The Evansville Observer staff is meeting in executive session sometime this weekend to consider the requests of citizens of other communities for local news coverage that will be similar to Evansville.
These solicitations of interest have been most gratififying. Citizens have requested neither beer, bait, ammo, nor sports stories, but .....heaven forbid....just local news with colorful video and audio.
A lucrative architectual study is not necessary.
No HVAC and plumbing analysis is anticipated.
No seven year time delay is anticipated.
No bricks are required.
Action is anticipated shortly.
Stay tuned.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Phonebooth"-Fiction
The classic story of how Normal, Minnesota complied with the "Open meeting law" by creatively integrating "The Art of War" with "The Rules of Civil Procedure" by Billy Bob.
"The Phonebooth Meeting"------Fiction
(Ed. note. These tales can also be found on Itunes and can be downloaded free to your Ipod for your listening pleasure.)
Well ....it has been real hectic lately here in Evansville....with the school board election primary and all....and I was ready after the primary to just head out of town for a break. Yes. It is hard to believe. Sometimes one can just get too much of all those coffee klotches and Eagles meetings. Sometimes it is so right to just have a moment to commune with nature---.
After that long and winding road up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities, I settled in at the Spruce
Goose Motel, where all the comforters are premium down, and where all the beds pull down from the wall...and where there is always a mini dove bar in the ash tray to give a little hint of upscale country.
I headed over to the coffee shop to met my old friend, Herman, the country boy lawyer, who was also on the Normal School Board. I had spent a long time thinking on the drive and wasted no time in getting to the point.
"Herman," I asked, "How do you handle all those controversial meetings up here in Normal? In Evansville, we seem to have all of them in packed conference rooms with a capacity of 10. With 25 crammed in to the room, one can hardly breathe, must less ask questions."
"Shucks Wolfman", ( That's what he always called me) a conference room that seats 10 is HUGE compared to up here in Normal. That is the lap of luxury. Here we have the meetings in phone booths."
"Phone booths?" I replied in a shocked voice.
"How can that be?"
Herman went on. " I am a lawyer, Wolfman. Yes it is important to have "open" meetings, but there ain't no rule that they have to be BIG meetings---- Unless of course they are a BIG or "Building Improvement Grant meetings---then they are inherently big.
"Up here we just have the meeting and welcome everyone. Then we have the meeting in the local PHONE BOOTH. The chairman gets to sit in the chair of the phone booth, and then we just all kinda gather around."
"Wherever did you learn this technique," I asked.
"It's real simple, Wolfman. Years ago during law school, I was reading the "Art of War" and "The Rules of Civil Procedure" by Billy Bob---- that was always my favorite. I found Prosser on Torts to be very boring. Billy Bob had a real entertaining way of writing. Anyway.....I realized how to bring the two texts together in a creative way. The "Phonebooth meeting" was born. What could be MORE open. The guys just love it. Huddled around the booth with their architectual drawings and all. Real cozy.
Well. I could see that Herman was not going to be helpful. I just got in the car and headed back to good old Wisconsin....Where we have meetings in spacious rooms....where folks do not just gather around a semi-circle and hide their architectual drawings ....... Where we have meetings in large rooms with audio and video capability.
Alleluia.
Well ....it has been real hectic lately here in Evansville....with the school board election primary and all....and I was ready after the primary to just head out of town for a break. Yes. It is hard to believe. Sometimes one can just get too much of all those coffee klotches and Eagles meetings. Sometimes it is so right to just have a moment to commune with nature---.
After that long and winding road up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities, I settled in at the Spruce
Goose Motel, where all the comforters are premium down, and where all the beds pull down from the wall...and where there is always a mini dove bar in the ash tray to give a little hint of upscale country.
I headed over to the coffee shop to met my old friend, Herman, the country boy lawyer, who was also on the Normal School Board. I had spent a long time thinking on the drive and wasted no time in getting to the point.
"Herman," I asked, "How do you handle all those controversial meetings up here in Normal? In Evansville, we seem to have all of them in packed conference rooms with a capacity of 10. With 25 crammed in to the room, one can hardly breathe, must less ask questions."
"Shucks Wolfman", ( That's what he always called me) a conference room that seats 10 is HUGE compared to up here in Normal. That is the lap of luxury. Here we have the meetings in phone booths."
"Phone booths?" I replied in a shocked voice.
"How can that be?"
Herman went on. " I am a lawyer, Wolfman. Yes it is important to have "open" meetings, but there ain't no rule that they have to be BIG meetings---- Unless of course they are a BIG or "Building Improvement Grant meetings---then they are inherently big.
"Up here we just have the meeting and welcome everyone. Then we have the meeting in the local PHONE BOOTH. The chairman gets to sit in the chair of the phone booth, and then we just all kinda gather around."
"Wherever did you learn this technique," I asked.
"It's real simple, Wolfman. Years ago during law school, I was reading the "Art of War" and "The Rules of Civil Procedure" by Billy Bob---- that was always my favorite. I found Prosser on Torts to be very boring. Billy Bob had a real entertaining way of writing. Anyway.....I realized how to bring the two texts together in a creative way. The "Phonebooth meeting" was born. What could be MORE open. The guys just love it. Huddled around the booth with their architectual drawings and all. Real cozy.
Well. I could see that Herman was not going to be helpful. I just got in the car and headed back to good old Wisconsin....Where we have meetings in spacious rooms....where folks do not just gather around a semi-circle and hide their architectual drawings ....... Where we have meetings in large rooms with audio and video capability.
Alleluia.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Catalog Caper"---Fiction
FICTION
(Ed.note. This is one of a long series of fictional tales from the Land of Normal, Mn., just west of the Land of Lake Woebegon and south of Garrison, Mn. They are available for download from the Observer (right click the mp3 icon) and are also available FREE on the Itunes store. Any resemblance between these tales and reality is purely accidental.)
With the pace of everything picking up here, the election, the roadwork, the restoration, I thought I would just kick back and head out of town for a little R & R. Up that long winding road, Hwy 10 up north of the Twin Cities, to my favorite getaway---- Normal, Mn..
After checking in at the Spruce Goose Motel, where all the comforters are down, and all the walls have stuffed game, I headed over to the local diner for my usual coffee, lots of sugar and whipped cream, to chat with my old friend Herman, the country boy lawyer, and member of the Normal School Board.I reflected to Herman that I just could not understand how he and the whole town of Normal seemed to be so calm and all, whereas, I seemed to be caught in a flurry of change. And to be more specific, I mentioned that whereas we seemed to be in a flurry of change in schools in Wisconsin, he seemed to be the picture of tranquility up there in Normal.
"How do you achieve such perfect tranquility up here, Herman?, I asked.
"I understand how you feel, Wolfman. Some of my best friends down in the big Cities feel the same way. I used to feel that way until I went through the "big change."
"What BIG CHANGE?" I asked.
"Well," Herman went on, " years ago at the Normal School District, there was lots of stress and all. It was real exhausting. Then, one December, Louise, the administrative secretary for the Normal School system, was in the process of ordering the course catalog. The usual order was 250.""Well, to make a long story short, she made a slight decimal point error, and ordered 25,000 catalogs. Yes, the local printer was her boyfriend, but.....well...it was a real prediciment.""In the end, we all recognized that this was the Lord's will. To waste would be unthinkable. So, for the past 10 years we have made not one change in the course offering.
""What does the School Board talk about then, Herman?"
"We go over all the options, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) a real democratic process and all, with lots of tolerance to difference in feelings and such, but ......in the end.....nothing changes."Over time we have grown to love the peace. Love the stability. Love the nothing ever changing. It's become the natural law up here in God's country."
I was just speechless. "You mean that everything----all the decisions are driven by the catalog order error?"
"Yup," Herman replied.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we have school boards that make decisions on course offerings and where the catalogs are printed after the decisions.... and not before. Where our peace of mind is based on something else....anything else....rather than an ordering error. Alleluia.
(Ed.note. This is one of a long series of fictional tales from the Land of Normal, Mn., just west of the Land of Lake Woebegon and south of Garrison, Mn. They are available for download from the Observer (right click the mp3 icon) and are also available FREE on the Itunes store. Any resemblance between these tales and reality is purely accidental.)
With the pace of everything picking up here, the election, the roadwork, the restoration, I thought I would just kick back and head out of town for a little R & R. Up that long winding road, Hwy 10 up north of the Twin Cities, to my favorite getaway---- Normal, Mn..
After checking in at the Spruce Goose Motel, where all the comforters are down, and all the walls have stuffed game, I headed over to the local diner for my usual coffee, lots of sugar and whipped cream, to chat with my old friend Herman, the country boy lawyer, and member of the Normal School Board.I reflected to Herman that I just could not understand how he and the whole town of Normal seemed to be so calm and all, whereas, I seemed to be caught in a flurry of change. And to be more specific, I mentioned that whereas we seemed to be in a flurry of change in schools in Wisconsin, he seemed to be the picture of tranquility up there in Normal.
"How do you achieve such perfect tranquility up here, Herman?, I asked.
"I understand how you feel, Wolfman. Some of my best friends down in the big Cities feel the same way. I used to feel that way until I went through the "big change."
"What BIG CHANGE?" I asked.
"Well," Herman went on, " years ago at the Normal School District, there was lots of stress and all. It was real exhausting. Then, one December, Louise, the administrative secretary for the Normal School system, was in the process of ordering the course catalog. The usual order was 250.""Well, to make a long story short, she made a slight decimal point error, and ordered 25,000 catalogs. Yes, the local printer was her boyfriend, but.....well...it was a real prediciment.""In the end, we all recognized that this was the Lord's will. To waste would be unthinkable. So, for the past 10 years we have made not one change in the course offering.
""What does the School Board talk about then, Herman?"
"We go over all the options, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) a real democratic process and all, with lots of tolerance to difference in feelings and such, but ......in the end.....nothing changes."Over time we have grown to love the peace. Love the stability. Love the nothing ever changing. It's become the natural law up here in God's country."
I was just speechless. "You mean that everything----all the decisions are driven by the catalog order error?"
"Yup," Herman replied.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we have school boards that make decisions on course offerings and where the catalogs are printed after the decisions.... and not before. Where our peace of mind is based on something else....anything else....rather than an ordering error. Alleluia.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Dateline Normal: "Shared Governance"
A short tale of shared governance from Normal, Mn. "Can't we all be in charge"
Dateline Normal: "Superbowl Punk"
A classic tale from Normal, Mn., on "Superbowl Punk," the classic 1985 Chicago Bears and the global impact of punk on financial affairs, and even on the Normal School District
Dateline Normal School District: "The Marathon Man"--Fiction
(Ed. Note. This is one of a long series of tales from the land of Normal, Mn., just west of the Land of Lake Woebegon and south of Garrison, Mn. Any resemblence between these tales and reality is purely an accident. These tales are available from ITunes in the comedy section under "Tales from Normal" and also can be downloaded from the Observer site. When shipped in CD format, they are shipped in a brown paper wrapper clearly marked "FICTION." )
It has been quite a hectic week here with the pace of the school board election picking up, so I decided to brave the cold of Northern Minn and head up HWY 10 to my favorite town, Normal, Mn.. The roads were pretty slick, but after I stopped at Osseo at the Norske Nook cafe and had a little of their good home cooking, I was powered up for the long drive.
I got to Normal and quickly checked in at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel with all goose down comforters, and a trophy game on every wall, and where you get a little mini-dove bar in the ash tray as a little up-scale treat.
I headed over to the local diner and met up with Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend. I remarked to Herman that the drive had just been very tiring, with the weather and all. I asked him what he had been up to."Well," Herman smiled, " I have been gettin in shape with some marathon training. It is REQUIRED if you are on the school board in NORMAL. It looks like you might benefit from some fitness training, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), cause ya really need it."
" I just don't see what marathon training has to do with serving the public on the school board," I said.
"Just wait and see," Herman replied.
"Up here in God's country, It's just survival of the fittest. Our leaders on the school board schedule marathon meetings that can last as long as 12 hours. Only the very fittest can survive to vote on the finance matters at the very end of the meeting. "
"How could they last 12 hours," I asked.
"Well, it is real tough to cut off the sharing that folks want to enlighten the board with. In fact, it is the real plan to wear down the opposition till only a minimum of board members is still not sleeping in their chairs. Then the approval of bills and the motion to adjourn are lumped in one final motion."
"You mean the meeting is not adjourned till the bills are approved as presented.""Yup," Herman said. "It is sheer moxie.""So, I have been in marathon training so I can say awake longer without takin any of that no doze stuff. "
I was pretty tired just thinking about those long meetings. I headed out early to head back to good Old Wisconsin----where we don't have to be marathon athletes to compete for the school boards. Where the bills are a separate motion from the motion to adjourn....and where meetings are not deliberately lengthened to avoid unpleasant topics at the very end.Alleluia.
posted by Evansville Observer @ 8:57 PM 0 comments
It has been quite a hectic week here with the pace of the school board election picking up, so I decided to brave the cold of Northern Minn and head up HWY 10 to my favorite town, Normal, Mn.. The roads were pretty slick, but after I stopped at Osseo at the Norske Nook cafe and had a little of their good home cooking, I was powered up for the long drive.
I got to Normal and quickly checked in at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel with all goose down comforters, and a trophy game on every wall, and where you get a little mini-dove bar in the ash tray as a little up-scale treat.
I headed over to the local diner and met up with Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend. I remarked to Herman that the drive had just been very tiring, with the weather and all. I asked him what he had been up to."Well," Herman smiled, " I have been gettin in shape with some marathon training. It is REQUIRED if you are on the school board in NORMAL. It looks like you might benefit from some fitness training, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), cause ya really need it."
" I just don't see what marathon training has to do with serving the public on the school board," I said.
"Just wait and see," Herman replied.
"Up here in God's country, It's just survival of the fittest. Our leaders on the school board schedule marathon meetings that can last as long as 12 hours. Only the very fittest can survive to vote on the finance matters at the very end of the meeting. "
"How could they last 12 hours," I asked.
"Well, it is real tough to cut off the sharing that folks want to enlighten the board with. In fact, it is the real plan to wear down the opposition till only a minimum of board members is still not sleeping in their chairs. Then the approval of bills and the motion to adjourn are lumped in one final motion."
"You mean the meeting is not adjourned till the bills are approved as presented.""Yup," Herman said. "It is sheer moxie.""So, I have been in marathon training so I can say awake longer without takin any of that no doze stuff. "
I was pretty tired just thinking about those long meetings. I headed out early to head back to good Old Wisconsin----where we don't have to be marathon athletes to compete for the school boards. Where the bills are a separate motion from the motion to adjourn....and where meetings are not deliberately lengthened to avoid unpleasant topics at the very end.Alleluia.
posted by Evansville Observer @ 8:57 PM 0 comments
Dateline Normal: -----"Twisting By the Pool"--Fiction
(Ed.note. This is one of a long series of tales about a town in Northern Minnesota, just south of Garrison and west of the Land of Lake Woebegon. These tales are available for FREE from the Itunes store and can be downloaded for your mp3 player from the Observer (click on the mp3 icon). When they are mailed via cd, they are wrapped in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked FICTION.)
With all the stress of the school board race building, the coffee and tea parties, the meeting voters and, yes, even kissing babies, that make up the very essence of every political campaign, I felt it necessary to head on out of town for the weekend.
There was a slight problem with a car however. My wife needed ours, so I made a very rare move---I rented a car. After all, one of our family friends worked at a Nissan dealership, so I asked for a rental----- loaded with all the extras.I downloaded from The Observer web site the Plunkett Raysich audio, as well as some of the other audio minutes of school board meetings. It would be a long drive...but then it would be kinda doing my homework in preparation for the big SCHOOL BOARD CANDIDATE FORUM------- happening on February 3rd, at 10:00 AM sharp at the EHS media room, where all the school board candidates would square off to answer questions. Just the chance to appear in the same room with the legendary "Grumps", the famous politico blogger, was a real thrill.
I was cruising along just this side of Osseo, when the soft voice from the navigation system said, " Warm blueberry muffins are now on special at the "Norske Nook" just a mile off the interstate at the next exit. The muffins will be out of the oven in 4 minutes just in time for your eating pleasure."
I immediately turned on my blinker. Boy. That was pretty impressive. I am just helpless when it comes to blueberry muffins. And the timing was just perfect. I had not bargained for this navigation feature when I asked for a Nissan "loaded." I did like it though. After I had a great breakfast at the Norske Nook, the rest of the trip was pretty routine.
Yes, the colder weather met me at the border, but I adjusted nicely. As I cruised into Normal, I headed immediately to the Hideaway Lounge, where Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend was waiting for me. He had called me on the cell phone and said that a special rock and roll band was playing, and even though there was a cover charge, they were well worth it.
As I entered the lounge, I heard one of my favorite songs, "Twisting by the Pool." It was one of the "Traveling Wilburies" tracks and I especially liked it cause Roy Orbison sang with the group. I mentioned to Herman that "Twisting by the Pool" was one of my favorite songs. Over the loud music he agreed. "Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me), this town has never been the same since the Traveling Wilburies came here in person a decade ago."
"Whatever do you mean, Herman?," I asked.
"Well," he went on, "It was one of the coldest winters in memory up here, and everyone in town was here at the lounge that night. After hearing the song "Twisting by the Pool," everyone was just TOTALLY sold. We just HAD to have a pool------ right NOW.
The rest is just history."
"What happened next?," I asked.
"Well, the seniors had been saving for 20 years for a senior center, but when they heard that song.....that was a REAL deal breaker. They made the decision in "closed executive session"---after all, it was concerning acquisition of property etc......." and after all, they were all here at the lounge....they had a quorum....even though most had been drinking most of the night....---they made the decision to build a pool, and leave the senior center to be built right next door ---LATER."
I just do not get it, Herman." What could be the problem. It sounds pretty good to me., I said. After all, I was on my second round, and after a couple of drinks, a little pooling sounded pretty great to me.
"The seniors built their pool. And the city got so excited that they built one too. In fact, EVERYONE was so excited---even the BOY SCOUTS built a pool! The excitement was real catchy."
"What's the problem?" I asked. It seems you were" building it so that they could come."
Then Herman went on. "Well, Wolfman. Here is the problem.
In the summer, with all the fishing and all, the population surges to 2000 folks or so. But in the winter......it dwindles to .......42. Needless to say, we have plenty of space for everyone.
"Whatever happened to the Senior Center?" I asked.
"It was never built," Herman replied. In fact, that is one subject that is never mentioned up here. Not even with a whisper. In fact the city fathers have outlawed talking about it."Now we have all our meetings at the pool.
It is very nice. Very warm. Real downhome. And there is nothing like talking about finances right in the middle of water aerobics. There is a starbucks poolside so it is real upscale and all."
You mean you have all civic meetings IN the pool?"
"Yes," Herman replied.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we discuss finances in regular meetings and not during water aerobics. Where everyone can share our large civic venues and not each civic entity have a separate pool of its own. And where our seniors build a senior center they can afford and not a pool and nothing else.I do have to admit it has been an adjustment though. Each time I attend a finance committee meeting, I just wonder how it might all look if the meeting was in a pool.
A serious examination of the civic process in Normal, Mn. , where all business is conducted in the local pool.MP3 File
posted by Evansville Observer @ 9:28 AM 0 comments
With all the stress of the school board race building, the coffee and tea parties, the meeting voters and, yes, even kissing babies, that make up the very essence of every political campaign, I felt it necessary to head on out of town for the weekend.
There was a slight problem with a car however. My wife needed ours, so I made a very rare move---I rented a car. After all, one of our family friends worked at a Nissan dealership, so I asked for a rental----- loaded with all the extras.I downloaded from The Observer web site the Plunkett Raysich audio, as well as some of the other audio minutes of school board meetings. It would be a long drive...but then it would be kinda doing my homework in preparation for the big SCHOOL BOARD CANDIDATE FORUM------- happening on February 3rd, at 10:00 AM sharp at the EHS media room, where all the school board candidates would square off to answer questions. Just the chance to appear in the same room with the legendary "Grumps", the famous politico blogger, was a real thrill.
I was cruising along just this side of Osseo, when the soft voice from the navigation system said, " Warm blueberry muffins are now on special at the "Norske Nook" just a mile off the interstate at the next exit. The muffins will be out of the oven in 4 minutes just in time for your eating pleasure."
I immediately turned on my blinker. Boy. That was pretty impressive. I am just helpless when it comes to blueberry muffins. And the timing was just perfect. I had not bargained for this navigation feature when I asked for a Nissan "loaded." I did like it though. After I had a great breakfast at the Norske Nook, the rest of the trip was pretty routine.
Yes, the colder weather met me at the border, but I adjusted nicely. As I cruised into Normal, I headed immediately to the Hideaway Lounge, where Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend was waiting for me. He had called me on the cell phone and said that a special rock and roll band was playing, and even though there was a cover charge, they were well worth it.
As I entered the lounge, I heard one of my favorite songs, "Twisting by the Pool." It was one of the "Traveling Wilburies" tracks and I especially liked it cause Roy Orbison sang with the group. I mentioned to Herman that "Twisting by the Pool" was one of my favorite songs. Over the loud music he agreed. "Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me), this town has never been the same since the Traveling Wilburies came here in person a decade ago."
"Whatever do you mean, Herman?," I asked.
"Well," he went on, "It was one of the coldest winters in memory up here, and everyone in town was here at the lounge that night. After hearing the song "Twisting by the Pool," everyone was just TOTALLY sold. We just HAD to have a pool------ right NOW.
The rest is just history."
"What happened next?," I asked.
"Well, the seniors had been saving for 20 years for a senior center, but when they heard that song.....that was a REAL deal breaker. They made the decision in "closed executive session"---after all, it was concerning acquisition of property etc......." and after all, they were all here at the lounge....they had a quorum....even though most had been drinking most of the night....---they made the decision to build a pool, and leave the senior center to be built right next door ---LATER."
I just do not get it, Herman." What could be the problem. It sounds pretty good to me., I said. After all, I was on my second round, and after a couple of drinks, a little pooling sounded pretty great to me.
"The seniors built their pool. And the city got so excited that they built one too. In fact, EVERYONE was so excited---even the BOY SCOUTS built a pool! The excitement was real catchy."
"What's the problem?" I asked. It seems you were" building it so that they could come."
Then Herman went on. "Well, Wolfman. Here is the problem.
In the summer, with all the fishing and all, the population surges to 2000 folks or so. But in the winter......it dwindles to .......42. Needless to say, we have plenty of space for everyone.
"Whatever happened to the Senior Center?" I asked.
"It was never built," Herman replied. In fact, that is one subject that is never mentioned up here. Not even with a whisper. In fact the city fathers have outlawed talking about it."Now we have all our meetings at the pool.
It is very nice. Very warm. Real downhome. And there is nothing like talking about finances right in the middle of water aerobics. There is a starbucks poolside so it is real upscale and all."
You mean you have all civic meetings IN the pool?"
"Yes," Herman replied.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we discuss finances in regular meetings and not during water aerobics. Where everyone can share our large civic venues and not each civic entity have a separate pool of its own. And where our seniors build a senior center they can afford and not a pool and nothing else.I do have to admit it has been an adjustment though. Each time I attend a finance committee meeting, I just wonder how it might all look if the meeting was in a pool.
A serious examination of the civic process in Normal, Mn. , where all business is conducted in the local pool.MP3 File
posted by Evansville Observer @ 9:28 AM 0 comments
Dateline Normal: The Candidate Forum---Fiction
(Ed. note: This is one of a long series of tales from the land of Normal, Mn., up just south of Garrison, Mn., and west of the Land of Lake Woebegon. It is not on the Google Earth map, but then neither is Evansville. These tales are on ITunes for FREE and can also be downloaded from this site onto your Ipod. When shipped on cd, they are shipped in a brown paper wrapper clearly marked FICTION.)
This week, with the cold weather alert and all, I thought I would just call Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn., rather than making the long trip. It would save lots of time, and besides, I had called for reservations at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel in Normal where the premium down comforters were standard. All the rooms were taken. They were fully rented all weekend. In the midgst of the cold spell.
"What's goin on up there, Herman? I asked."It's real simple, Wolfman, Herman replied. "It is Candidate Forum Weekend up here in Normal."
"Tell me more. I still do not understand, " I replied.
"Well---we are deeply committed to democracy up here. Our community has over 20 school board candidates. In fact,....we recruit candidates.
We have a pre-function at the Hideaway Lounge on Friday night, the Forum on Saturday morn, along with the bake sale, and then the ice fishing contest all day Sunday.
"Why would you recruit candidates?, I asked.
"It's real simple, Herman replied. Each year we have a candidate forum bake sale on Saturday morn. The proceeds from this event are the main source of revenue for the Daughters of the American Constitituion, the big political social group up here. All the ladies belong. In order to ensure that we have enough attendance at the bake sale, folks are actually recruited to run for office so that their relatives will all come to the candidate forum---which is held on Saturday morning DURING the bake sale."
"During the bake sale?", I asked."Yes," Herman went on."We begin the candidate forum and break for intermission. Then when ALL the baked goods are sold we resume the rest of the program. Sometimes it takes ALL DAY till all the baked goods are sold. "
"Do you mean that the candidates are held hostage to the baked goods?""I never thought of it that way, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) In the format of the forum, each candidate is asked why he/she is running for school board. Most say in a loud confident voice that they are running to ensure the success of the bake sale. The crowd goes wild. They just love the loyalty of them folks." "Then, right after all the baked goods are sold, the candidates that are just running for the bake sale success can withdraw--but not before. It's a real firm rule."
I was just stunned. You mean that candidates just run to raise the attendance at the forum in Normal. And some withdraw after the baked goods are sold?"
"Exactly" Herman replied. "In fact, Wolfman, you might consider trying that format in your town."The battery on my cell phone was starting to run low, so I had to get off the line.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin.
Where we don't just hold candiate forums for baked goods revenue.
Where candidates are serious and do not just withdraw after the baked goods are sold.
Still. I could understand why someone that was just running for the baked goods might want to withdraw. In fact. I had to agree with Herman. It might be best.
posted by Evansville Observer @ 6:52 AM
This week, with the cold weather alert and all, I thought I would just call Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn., rather than making the long trip. It would save lots of time, and besides, I had called for reservations at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel in Normal where the premium down comforters were standard. All the rooms were taken. They were fully rented all weekend. In the midgst of the cold spell.
"What's goin on up there, Herman? I asked."It's real simple, Wolfman, Herman replied. "It is Candidate Forum Weekend up here in Normal."
"Tell me more. I still do not understand, " I replied.
"Well---we are deeply committed to democracy up here. Our community has over 20 school board candidates. In fact,....we recruit candidates.
We have a pre-function at the Hideaway Lounge on Friday night, the Forum on Saturday morn, along with the bake sale, and then the ice fishing contest all day Sunday.
"Why would you recruit candidates?, I asked.
"It's real simple, Herman replied. Each year we have a candidate forum bake sale on Saturday morn. The proceeds from this event are the main source of revenue for the Daughters of the American Constitituion, the big political social group up here. All the ladies belong. In order to ensure that we have enough attendance at the bake sale, folks are actually recruited to run for office so that their relatives will all come to the candidate forum---which is held on Saturday morning DURING the bake sale."
"During the bake sale?", I asked."Yes," Herman went on."We begin the candidate forum and break for intermission. Then when ALL the baked goods are sold we resume the rest of the program. Sometimes it takes ALL DAY till all the baked goods are sold. "
"Do you mean that the candidates are held hostage to the baked goods?""I never thought of it that way, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) In the format of the forum, each candidate is asked why he/she is running for school board. Most say in a loud confident voice that they are running to ensure the success of the bake sale. The crowd goes wild. They just love the loyalty of them folks." "Then, right after all the baked goods are sold, the candidates that are just running for the bake sale success can withdraw--but not before. It's a real firm rule."
I was just stunned. You mean that candidates just run to raise the attendance at the forum in Normal. And some withdraw after the baked goods are sold?"
"Exactly" Herman replied. "In fact, Wolfman, you might consider trying that format in your town."The battery on my cell phone was starting to run low, so I had to get off the line.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin.
Where we don't just hold candiate forums for baked goods revenue.
Where candidates are serious and do not just withdraw after the baked goods are sold.
Still. I could understand why someone that was just running for the baked goods might want to withdraw. In fact. I had to agree with Herman. It might be best.
posted by Evansville Observer @ 6:52 AM
Dateline Normal: WWW Wrestling comes to Normal
(Ed. note. This is one of a long series of fiction.)
As I slowed down at the city limits of Normal, Mn., a small fishing village just south of Garrison, and west of Lake Woebegon, I just looked up and sure enough---across the street---Main Street---was the banner in large red letters on white background that proclaimed----"Welcome WWW----World Wrestling Federation. "
I thought I knew wrestling. After all, the Blue Devils had some great wrestling teams. How could these dudes in the northern tundra teach me anything once I had seen Big Blue in action.
After a quick cocktail at the Hideway Lounge where I met Herman, we headed over to the gym where the big doins were bein held. I could hear the loud music a block away. As I entered the dimly lit auditorium, filled with a haze of smoke, I noticed the spotlights and the sound of the announcer heralding the entrance of "Gentleman Jim." "WOW", I exclaimed to Herman. " This sure is different from high school wrestling. "
"This is the BIG TIME," Herman exclaimed. "These are PROS."Just then a guy with a feather boa came down the entrance ramp. It was none other than 'Jesse "the body" Ventura, the former governor of Minnesota, and a still active wrestler on the pro circuit. He and "Gentleman Jim" were taking on "The Crusher" and the "Deadly Dude"----a real dark haired tall dude.
"Pro Wrestling is a combination of Theatre, Violence and Psychodrama" Herman explained to me. It is all about good and evil. In fact, it is all about following ones lines. The guy that does not follow the script can get hurt.""I do not understand, Herman. I just cannot imagine the combination of violence and psychodrama. How can this be?, I asked.
"It is real simple Wolfman. Out of the frustrations of real life, folks just assume another identity for wrestling purposes. It is REAL drama. Now take that "Gentleman Jim" dude. He is a lawyer from Bemidji. Not too good on his feet though. Got a C in Civil Procedure back in Law School. Lost it in the "Thrust and Parries.""Whatever are you talking about?", I asked.
"Well," It's real simple. The thrusts and parries are part of Civil Procedure and Statuetory Construction. "Gentleman Jim" never was too fast with the counter, and....well....he just turned to wrestling.....out of frustration. Still....as you can see....he is still slow on his feet. This should be no contest."
"The real talent is "Jesse Ventura"----he has real acting ability. Just when you think he is about to make a point,,....he distracts you with the feather boa. That is real acting skill."
Then there were all the nice little old ladies at the edge of the ring. They were pretty quiet till the match began. Then as things heated up, and there was a violent tag team switch, the little ladies just rose and started screaming all at once, " KILL em Gentleman Jim," .....xxxxxxxx"
What a shock. Such violent emotion from the supportive crowd in the front seats. It was just like politics, I thought.
Wow. After a night of all that screaming and such, I had a fitfull sleep. I kept hearing the ladies in the upper seats screaming for blood. So. I just checked out early from the Spruce Goose Motel and headed back to good old Wisconsin. Where we don't have any contests with the screaming ladies in the upper bleachers yelling for blood. Where we never combine psychology and drama. And where most of the violence is in the dart games in bars and such.Sure is good to be back home.
posted by Evansville Observer @ 7:29 PM 0 comments
As I slowed down at the city limits of Normal, Mn., a small fishing village just south of Garrison, and west of Lake Woebegon, I just looked up and sure enough---across the street---Main Street---was the banner in large red letters on white background that proclaimed----"Welcome WWW----World Wrestling Federation. "
I thought I knew wrestling. After all, the Blue Devils had some great wrestling teams. How could these dudes in the northern tundra teach me anything once I had seen Big Blue in action.
After a quick cocktail at the Hideway Lounge where I met Herman, we headed over to the gym where the big doins were bein held. I could hear the loud music a block away. As I entered the dimly lit auditorium, filled with a haze of smoke, I noticed the spotlights and the sound of the announcer heralding the entrance of "Gentleman Jim." "WOW", I exclaimed to Herman. " This sure is different from high school wrestling. "
"This is the BIG TIME," Herman exclaimed. "These are PROS."Just then a guy with a feather boa came down the entrance ramp. It was none other than 'Jesse "the body" Ventura, the former governor of Minnesota, and a still active wrestler on the pro circuit. He and "Gentleman Jim" were taking on "The Crusher" and the "Deadly Dude"----a real dark haired tall dude.
"Pro Wrestling is a combination of Theatre, Violence and Psychodrama" Herman explained to me. It is all about good and evil. In fact, it is all about following ones lines. The guy that does not follow the script can get hurt.""I do not understand, Herman. I just cannot imagine the combination of violence and psychodrama. How can this be?, I asked.
"It is real simple Wolfman. Out of the frustrations of real life, folks just assume another identity for wrestling purposes. It is REAL drama. Now take that "Gentleman Jim" dude. He is a lawyer from Bemidji. Not too good on his feet though. Got a C in Civil Procedure back in Law School. Lost it in the "Thrust and Parries.""Whatever are you talking about?", I asked.
"Well," It's real simple. The thrusts and parries are part of Civil Procedure and Statuetory Construction. "Gentleman Jim" never was too fast with the counter, and....well....he just turned to wrestling.....out of frustration. Still....as you can see....he is still slow on his feet. This should be no contest."
"The real talent is "Jesse Ventura"----he has real acting ability. Just when you think he is about to make a point,,....he distracts you with the feather boa. That is real acting skill."
Then there were all the nice little old ladies at the edge of the ring. They were pretty quiet till the match began. Then as things heated up, and there was a violent tag team switch, the little ladies just rose and started screaming all at once, " KILL em Gentleman Jim," .....xxxxxxxx"
What a shock. Such violent emotion from the supportive crowd in the front seats. It was just like politics, I thought.
Wow. After a night of all that screaming and such, I had a fitfull sleep. I kept hearing the ladies in the upper seats screaming for blood. So. I just checked out early from the Spruce Goose Motel and headed back to good old Wisconsin. Where we don't have any contests with the screaming ladies in the upper bleachers yelling for blood. Where we never combine psychology and drama. And where most of the violence is in the dart games in bars and such.Sure is good to be back home.
posted by Evansville Observer @ 7:29 PM 0 comments
Monday, December 18, 2006
Dateline Normal: Police Squads with Kiddie Car Seats--Fiction
Dateline Normal: " Police Squads with Kiddie Car Seats"-----Fiction
(Ed. note. This is one of a series of FICTIONAL sketches from Normal, Mn., a town near the famous Lake Woebegon up near Garrison, Mn.. These sketches are available on CD and are mailed to purchasers wrapped in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked FICTION. Enjoy.)
Last week I turned the heavy Lincoln up north on Hwy 10 for a little getaway from the hussle and bussle of breaking news here in Evansville. I needed to get the little cabin in the woods ready for the winter months of the frozen tundra.Just before I entered the city limits of Normal, something unusual happened. An older black Chevy Caprice roared by me in the passing lane, and then sped on. As I slowed down to enter the city limits, I noticed the police cruiser with the flashing lights and the black Chevy with the driver spread eagle over the trunk. I did not think there was much law up there in the north country, so I was very shocked.I was also shocked at what I saw in that police cruiser.
The police officer was a real large bruiser type, which was normal for Normal, but----- in the back seat of the police cruiser was a CHILD SEAT. That totally took me by surprise.
When I slipped into my usual seat in the coffee shop, just kiddie corner from the bait shop, I asked Herman:"What's with the baby seat in the squad cars?"
"That's just Normal," he replied. Up here several years ago they intalled a full day 5k kindergarten program, and eliminated the half day option. They also of course have 4k, 3k and are considering implementing a 2K program. Up here, it's all full day. If a parent pulls the kid from school, the kid is considered "truant."
"TRUANT?" I asked in disbelief."Yup," Herman replied, "TRUANT.""Up here we take education REAL SERIOUS LIKE. We have a real strong TRUANT policy in our schools, and folks are fired if they exceed the standard truancy rate. The police are real vigalent to enforce full attendance. So---if a kid goes astray, the squads need to have the child seat.
Thanks goodness I am back in good old Wisconisn. Where we don't have baby seats in squad cars. Where we know the difference between truancy and normal livin. Alleluia.
(Ed. note. This is one of a series of FICTIONAL sketches from Normal, Mn., a town near the famous Lake Woebegon up near Garrison, Mn.. These sketches are available on CD and are mailed to purchasers wrapped in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked FICTION. Enjoy.)
Last week I turned the heavy Lincoln up north on Hwy 10 for a little getaway from the hussle and bussle of breaking news here in Evansville. I needed to get the little cabin in the woods ready for the winter months of the frozen tundra.Just before I entered the city limits of Normal, something unusual happened. An older black Chevy Caprice roared by me in the passing lane, and then sped on. As I slowed down to enter the city limits, I noticed the police cruiser with the flashing lights and the black Chevy with the driver spread eagle over the trunk. I did not think there was much law up there in the north country, so I was very shocked.I was also shocked at what I saw in that police cruiser.
The police officer was a real large bruiser type, which was normal for Normal, but----- in the back seat of the police cruiser was a CHILD SEAT. That totally took me by surprise.
When I slipped into my usual seat in the coffee shop, just kiddie corner from the bait shop, I asked Herman:"What's with the baby seat in the squad cars?"
"That's just Normal," he replied. Up here several years ago they intalled a full day 5k kindergarten program, and eliminated the half day option. They also of course have 4k, 3k and are considering implementing a 2K program. Up here, it's all full day. If a parent pulls the kid from school, the kid is considered "truant."
"TRUANT?" I asked in disbelief."Yup," Herman replied, "TRUANT.""Up here we take education REAL SERIOUS LIKE. We have a real strong TRUANT policy in our schools, and folks are fired if they exceed the standard truancy rate. The police are real vigalent to enforce full attendance. So---if a kid goes astray, the squads need to have the child seat.
Thanks goodness I am back in good old Wisconisn. Where we don't have baby seats in squad cars. Where we know the difference between truancy and normal livin. Alleluia.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Dateline Normal School District: "Reduced Lunch--the tale"--FICTION
Dateline Normal: Reduced Lunch---the tale--fiction
(Ed. note. The following is one of a long series of fictional sketches from a city up in northern Minnesota, called Normal. It is just south of Garrison. These stories are available on cd. They come in a brown paper wrapper and are clearly marked--FICTION)
It has been a real hectic week. I just felt it necessary to head on up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities, and try out the new car. It just was not that old Lincoln ride. But is was a whole lot more relaxin. I just didn't have to worry all the time about breakdowns. Maybe this year I could stay within my three AAA calls. Alleluia.
Anyway, I arrived ahead of schedule, and met Herman at the little diner. Yes, it did look a lot like the Mickey's diner in the movie, "The Prairie Home Companion." It was an old railroad car conversion thing. Right across from the Spruce Good Motel. And the coffee was so dependably good. Very rare in northern parts.
I mentioned to Herman cause he was on the Normal School Board, that I just did not understand how Normal could get the full measure of educational benefit of diversity as we know it in the larger cities of America.
"Shucks--that is real simple. Up here in God's country, we are totally diverse. It just comes with the territory."
"How could that be? I asked.
"It's real simple. Up here, we just have EVERYBODY sign up for reduced lunches. If they need some help, we just help em with the numbers."
"Even the kids that go home at 11:30AM?" I asked."Even the kids who do not eat lunch at school?"
"Yep----EVERYBODY," Herman laughed.
"It's all a matter of gettin your data sets in order. This ain't no sliderule stuff up here, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me). We just keep it real simple.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where AAA has fast response times. And where data sets are real and not just played with.
Alleluia.
(Ed. note. The following is one of a long series of fictional sketches from a city up in northern Minnesota, called Normal. It is just south of Garrison. These stories are available on cd. They come in a brown paper wrapper and are clearly marked--FICTION)
It has been a real hectic week. I just felt it necessary to head on up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities, and try out the new car. It just was not that old Lincoln ride. But is was a whole lot more relaxin. I just didn't have to worry all the time about breakdowns. Maybe this year I could stay within my three AAA calls. Alleluia.
Anyway, I arrived ahead of schedule, and met Herman at the little diner. Yes, it did look a lot like the Mickey's diner in the movie, "The Prairie Home Companion." It was an old railroad car conversion thing. Right across from the Spruce Good Motel. And the coffee was so dependably good. Very rare in northern parts.
I mentioned to Herman cause he was on the Normal School Board, that I just did not understand how Normal could get the full measure of educational benefit of diversity as we know it in the larger cities of America.
"Shucks--that is real simple. Up here in God's country, we are totally diverse. It just comes with the territory."
"How could that be? I asked.
"It's real simple. Up here, we just have EVERYBODY sign up for reduced lunches. If they need some help, we just help em with the numbers."
"Even the kids that go home at 11:30AM?" I asked."Even the kids who do not eat lunch at school?"
"Yep----EVERYBODY," Herman laughed.
"It's all a matter of gettin your data sets in order. This ain't no sliderule stuff up here, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me). We just keep it real simple.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where AAA has fast response times. And where data sets are real and not just played with.
Alleluia.
Dateline Normal: "The Saga of Control Data II"---FICTION
Dateline Normal: The Saga of Control Data II----Fiction
(Ed. note. Control Data (click on the post for the history) was a historic corporation that grew out of the cryptographers of WWII into the new computers. It had as its first employees, Seymour Cray, inventer of the Cray Computer, as well as the founder, William Norris. As a young gradeschooler, my father invested my piggybank in Control Data stock at $1. per share. Thanks, Dad. My wife also has a history with Control Data, working on the lawsuit that Control Data won against IBM that broke up the monopoly. I dedicate this story to this strong family tradition---controlling the data.)
I had been listening to all the speeches, reading all the graphs, and doing all the research surrounding the budget stuff of our locale, and got data overload----so I headed up to the Northern tundra, up Hwy 10 to my favorite town, Normal, Mn.
I met Herman, as usual, at the little railroad car diner, kiddy corner from the bait shop, the one with the colored stones on it, and settled into the leather booth seating and launched right into a very strong coffee, lots of sugar and whipped cream.
I told Herman that I had been thinking about all the good times and the days of Control Data and how it had changed Minnesota.
"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me,) I know you get sentimental about controlling the data, but up here in God's country we have a little bit of Control Data II----It's quite the scandal.
"Whatever are you talking about, Herman, I asked?
"Well, it seems that the local prison warden, Willie Schwartz, was pacing in the local prison cafeteria a few months ago. He was deeply dissatisfied with the size of his office and the general sad state of funding for projects that he loved. Most folks would have given up. Not Willie. He had the tenacity of the American Way. He had creativity. He had determination. And he loved numbers and -----yes--- controlling data.
It seems that the major problem was the data. The prison population had been very static up here in Normal County for at least a decade. That did not stop Willie. He knew all about data and how to use it. He talked to the local Normal sheriff's association, and the guys all agreed. If it was data that Willie needed----that is what they would provide."
"What possibly could they do," I asked.
"It's just real simple, Wolfman. You are just so naive an all---they had a little roundup----a real no holds barred clean up in all of the local counties. The arrest citations just soared. Everone was shocked that it could have happened up here in God's country. All those arrested folks were given some generous time for court appearances. A little compassion------- as Willie described it. The statistics on arrest were noted. They were soaring.
Then Willie got out his Applied Population Model and prepared the Willie Planning Model which showed that at the current rate of arrest, all of Normal was headed for a catastrophe in corrections. It was clear that they needed a new, large correctional facility---he wanted to call it "The Rock". The stunned voters----- deep in fear mode----- approved the referendum that was rushed through.
Then, months after the referendum, those arrested folk with the delayed appearances were seen in court. And their cases dismissed.
Willie just smiled.
"It's all about the numbers," he said. "I'm just a numbers guy."
Well. Thank goodness I'm back in good old Wisconsin. Where we don't just gather the data and make the numbers work out for our grandiose plans. Where we serve the community interest and even listen occasionally. And where we work on the freedom model and not the prison model.
(Ed. note. Control Data (click on the post for the history) was a historic corporation that grew out of the cryptographers of WWII into the new computers. It had as its first employees, Seymour Cray, inventer of the Cray Computer, as well as the founder, William Norris. As a young gradeschooler, my father invested my piggybank in Control Data stock at $1. per share. Thanks, Dad. My wife also has a history with Control Data, working on the lawsuit that Control Data won against IBM that broke up the monopoly. I dedicate this story to this strong family tradition---controlling the data.)
I had been listening to all the speeches, reading all the graphs, and doing all the research surrounding the budget stuff of our locale, and got data overload----so I headed up to the Northern tundra, up Hwy 10 to my favorite town, Normal, Mn.
I met Herman, as usual, at the little railroad car diner, kiddy corner from the bait shop, the one with the colored stones on it, and settled into the leather booth seating and launched right into a very strong coffee, lots of sugar and whipped cream.
I told Herman that I had been thinking about all the good times and the days of Control Data and how it had changed Minnesota.
"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me,) I know you get sentimental about controlling the data, but up here in God's country we have a little bit of Control Data II----It's quite the scandal.
"Whatever are you talking about, Herman, I asked?
"Well, it seems that the local prison warden, Willie Schwartz, was pacing in the local prison cafeteria a few months ago. He was deeply dissatisfied with the size of his office and the general sad state of funding for projects that he loved. Most folks would have given up. Not Willie. He had the tenacity of the American Way. He had creativity. He had determination. And he loved numbers and -----yes--- controlling data.
It seems that the major problem was the data. The prison population had been very static up here in Normal County for at least a decade. That did not stop Willie. He knew all about data and how to use it. He talked to the local Normal sheriff's association, and the guys all agreed. If it was data that Willie needed----that is what they would provide."
"What possibly could they do," I asked.
"It's just real simple, Wolfman. You are just so naive an all---they had a little roundup----a real no holds barred clean up in all of the local counties. The arrest citations just soared. Everone was shocked that it could have happened up here in God's country. All those arrested folks were given some generous time for court appearances. A little compassion------- as Willie described it. The statistics on arrest were noted. They were soaring.
Then Willie got out his Applied Population Model and prepared the Willie Planning Model which showed that at the current rate of arrest, all of Normal was headed for a catastrophe in corrections. It was clear that they needed a new, large correctional facility---he wanted to call it "The Rock". The stunned voters----- deep in fear mode----- approved the referendum that was rushed through.
Then, months after the referendum, those arrested folk with the delayed appearances were seen in court. And their cases dismissed.
Willie just smiled.
"It's all about the numbers," he said. "I'm just a numbers guy."
Well. Thank goodness I'm back in good old Wisconsin. Where we don't just gather the data and make the numbers work out for our grandiose plans. Where we serve the community interest and even listen occasionally. And where we work on the freedom model and not the prison model.
Dateline Normal School District: "Option #3---The Leaseback School"
(Ed. note. This fictional tale is one of a series about Normal, Mn., a fictional town in northern Minnesota. Any resemblance to reality is pure accident. These tales are available on cd and are clearly marked FICTION so as not to be confused with reality.)
With all the hubub of street reconstruction and ruminations of politics in Evansville recently, I felt it necessary to head the old Lincoln up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities for a little breakaway. My brother in law, Mark, had agreed to go ahead of me in his brand new Lexis, in case the tranny failed on the old Lincoln. The Lincoln seemed to love the clean air up north and performed well. What a relief.
We stopped for coffee, straight, lots of sugar and whipped cream, in the Minnesota Viking mugs at the coffee shop as we arrived in Normal, just short of Garrison. Mark was the CEO of a prominent Twin City company---he had gone to see Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate some years back, and had got the message. Plastics. Yes-- he started his own plastics business. He had done well.
I always asked Mark those intricate questions about accounting that were mysteries to me. Up here in Normal, Mn., they had gone to an innovative "leaseback school system" that provided unique taxpayer benefits and was considered a role model for America. I frankly was mystified as to how they did it.
I simply asked him, "Mark, how do these guys deliver such low cost education up here? I just do not understand!"
"Well, Wolfman (that's what he always called me). It is REAL simple. The school district builds the buildings to their specifications. Then they sell the buildings to Wal Mart, who leases them back to the district on a "full list" basis. The lease amount includes everything, staff, heat, light, transportation. ...all benefits etc. There is a "shared arrangement" of employee selection, but the bottom line is that all the employees are employees of WalMart. The State of Minnesota then allows the costs of the full lease amount as reimbursable. It is real magic.
He then went on, "The real magic is with medical benefits. There are no post employment medical benefits or anything like that. WalMart just uses Medicaid up here in God's Country. It is real simple. Anyway, it saves a cool half million dollars in post retirement benefits on an annual accrual basis."
I glanced down at Mark's coffee napkin which was spread out on the table with a diagram of how the leaseback worked.
"Shucks," I said, "how in the world can anyone understand how this works?"
"That is the whole point," Mark said. If they do catch on, we make it more complicated by making something called a "Blended leaseback," which is even worse. That really baffels them!
Then he let out a loud bellylaugh.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin, where things are straightforward, and where I can go buy some things at WalMart and not go to school there.
With all the hubub of street reconstruction and ruminations of politics in Evansville recently, I felt it necessary to head the old Lincoln up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities for a little breakaway. My brother in law, Mark, had agreed to go ahead of me in his brand new Lexis, in case the tranny failed on the old Lincoln. The Lincoln seemed to love the clean air up north and performed well. What a relief.
We stopped for coffee, straight, lots of sugar and whipped cream, in the Minnesota Viking mugs at the coffee shop as we arrived in Normal, just short of Garrison. Mark was the CEO of a prominent Twin City company---he had gone to see Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate some years back, and had got the message. Plastics. Yes-- he started his own plastics business. He had done well.
I always asked Mark those intricate questions about accounting that were mysteries to me. Up here in Normal, Mn., they had gone to an innovative "leaseback school system" that provided unique taxpayer benefits and was considered a role model for America. I frankly was mystified as to how they did it.
I simply asked him, "Mark, how do these guys deliver such low cost education up here? I just do not understand!"
"Well, Wolfman (that's what he always called me). It is REAL simple. The school district builds the buildings to their specifications. Then they sell the buildings to Wal Mart, who leases them back to the district on a "full list" basis. The lease amount includes everything, staff, heat, light, transportation. ...all benefits etc. There is a "shared arrangement" of employee selection, but the bottom line is that all the employees are employees of WalMart. The State of Minnesota then allows the costs of the full lease amount as reimbursable. It is real magic.
He then went on, "The real magic is with medical benefits. There are no post employment medical benefits or anything like that. WalMart just uses Medicaid up here in God's Country. It is real simple. Anyway, it saves a cool half million dollars in post retirement benefits on an annual accrual basis."
I glanced down at Mark's coffee napkin which was spread out on the table with a diagram of how the leaseback worked.
"Shucks," I said, "how in the world can anyone understand how this works?"
"That is the whole point," Mark said. If they do catch on, we make it more complicated by making something called a "Blended leaseback," which is even worse. That really baffels them!
Then he let out a loud bellylaugh.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin, where things are straightforward, and where I can go buy some things at WalMart and not go to school there.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Breaking; "Pinnochio" Johnson named Administrator of Normal, Mn====FICTION
Citing a need for "moxie" the Normal, Mn. common council of Normal, Mn. named "Pinnochio" Johnson administrator today, capping a 2 year search. "Pinnochio", affectionatly called "Pin" by his Notre Dame alums, was the clear hands down winner in the competition, by demonstrating an affinity to slavish obedience to any and all authority figures yet a willingness to do almost anything to succeed....an art clearly timely in Normal, Mn. ...stay tuned.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Dateline Normal School District: "The Battle of the Little Big Horn"---FICTION
Dateline Normal; The Battle of the Little Big Horn---Recap---FICTION
Well. Last weekend was a really hectic one for me. I had just purchased a new movie camera and decided to head on up that long winding road, Hwy 10, north of the Twin Cities, to my favorite little town to relax in--- Normal, Mn. Last weekend was the famous Reinactment of the Battle of the Little Big Horn---or as some know it---"Custer's Last Stand."
After a night of blissful sleep at the Spruce Goose Motel, where all the comforters are pure down, and all the walls are covered with stuffed animals, I awoke, folded the wall bed back into the wall, and headed over to the little diner to meet Herman, my countryboy lawyer friend, for my usual coffee.
Herman had written me that he had a special role for me in the reinactment. I was pretty honored that they had thought of me. I had dreamed all the way up in the car of being in the cavalry. Ah the glory.
Herman wasted no time in dismissing my illusions.
"Shucks no, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you're gettin just too old to ride a horse under these high pressure situations."
"But...But....they are such old horses, Herman. I just know I could handle it," I replied.
"Well, " Herman replied, "The truth is that we only have a handful of uniforms, and they are all 42 or smaller. You need to stay behind the camera, and leave the riding and the glory for the younger folks. And besides. Normal has minimul liability coverage, and letting you ride a horse would be "prima facie gross negligence."
I always hated it when he threw that legal stuff at me....but...I had to admit that a 42 would be too tight a fit. I suddenly saw that the camera positon might be a good one for me after all. And besides, Herman promised to help me with the directions on the camera. It would be hard to do the camera zoom on the top of a horse.
After the reinactmact was over, Herman was pretty frustrated.
"That guy Custer just never learns. I do declare. When will it dawn on him? What a waste of human life."
I tried to explain: "Herman---this is a reinactment---it never will change!!!!!"
Then I realized that the beautiful girl that played Custer's wife had caught Herman's eye. If it had been Herman, I think the battle would never have been fought. Amen.
After it was all over. Herman spoke in a loud voice to all the actors------"Well done all. And remember----be real kind to your horses. And more important----SAVE the AMMO. I don't want any wild shooting or celebrating. Ya never know when we might need that ammo."
Two big lessons emerged from the battle. Always save the ammo. And..... Always wait for the cavalry.... expecially the cavalry with the t.v. cameras.
Amen
Well. Last weekend was a really hectic one for me. I had just purchased a new movie camera and decided to head on up that long winding road, Hwy 10, north of the Twin Cities, to my favorite little town to relax in--- Normal, Mn. Last weekend was the famous Reinactment of the Battle of the Little Big Horn---or as some know it---"Custer's Last Stand."
After a night of blissful sleep at the Spruce Goose Motel, where all the comforters are pure down, and all the walls are covered with stuffed animals, I awoke, folded the wall bed back into the wall, and headed over to the little diner to meet Herman, my countryboy lawyer friend, for my usual coffee.
Herman had written me that he had a special role for me in the reinactment. I was pretty honored that they had thought of me. I had dreamed all the way up in the car of being in the cavalry. Ah the glory.
Herman wasted no time in dismissing my illusions.
"Shucks no, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you're gettin just too old to ride a horse under these high pressure situations."
"But...But....they are such old horses, Herman. I just know I could handle it," I replied.
"Well, " Herman replied, "The truth is that we only have a handful of uniforms, and they are all 42 or smaller. You need to stay behind the camera, and leave the riding and the glory for the younger folks. And besides. Normal has minimul liability coverage, and letting you ride a horse would be "prima facie gross negligence."
I always hated it when he threw that legal stuff at me....but...I had to admit that a 42 would be too tight a fit. I suddenly saw that the camera positon might be a good one for me after all. And besides, Herman promised to help me with the directions on the camera. It would be hard to do the camera zoom on the top of a horse.
After the reinactmact was over, Herman was pretty frustrated.
"That guy Custer just never learns. I do declare. When will it dawn on him? What a waste of human life."
I tried to explain: "Herman---this is a reinactment---it never will change!!!!!"
Then I realized that the beautiful girl that played Custer's wife had caught Herman's eye. If it had been Herman, I think the battle would never have been fought. Amen.
After it was all over. Herman spoke in a loud voice to all the actors------"Well done all. And remember----be real kind to your horses. And more important----SAVE the AMMO. I don't want any wild shooting or celebrating. Ya never know when we might need that ammo."
Two big lessons emerged from the battle. Always save the ammo. And..... Always wait for the cavalry.... expecially the cavalry with the t.v. cameras.
Amen
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Dateline Normal: "Criminal Complaint Wins National Fiction Award"---FICTION
(Ed. note: This is one of a long series of fictional stories from Normal, Mn., a town just south of Garrison in northern Minnesota. Where fish are fish and bait are bait. Where seasoned anglers are trained to know the difference. Where it's always daylight saving time. Just to keep things simple. )
This morning in the North American Writers Quarterly Newsletter, there was a startling headline------"Normal District Attorney wins National Fiction Award for Criminal Complaint."
Stunned, I picked up the phone and called my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, who has a law office in Normal. I was lucky. I caught him just as he was about to head out to lunch at the Hideaway Lounge.
"What's goin on up there, Herman!", I asked. Since when are district attorney's winning awards for great fiction?"
It's real simple, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.) Up here we do not have a separate category of school for "Fiction Writing." That's for English Majors. Up here---It is a down home part of real life. Just the natural way. "
"We just go over the recent criminal complaints and----well-----then we review which "over" or "under" charge was the most creative.....which complaint showed the best....best.....fictional content. We have real high standards. This is a real competitive category. After all. We gotta get recognition somehow up here. It is in the FICTIONAL category that we really shine. "
I was stunned. "Can you tell me the details of the winning criminal complaint?, I asked.
"Sure, Wolfman. It was the case of a real popular local up in these here parts. He was originally charged with attempted murder, but then he was finally ticketed with jaywalking. The rumble happened in an uncontrolled crosswalk right next to the Hideway Lounge. Up in these here parts----- we have a real tight jaywalking ordinance. "
"That's just outrageous," I exclaimed. And that criminal complaint won a national award? "
"Yup," Herman chortled. "Aint that something." We won a $5000 cash prize for it. It won "Best Under Charge Award."
"Wow. Now you got my attention. We can do better than that right here in Wisconsin. Where do I send the entry. Then Herman gave me the address.
Thank goodness I am back here in good old Wisconsin. Where we can compete with anyone! Even Normal, Mn. Where we have a high quality of fiction. And where our criminal complaints are the best fiction around. And we will show up Herman. I can't wait to win that award.
This morning in the North American Writers Quarterly Newsletter, there was a startling headline------"Normal District Attorney wins National Fiction Award for Criminal Complaint."
Stunned, I picked up the phone and called my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, who has a law office in Normal. I was lucky. I caught him just as he was about to head out to lunch at the Hideaway Lounge.
"What's goin on up there, Herman!", I asked. Since when are district attorney's winning awards for great fiction?"
It's real simple, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.) Up here we do not have a separate category of school for "Fiction Writing." That's for English Majors. Up here---It is a down home part of real life. Just the natural way. "
"We just go over the recent criminal complaints and----well-----then we review which "over" or "under" charge was the most creative.....which complaint showed the best....best.....fictional content. We have real high standards. This is a real competitive category. After all. We gotta get recognition somehow up here. It is in the FICTIONAL category that we really shine. "
I was stunned. "Can you tell me the details of the winning criminal complaint?, I asked.
"Sure, Wolfman. It was the case of a real popular local up in these here parts. He was originally charged with attempted murder, but then he was finally ticketed with jaywalking. The rumble happened in an uncontrolled crosswalk right next to the Hideway Lounge. Up in these here parts----- we have a real tight jaywalking ordinance. "
"That's just outrageous," I exclaimed. And that criminal complaint won a national award? "
"Yup," Herman chortled. "Aint that something." We won a $5000 cash prize for it. It won "Best Under Charge Award."
"Wow. Now you got my attention. We can do better than that right here in Wisconsin. Where do I send the entry. Then Herman gave me the address.
Thank goodness I am back here in good old Wisconsin. Where we can compete with anyone! Even Normal, Mn. Where we have a high quality of fiction. And where our criminal complaints are the best fiction around. And we will show up Herman. I can't wait to win that award.
Dateline Normal School District: "The Marathon Man"---FICTION
Ed. Note. This is one of a long series of tales from the land of Normal, Mn., just west of the Land of Lake Woebegon and south of Garrison, Mn. Any resemblance between these tales and reality is purely an accident. These tales are available from ITunes in the comedy section under "Tales from Normal" and also can be downloaded from the Observer site. When shipped in CD format, they are shipped in a brown paper wrapper clearly marked "FICTION." )
It has been quite a hectic week here with the pace of the school board election picking up, so I decided to brave the cold of Northern Minn and head up HWY 10 to my favorite town, Normal, Mn.. The roads were pretty slick, but after I stopped at Osseo at the Norske Nook cafe and had a little of their good home cooking, I was powered up for the long drive. I got to Normal and quickly checked in at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel with all goose down comforters, and a trophy game on every wall, and where you get a little mini-dove bar in the ash tray as a little up-scale treat.
I headed over to the local diner and met up with Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend. I remarked to Herman that the drive had just been very tiring, with the weather and all. I asked him what he had been up to.
"Well," Herman smiled, " I have been gettin in shape with some marathon training. It is REQUIRED if you are on the school board in NORMAL. It looks like you might benefit from some fitness training, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), cause ya really need it."
" I just don't see what marathon training has to do with serving the public on the school board," I said.
"Just wait and see," Herman replied.
"Up here in God's country, It's just survival of the fittest. Our leaders on the school board schedule marathon meetings that can last as long as 12 hours. Only the very fittest can survive to vote on the finance matters at the very end of the meeting. "
"How could they last 12 hours," I asked.
"Well, it is real tough to cut off the sharing that folks want to enlighten the board with. In fact, it is the real plan to wear down the opposition till only a minimum of board members is still not sleeping in their chairs. Then the approval of bills and the motion to adjourn are lumped in one final motion."
"You mean the meeting is not adjourned till the bills are approved as presented."
"Yup," Herman said. "It is sheer moxie."
"So, I have been in marathon training so I can say awake longer without takin any of that no doze stuff. "
I was pretty tired just thinking about those long meetings. I headed out early to head back to good Old Wisconsin----where we don't have to be marathon athletes to compete for the school boards. Where the bills are a separate motion from the motion to adjourn....and where meetings are not deliberately lengthened to avoid unpleasant topics at the very end.
Alleluia.
It has been quite a hectic week here with the pace of the school board election picking up, so I decided to brave the cold of Northern Minn and head up HWY 10 to my favorite town, Normal, Mn.. The roads were pretty slick, but after I stopped at Osseo at the Norske Nook cafe and had a little of their good home cooking, I was powered up for the long drive. I got to Normal and quickly checked in at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel with all goose down comforters, and a trophy game on every wall, and where you get a little mini-dove bar in the ash tray as a little up-scale treat.
I headed over to the local diner and met up with Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend. I remarked to Herman that the drive had just been very tiring, with the weather and all. I asked him what he had been up to.
"Well," Herman smiled, " I have been gettin in shape with some marathon training. It is REQUIRED if you are on the school board in NORMAL. It looks like you might benefit from some fitness training, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), cause ya really need it."
" I just don't see what marathon training has to do with serving the public on the school board," I said.
"Just wait and see," Herman replied.
"Up here in God's country, It's just survival of the fittest. Our leaders on the school board schedule marathon meetings that can last as long as 12 hours. Only the very fittest can survive to vote on the finance matters at the very end of the meeting. "
"How could they last 12 hours," I asked.
"Well, it is real tough to cut off the sharing that folks want to enlighten the board with. In fact, it is the real plan to wear down the opposition till only a minimum of board members is still not sleeping in their chairs. Then the approval of bills and the motion to adjourn are lumped in one final motion."
"You mean the meeting is not adjourned till the bills are approved as presented."
"Yup," Herman said. "It is sheer moxie."
"So, I have been in marathon training so I can say awake longer without takin any of that no doze stuff. "
I was pretty tired just thinking about those long meetings. I headed out early to head back to good Old Wisconsin----where we don't have to be marathon athletes to compete for the school boards. Where the bills are a separate motion from the motion to adjourn....and where meetings are not deliberately lengthened to avoid unpleasant topics at the very end.
Alleluia.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Dateline Normal: "Field Exercise Days"---FICTION
Recently I have been up to Normal, Mn., up that long and winding road, Hwy 10, to a little spot of heaven just south of Brainerd. After my usual night's rest at the Spruce Goose Motel I headed across the street to the diner for coffee with Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend. Herman had recently been nominated to head the Police Commission as well as the Public Safety Committee of Normal. They had been combined to be more efficient.
Over a strong, black coffee, with lots of sugar and whipped cream, I mentioned that getting older was really a bummer---that one had to be an exercise fanatic just to maintain ones weight. I mentioned that I had noticed that Herman as well as most all of the police officers in Normal seemed very thin. I wondered what their secret was.
"Well, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me) we pride ourselves up here as being the "Champion of the Field Day Exercises."
"Huh?", I responded.
Then Herman went on, "For the past 40 years or so, the last two weeks prior to school getting back in session is called "Field Exercise Days." It is a real sacred time.
Police from all the surrounding communities get together to do exercises to become more effective in using their radio gear, their manuevering techniques, and yes their fitness. It is just wonderful! You must realize that up here in God's Country we don't have any of them 5k runs for fitness. That's for the metro folk. Not us.
"I still don't get it," I exclaimed.
"Well," he said, "let me explain further. Up here prior to school getin in session, there is a real problem with underage drinking. In fact, every single night during these two weeks, there is some place where young teens are gathered in the fields to drink illegally and defy the law."
"So, up here, we dress up all the police from all the communites in "full battle gear" so to speak, and then raid the beer parties. It takes real skill to detect where the party is going to be held, and when, and to make the bust. Most of the time we end up chasing young folks in the corn fields.....in full battle gear."
"I can't imagine police staff in full swat gear running in the corn fields," I said.
"It's a thing of real beauty," Herman replied. Kind of a cross between a Rocky IV and a Prefontaine movie. We even listen to Rocky music before each raid. It really gets the guys pumped."
My mind raced ahead as to the revenue possibilities in the concept. "So, there must be tons of fines and revenue for Normal involved?" I asked.
"Shucks NO, Wolfman," It's about the EXERCISE. All the young folks have parents who know parents and it is just not worth our time to prosecute anyone. We just do it for the EXERCISE."
"And for the TROPHIES," he went on. Then he pointed to a huge trophy in the diner that was inscribed "Champion, Field Exercise Days, 2005."
It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin where we DO have 5K fun runs for fitness. And where folks don't have to get in full battle gear and run in the corn fields just to get and stay trim.
Over a strong, black coffee, with lots of sugar and whipped cream, I mentioned that getting older was really a bummer---that one had to be an exercise fanatic just to maintain ones weight. I mentioned that I had noticed that Herman as well as most all of the police officers in Normal seemed very thin. I wondered what their secret was.
"Well, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me) we pride ourselves up here as being the "Champion of the Field Day Exercises."
"Huh?", I responded.
Then Herman went on, "For the past 40 years or so, the last two weeks prior to school getting back in session is called "Field Exercise Days." It is a real sacred time.
Police from all the surrounding communities get together to do exercises to become more effective in using their radio gear, their manuevering techniques, and yes their fitness. It is just wonderful! You must realize that up here in God's Country we don't have any of them 5k runs for fitness. That's for the metro folk. Not us.
"I still don't get it," I exclaimed.
"Well," he said, "let me explain further. Up here prior to school getin in session, there is a real problem with underage drinking. In fact, every single night during these two weeks, there is some place where young teens are gathered in the fields to drink illegally and defy the law."
"So, up here, we dress up all the police from all the communites in "full battle gear" so to speak, and then raid the beer parties. It takes real skill to detect where the party is going to be held, and when, and to make the bust. Most of the time we end up chasing young folks in the corn fields.....in full battle gear."
"I can't imagine police staff in full swat gear running in the corn fields," I said.
"It's a thing of real beauty," Herman replied. Kind of a cross between a Rocky IV and a Prefontaine movie. We even listen to Rocky music before each raid. It really gets the guys pumped."
My mind raced ahead as to the revenue possibilities in the concept. "So, there must be tons of fines and revenue for Normal involved?" I asked.
"Shucks NO, Wolfman," It's about the EXERCISE. All the young folks have parents who know parents and it is just not worth our time to prosecute anyone. We just do it for the EXERCISE."
"And for the TROPHIES," he went on. Then he pointed to a huge trophy in the diner that was inscribed "Champion, Field Exercise Days, 2005."
It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin where we DO have 5K fun runs for fitness. And where folks don't have to get in full battle gear and run in the corn fields just to get and stay trim.
Friday, August 11, 2006
"The Castle and The Moat"----FICTION
Well, we've been doing a lot of nostalgia lately, with the new brick downtown street here in our fair city, and I spent some time thinking about it during a long drive last week, up that long highway to my favorite fishing village up Hwy 10 from Mpls, just south of Garrison, yes, Normal, Mn..
There was a real flat bit of highway for an hour or so, and my mind went from thinking of the bricks, and the good old days, to the land of big brick---the land of castles and moats.
After cruising into Normal, I met my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, at the local coffee shop, right kiddiecorner from the Spruce Goose Motel, and ordered my regular---- the dark roast coffee, straight, extra sugar and lots of whipped cream.
Then I got directly to the point. "Herman", I asked, "I realize that these are pretty fine times with all the fishing and all, but don't you think it would be grand to be back in the days of castles and moats?
Herman paused for a moment, and seemed a little shocked by the question.
"Wolfman", he replied, looking a little stern with me, "you are just in a real looney nostalgic mood. There was really very little difference between THEN and NOW!!!"
I could not believe my ears.
"Herman, how can you say that? There are HUGE differences," I shouted.
"How so, Herman retorted. In those days there was a brick castle surrounded by a moat----a moat where folks from the castle threw their sewage. It also served as a source of their drinking water."
I took the leisure to interrupt: "See. That is my point exactly. It was a real backward time. Not modern like us."
Herman replied: "You are wrong Wolfman. Even in your own town, and in historic towns all over America, they are historic at the core, and all around them, they are surrounded by polluted--- nitrate polluted water. Folks are just as dumb about it as folks were in the middle ages. They did not get it THEN. They do not get it NOW. See."
Well. That really stoked me up. I just got right up and headed out of town. It sure is great to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where we do NOT have our fair cities surrounded by animal manure and polluted water. Where we have a strong tradition of Fighting Bob LaFollette and clean air and clean water---even if we disregard the law....we still love to talk of the tradition.
(Ed.note: Click on the post for the documentation of the use of the moat for drinking water as well as waste recepticle.)
There was a real flat bit of highway for an hour or so, and my mind went from thinking of the bricks, and the good old days, to the land of big brick---the land of castles and moats.
After cruising into Normal, I met my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, at the local coffee shop, right kiddiecorner from the Spruce Goose Motel, and ordered my regular---- the dark roast coffee, straight, extra sugar and lots of whipped cream.
Then I got directly to the point. "Herman", I asked, "I realize that these are pretty fine times with all the fishing and all, but don't you think it would be grand to be back in the days of castles and moats?
Herman paused for a moment, and seemed a little shocked by the question.
"Wolfman", he replied, looking a little stern with me, "you are just in a real looney nostalgic mood. There was really very little difference between THEN and NOW!!!"
I could not believe my ears.
"Herman, how can you say that? There are HUGE differences," I shouted.
"How so, Herman retorted. In those days there was a brick castle surrounded by a moat----a moat where folks from the castle threw their sewage. It also served as a source of their drinking water."
I took the leisure to interrupt: "See. That is my point exactly. It was a real backward time. Not modern like us."
Herman replied: "You are wrong Wolfman. Even in your own town, and in historic towns all over America, they are historic at the core, and all around them, they are surrounded by polluted--- nitrate polluted water. Folks are just as dumb about it as folks were in the middle ages. They did not get it THEN. They do not get it NOW. See."
Well. That really stoked me up. I just got right up and headed out of town. It sure is great to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where we do NOT have our fair cities surrounded by animal manure and polluted water. Where we have a strong tradition of Fighting Bob LaFollette and clean air and clean water---even if we disregard the law....we still love to talk of the tradition.
(Ed.note: Click on the post for the documentation of the use of the moat for drinking water as well as waste recepticle.)
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Friday, July 14, 2006
Dateline Normal: Pastor Hickenmueller Destroys His Sermons
Well it has been hectic getting ready for the Holidays, and also getting through all those Presidential debates of the past months----I had read all the news articles about the presidential candidate that when asked about all his prior sermons as an evangelical, simply said they were not available. What a shock! I have been saving and recording sermons for historical record my whole life..... Some to treasure..... Just in case the immediate as well as the long term memory fades.....
Whenever I come across a mystery such as this, as I often do, I simply call my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer in Normal, Mn., a small fishing town just south of Garrison, and west of the Land of Lake Woebegone. Herman was a lawyer, and while he was not a regular Churchgoer, nevertheless, was an expert in amnesia on the stand in the courtroom. I figured he might be of some help.
"Herman," I blurted out, "I am just dumbfounded by the story of the presidential candidate that has not made his religious sermons available for the press. Have you ever heard of such a thing."
"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me) that type of thang is just commonplace. Why we had a pastor up here in Normal from the Evangelical Pentacostal Church, Pastor Hickenmueller, that right in the middle of one of his sermons, right after he called on the Name of the Lord to cast out evil amongst us, was.....well...struck speechless."
At first we thought it was just dramatic technique---after all, the good Pastor had been a volunteer who constructed the stage sets at the local Normal High School theatrical productions....and folks just thought he might have wanted to do a little dramatic interpretation. But not so.....
We were lucky though---the only doctor in town, Dr. Goodenough, was luckily in attendance that fateful morn, and he stepped forward to diagnosis the situation. He quickly called for the ambulance, and simply said that the good pastor had suffered a mild thrombis or stroke, and ....well.....the entire congregation was speechless."
"But Herman, "I protested, "there is a huge difference between running for political office and forgetting...and suffering a stroke and being left deaf and dumb."
"Not really Wolfman. It is pretty much the same up here in Normal."
It sure is good to be back in our fair city. Where folks do not need a thrombosis to forget. Where pastors are especially cautious on calling on the Lord to cast out all evil, without being more specific. Where there is really a big difference between being struck deaf and dumb and running for political office. It sure is good to be back home.
Whenever I come across a mystery such as this, as I often do, I simply call my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer in Normal, Mn., a small fishing town just south of Garrison, and west of the Land of Lake Woebegone. Herman was a lawyer, and while he was not a regular Churchgoer, nevertheless, was an expert in amnesia on the stand in the courtroom. I figured he might be of some help.
"Herman," I blurted out, "I am just dumbfounded by the story of the presidential candidate that has not made his religious sermons available for the press. Have you ever heard of such a thing."
"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me) that type of thang is just commonplace. Why we had a pastor up here in Normal from the Evangelical Pentacostal Church, Pastor Hickenmueller, that right in the middle of one of his sermons, right after he called on the Name of the Lord to cast out evil amongst us, was.....well...struck speechless."
At first we thought it was just dramatic technique---after all, the good Pastor had been a volunteer who constructed the stage sets at the local Normal High School theatrical productions....and folks just thought he might have wanted to do a little dramatic interpretation. But not so.....
We were lucky though---the only doctor in town, Dr. Goodenough, was luckily in attendance that fateful morn, and he stepped forward to diagnosis the situation. He quickly called for the ambulance, and simply said that the good pastor had suffered a mild thrombis or stroke, and ....well.....the entire congregation was speechless."
"But Herman, "I protested, "there is a huge difference between running for political office and forgetting...and suffering a stroke and being left deaf and dumb."
"Not really Wolfman. It is pretty much the same up here in Normal."
It sure is good to be back in our fair city. Where folks do not need a thrombosis to forget. Where pastors are especially cautious on calling on the Lord to cast out all evil, without being more specific. Where there is really a big difference between being struck deaf and dumb and running for political office. It sure is good to be back home.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Dateline Normal: "The Case of the Trellis Manager"----FICTION
Dateline Normal: The Case of the Trellis Manager; Or," The Code Breakers"-----Fiction
Recently I attended a long Planning Commission meeting where the new "Fence Ordinance" was discussed. It covers everything. It seems that the biggest problem in our fair city is that we just do not have enough ordinances, or at least ordinances that are specific enough to address the fine details of current life.
Now take the problem of "TRELLISES." Not a big problem for some of you. O.K. 99.9% of you. But to a professional planner.....they are a BIG problem. Solving it might take a year or two...maybe even longer when you consider commute time.
Trellises are plants that grow on top of--- or around--- fences. They seem just like a plant. Well. They are a plant. But symbolically...and this is where the planner comes in, they are a sign of deep lo down lawbreaking....and the worst threat to civilization faced by civilized folks in these here parts in ages.
Our fair city hopes to solve that menace by the following language: " Trellises: A trellis may be incorporated into the overall design of a fence provided no part is taller than 8 feet and does not extend for more than 10 percent of the length of the side on which it is located." (sec. 130-538 Proposed)
What a stunning accomplishment. What precision. Still....as I thought about the problem of TRELLISES, I pondered that I might need a second opinion. Yes. I needed to call my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, in Normal, Mn., and see what he thought. He was always so down to earth. Downhome. I just knew he had some experience with this problem.
It was pretty clear weather, and I easily got him on the cellphone.
"Herman", what do you know about fences and trellises up there in Normal, Mn.? I need some of your wisdom about this matter."
"Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you are going AT the problem ALL wrong. You are focused just way too narrow. Think about this. VISUALIZE the community you wish to become. Then look to the code of THAT community that you visualize. It is just REAL simple."
"We would like to be a renaissance community where folks can come from all over and walk up and down, shopping in little shops and sipping a latte at the same time. Later they would sit outside and sip cocktails and eat elegant roast beef au jus or maybe specially baked salmon."
"O.K. Wolfman. That is a good beginning. Now you need to go further. If you think real hard you can see what to do. We did in Normal. You want the CODE of a renaissance city-----PRESTO you simply get the municipal code of Rome, Italy---it is on the internet for free. Then you just use a computer translator and you have an instant municipal code that has a PROVEN record of high achievement. AND the history of ENFORCEMENT to prove it."
"Do you mean, Herman, that if we get this code of ordinances of Rome, Italy, we will produce such masters as DaVinci? Will the code of Rome solve everything?
"Not EVERYTHING Wolfman. We had to add parts of the code of VENICE for more watery areas of Normal. A little experience with water comes in REAL handy."
"What ever happened to your city planner, Herman?"
"We have NONE in Normal. We spent $25 for the translation from Italian to English---wudda been cheaper except that there was some Sicilian dialect thrown into parts of the code for the enforcement section. All we have is a part time seasonal trellis manager that cuts grass, inspects porta potties and trellises in the summer. We keep it real simple."
WOW. I got off the phone. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can spend years developing code that was discovered centuries ago and is available for no charge with just a simple language translation. After all, we need it home grown.
Recently I attended a long Planning Commission meeting where the new "Fence Ordinance" was discussed. It covers everything. It seems that the biggest problem in our fair city is that we just do not have enough ordinances, or at least ordinances that are specific enough to address the fine details of current life.
Now take the problem of "TRELLISES." Not a big problem for some of you. O.K. 99.9% of you. But to a professional planner.....they are a BIG problem. Solving it might take a year or two...maybe even longer when you consider commute time.
Trellises are plants that grow on top of--- or around--- fences. They seem just like a plant. Well. They are a plant. But symbolically...and this is where the planner comes in, they are a sign of deep lo down lawbreaking....and the worst threat to civilization faced by civilized folks in these here parts in ages.
Our fair city hopes to solve that menace by the following language: " Trellises: A trellis may be incorporated into the overall design of a fence provided no part is taller than 8 feet and does not extend for more than 10 percent of the length of the side on which it is located." (sec. 130-538 Proposed)
What a stunning accomplishment. What precision. Still....as I thought about the problem of TRELLISES, I pondered that I might need a second opinion. Yes. I needed to call my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, in Normal, Mn., and see what he thought. He was always so down to earth. Downhome. I just knew he had some experience with this problem.
It was pretty clear weather, and I easily got him on the cellphone.
"Herman", what do you know about fences and trellises up there in Normal, Mn.? I need some of your wisdom about this matter."
"Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you are going AT the problem ALL wrong. You are focused just way too narrow. Think about this. VISUALIZE the community you wish to become. Then look to the code of THAT community that you visualize. It is just REAL simple."
"We would like to be a renaissance community where folks can come from all over and walk up and down, shopping in little shops and sipping a latte at the same time. Later they would sit outside and sip cocktails and eat elegant roast beef au jus or maybe specially baked salmon."
"O.K. Wolfman. That is a good beginning. Now you need to go further. If you think real hard you can see what to do. We did in Normal. You want the CODE of a renaissance city-----PRESTO you simply get the municipal code of Rome, Italy---it is on the internet for free. Then you just use a computer translator and you have an instant municipal code that has a PROVEN record of high achievement. AND the history of ENFORCEMENT to prove it."
"Do you mean, Herman, that if we get this code of ordinances of Rome, Italy, we will produce such masters as DaVinci? Will the code of Rome solve everything?
"Not EVERYTHING Wolfman. We had to add parts of the code of VENICE for more watery areas of Normal. A little experience with water comes in REAL handy."
"What ever happened to your city planner, Herman?"
"We have NONE in Normal. We spent $25 for the translation from Italian to English---wudda been cheaper except that there was some Sicilian dialect thrown into parts of the code for the enforcement section. All we have is a part time seasonal trellis manager that cuts grass, inspects porta potties and trellises in the summer. We keep it real simple."
WOW. I got off the phone. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can spend years developing code that was discovered centuries ago and is available for no charge with just a simple language translation. After all, we need it home grown.
