Ambulance Chasing Reporters seen as Heroes of Journalism: Tales from Normal, Mn: FICTION

The practice of chasing ambulances and then writing stories or obituaries and allowing public comment to trash the deceased is now touted as the highest of journalistic practice according to local editors of major newspapers.

Republicans celebrate a Dream Come True: Deregulated Oil: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

It is just what they always dreamed.

City forms Grave Society to explore old ideas: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Stay tuned.

Back to the Future: 2050: China finally revalues yuan currency

Working on getting the back to the future car fired up so I can cover this breaking story...Stay tuned.

City grants liquor operator permits to all citizens just to save administrative time: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

State Abandons School Funding: Cites Error: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

I am developing this story and am following the accounting trail that led to this terrible error. It may have been that fighting eternal wars abroad was just too expensive and thus service to citizens became expendable....Stay tuned.

Flower Arranging Touted as Major Economic Development Tool: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Flower arranging has been a skill of tremendous repute for ages. Now, in selected situations it is being used as a major tool of economic development.....Stay tuned for this developing story.

Retirement Age modified to 92; Seniors told to Toughen Up: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

I got this headline from my friend Herman today, via a short text message. I will report the details as they emerge.

Summer ReRun TV audience Pitched as Great Marketing Opportunity: Tales from Normal, Mn.:

Stay tuned for the developing story.

No Stop Signs, Just Sobriety CheckPoints in Normal, Mn.: Fiction

This is the headline from Normal, Mn. Stay tuned for the story.

Normal, Mn. celebrates Historic 100 Year Flood--for the 4th Straight Year in A Row!!!!!!: FICTION

100 Year Floods are pretty exciting stuff----and to the honor of Normal, Mn., they are celebrating their 4th 100 Year Flood in the past four years.....I am heading up to Normal this weekend...and will report on the festivities....Stay tuned.

"There's Real Swearing at the "Swearing In Ceremony" in Normal, Mn."---FICTION

This past weekend, in order to get away from all the acrimony of politics, I headed on up to the peace and fishing of Normal, Mn.---and during a Saturday night session with the locals at the Hideaway Lounge, where my favorite Tex-Mex band was playing, I asked the group what the local tradition of the "swearing in ceremony was". The folks at our table just erupted in joy as they explained the local traditon.

It seems that years ago, to fight the boredom and status quo mentality of the locals toward politics, the swearing in ceremony in Normal, Mn. was seen as the last time that the candidates and their supporters could curse their opponents out loud----and one minute was given right before the swearing in ceremony to get all that animosity out---after that they had to be civil to each other----so over the years it had developed into quite a scene---literally there was a whole lot of swearing going on for that one minute each election cycle.

Well it sure is good to be back home....where we are not limited by just one minute of swearing...anyway...it sure should be interesting.

All the Candidates use robocallers in Normal, Mn.: Tales from Normal, MN.: FICTION

Well it has been pretty upsetting...with all the unauthorized robocallers wandering around doing their stand up cold calling cowboy routine for the local candidates.....kind of like hijacking the gold bullion stage coach headed to Carson city...in them olden days.

So I wondered...and just called my old friend, Herman,...the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn....he was a lawyer...he should know...

Herman just let out a huge bellylaugh;

"Shucks Wolfman( that's what he always called me); Up here in Normal, Mn., we are long past the point of human contact in politics---its just too messy...we love the digital age...with all the ipods and the Ipads...and the inhuman aspects of it....

So...we made it a local ordinance that all candidates MUST use robocalling, and absolutely no human interaction with any citizen...that is best....and we have made the robocalling free of charge...just to make it a level playing field.....after all...it is about fishing up here...and the politics is extra...even below fish cleaning."

"Leave it up to the Building Inspector"---the national role model of Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well last week, the local planning commission voted to address one of the most contentious issues worldwide----the issue of set back from floodway, or floodplain, for the purpose of construction of homes or commercial ventures---if you search google, you will see whether it is the British and the Prime Minister living in the flood plain at 10 Downing Street, or whether it is the locals, citizens are struggling on how to say....well...."no"---to those who would buy cheap land, build, sell to the unsuspecting, and then when the inevitable comes and the structure is damaged---have the buyer demand to be bailed out from the damage at taxpayer expense.

I wondered.

So I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer of Normal, Mn. He should know.

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.

"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)---we faced this issue years ago---and after deciding at the common council that we did not want to decide cause it was too difficult...we let it up to the "building inspector"----and presto---it was so successful that we have extended the idea toother contentious issues, like...teenage drinking, sign ordinance issues, animal control issues....and lastly world peace."

WOW. What a solution!!!!!

It turns out that locally we have been in the forefront of the solution to some of the vexing problems of our time.

Shoppers Regain Confidence in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well it has been quite a past two years---with employees nationwide losing their jobs and their homes at record rates---but the good news, and maybe the bad news was that folks had panicked and actually saved some of their earnings---yes the saving rate for America had gone up....

Now with the approach of Spring, some good news and maybe bad news----folks have begun to shop again---and not for just remodeling supplies, but for clothing and the other things that make America hum---Even though the revenue from employee earnings has not risen, the shopping has risen----

OOPS. That was what got us in the mess to begin with. I just wondered. I wonder what Herman would say about all this:

I caught him standing up casting for bass and ...yes...it took a while for him to answer his cellphone.

"Shucks Wolfman: quit worrying about the consumer....home prices will decline to where the youngsters today who make $10 an hour can buy them...it might take some time.....but in that meantime, the youngsters can buy some for digital gagets to keep the economy going."

Then he got a bass strike and had to hang up. First things first.

"Voting with your feet---and other funny stories"---Tales From Normal, Mn.

Recently I have been reading news reports about citizens of communities that have been told of higher taxes and the reports of the media have suggested that citizens are going to go to other districts, just are not going to take it anymore----in short---they are going to "walk with their feet."

I just wondered about that. So as always, I called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn.---after all, there had been ZERO growth in Normal, Mn. for decades---he should know about any walking.

After a long explanation, Herman just let out a huge bellylaugh:

"Everybody thinks they are just free as heck and can walk---but the reality is that when it comes time, things are so dismal, and jobs are so scarce...that folks just give their homes back to the bank....and then they walk......It is not defiance...it is just despair......"

Thanks, Herman.

Normal creates more historic districts than jobs!!: Normal, MN: FICTION

In special report to the community, held in a hushed room of citizens, the Normal, Mn historical society presented their annual report today, with multiberry scones with complimentary Starbucks coffee prior to the presentation in order to warm up the crowd.

Over the past year, according to the report, Normal, Mn. has created three historic districts, and has lost 300 factory jobs over the past 12 months----and if one does the math, under the proposal at the meeting, if an additonal four historic districts are added, well over another 300 jobs will be lost next year if history repeats itself---an axiom that all true historical preservs believe fervently, even if drinking a decaf Starbucks, with soy, hold the sugar, double whipped cream.

In summary, the community of Normal, Mn. was not impressed with the prospects for future development. Stay tuned for a more comprehensive report when the Plaque or Plague report is released next week.

"Man stopped for 100th DWI: Police unsure of action: Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Last night in Normal, Mn, a local named "Henry", not his real name to protect his rights to privacy, was stopped by the local law enforcement for his 100th DWI, or more commonly called OWI.

After stopping him with three patrol cars with helicopters overhead as backup, they whisked him off to the local police station to be booked and then returned home to his own cogniscance.

Upon contact by the local media, the local police were unsure of what action they would take. Stay tuned.

Normal, Mn. Goes Virtual: Keeps Sports;Keeps Special Ed: Fires Teachers----FICTION

Well it has been just a little bit unsettling...living in a time warp where institutions, school, state, and federal government keep mouthing about just cutting the "fat" of expenses, all the while everyone knows that essential cuts are coming...when the stimulus ends....and the loud music ends and the sole piper is heard to play...

After reading the drama of a neighboring school district, Brodhead, Wi, where the school, facing a deficit, tried the old technique of threatening the sports funding, decided once the referendum failed, and over 80 students filed for open enrollment, that the best course would be to cut the teachers and keep the sports......I just wondered....

I rang up Herman, my old friend at Normal, Mn.. He was a lawyer and member of the Normal, Mn. school board...he must know. Normal was a small fishing town, just south of Garrison, Mn., and ...well...with the decline in tourism dollars....they were hurting....I wondered about their solution.

After I explained the situation, Herman let out a huge bellylaugh:

"Shucks Wolfman (that's what he always called me) up here we are mostly fishermen, and we have gotten used to the sonar fishing locators and such, and the guys really do understand the magic of mobile computing. And--with the rapid improvement of these mobile devices, there is simply nowhere that a bass can hide in the weeds anymore...tech is really something up here."

Then he went on:

"Several years ago, facing the budget crisis, we decided that we would eliminate all the regular high school classes and go "virtual instruction." After all, most of the "cultural value" of the high school here was social skill, and the kids seem to be doing just fine without the classes, with all the email, cell phone, ipod touch, etc, etc. They were just knocking down high grades in "communication".

We just kept the special education classes in the regular classrooms, and of course, we kept all the sports. Mostly they are winter sports, and the only heating costs are the warming houses for hockey.

It has really worked out. We hired some of the teachers to run the virtual, as long as they could compete with other teacher equilavents around the world, such as India. There has been quite a saving.

What a shock. Cutting school but keeping sports.

"You can always afford to Come home to Normal, Mn"---FICTION.

Some years ago, I was speaking to a friend from my youth, and he asked me "Have you been home lately?" When I responded that I had not, he said: "You will not be happy. Check it out."

So I did. And the last time back, I drove with my brother to check out the old haunts....What shock. What had been a small town on the edge of a lake, and yes....there were always the mansions on the lake of the super rich...but there had been a middle class that had a thriving area of town.

Now even the shacks built in the 1930's and 1940's when there was rationing of building supplies were now selling for $250K. And in the new section of town for development, they had packed $400M homes side by side with no space to speak of and it looked just terrible.

Frustrated, I picked up the phone and called Herman from Normal, Mn. He should know what to do.

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me.)

"Up here in Normal, Mn, we keep things simple, and well...it is pretty spartan....but the bottom line is that....you can always afford to come home....and in fact that is our hometown mantra. Many towns want to build spanking new buildings, and enlighten the citizens by raising the taxes, but as I remember it, nobody every got saved by higher taxes and less disposable income. "

"Wrestlers Don't Dance in Normal, Mn."--FICTION

Well there is nothing like having a local school board meeting to kick off the week----last night I attended a meeting where the topic of discussion was how to manage the uniform appropriateness of Poms at our local school---they are a sport now, and there has been some concern that in their effort to capture market share from the Dallas Cowboys cheer squad, they might have gone over the edge of propriety and ..well..this might have caused some moral decay or excitement among the fans.

Right in the middle of the discussion of who was more or less inappropriate, one of the poms startled the crowd by saying: "Have you ever thought of the wrestlers uniforms? Some of those are clearly indecent!!!"

The crowd was speechless. Not one wrestler parent was present to defend them. No person had considered that in the lurching to and fro in the discussion, wrestler uniform indecency might be the culprit in a generalized moral downfall of students.

As I sat there, taking notes, I tried to picture the wrestling event. Later, when the meeting had dispursed, I did what I always do when confronting an extremely difficult problem...I gave my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn. a call---he was on the school board...he should know of this problem.

After I explained the situation, Herman let out a huge bellylaugh;

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me) I understand your situation. We faced this many years ago. Up here in Normal, Mn., the wrestlers don't dance-----We clearly outlaw wrestlers dancing in the co-curricular handbook. And anyway----most wrestlers could not hip hop if they wanted to...the wrestlers follow the rules. They would not want to corrupt anyone."

Thanks Herman.

Master Garagebuilder Forgets How: Tales From Normal, Mn.: Fiction

Here in Normal, MN., we are sorely in need of a small car---recently a master garage builder who built ..well..mostly every garage in Normal,Mn., built a brand spanking new garage, and.... well....it was too small for two regular size cars.....the entire community was stunned.....and in truth wanted to protect his feelings and such....and wondered what to do.....

I asked Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend about what to do.
"Is there no accountability, Herman? Do builders just charge extra to fix their own mistakes? What is the deal?

"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me), ya got to understand...we are a fishing town of great fisherman and also great big...and proud tradesmen....and so ya got to be careful. Think of it this way....it was not an error....it was just designed for two TATA MOTORS cars. Thus....it was future thinking.

These cars will be arrving in the USA in a couple of years, and will cost about $10,000----and believe me, they are small. Just park the current big cars outside till we can get the TATA motors cars in a couple of years. No point hurting anyone's feelings."

"NO rear view mirrors for ambulance in Normal, Mn."---FICTION

Cruising into Normal, Mn. last weekend, I noticed behind me the flashing of lights, and then the Normal, Mn. ambulance flying by to the rescue---right after it passed me, and yes I did slow and pull to the right, I noticed that the ambulance quickly,...and too quickly pulled over to the right lane, as if not noticing how close it was to me. Then I noticed---something a little odd----it had NO REAR VIEW MIRRORS.

After warming up a bit at the Hideaway Lounge on Friday night, I posed the question to Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend---he was a lawyer and also a member of the Normal, Mn school board---It was a little out of his expertise but I thought I would try--so I asked.

Herman just bent over laughing.

"Shucks Wolfman...that is quite a story. Up here in Normal, Mn., we are real precise and real energy efficient---and we planned the EMS garage with only one inch to spare----and you guessed it, we forgot about the rear view mirrors----but we figured that thinking on our feet, in order to live within the budget, we would just rip off the mirrors---after all that is forward thinking...right?"

So there it is. The mystery of why there are no mirrors on the ambulances in Normal, MN.

"Investments bought and held over 300 years praised": FICTION: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it's that sacred New Year investment game again---every financial pundit with a computer mouse is making predictions, carefully in low monitone voices, about the coming year's stock market results. It just makes a guy wonder.

I picked up the cell phone and called Normal, Mn., and reached Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend---he was in the midst of an ice fishing contest, so I make it quick with the question.

I explained how confusing it was reading all the pundits at year end. Herman just laughed.

"Shucks Wolfman, ya just got to get used to it. Up here in Normal, MN., we are long term investors----We invest for 300 years---that way it works out. From the investors view, the stocks are given to the heirs, and after all, the donors cannot remember what the basis was anyway. And from the receiving end, it is a gift and they do not care a whit. Good feelings all around.

Think of it as you would an ice shack. My grandpappy gave dad this shack, and I inherited it....It will go to my boys some day. It has been a heck of an investment. I just think of the fish, not the shack, and that is the model that works for investments too."

Yup. I guess it makes sense. That must be why some of my investments did not work out----I just did not live long enough.

"City Ignores Audit Recommendation for 75th Straight Year:" Tales from Normal, Mn.---FICTION

The city of Normal, Mn. met last week to celebrate the completion of its fiscal year---and even finished the meeting with a ceremonial popping of the champaigne----

The auditors, Old Block and Co., a local accounting firm of lineage dating back to the founding fathers of Normal, Mn., noted the following deficiencies:

We continue to recommend that the City prepare an accounting and financial policies manual that includes the following:

Purchasing procedures
Treasury functions including an investment policy
Fund accounting
Utility billing procedures
Cash receipts procedures
Journal entry approval
Fraud risk management
Disaster recovery plan
Chart of accounts manual
Work order processing
Utility collection and write-off procedures
Interest and reconciliation of customer deposits."

With intense and joyous pride, the Normal Common Council voted unanimously to disregard the auditors recommendations for the 75th Straight Year.

"It's our heritage" one council member was heard to say.

Dreams of Summer in Normal, MN.

 

"Local Newspaper downsizes to 3x5 card" ---room left over: FICTION

Locals were startled recently when a local newspaper announced they were downsizing to a new 3 x 5 card format. At first I thought that it was because there was such a scarcity of content from the paper...but I just wondered....

I picked up the phone and dialed Herman from Normal, Mn., the old wise countryboylawyer, and yes fisherman; Herman should know the latest of trends.

"Herman, is this the death of newspapers? What is the deal?", I asked.

Herman just laughed:

"Shucks Wolfman( that's what he always called me) up here in Normal, MN. we have gone to the 3x 5 postcard format for the past 5 years....On the postcard we just list the website for the paper. The postcards are free, but the entrance to the site requires subscription. It's real simple----and make a note that there is really plenty of room left over on the postcard...it's real efficient."

I was stunned. To think that such a backward fishing village could be so far ahead of everybody else.

"When the boys shop"=== the forgotten song---FICTION

Well the long Christmas season is coming to an end==and just in the last few days before Christmas, I have been working for an online retailer, and have been getting those calls from the guys looking for a little something for the wife, or significant other. In fact...all across America it seems that guys are wandering around the malls seeking ideas for a gift for that special someone....

What has been a little embarassing is that I recognize in those desparate shoppers a little of myself of earlier years...and if the truth be told after checking with my family, even I have not made much progress in this regard....

I just wondered how it all went up in Normal, Mn., where guys were guys, focused on the big fish and ice fishing, and I wondered how they fit in Christmas shopping midst all the fishing contests. ...I just picked up the phone and gave my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer a call...he should know.

Herman just laughed.

"Wolfman (thats what he always called me} every true fisherman knows the rule of the fuzzy nightgown---every year, rather than fuss and blunder over the last minute gift for the wife....just give her a fuzzy nightgown...or negligee and alternate every year....trust me...it works wonders. Do not get creative or confused. Just follow the plan."

So there it is. Herman is a lawyer...he should know. Guys...do not get creative...just follow the plan and you will be a happy man....

"Snow Busts Budget for 99th Straight Year"---FICTION: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it has been pretty stressful---fighting the snow plus the ice and the hazardous snow conditions made worse maybe by the poor plowing in certain municipalities---it seems that these snow conditions---coming at the very time that the celebrated city leaders were heading to city hall to vote for millions in TIF funding for a large hotel enterprise----well the whole thing is being touted in the press as a complete budget buster...a budget surprise.....I just wondered...

I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn., who just then was ice fishing up in Normal, Mn---I wondered how the northern tundra handled those snow expenses.

When I blurted it out---about how the mayor even admitted responsibility for the bad storm handling and all, Herman just laughed:

"Shucks Wolfman( thats what he always called me) don't ya just wonder how snow expenses could be such a surprise for the 99th straight year. What is the problem...maybe memory?

Up here in Normal, Mn., we place a tax on all liquor---and hold it in a separate trust fund---we have found that in crisis snow times, folks drink evenmore, and thus the fund has risen and fallen with the snow...it just works out. We don't call it a booze tax---it's called the snow tax---and everybody is for it...after all, if nobody can drive...that is bad for business....folks get it up here...and the worst thing is if folks cannot shop at Christmas..."

Thanks Herman.

" Expand or start a War---Get a Nobel Peace Price"---Fiction: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it has been a little disconcerting----listening to all the hubub about the President getting the Nobel Peace Prize just as he is announcing an expansion of the Afganistan War, all upon the recommendation of the very general that covered up the death of Mr Tillman----loyal general, but not showing a real long history of truthfulness. The real guy that should have gotten the peace prize was Tillman.

Upset....I spent a long drive up to Normal, Mn., where on Friday night late, in the midst of the second set of a moody blues band, asked Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend, what to make of PEACE these days.

Herman paused:

"Shucks, Wolfman, now is not the time to be bewildered. Those Nobel peace prizes have always gone to the warlords...after all, that is why even the drones are called "PREDATOR" drones. It is about being a PREDATOR. It would be nice to see some PEACEMAKER drones---and even a few drones to protect the skies over the US would be nice. Remember 911---ya did not see any TOP GUN types in the air on that famous day---no they were too busy on foreign R and R to take the time to defend the homeland."

I was a little shocked by the words of Herman. But then I had to reflect. I did always love the movie TOP GUN....but come to think of it,...never did see any of those famous flyers defending the homeland....it was always about those foreign shores.....