Tales From Normal, Mn.--FICTION

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Tales from Normal, Mn. Headline News---FICTION

Friday, August 21, 2009

Dateline Normal, MN.: Normal wins national "Cheapest T-Shirt Contest"--FICTION

Well. It has been pretty amazing. Every retailer under the sun selling every variety of ....well.....basically a T-Shirt...o.k. we might call it a henley, a crew, a v-neck...a whatever...but the idea is to sell the cheapest t-shirt from the cheapest manufacturer in the world for the highest retail possible....all in order to get the retail sector moving again.....and again....Normal, Minnesota has taken the prize....

The secret? All of the staff of the retailers of Normal, Mn work 19 hour work weeks, and every shift is only 3.5 hours with no breaks. This translates to no lunch breaks...and ...only pottie breaks are taken in cases of emergency. The result has been a profitability that has surprised America---and the hope that out of the cheapest T-Shirts, as in the prior time of the K=Car, will come the salvation of America...stay tuned.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Dateline Normal, Mn.: " Fire at Normal, Mn Bait Shop: Owner saves the Parana and parasites first...minnows last"----FICTION

Just received the news flash.....An electrical fire due to overheating of the minnow tanks at the Normal, Mn. Bait shop....well it really is the "Beer, Bait, and Ammo Shop" has caused extensive damage....relax...I am in touch with the locals to get the complete story...

All I know now is that the owner moved quickly to rescue the parana and the parasites first...he waited till the last to rescue the minnows.....

When asked by the Fire Chief why he waited so long to save the smaller fish....the owner just said that after reading the national news...he thought that was just how things were done.....

Dateline Normal, Mn.: " Nitrite Power Bar sets Sales Record in Normal, Mn."----FICTION

Recently there was a public "hearing" in our fair community...about the proposed increase of the dairy herd of one certain farm operation that would double the herd count to about 5,000 cows. Pretty impressive. I guess one could call a gathering called at late notice and mostly of relatives a public hearing...yet in reading the published reports it was stunning the possible economic impact on the neighbors of such an increase. In fact, it appears that the nitrite count would set a record of 200 parts per million as opposed to above the farm of 5 parts. I was impressed...sort of.

I quickly picked up the phone and dialed my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn.. He loved estates and trusts, and did some real estate work. Maybe he would be stunned with the developments here.

After getting him on the phone, I proceeded to read the local paper to him, impressing him with the fact that this was going to be huge...with all the nitrites and such...and that nothing could be finer.

Herman interrupted:

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), up here in Normal, Mn., we have so many nitrites that we set a national record...and we are dang proud of it...In fact one of the farms produces a "NITRITE Powerbar" for all the sports types. They just love em. It is great to power up with nitrites."

So there it is. In some parts of the world nitrites are bad for your health...but in Normal, Mn., they are a source of pride....and strength....just goes to show ya.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Dateline Normal, Mn: "Run on Votive Lights---Republicans praying for disaster to last,long, long time"----FICTION

Well it sure has been interesting...It seems that Herman from Normal, Mn. has just learned texting cause just this morning I got a terse message: "Run on Votive Lights--Republicans are praying for disaster to last long time----"

Lots of outrage to be sure. Outrage that the "Cash for clunkers" has been so successful beyond anyone's expectation---seems that Americans DO want to make the move to greener cars---but it does present a challenge for the naysayers, out of power types---how to spin the news to the exact opposite and make it a complete failure---that PR effort has the Republican politicos very outraged.....but relax...it is their specialty.....

I have been looking for a great product to sell by mail order---and it might be votive lights. Stay tuned. I will report more later when I get details.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Tales From Normal, Mn.: "The Worship of Deep Pockets"-----FICTION

It has always been an interest of mine....what people believe...and do not believe...what they worship and adore....and what they distain...it tells a lot about folks....

Recently, it has been a real mystery...talking to some local political types...they keep saying that even though the health effects of wind turbines set close to residential areas are well known...even though they cause sleep disturbance...and yes even learning disabilities.....this is a small price to pay for being green....and besides..the politicos whispered..."these folks have BIG pockets"----It was that last phrase that bewildered me. What's with the DEEP POCKETS?"

So---I did what I always do when I have questions---I just picked up the phone and dialed my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn...He was street smart...legally wise...a member of the Normal School Board...and besides he did some wills and estates in his law practice, traded some stock options in his spare time...but mostly fished for bass in the day time. In short...he was not your Twitter kind of guy--he was grounded...he should know about the "worship of deep pockets."

"What's with the worship of Deep Pockets?" I asked. "What kinda cult is this?"

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh:

Shucks Wolfman (that's what he always called me), this is just normal politics. Elected leaders are really hooked on the cash....it's not the POCKETS, but the cash IN the pockets that talks.....Up here in Normal, it's the oil lobby that has the deep pockets,,,and the mining lobby...and yes...the booze lobby. In your state it might be the cheese lobby.

Politicians need money to wage huge campaigns, and ultimately they just end up pandering to the folks with the deepest pockets....and spend most of their time focused on issues like rescuing us from "Ash borer disease". That is a wonderful thing to campaign about, cause...well...the ash borer lobby just has very small pockets.

WOW. What a revelation. And now it did make sense...the Ash Borer thing..I do remember some memos about that sometime back...and how deeply they felt about it...after all...they did have to stand for something....and that was the only thing left...the deep pocket folks had everything else covered.