Tales From Normal, Mn.--FICTION

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Tales from Normal, Mn. Headline News---FICTION

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

"City Ignores Audit Recommendation for 75th Straight Year:" Tales from Normal, Mn.---FICTION

The city of Normal, Mn. met last week to celebrate the completion of its fiscal year---and even finished the meeting with a ceremonial popping of the champaigne----

The auditors, Old Block and Co., a local accounting firm of lineage dating back to the founding fathers of Normal, Mn., noted the following deficiencies:

We continue to recommend that the City prepare an accounting and financial policies manual that includes the following:

Purchasing procedures
Treasury functions including an investment policy
Fund accounting
Utility billing procedures
Cash receipts procedures
Journal entry approval
Fraud risk management
Disaster recovery plan
Chart of accounts manual
Work order processing
Utility collection and write-off procedures
Interest and reconciliation of customer deposits."

With intense and joyous pride, the Normal Common Council voted unanimously to disregard the auditors recommendations for the 75th Straight Year.

"It's our heritage" one council member was heard to say.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dreams of Summer in Normal, MN.

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"Local Newspaper downsizes to 3x5 card" ---room left over: FICTION

Locals were startled recently when a local newspaper announced they were downsizing to a new 3 x 5 card format. At first I thought that it was because there was such a scarcity of content from the paper...but I just wondered....

I picked up the phone and dialed Herman from Normal, Mn., the old wise countryboylawyer, and yes fisherman; Herman should know the latest of trends.

"Herman, is this the death of newspapers? What is the deal?", I asked.

Herman just laughed:

"Shucks Wolfman( that's what he always called me) up here in Normal, MN. we have gone to the 3x 5 postcard format for the past 5 years....On the postcard we just list the website for the paper. The postcards are free, but the entrance to the site requires subscription. It's real simple----and make a note that there is really plenty of room left over on the postcard...it's real efficient."

I was stunned. To think that such a backward fishing village could be so far ahead of everybody else.

Monday, December 21, 2009

"When the boys shop"=== the forgotten song---FICTION

Well the long Christmas season is coming to an end==and just in the last few days before Christmas, I have been working for an online retailer, and have been getting those calls from the guys looking for a little something for the wife, or significant other. In fact...all across America it seems that guys are wandering around the malls seeking ideas for a gift for that special someone....

What has been a little embarassing is that I recognize in those desparate shoppers a little of myself of earlier years...and if the truth be told after checking with my family, even I have not made much progress in this regard....

I just wondered how it all went up in Normal, Mn., where guys were guys, focused on the big fish and ice fishing, and I wondered how they fit in Christmas shopping midst all the fishing contests. ...I just picked up the phone and gave my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer a call...he should know.

Herman just laughed.

"Wolfman (thats what he always called me} every true fisherman knows the rule of the fuzzy nightgown---every year, rather than fuss and blunder over the last minute gift for the wife....just give her a fuzzy nightgown...or negligee and alternate every year....trust me...it works wonders. Do not get creative or confused. Just follow the plan."

So there it is. Herman is a lawyer...he should know. Guys...do not get creative...just follow the plan and you will be a happy man....

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

"Snow Busts Budget for 99th Straight Year"---FICTION: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it has been pretty stressful---fighting the snow plus the ice and the hazardous snow conditions made worse maybe by the poor plowing in certain municipalities---it seems that these snow conditions---coming at the very time that the celebrated city leaders were heading to city hall to vote for millions in TIF funding for a large hotel enterprise----well the whole thing is being touted in the press as a complete budget buster...a budget surprise.....I just wondered...

I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn., who just then was ice fishing up in Normal, Mn---I wondered how the northern tundra handled those snow expenses.

When I blurted it out---about how the mayor even admitted responsibility for the bad storm handling and all, Herman just laughed:

"Shucks Wolfman( thats what he always called me) don't ya just wonder how snow expenses could be such a surprise for the 99th straight year. What is the problem...maybe memory?

Up here in Normal, Mn., we place a tax on all liquor---and hold it in a separate trust fund---we have found that in crisis snow times, folks drink evenmore, and thus the fund has risen and fallen with the snow...it just works out. We don't call it a booze tax---it's called the snow tax---and everybody is for it...after all, if nobody can drive...that is bad for business....folks get it up here...and the worst thing is if folks cannot shop at Christmas..."

Thanks Herman.

Friday, December 11, 2009

" Expand or start a War---Get a Nobel Peace Price"---Fiction: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it has been a little disconcerting----listening to all the hubub about the President getting the Nobel Peace Prize just as he is announcing an expansion of the Afganistan War, all upon the recommendation of the very general that covered up the death of Mr Tillman----loyal general, but not showing a real long history of truthfulness. The real guy that should have gotten the peace prize was Tillman.

Upset....I spent a long drive up to Normal, Mn., where on Friday night late, in the midst of the second set of a moody blues band, asked Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend, what to make of PEACE these days.

Herman paused:

"Shucks, Wolfman, now is not the time to be bewildered. Those Nobel peace prizes have always gone to the warlords...after all, that is why even the drones are called "PREDATOR" drones. It is about being a PREDATOR. It would be nice to see some PEACEMAKER drones---and even a few drones to protect the skies over the US would be nice. Remember 911---ya did not see any TOP GUN types in the air on that famous day---no they were too busy on foreign R and R to take the time to defend the homeland."

I was a little shocked by the words of Herman. But then I had to reflect. I did always love the movie TOP GUN....but come to think of it,...never did see any of those famous flyers defending the homeland....it was always about those foreign shores.....