Just got the text today, shocking text, that all the retail stores have closed in Normal, Mn., a small fishing village in northern Minnesota---in response to the gun violence pervading movie theatres and in response to the concealed carry laws---now until further notice all commercial transactions will be handled online. This should be tricky for the local bait store, but I will keep you posted on how they will handle that business.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Forget the Movies: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

I love the movies...so it was real traumatic to get the text from Normal, Mn. this week that described the effect the shooting in Colorado on the movie going public in Minnesota---in short....folks are staying home...it's cheaper and ya don't have to die. The founders of this great country had no intention to protect the use of AK 47 or automatic rifles in movie theatres---the right to bear arms had to do with survival and hunting for survival....This incident must have a direct bearing on the Presidential election in that the total love fest of the Republican Party with the NRA is leading to the destruction of America. Make a note of it.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

"God told me to hide money offshore" Candidate says; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

After a long day of bass fishing on the chilly boat ride home in the dim lighting of northern Minnesota, Billy Bob---one of the very best bass fisherman alive got the idea of hiding his money overseas---after all, God wanted him to be successful, and that probably meant tax free, and who knows...maybe with this strategy..someday...maybe...just maybe...he might be President.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Peace Would be Devastating--Create Cliff for War Machine: Tales From Normal, Mn:FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that the Veterans of Lost Wars have issued a scathing report on the devastating prospects if in fact any type of "peace" is achieved after the upcoming election......it makes clear that it would be a veritable "Cliff" for the military to fall off of.... In fact the final sentence of the 10 page report sums it up: War is the ultimate "entitlement". We need war. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Two Year PHd Program Launched in Normal, MN.: Tales From Normal, FICTION

Totally streamlined is the word of the day---all the bull, and non tech has been removed from the traditional PHd program, and the result is truly stunning, according to local pundits at the Normal, Mn. Community College. The Complete two year program can be fully financed including living expenses, at the local Credit Union in Normal, Mn.. Living expenses are pretty low, expecially since all the locals like to do a little fishing every day--yes you do have to worry about the mercury level affecting your studies, but look at it this way...ya won't be worried to death about the expenses.... The Normal, Mn. Community College is located next to the Billy Bob Bait Shop in Normal, Mn., and is a proud member of the local chamber of Commerce. You can find the trustees each morning having coffee at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in downtown Normal. Laptop computers are available to register online at the coffee shop, and the locals can help you with any questions. Full time students are elegible for bait credit that can cut your fishing bait costs up to 50% per year. Be sure to ask for details.

"CEO says he did nothing, and was paid for it--it's the truth": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

After the fifth Press conference in just one day, CEO Billy Bob from Billy Bob's Bait Shop in Normal, Mn. was frustrated that folks just would not believe him that he was not responsible for the poor conduct incident at Billy Bob's Bait shop, that he was just the CEO and yes was paid a huge salary but was NOT actively involved in the business...and that is not unusual...it is just the way things are...the American Way as it were...and all folks in the 1% have it that way..."Please believe me" he said.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Elite Exclusive Lakeshore Mecca Wants to Be Destination, kinda: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys up in Normal, Mn. at Betty Lou's Cafe, that to their surprise, the exclusive high end community on the shores of Lake Winnewonka, a Lake where only private beaches are allowed, and there is no public access, supposedly since one can never be too careful of foreign crabs on the bottoms of boats from other cities of the frozen tundra, and besides, folks of the lower classes just do not have the right stuff to spend time on a lake, and only a brief view from a far is worthy---- yes, those very same folks, in the midst of an economic crisis of a lifetime, have discussed in city councils, the necessity to become a "destination city" where those very same "foreigners" who had been so despised for generations, will be lured to come and dispose of their cash, and then leave after spending in designated resort hotels and mini casinos.... The guys at Betty Lou's are wondering whether there might be an opportunity to create an upscale bait store, where nothing but the finest bait would be offered....stay tuned as I follow this story.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Agents may have partied more than once: Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

After further review, it appears that agents on assignment may have partied more than once while present in Normal, Mn. protecting dignitaries during a week long fishing contest knows as the Normal, Mn. Tails Up Fishing Contest. The ladies at the "Fish Hook News" office just down from the bait store has assumed that the Tails up referred to either cleaning the fish or tossing of the dice in the euchre games at local cabins...but after further review of this and the incidents of black SUV vans being parked diagonally across lawns rather than properly inside the driveways as designated, it appears that there may indeed have been some irregularities happening, but most of the individuals have long been deceased. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"The Cows are Relocating": Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text this am---that the cows from the frozen tundra of Normal, Mn., that small fishing village just a hop, skip and jump from Garrison, Mn., are relocating due to the drought----and the boys at Betty Lou's Cafe, where all the coffee is double strong, with whipped cream at no extra charge, and double sugar...are wondering whether the cows are really trying to tell them something...maybe...the cows have become the role models..the cows are leaving to avoid the drought...and maybe they should too...stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Even in Crisis, TV Stock Pundit feels stocks in his Stock Trust are fantastic; Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

"Wild and Crazy Jim", a noted stock guru that touts a daily stock picking TV show, today asserted that even though all stocks in the universe seem to be plunging, the stocks he owns in his "blind trust" are fantastic, and that when considering the "long" view of 2000 or 3000 years, they will do just fine, and probably will outperform fixed investments....He particularly recommended these growth stocks to the blind, the infirm and any older investor that needed a walker to walk...asserting that this would be a "perfect match."

Church decides to lengthen time permitted for a kiss to be "mortal"

After serious weighty discussion of the plentitude council, it was decided that to adjust to the modern world, a kiss would be mortal if lasting twenty seconds, rather than the previously determined ten seconds. No explanation was given, but the determination was held to be infallible.

City Boldly decides on sidewalks after five years of discussion

After five years of bold discussion, the elders of Normal, Mn have decided to leave the sidewalks just as they are and add no more,.

Bridge to Nowhere is Renamed Bridge to the Future: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

No big story. Locals said it was one in the same really, just a technical correction.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Normal, Mn. faces Mandarin Crisis: Chooses Native born: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys at Betty Lou's cafe in Normal, Mn. that described the latest victory of local governmental savvy---it seems that the Normal School District, in order to provide for the best preparation for their students, wanted to add Mandarin to the curriculum....but also wanted to ensure that the teacher was the most qualified native speaker available.... So after an exhaustive search among all the teachers that had been born, bred, and totally educated in that small fishing village of 200, they decided to simply use audio cassettes. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Workers work for FREE hoping to spark recovery; Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the surprising text today from Normal, Mn. that workers at the Normal Widget Factory have agreed for a two week period to work for nothing in order to spark economic recovery...Management has responded that they would like the situation to be permanent.

Pope excommunicates dissident--Murdoch says to fire Romney Staff: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Well, Well, Well...just got the text today from Normal Mn from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee shop...lots of stir there that the Pope has excommunicated a guy that disagreed with him, and in beautiful contrast, Rupert Murdock has urged Mitt Romney to fire his campaign staff for disagreeing with Rupert Murdock....nice.

Homeless Thrilled with low interest rates: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Recently at the Green Valley Homeless Shelter in Normal, Mn., in a group discussion with residents, they were asked about the bad and good in their life. It should be noted that there was lots of woe listed, but the one good thing on the right side of the blackboard was "low interest rates." That must make the folks at the Federal Reserve happy...to think that in the midst of woe they can crack a smile somewhere, even if nobody can do anything about it...having no jobs or opportunity and all.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Diabetic Decides for Natural Remedy: Mostly Beer and Chips: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text this am. From Betty Lou's Coffee shop in Normal, Mn.; Seems one of the favorite of the bass fisherman announced that he was going off all his meds for diabetes and has decided to ignore his doctors recommendation and just stick to a natural remedy. When asked what his diet will be, he replied: "Just cheap beer and chips."

Dramatic Rise in Concealed Carry Workers sparks Economic Rebound: Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

City fathers in Normal, Mn. were beaming with pride today after it was discovered that economic activity has dramatically grown due to the tremendous rise in "concealed carry" workers in this famous, small fishing town of 500. After hiring 400 concealed carry workers to help deal with the surge of gun permits for residents, many of whom, staunch patriots every one, have four or five guns each. Normally, visitors have just one each. What a pleasant surprise!! One fisherman at Betty Lou's coffee shop has suggested that this might be a national role model for economic recovery. He has suggested a little ditty or song, titled, "We're down, We're Out, but We're Armed!" Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Politicos seek additional sides of mouth as two deemed inadequate: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the summary text from Normal, Mn., where in the serenity of a small town coffee shop, namely the famous Betty Lou"s Coffee shop, they are trying to chart on the wall the sayings of the national politicians--- On the one side of the wall is the call for integrity, transparency, good old fashioned work ethics and "market values" and then on the other side is the call to regulate nothing, and keep everything just the way it was, and allow the banks to trade like drunken sailors with options and derivatives and all the while have everything guaranteed by the taxpayers; on the one side of the wall the call for a 7.5% interalized return for pensions of government workers, and on the other side of the ledger a call in horror of the 7% rate for Spanish bond yields...It's horror on both sides really. So in the coffee shop there has been a call that speaking out of both sides of politicos mouth has been unsuccessful, and true politicos have to learn to speak out of four or five to be effective in the age where there are so many cell phones that can now catch streaming video.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

"yo dude let's talk about jobs"; + rock and roll=win

Last weekend as I drove through Normal, Mn, that small walleye fishing village a little ways from Garrison, I happened to spy the writing on a wall---and it seemed to be...well...just the way the Lord would speak to me...maybe after a few beers after fishing...and it suggested that ...yo...with a little rock and roll in the background, and a little talk about jobs..yo..it might be good.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Seniors urge cut to Social Security, increase to Defense Budget: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

A hefty contingent of seniors residing in the Mother of Mercy alzheimers unit of the Queen of Peace and Perpetual Fishing Nursing Home in Normal, Mn., today urged their congressman to cut Social Security for all recipients, even themselves in order to engage in further foreign wars to protect the fatherland. Emma, a 92 yr old spokesperson, said that she was particularly worried about Syria, and would gladly give up her Social Security beneift even if it meant having to become homeless...she was so sure that Syria posed a big threat to her peaceful life in Ward 7. When asked further where Syria was, she seemed confused but thought it was somewhere near New Brighton. Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

"Locals" vote for austerity as long as it does not affect them: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The locals, or the common council of Normal, Mn, that small fishing village in Northern Minnesota where the obsession with bass fishing has given them a peaceful focus that has inspired the world....today voted to approve austerity, with the condition that it not affect them. In short, austerity of any kind is good in theory, but is best applied to those living far away, such as Greeks or Spanish....and in the latter case, the Spanish have the advantage of the heritage of the Spanish Inquisition so they are better equipped to handle the sacrifice, starvation, death and devastation necessary to achieve the beautiful objective of "austerity."

Friday, June 15, 2012

Obesity Group Warns of Exercise: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION Mn:

Just got the urgent text today from the Obesity Support Group in Normal, Mn. who are warning all their members, who meet weekly or bi-weekly in support sessions to aid weight loss, that they should be alert to the dangers of exercise---mostly exercise that is longer than one hour, since some writer on the internet thought it might be hazardous, and very hazardous if any of those obese patients should venture to run a triathlon, marathon or maybe even an ironman event. It was unclear from the text whether any person in Normal, Mn. had ever, much less someone from the obesity group, run in any exercise, or even extreme exercise. The obesity group also reminded their members to fully support their local beef and dairy councils and remember to stay strong with beef and dairy. They urged the members to be vigilent to resist any effort of the Normal School Board to raise the GPA requirement higher than 1.5 for athletic participation, or in any way cut athletics even though the district has been devastated by government aid cuts.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Out of Control Banker Tells Graduates they are in Control of Their Life; Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Today Jam E Dimon, the noted financial wizard banker of Wall Street told the 32 high school graduates from Normal, Mn, glistening with pride at the fact that 31 of those graduates were named top of the class, that they should "proceed to their lives with a full measure of confidence ....that they were in control of their destiny." He then went on to say that recent errors of his bank were beyond his control, and that he deeply resented any attempt by folks that were guaranteeing the capital of his bank through taxpayer guarantees on deposits..well...he objected to any control whatsoever...and... He also denied any personal responsibility for any bad things that had recently happend in his organization. He also said that he had no intention of returning any of the 11 million dollars in salary and stock options that he got in compensation, calling it "very well deserved." What a wonderful comic performance for all those graduates.

Monday, June 11, 2012

"The Candidate I Buy and Pay for is the BEST": Tales From Normal, Mn; FICTION

Just got the text today from my old friend Herman, the bass fisherman from Normal, Mn. Seems that there was a bunch of fishermen in Betty Lou's coffee shop this afternoon, downing some cool frapachinos due to the heat and all...and there broke out a huge political argument about who was the best political candidate for several offices...the noise got pretty fierce...till one one young buck raised his voice...stood on a table ...and shouted: "The Candidate that I Buy and Pay for is the BEST"..... All at once everyone became still. They recognized the truth of that zealous youngster....and the wisdom seemed pretty homegrown...or at least sounded familiar to some news from Wisconsin....and they got to thinking clearly about the bass fishing for tomorrow....and about larger issues....like how they were going to pay the rent....

Friday, June 8, 2012

Local Decides to Buy ALL of Spain, not just cottage: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn., that peaceful fishing village in northern Minnesota, that one of the "Locals" as we term it, my own buddy, Herman, the local attorney and President of the Normal School Board, while on vacation in Spain began looking for a small fishing cottage to buy, and then when the Spanish real estate agents learned that Herman had actual cash, they urged him to buy the ENTIRE country of Spain. The texts are pretty terse, but it seems that if Herman does make an offer for the country, his offer will be competing with Germany, and the only question is who will get the best deal. And I know some of you are wondering....if Herman buys Spain, will they throw in Italy at no extra charge? Stay tuned.

Canonized Papal Saint Charged with Harboring Pedofile Priests: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn., that small, sleepy fishing town in northern Minnesota, where the peace of the walleye fishing gives all the locals a serene perspective---the locals are trying to fathom the press release from a European nation that has announced that a formerly canonized saint of a famous religion has been charged posthumusly with harboring clergy accused, and knowingly so, of crimes against fellow clergy and minors. This was considered a miracle of sorts, since it was unclear how the now deceased saint could appear for the court proceedings. Even so, it was considered to be important that the dead be held accountable for their crimes so that the record of their entire timeline be reflected. Stay tuned as I follow this breaking story.

Corporate CEO's lose optimism as Salaries are Slashed: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well this morning the pundits of Wall Street are citing some pessimism coming from the Corporate CEO's of America as they come to grips with cuts to their compensation that totals a record setting amount when compared with the average working joe...Even though their corporations have been refusing to hire, and budgets have been slashed to make the necessary money for huge corporate compensation, still...it just was not enough to keep up the fantastic pace of corporate raises...and well..something has to give...and the CEO's are pondering which of their mansions to sell.... Up in Normal, Mn, the politicos at the Local coffee shop, Betty Lou's, where all the coffee is double strong, and served in a Viking blue coffee mug, and where the whipped cream is included with each cup....local attorney "Herman" indicated that even he was considering cutting back on bass fishing lures this spring....he usually likes to replace some and add some new each season, but just did not know if he could afford to go to "Billy Bob's bait shop" in Brainerd this year to replace them, and well...might have to mail order this year...and yes the thought of the risk of the cheaper goods did bother him...and also the fear that maybe the foreign chinese fishing lures might not be attractive to the local bass....but yes...even Herman was cutting costs...or maybe considering it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

City of 500 orders 5000 flags: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn today that the locals, hearing of the possible shortage of flags for the Fourth of July festivities, have ordered 5000 prepaid with special delivery....Even though business has been dismal over the past year, but bullish areas have remained, flags, firetrucks and foreclosures..The local economic development team had cut corners all year for this special purchase...and even though there was no new business for the year to report, they still wanted that feel good feeling that always is there when the flags are waved.

"Predator Drone" Elected President" in Normal, Mn: FICTION

"Predator Drone", that bastion of free market capitalism, with a shining face and smooth tongue that changed with the season and locale was elected President of the local chamber of Commerce in Normal, Mn, one of the foremost bass fishing communities of the Midwest today. Well....his real name is Mitch, but he has been code named "Predator Drone" for so long that nobody can remember his real name...and that's just the way he wants it....it has been rumored that he has a stealth plan to outsource all the fishing novelty business to China, and then take the commercial business entities private and lay off all the employees. The plan was so complex that the locals were confused...but after a few stiff drinks, they like it..Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Visiting "Bearded Monk" to Preach Sunday in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today that the "Bearded Monk", the visiting flamboyant preacher in the "Spanish Inquisition" style of preachers will be speaking in Normal, Mn. tomorrow at the Church of the Perpetual Fisherman. His theme is "The Holiness of the Thirty Years War" and in this prophetic sermon he will articulate why a Thirty Years War is necessary every so often to clean out the "dead wood" in our society, and renew the faithful and eliminate the non-believers....See you at the church. There will be coffee and donuts after church.

Indigent Plan to Vote Republican--want to feel like the 1%

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. today that there has been a growing sense of bewilderment by the politicos in that serene fishing village in the northern tundra, where the peace and serenity of the fishing pros takes center stage....that the politicos CANNOT understand why the indigent citizens especially, and yes even seniors who are penniless strongly support conservative Republican candidates who squarely will destroy those voters with their policies---WHY WHY WHY???? The answer in focus groups has been that the penniless want to FEEL like the 1%. By voting with the highest and most well healed citizens they FEEL kinda....CLASSY. Make sense? Stay tuned as I follow this breaking story from Normal, Mn...the home of Betty Lou's coffee shop, where all the coffee is double strong served in a tall, blue Minnesota Viking mug, with double sugar.....and if you want some whiskey in the coffee, you have to bring your own flask....

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

All Employees Changed to Unpaid Interns in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. today that virtually all new employees hired in firms in Normal,Mn will be unpaid interns....In researching the past, city fathers have discovered that in very olden times, new employees were just indentured servants, and unpaid, and in order to honor their heritage, the heritage of one of the oldest fishing villages of this great nation, founded under sacred principles, and the primary one of course was that God is on the is on the side of Profit, and in a corollary, on the side of unpaid interns...so there it is..now this tiny village has returned this great nation to the sacred time of its national purity....stay tuned as I follow this story.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Unfettered Regulation Guru takes TWO BILLION in Losses: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Jay Me Diamond, the chairman of Billy Bob Banking and Hedge Fund Investments in Normal, Mn. announced in a conference call after the market closed yesterday, that due to poor performing hedge investments that the bank had not been properly informed of as to their risk exposure, the bank had suffered a TWO BILLION dollar loss. These losses had been in "inventory" which slick wall street operators use to hide trades that are proprietary but are classified as "inventory not otherwise classified". Previously in the month, when asked about the possible exposure to these type of losses, he urged the press not to make a "tempest out of a teapot." At the press conference, he said that the "teapot was larger than expected." He took no blame for the losses.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Audited financial Statements REQUIRED for all NYSE listings: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

All foreign companies that desire listings on the New York Stock Exchange have now been required by the Mayor of Normal, Mn. to provide audited financial statements following regular accounting principles in order to make those shares available to citizens of Normal, Mn. This was done so that the locals would be fairly advised as to the truthfull bookeeping,a foreign concept in itself, and hopefully the truth of the financial condition. Even though Normal, Mn is a small fishing village, it is hoped by the local accoutants that by this act of financial courage that they can set a standard of accounting leadership for all concerned. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Flags at Half-Mast till Further Notice: Tales From Normal, MN.: Fiction

The Flags of Normal, Mn. have been ordered to remain at half-mast till further notice, to more accurately reflect the loss of this nation as it grapples with the prospects of war unending. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

"French Like Us"; Tales from Normal, Mn.; FICTION

Political pundits were shocked today in Normal, Mn. as France, and indeed Greece have effectively voted to overule the "austerity" budgets recently passed by legislators.....some pundits have said that many of the very wealthy in France are headed for Britain. Tax rates on the rich are anticipated to go up....maybe to Ronald Reagan levels I presume. Reagan must be smiling today watching over those politicos that thought that the budget could be balanced by taxing the indigent and homeless, all the while giving the super rich more tax breaks. Even the Great Communicator in his waning health knew better. In the very center of Normal, Mn., where a small Paul Bunyan statue had been for many years till it disintegrated, there has been erected a Ronald Reagan statue...Yes....there was a slight smile on the statue this morning. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Visiting Bearded Monk says flogging is essential to becoming one with the divine: Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

Well it has been pretty shocking....today in Normal, Mn. at the Church of the Perpetual Fishermen, a traveling missionary, and some have speculated frustrated by the small collection gathered to support his intense mission, said as he left the small church in this small fishing community, that some of the wayward really did need a flogging every so often just to really experience the full bliss of the Lord....and yes the little old ladies just smiled quietly as they left from Church....it seemed to have brought back memories of their youth when they had learned of such talk as being typical of the "Spanish Inquisition" monks and such....Anyway, they just smiled and moved away from Church, and determined not to enter again and pledge their donations till that missionary had left the state.

Vacant Home Tour Launched in Normal, Mn.: Spreads across Nation; Tales From Normal, Mn:FICTION

Well surprise, surprise.....the recent "Vacant Home Tour" in Normal, Mn, which featured homes empty and in foreclosure has been wildly popular all across the nation, and indeed in St. Paul recently, they held an "Uptown version" with tours of empty historically renovated homes: All in The Dayton's Bluff area, just down from the James J. Hill Mansion on Summit Ave, and just down the hill from where the famous Tom Clancy had a very celebrated wedding reception some thirty plus years ago...yes that was the highpoint of the neighborhood. Tom was not the famous author, but a famous cross country runner from the now defunct Hill High School..but I digress. The whole notion of creating a tourist attraction out of vacant homes is priceless and indeed the highpoint of marketing brilliance..Stay tuned...just think of the possibilities where we could create media events out of forelorn circumstances....like tour of bankrupt businesses, tour of the abandoned and homeless, tour of the poor football teams....ok Minnesota has a real lock on that one...maybe New Orleans is a fierce contender...but I digress.. This all goes to prove the old adage that you should review your troubles and thank God for them, since they could have been worse. The corollary is that after reviewing the troubles, make a media event out of it.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

"Better Back in 2008---Alzheimer Patient says so: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

A local patient of the Perpetual Fisherman Care Center who has requested to be anonymous, or could not remember her name, has stated in a quiet hush that she thinks things were better back in 2008....and according to reports available at press time...she is the only living soul in this great country that thinks so....and at press time conservative talk show hosts are clamoring to get interviews. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Dateline Normal. Mn: Accountants Shocked that People are not applying for Non-existent Jobs: FICTION

Accountants and pundits were shocked today at the release of data suggesting that folks are retiring from the workforce, and what is worse are not applying for jobs that do not exist...such a shock...and the "participation rate" has been adversely affected, making it look like things are better than they should be...and having an unemployment rate that is holding even, but if every person that had died had just lived and been working, and every person that had retired had not...then...well...things might have been better in that the numbers would have been worse and that would have been better for some politicians... Stay tuned as I follow this unusual accounting story.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Band Trip Chaperone Protocol Used for Secret Service in Normal, Mn.: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Band director of the Normal, Mn. marching band indicated his approval of the use of the traveling band chaperone protocol for the Secret Service. He noted in off the cuff remarks that there were many similarities in the from dawn to midnight scheduling, the tight minute by minute agenda, and the special difficulty of keeping the brass section in control---he offered some tips to the Secret Service if they would contact him personally...That brass section can get by on almost no sleep, and with the heavy use of shades in the morning, ya never do know if they slept or not. Anyway. It was quite an honor to have this protocol be of service to those of the highest offices of the land. Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Businesses Show Wild Support for Governor who destroys Jobs: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Business and Manufacturers Group representing Normal,Mn. today wildly endorsed their governor, known as Billy Bob, for a second term in office, despite having destroyed almost half, 50% of the jobs due to his policies. When asked about the logic of such an endorsement, one small business owner simply smiled and said that it was just the haves vs. the have-nots, and at the end of the game, he wanted to be with the predators..Even if every business was destroyed, if only he could remain, he would be satisfied with the endorsement....he was just thinkin of himself.....and he saw politics as nothin but self interest pure and simple...

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Governor says He has created 300,000 jobs. We just cannot see them: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Governor of Normal, Mn. today, in a hastly called news conference, stated that he has indeed been true to his word and HAS created 300,000 jobs...it is just that we cannot see them. Upon hearing this, the press was just completely stunned. The male press began flipping through their Superman comics...and the women in the press began playing dress ups...It was "Let's Pretend" Time. Stay tuned. I will faithfully report all the relevant news as this unusual story develops.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Alzheimer Patient Awarded "Survival of the Fittest" Award: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Beloved "Rosie" of the Normal, Mn. Nursing Home, Home of the Perpetual Fisherman, was awarded the distinguished and coveted "Survival of the Fittest" Award in a low key coffee and cake ceremony today in Normal, Mn.. In remarks delivered by one of her LPN staff, Rosie thanked all the ladies for coming to the ceremony, and indicated her surprise at having actually gotten old...it seemed to have just crept up on her....that all these years she had been concerned about being the fittest and had diligently spent all her money on preserving her health with annual vacations abroad and down south, and it had just totally surprised her...and now that she was 97 she was pleased to accept the award...since it was the highpoint of a conservative self centered life well lived for the benefit of herself.

Dateline Normal, Mn.; Why secret service abstinence matters Explained: FICTION

In a routine public works committee meeting today in Normal, Mn., the nuts and bolts leader of that committee explained to the three folks attending, that it was very important to have the secret service abstinent since in the past the highest leaders of our distinguished nation, and indeed the IMF, have participated in such unseemly conduct that it was important for someone to be sober and chaste....to preserve our black bag for nuclear response, and to ensure that someone was incharge...just in case....leadership was needed. He then mentioned that this nation is confronted by the wild and crazy behavior of North Korea that is planning to conduct a nuclear test just to make up for a failed rocket launch, and that when faced with trying to unravel the logic of such rogue states, it takes clear minds, and sober minds to unravel the rogue logic, and thus sobriety and chaste thought is essential, and indeed may not be available at the highest levels of government...the secret service needs to be alert. Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Legislator Proposes Abstinence and Sobriety for Secret Service and Military: Cites Benefits:Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Word has spread like wildfire today as Legislators in Normal, Mn., that sleepy fishing town in northern Minnesota, where the peace of walleye fishing gives the politicos a clearer understanding of how to remedy world problems,...the legislators proposed that all secret service and military personnel would immediately be required to pass abstinence and sobriety tests or be discharged from service. The news has prompted such an immediate surge of discharges from service, that the result has been a tremendous increase in the esteem and pride of those serving this great country, and also a tremendous increase in the prospect for world peace. Married men just have not seen the attractivenes of traveling all around the world to be sober and abstinent. Conservatives from Wisconsin have been particularly pleased with the result, since they have always asserted that abstinence, and indeed ignorance is the cure for most of the ills of society, and especially the cure for TOP Gun types... Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

Friday, April 20, 2012

All the Clergy are Married in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well it's spring, and now that the frozen tundra has warmed up, it is time for me to get back up to the cabin in Normal, Mn., the small fishing village near Garrison where I get away from the wild and crazy politics in Wisconsin, and settle in to some peaceful walleye fishing and such, and start each day off at Betty Lou's Cafe, where all the coffee is double strong black, and in a tall blue Minnesota Vikings mug, which are in short supply because Betty Lou is unsure whether the Vikings are going to stay in Minnesota, so the mugs are available for sale, but for $19.95 as a tourist item.....but I digress. I stopped in last Sunday at the Church of the Perpetual Fisherman, and chatted with the resident pastor, who travels between three parishes in Northern Minnesota, but makes his home in Normal, MN with his wife and 3 children...yes he is married, and in fact, he is my hero, along with all of Christ's apostles who were ALL married. Ah if only we could purify the Church and take it back to the days when the focus was on reaching out to spread the WORD rather than whether the proper response is "With your Spirit" or the more correct Hebrew version....." But I digress....and ALL the nuns in Normal, Mn. are Married too....that's the way it always has been in Normal, Mn...Where the nuns have been involved in teaching and such....

Friday, April 13, 2012

Locals still want to be called "GREEN": Tales from Normal, MN.; FICTION

Just got the press release minutes ago, that the downhome folks of Normal, Mn, despite failed solar projects, and a wind turbine that had to be dismantled for lack of maintenance, and a public electric utility that relies heavily on COAL generation....they still want to be called the "GREEN CAPITAL of the WORLD". It seems that they want to VISION, and in the depths of failure they want to see it as an opportunity..... Stay tuned as I follow those optimists of the frozen tundra.

Governor Says by His math lots of Jobs created; Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn .....the governor has declared that jobs have increased during his tenure---correction....his press secretary has just wired that he meant : "CASES", not jobs, and for data purposes he has lumped them all together....when one calculates all the bankruptcy "CASES" generated in Normal, Mn.,...it has resulted in a boom..... \ Yup...a big boom.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Spread the Light Liturgy Still will be held in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Recently in the frozen tundra, some sensitive congregations of the faithful have been concerned about the Holy Saturday liturgy in that while all those members of the Congregation of the Faithful are spreading the light in the pews, there is..well...some...smoke that is being inhaled...and it might be bad for ones health.... I just got the text from Normal, Mn. Church of the Holy Faithful, that the traditional service of the "Lights" will be held on Saturday night this week, and not withstanding the squimishness of certain Christian sects that are worried about a little smoke, the Light of Christ will be spread as in the traditional liturgy, before the environmental progressives got involved in liturgical development. There is limited seating so arrive early. Lumen Christi

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Rich argue that it's not logical to tax the rich--need to tax those with no money: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn, the sleepy fishing town up in northern Minnesota, where all day every day, men wonder what the bass are hungry for.... Today, the breaking news is that conservative pundits at Betty Lou's coffee shop, the only coffee shop where everything is double caffeine, and where whipped cream comes standard in the blue tall Minnesota Viking coffee mugs, the pundits have loudly asserted that the poor or those with no money should pay more taxes and the rich should not be burdened with such things. They assert that the poor are just lazy, and if they were not lazy they would be rich and be benefited by paying no taxes...so a huge incentive there. ...and that is the American way.... Stay tuned.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Parents Protest School Homework: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Parents of school children of all ages picketed the Normal, Mn. School District office today to protest the proposed policy that children would be required to do homework from their classes. Previously the classes had always been divided up so that some of the instruction time was for completing homework. Over the years, the instructional time had been reduced to almost zero and hence the change. Parents were furious. One parent, Billy Bob, protested that first of all "Them math problems are too complicated for me to help my kids with," and besides "we have more important things to do at night, like watch basketball, and work on our cars." What a sight it was, with all the signs and chanting..One of the signs read: "No more Home wurk". I guess that says it all.

Oil Option Traders Blame Pres Obama for Oil Rise: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Oil speculators in Normal, Mn. were furious today at the recent rise in oil on the exchanges and in terse interviews blamed President Obama for his actions as the cause of the rise....without the rampant rise in oil prices put buyers had hoped to make a killing in the various complicated spread options they had put on, but now they face the prospect of not making a tremendous profit on their hedges and they blame the President. In related news, put buyers on the auto sector were furious that the auto industry has survived, and blamed the President for saving an industry that clearly was headed for the eve of destruction, and complained that they would have made a killing on their positions except for the actions of the government in saving autos. In related news, the politicians in Normal, Mn asserted that if only the unvarnished predatory instincts of market makers were realized then the true bloom of the original vision of the Founders of Democracy could flourish---and then, and only then could a few elite few emerge to lead this great nation, and they could be distinguished because they would only be paying 15% of their income in taxes and would be driving Cadillacs to show that they really do love America.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Students Major in "Study Hall" in Normal, Mn: Fiction

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that after a comprehensive five year study on the effect of the 4 period day in Normal, Mn, the distinguished group that performed the detailed study concluded that most of the high school graduates majored in "Study Hall" and also that it was very popular...popular because it reduced instructional time, which was nice for students and faculty alike.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

"Cheap Products Rock": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTON

In response to the growning scandal in Normal, Mn. that the largest computer manufacturer in Normal had not been ensuring that subcontractors be paid, they issued a press release today that they stood committed to the lowest possible pricing every day, and wanted to go slow in considering any action that might affect prices. Unemployed citizens that wanted to work for nothing were encouraged to call their toll free number to arrange an interview, or apply online. These non-paid positions were going quickly.

After Ships Sink Company decides to Emphasize Safety: Tales from Normal, Mn: FICTION

In a shocking announcement today, the largest cruise line company located in Normal, Mn announced that they will consider seriously placing Safety as their highest concern in the future. On further questioning they did not indicate where safety had ranked in previous endeavors.

Computer Giant Explains Jobs Created: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

A leading computer manufacturer today proclaimed that they have created over five thousand jobs last year, and explained that the number would have been 500,000 except that they did not count the employees that they did not pay because independent contractors had stiffed these employees of their wages. In related news, the University of Wisconsin Chancellor said he stood firmly for human rights, except in some cases where money was involved, and wanted to go slowly in the matter of the Addidas contract where many employees had not been paid---in fact almost 1.5 million dollars worth of wages...and In related news, the University of Wisconsin has said that its alumni "felt comfortable" in providing alcohol to underage athletes, a press announcement that was ignored since the whole nation already knew this breaking news.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sunglasses Sales Skyrocket On Wall Street: Tales From Normal, Mn; FICTION

It's a sunny Sunday on Wall Street---I just got a text from Herman who is on vacation in New York this weekend---he says that almost every paper he reads has touted that everything is sunny indeed, and in fact, the recent Barrons magazine has a headline that says the stock market is the "little engine that could." NICE.

Normal, Mn. advertises for "Contraction Specialist": Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn that they have formally advertised nationwide for a "Contraction Specialist" to guide the esteemed resort community as they face decline in tax base and difficulty in finances. In a press release, the city has explained that there is a nationwide glut in positive thinking optimists who have never actually "contracted" anything, but have resumes filled with expanding positive spending strategies that are not appropriate for Normal, Mn.. One of the paragraphs of the advertisement of Normal, Mn. struck my eye. "Applicant who has failed at a business enterprise Preferred..Must show experience rebounding from setback...Details required..

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Predator Candidate Urges Employed they would be better off destitute: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. this evening that Billy Bob, the foremost walleye fisherman in the northern parts, has echoed the comments of the frontrunning presidential candidate, and suggested that all those employed would be better off if they were unemployed, because then the private enterprise of the predators could do their magic..... and the real miracle of capitalism could emerge..... and while a few might die, over the long haul, over may be hundreds of years, some really wonderful things would happen, right here in the frozen tundra, and in fact in gods country, some really fine things might emerge in maybe a few hundred years or so...stay tuned.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

"Governor "title changed to "Shakedown Specialist" in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The locals of Normal, Mn. reacted quickly this morning on the news that Gov. Walker of Wisconsin has announced that he will corral part of the mortgage settlement between banks and states for the purpose of aiding distressed victims of improper foreclosure process and take the money to balance the Wisconsin budget....... The notion of the states acting to protect the public by demanding settlement for improper conduct and then pocketing the settlement and not helping the very victims of the bad behavior is old indeed....think back to the actions by states against infant formula producers----seems that has been some thirty years ago, and I am still waiting for my portion of the ripoff in the form of a personal check from these guys---but in truth, whether it is insurance fraud, mortgage fraud, health insurance fraud, securities fraud ...etc ad nauseam, the theory of government is that in the event of bad behavior, shakedown the evil doer and let the victim fend for themselves..... Citizens of Normal, Mn. have decided to replace the title "Governor" with "Shakedown specialist" to more accurately reflect the duties that have been revealed to be the essence of their dignified public positon......local lawyers of Normal, Mn. are also considering whether states that conspire among themselves across state lines to defraud and steal from the electorate might be conidered to be chargable under the RICO statutues of old----in the old days criminal empires were pretty low tech---now days interpretations might be upgraded to the uptempo world of gangsta ways.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Local Hospital President Explains Millions in Salary: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The local hospital titan from Normal,Mn announced in a startling press release that his current salary of three million dollars is NOT excessive when one considers that he is the head of 15 different shell organizations that the corporation has been split into---and he further reassured the locals that because he capitalizes his salary, it never affects patient costs---he treats it just like a building expense... And furthermore.....he is in charge of all accounting of the organization. NICE,

Local School DEMANDS explanation on why folks are leaving town: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

In an emotional school board meeting last night, the Normal, Mn. School Board, when informed about the plunging enrollment figures for next year, unanimously was outraged. One astute board member suggested that folks that were forced to leave town by any means, job transfer, elimination, or foreclosure etc be required to fill out a form under oath revealing the reasons for their leaving. "We demand more than silence" one board member moaned. "We do want the truth". Stay tuned as I follow this story. Folks from the frozen tundra are kinda guarded so I will have to dig for this story. Sometimes folks just say that they are seeking "greater challenges elsewhere."

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

"Attila the Hun Was Just Gettin Things Done": Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the press release from Normal, Mn. this morn, that "Attila the Hun", the famous fisherman from Normal, Mn, well he is really Attila the Hun Johnson, the famed bass fisherman from up in the frozen tundra parts, and he is a real killer in the fishing world....and no he is not killing fish from his perspective, he just sees it as culling the herd. He feels he is just "gettin things done," and ....the more he thinks about it, that is the way he sees the whole world,....just as a bunch of fish waiting to be culled. Nice.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

"Paul Bunyan Pants" Suffer Setback: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Paul Bunyan Supply Store up in Normal, Mn. has suffered an odd tragedy this month, as thousands of the "tougher than tough" Paul Bunyan pants, pants designed to last for all time, have been plagued with a sudden tearing of the crotch upon exertion by the wearer. Customer Service hotlines at the local firm have been swamped as tougher than tough customers demand replacement, but it appears they are keeping the publicity low so as to not be embarassed by the happening...after all, it was embarassing enough out in the woods. Relax. The firm who made the pants has promised to replace them free of charge.

Doomsday Guru Prophet predicts: Tales From Normal,Mn: FICTION

A local bass fisherman, Norman, some call him "stormin Norman" has an uncanny ability to see the future---In fact, after predicting total economic collapse in 2001, 2002,2003,2004,2005,2006,2007,2008,2009,2010, and 2011, he is absolutely sure of the coming collapse in 2012, and has in fact written a short book....well, just a two page memo in truth, which predicts the unravelling in 2012. Some locals have said that Stormin Norman is just "off his medication", but others swear by his prophetic powers. Stay tuned as I follow this story.