Tales From Normal, Mn.--FICTION

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Tales from Normal, Mn. Headline News---FICTION

Sunday, April 12, 2009

BREAKING: TEXT: US Navy seeks PIRATE negotiator--URGENT, Temporary LTE, ---FICTION

This morning, Easter Sunday, I got a surprise text message from Normal, Mn.---yes you guessed it from my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer, who double dipped as a lawyer specializing in trusts and estates and also was president of the Normal, Mn. School Board-----

The text message was terse----"US Navy seeks PIRATE negotiator---experience required--urgent need to avoid surrender by US Fleet".

I called immediately. Finally someone sought my expertise----

I wanted to share the requirements with you in case you know someone locally that would be a good fit for this position:::::::

Applicants must be tough as nails, have good verbal ability, and have the skill of thinking outside of the box----in fact thinking and talking while standing in a small dingey would be good.

Evidence of prior felonies a plus---with special weight given to large swindles, even larger than petty financial crimes. No stockbrokers can apply for this position, nor civil servants.

Applicants must be willing to accept payment in an offshore account in small denominated bills and the payment will be considered tax free by signed agreement.

Strong patriots are preferred since it would be terrible if the US Navy surrendered to a few PIRATES.

It would be preferable that applicant has viewed all the videos of WWII and the Battleship Enterprise 360 series and is familiar with the proud traditon of the US Navy.

If you know someone that would be a good applicant, send their name to The Evansville Observer @fre2observer@yahoo.com ..All replies confidential.

Friday, April 10, 2009

BREAKING: Energy Fair Comes to Normal, Mn.: Special parking lot for SUV's Featured----

As a special visitor friendly feature, the site of the new Normal, Mn. Energy Fair celebration will feature a brand spanking new parking lot designed especially for SUV's. There will even be special spaces for HUMMERS.

More when I get the details. I am so excited.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Herman writes: The Top 10 Reasons not to raise taxes on the rich or close tax loopholes--FICTION

(Ed.note; Here is a note that Herman sent to me recently regarding the Top Ten reasons why we cannot tax folks who make over $250,000 and why we cannot close any tax loopholes such as secret off shore accounts. Enjoy. )

10) We cannot eliminate tax cheats because....they are some of our most patriotic citizens.

9) If we eliminate the tax advantaged investments, we would also have the effect of eliminating the armani suited lawyers who are required to give advice regarding them, or more precisely, give clients a call back after researching pertinent cases at $300 per hour.

8) If all offshore tax havens were eliminated, there would be an adverse effect on Bahamian real estate---who would replace all those tenants in the houses in the brothel district.

7) A rising tide lifts all yachts. If the rich cannot have a yacht as a second home or primary commercial location, there would result in a terrible surplus of yachts. Oh---I forgot. There already is a terrible surplus.

6) If we eliminated all the complicated tax deductions for high end tax payers and corporations----corporations might have to pay some taxes-----this would have the terrible effect of reducing employment because everybody knows that employers only hire staff from the money they get from illegal tax havens.

5) If corporations had to pay taxes, they would not be able to send junkets to Vegas---this would have a terrible effect on real estate there. And the casinos would change the gambling ratios that would make it less profitable for all to gamble.

4) If the rich could not get huge tax deductions for charity, what would become of social society in New York---who would people gossip about.

3) If the rich did not get tax deductions for charity, mostly the poor would be the major contributors---oh...I forgot---that's the way it is right now.

2) If the ultra rich had to pay taxes, less would trickle down to the poor folk.

1) If the ultra rich had to pay taxes, the United States might actually become progressive rather than just talking the talk.