Dateline Normal: "Me Love you Long Time"-----FICTION

A simple story of why people who love people are always at least 4000 miles away from one's residence, and usually one never gets to meet them.

Well the excitement of the Beijing Olympics has been building for months---and the opening ceremony is only days away. The Olympics might just put China on the map in many ways....if the smog clears so we can even see the map that is. And if the Chinese can clean up their human rights abuses in time....it seems that they have been watching us in our conduct of the Guantanomo prisons and the Abu Ghirab affair, and they have used us as a role model and it is hard to get out of their mind. They need to learn that we never do what we say and to follow what we say till we tell them otherwise. Everybody knows that.

One myth is that the fascination with China is something new---not really so in our home. The oriental thing. The interest in the mystery....the religion...the customs and yes costumes has been long standing. One daughter has studied Japanese, and the manga movies outnumber the heavy dose of violent action movies that once had graced our libraries. Now romantic manga movies are the story of the day. I cannot understand Japanese or Chinese so I do not understand what the girls are giggling about in these movies. There is just not enough action for me.

What has it come to. Where is the young Jesse the body Ventura or Schwartzeneger when we need them? I just wondered. And as I always do, I picked up the cell phone and called my old friend Herman from Normal, Mn..

I wasted no time in with pleasantries.

"Herman, what is the deal with all this oriental obsession----the anime on the girls side, and yes the myth of oriental love on the guy side. How does this all add up?

Herman just laughed.

It is pretty simple, Wolfman( that's what he always called me.) This thing has been going on for eternity. It is called now the "Me Love You Long Time Myth" or the "Distance Love Equation" in Algebra.

"I never learned that equation, Herman. It must have been in the appendix."

Then Herman went on: "The Distance Love equation states that the object of love has an intensity of love that is directly proportional to the distance from the beholder." This was one of Newton's laws that was lost in translation."

"What this means is that one always, as a matter of human nature, yearns most for "love" that is farthest from one, usually at least 3000 miles away, and usually which will never be found because of the extensive travel expenses. The secondary rule is that it is usually required that the person not speak your same language. That is the key for making the love intense.

"The bottom line, Wolfman, is that we never value love that is close. It is too easy and too difficult at the same time. We need it far off and unattractive and unintelligble to be really desirable."

"Does this rule even apply in Wisconsin?", I asked.

"Well I think so," Herman replied. "Still, the cheese could interfere with the rule maybe."

So there it is. The "Me Love You Long Time Rule," one of the lost Newton Laws. Even in Wisconsin. Now it all makes sense.