Local Editors Visualize what is News: Fiction

Recently in Normal, Mn, two distinguished editors of local newspapers met to lecture to the local community on what it is to cover and indeed make the "news".  The miracle about this presentation was that these news desks never in fact attend ANY meetings, and indeed NEVER have any video or audio to report....they just rely on emails from the respective organizations that TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED....NICE.....

Dateline Normal, Mn: Rich who pay no Taxes demand to pay less taxes: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. but am trying to understand how the rich seek to pay less...but it seems that that is the way it is. Stay tuned.

Normal, Mn. launches tasting of shots in local liquor stores--hopes to stimulate developments

Just got the text from Herman from Normal, Mn. that they have approved not only concealed carry so folks could carry their gun to the liquor store, but now they can taste up to three shots of liquor so that they can make an informed choice about their purchase. This is a new twist on economic development, and after a few shots, folks can hardly remember what any other type of economic development looked like.

President Obama proposes continuing cuts to Social Security funding source to......WHAT?

President Obama has proposed continuing the cut to the source of Social Security funding so that..... WHAT? it appears he supports the undermining of the retirement system just as President George Bush proposed a Medicare medical prescription benefit that was not properly funded...NICE.

Back to the Future 1776: Revolution Aborted when Freedom of Assembly requires Prepay of Police Costs

Just got the text from Normal,Mn today. Seems that the pundits there...upon reflection on historical events...redid the American Revolution and it came out differently====the British announced that the colonies had the right of assembly as long as they prepaid the police costs and filed a properly notorized assembly permit. This moment of revolutionary revision comes from the fantasy of Wisconsin history...stay tuned.

Developer Plans another 180 upscale park benches for Uptown Minneapolis: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. and one industrious reporter there that had visited Uptown area in Mpls last weekend.....seems Minneapolis is very sensitive to the growing demand for park benches for living accomodations, and is planning another 180 park upscale park benches for the Uptown area.

Relax. They will be upscale and on either end will be cupholders, that can contain beverages, or ....anything....and on the other side a trash container. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Jokesters assert "Weight Loss" or Cutting Budgets is just about "continuous improvement": Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn---it seems the "Billy Bob Academy of Dieting and Budgets" is urging folks to attend a seminar in which it is explained that no weight loss is necessary, and no budget cuts are necessary---all that is necessary is the right attitude. So far, enrollment for this seminar is skyrocketing. Folks like it. Stay tuned as I cover this story.

100 Yr. Old Town still unsure who they are after 25 "branding studies"--seek group therapy: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, MN.---they have just completed a comprehensive "branding study" for the community, but it appears that even though they have done this type of study 25 times in the past 100 years, they still are unsure who they are.....

A local pastor has suggested that the whole community seek group therapy.

I will keep you posted on the latest on their progress notes.

Activist Poor Meet to support Cain 999 Proposal--Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The political action group "Activist Poor who seek to Harm Themselves" will meet next week in Normal, Mn to develop new ways to help Republican party candidate Cain succeed with this 9-9-9 tax proposal. The whole idea of the poor solving all the problems that face America is so attractive to this group that they welcome all citizens to the meeting. Stay tuned for details.

Hearing Aid Society Holds Listening Session: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Normal, Mn. Hearing Aid Society held a listening session last week at the local community center. A delightful light lunch of subway sandwiches was offered along with oolong tea. Lots of folks spoke but few heard what was said, and no minutes were taken.

All agreed it was a fabulous success and another session is planned in six months.

National Retail Firm seeks "Out of the Box" Thinker: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today that a noted national retailer is seeking a web marketing manager who can think "outside the box" in developing its marketing web strategy....It says in the specs that in addition to a proven track record, the applicant must be able to punch in and out within the 7 minutes required, as well as master the 329 page training manual.

National Retail Firm that says they "Treat their Employees Like Family" Gets Charged in Class Action Case for Wage and Hour Violations: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the startling text today....a truly homegrown, midwest corporation that touted it's love of its employees, and asserted they treated all employees like " family" has been charged with Wage and Hour violations.

Until we get all the details, we will suspend judgment...but it kinda makes one wonder what their definition of "family" was.

Wall Street Rally Pending: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Wall Street opened down today on pessimism from Overseas markets during the night, and with the mention of China, France, Italy and Greece in a news story. Wall street pundits had hoped that only two countries would be mentioned--- but were disappointed and punished stocks.

Stocks rallied around 9:30 AM, as brokers were excited about the Starbucks special on Broad Street, that featured free whipped cream with all orders over five dollars.

As lunch approached and the old timers headed out for coctails, the market sensed a rally on the strength of the special two for one happy hour that had been expanded partly as a consolation for traders who have had to contend with the protesters loudly asserting that they are corrupt and greedy. Market watchers are hopeful that when the traders return from their liquid lunch, they will put a happy face on afternoon action.

Stay tuned for the latest.

Police Department Holds Focus Groups in Normal, Mn.: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The police department of Normal, Mn. has announced a month long series of focus groups to hear from the public their hopes and vision of the police future in Normal, Mn. as well as any concerns. Consult your local paper for the times and places. All focus group meetings will feature a three course meal. The Listening session will be preceded by an hour long presentation by our local police chief on the role of "community policing" in our local town.

In addition to the chief in attendance, two additonal officers will be present to display the most recent firearms available to the department, as well as the new Dodge Charger Police cars, complete with mag wheels. These mag wheels may need more frequent inflation in cold temperatures, but in the words of one officer, they are "cool" and bring the respect of speeders everywhere.

At the end of each focus group, the public will be allowed five minutes for questions.

President who says he has a photographic Memory can't remember WHERE he put the jobs: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well the press is touting all over America that the former President Clinton has a photographic memory---but the pundits of Normal, Mn. are bewildered---they wonder how the very President that sent all those jobs abroad by his agreements with NAFTA,....at the same time cannot remember what he did? The old guys from Normal, Mn think this may be early memory loss.

What do you think?

Conservatives Urge Poor to Sleep in their Cars to Save: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The leading conservative magazine from the northern tundra town of Normal, Mn. has published a broadside that urges the poor to sleep in their cars as a cost saving measure. In the long but somewhat rambling article, the conservative weekly noted that the budget was way over budget for park benches due to the demand for overnight accomodations, and hence the car sleeping idea came to the forefront in conservative minds as a remedy. Conservative talk show hosts cited the successful use in Texas as a precendent. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"Living More With Less" a citywide book read for October": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The august city council of Normal, MN. declared October 2011, "Living More With Less Month" and urged all citizens to read the book available in abundant supply at the local library. They declared that the philosophy in the book was very timely and indeed the recipies in the book were especially tasty.

Right after applauding the "Living More With Less" book, the Council moved unanimously to donate any excess of the city purchased books for the book read to the local Goodwill.

The City coucil then voted to raise taxes. No cuts to the proposed budgets were made.

Stay tuned as I follow the latest from Normal, Mn.

Normal Mn Community Center announces Breakthrough: Combined Health and Octoberfest Fair: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

In a breathtaking announcement today, the Community Center of Normal, Mn., a 501(3)c organization announced that to maximize efficiency, they have combined the annual Health Fair and the Octoberfest Celebration, and will make the celebration a day long event on October 10th at the new community center in Normal.

This breakthrough in efficiency will feature health screenings in the morning, followed by free pizza from Noon to closing from "Billy Bob's Pizza" the premium provider of Normal, Mn, and then also at very low special prices Billy Bob's favorite generic beer......

Bring the entire family...

Modern Touch Tone, Hands Free, Green Healthcare comes to Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today----pretty stunning news. Out of the supposedly backward northern tundra of Normal, Mn., comes the breathtaking new rollout of modern high tech healthcare----it will feature touch tone telephones that give the caller the option of: "Press one for appointments, Press two for clinical, Press 911 if this is a medical emergency, Press four if you are not sure if it is a medical emergency, Press five if you are reporting a death.

In addition to these modern conveniences, you will be able to access your physican via teleconference where the doctor can ask you questions and by using your computer video the physician can examine your health concerns. Hands free, totally green, and represented to save time and money.

Physician charges will be electronically debited from your checking account after each visit. How cool is that.


Stay tuned for further details as this brand new development happens...right in the backward tundra....just think of the magic if it came to your neighborhood.

Justices Charged in Enforcing "Open Meeting Laws" Say Law does not apply to them: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The justices of the Supreme Court of Normal, Mn. have announced today that while they do take very seriously their responsibility to enforce the "Open Meeting Law", they are above that law themselves.

When asked which laws they plan on following, the Supreme Justices indicated that they will decide this on a case by case basis. Stay tuned.

There was some speculation that a fight broke out during the discussion of this ruling, but this was unable to be confirmed.

Miss Toosie's Retort: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

Recently a famous Governor's wife made a visit to the local nursing home in Normal, Mn., where Miss Toosie is currently living in the Memory Care Unit.
By sheer luck, the Governor's wife stopped in to Miss Toosie's room...As she greeted her, the Governor's wife said: "Do You know who I am?"

Miss Toosie replied:

"Not really, but if you go to the receptionist desk she will tell you who you are."

Normal Mn considers building shrine--looking for a miracle to celebrate: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that while they had hoped that FOOTBALL would save them with the beginning of the 2011 season and the increased economic activity, so far there has only been a few more diet pepsi consumed and it has not been enough for this fishing town of in the northern tundra.

Just yesterday, the Tourism subcomittee of the Economic Development Committee, commissioned a special "Miracle Task Force" to examine whether a shrine could be built to venerate a special miracle that has happened in these remote parts-----If you know of a miracle that will do....contact City Hall.

"Austerity Days" Come to Normal, Mn: Fiction

Just the got the text today that there is a huge celebration in Normal, Mn. this weekend for "Austerity Days." All of the most conservative pundits in the country have been yelling for austerity, yelling that people have too much debt, yelling that it is all the other guys fault----but up in Normal, Mn. austerity has arrived....nobody is spending anything....and the city is set to celebrate.

If you get near Garrison this weekend, just look for the large signs---to celebrate the return of life of the 1950's one store will be selling hamburgers for .25 and also beer will be really cheap...but then it always has been cheap in Normal, Mn. Sure business owners would like you to buy something, but bein that it is austerity days, they will be real laid back on the sales technique. Stop on by. It should be fun.

Billionaire Investor Buys Cow Dung Bank: Urges Investors to Follow: Says Cologne will solve problems: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text this morning from Normal, Mn. that a local billionaire investor has made a huge investment in an ailing bank...one filled with corrupt management and riddled with a long history of illegal conduct...i.e a cow dung bank.

The moxie billionaire says that regular American investors should follow his lead...they should buy at the LOW. He promises some cologne that will solve the smelly history. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"Economic Development Committee Deleted: Jobs Department Created: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

In modern times, Economic Development departments of cities NEVER create any jobs...they just create infrastructure that looks nice, but never results in any job creation....the reason for this is explained in the book called "NO LOGO" by Naomi Klein. As Americans, we want our companies to outsource all the jobs so we can concentrate only on the "branding."

I got the email today from the city council of Normal, Mn. that announced thus the deletion of the Economic Development committee, which to tell the truth was just the lackey of special interests anyway, and did nothing for the everyday citizen. The committee has been renamed the "Jobs Department" and in the bylaws it is prescribed that if any infrastructure project does not create CONTINUING jobs, it is NOT done.

Make a note of it.

85 Yr. Old Investor Still Plans on Holding for the "Long Term": Tales from Normal, Mn.: Fiction

In a truly inspiring story today, an 85 year old investor from Normal, Mn. tweeted that despite losing tons of money over the years in crashes, and despite getting puny returns for his investments, he still plans on holding his stocks cause his investment advisor told him that over the long term, it was the right thing to do.

I hope to interview this gentleman later today, and will pass on my findings. He is staying at the local nursing home in the "memory unit" on the third floor.

Wisdom of an Unpaid, "Voluntary" Militia Seen in Normal, Mn: FICTION

One of the first casualties next week if the United States defaults on its debt, will be that the military, active and retired will be unpaid. Yes. The bond holder, alias, the Chinese who hold our debt, and the Social Security recipients, who are paying in more than taking out, have first dibs---They will be paid. The military will wait.

The elders of Normal, Mn. were alarmed at first with the prospect of not paying our armed forces, but after some reflection, they realized that this would be a wonderful way to promote peace. After all...if only those who wanted to work for nothing would join the military, then...well...war might not be such a profitable business or career.

So...relax...the troops will be coming home shortly.

Beer Licenses Cancelled till Debt Crisis Solved: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that yesterday all beer permits have been cancelled and no sales of beer and wine will be allowed till the budget crisis of Minnesota is resolved. The wise elders of Normal, Mn. sent a press release in which they indicated that the failure of governments to meet their obligations in a timely and yet realistic manner indicated a perception disorder that would be helped by a "dry out" period.

Bar patrons are outraged, but do understand. In an odd way, in a territory that has very few effective "detox" programs, this is a way for the whole community to face the reality that they have been denying for so long.

After a comprehensive survey of patrons turned away from the Hideaway Lounge last night, where only Tahitian Treat was served, all patrons agreed that a quick solution was very important and possible...they hoped.

"Everybody takes Losses but Me" party wins in Normal, Mn.: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

All across the United States, and for the past four years, citizens from all levels of society have been taking economic losses---and yet the irony is that all across that same United States when I visit with folks, if they are selling their home, they have NO intention of taking losses....if they are discussing taxes, they insist that others take the increase in taxes not themselves....if there are cuts to be made, let others take them.....

Taking advantage of this phenom, I just got the word today that in Normal, Mn.,the recently formed populist group, "Everybody take losses but me" has won an overwhelming victory in their recent election. The whole community could not hire mental health counselors to discuss their social problem, so they decided to adjust their politics. Nice.

Special Boxing Federation for Lawyers formed in Normal, Mn.: Tales from Normal, Mn: FICTION

Lawyers and Supreme Court justices from Normal, Mn moved boldly today to form a special boxing federation for their members. They indicated in a brief press release that they refused to be intimidated by the boxing prowess of their peers in Wisconsin, and furthermore, they had the moxie to do their boxing during their leisure time rather than "on the job" or during judicial deliberations, preferring cerebral and verbal pursuits during regular work hours.

The press release did not list the contact info, but stay tuned. There will probably be quite some demand of boxing matches with the esteemed bench from Minnesota.