"There's Real Swearing at the "Swearing In Ceremony" in Normal, Mn."---FICTION

This past weekend, in order to get away from all the acrimony of politics, I headed on up to the peace and fishing of Normal, Mn.---and during a Saturday night session with the locals at the Hideaway Lounge, where my favorite Tex-Mex band was playing, I asked the group what the local tradition of the "swearing in ceremony was". The folks at our table just erupted in joy as they explained the local traditon.

It seems that years ago, to fight the boredom and status quo mentality of the locals toward politics, the swearing in ceremony in Normal, Mn. was seen as the last time that the candidates and their supporters could curse their opponents out loud----and one minute was given right before the swearing in ceremony to get all that animosity out---after that they had to be civil to each other----so over the years it had developed into quite a scene---literally there was a whole lot of swearing going on for that one minute each election cycle.

Well it sure is good to be back home....where we are not limited by just one minute of swearing...anyway...it sure should be interesting.

All the Candidates use robocallers in Normal, Mn.: Tales from Normal, MN.: FICTION

Well it has been pretty upsetting...with all the unauthorized robocallers wandering around doing their stand up cold calling cowboy routine for the local candidates.....kind of like hijacking the gold bullion stage coach headed to Carson city...in them olden days.

So I wondered...and just called my old friend, Herman,...the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn....he was a lawyer...he should know...

Herman just let out a huge bellylaugh;

"Shucks Wolfman( that's what he always called me); Up here in Normal, Mn., we are long past the point of human contact in politics---its just too messy...we love the digital age...with all the ipods and the Ipads...and the inhuman aspects of it....

So...we made it a local ordinance that all candidates MUST use robocalling, and absolutely no human interaction with any citizen...that is best....and we have made the robocalling free of charge...just to make it a level playing field.....after all...it is about fishing up here...and the politics is extra...even below fish cleaning."

"Leave it up to the Building Inspector"---the national role model of Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well last week, the local planning commission voted to address one of the most contentious issues worldwide----the issue of set back from floodway, or floodplain, for the purpose of construction of homes or commercial ventures---if you search google, you will see whether it is the British and the Prime Minister living in the flood plain at 10 Downing Street, or whether it is the locals, citizens are struggling on how to say....well...."no"---to those who would buy cheap land, build, sell to the unsuspecting, and then when the inevitable comes and the structure is damaged---have the buyer demand to be bailed out from the damage at taxpayer expense.

I wondered.

So I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer of Normal, Mn. He should know.

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.

"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)---we faced this issue years ago---and after deciding at the common council that we did not want to decide cause it was too difficult...we let it up to the "building inspector"----and presto---it was so successful that we have extended the idea toother contentious issues, like...teenage drinking, sign ordinance issues, animal control issues....and lastly world peace."

WOW. What a solution!!!!!

It turns out that locally we have been in the forefront of the solution to some of the vexing problems of our time.

Shoppers Regain Confidence in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well it has been quite a past two years---with employees nationwide losing their jobs and their homes at record rates---but the good news, and maybe the bad news was that folks had panicked and actually saved some of their earnings---yes the saving rate for America had gone up....

Now with the approach of Spring, some good news and maybe bad news----folks have begun to shop again---and not for just remodeling supplies, but for clothing and the other things that make America hum---Even though the revenue from employee earnings has not risen, the shopping has risen----

OOPS. That was what got us in the mess to begin with. I just wondered. I wonder what Herman would say about all this:

I caught him standing up casting for bass and ...yes...it took a while for him to answer his cellphone.

"Shucks Wolfman: quit worrying about the consumer....home prices will decline to where the youngsters today who make $10 an hour can buy them...it might take some time.....but in that meantime, the youngsters can buy some for digital gagets to keep the economy going."

Then he got a bass strike and had to hang up. First things first.

"Voting with your feet---and other funny stories"---Tales From Normal, Mn.

Recently I have been reading news reports about citizens of communities that have been told of higher taxes and the reports of the media have suggested that citizens are going to go to other districts, just are not going to take it anymore----in short---they are going to "walk with their feet."

I just wondered about that. So as always, I called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn.---after all, there had been ZERO growth in Normal, Mn. for decades---he should know about any walking.

After a long explanation, Herman just let out a huge bellylaugh:

"Everybody thinks they are just free as heck and can walk---but the reality is that when it comes time, things are so dismal, and jobs are so scarce...that folks just give their homes back to the bank....and then they walk......It is not defiance...it is just despair......"

Thanks, Herman.

Normal creates more historic districts than jobs!!: Normal, MN: FICTION

In special report to the community, held in a hushed room of citizens, the Normal, Mn historical society presented their annual report today, with multiberry scones with complimentary Starbucks coffee prior to the presentation in order to warm up the crowd.

Over the past year, according to the report, Normal, Mn. has created three historic districts, and has lost 300 factory jobs over the past 12 months----and if one does the math, under the proposal at the meeting, if an additonal four historic districts are added, well over another 300 jobs will be lost next year if history repeats itself---an axiom that all true historical preservs believe fervently, even if drinking a decaf Starbucks, with soy, hold the sugar, double whipped cream.

In summary, the community of Normal, Mn. was not impressed with the prospects for future development. Stay tuned for a more comprehensive report when the Plaque or Plague report is released next week.

"Man stopped for 100th DWI: Police unsure of action: Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Last night in Normal, Mn, a local named "Henry", not his real name to protect his rights to privacy, was stopped by the local law enforcement for his 100th DWI, or more commonly called OWI.

After stopping him with three patrol cars with helicopters overhead as backup, they whisked him off to the local police station to be booked and then returned home to his own cogniscance.

Upon contact by the local media, the local police were unsure of what action they would take. Stay tuned.

Normal, Mn. Goes Virtual: Keeps Sports;Keeps Special Ed: Fires Teachers----FICTION

Well it has been just a little bit unsettling...living in a time warp where institutions, school, state, and federal government keep mouthing about just cutting the "fat" of expenses, all the while everyone knows that essential cuts are coming...when the stimulus ends....and the loud music ends and the sole piper is heard to play...

After reading the drama of a neighboring school district, Brodhead, Wi, where the school, facing a deficit, tried the old technique of threatening the sports funding, decided once the referendum failed, and over 80 students filed for open enrollment, that the best course would be to cut the teachers and keep the sports......I just wondered....

I rang up Herman, my old friend at Normal, Mn.. He was a lawyer and member of the Normal, Mn. school board...he must know. Normal was a small fishing town, just south of Garrison, Mn., and ...well...with the decline in tourism dollars....they were hurting....I wondered about their solution.

After I explained the situation, Herman let out a huge bellylaugh:

"Shucks Wolfman (that's what he always called me) up here we are mostly fishermen, and we have gotten used to the sonar fishing locators and such, and the guys really do understand the magic of mobile computing. And--with the rapid improvement of these mobile devices, there is simply nowhere that a bass can hide in the weeds anymore...tech is really something up here."

Then he went on:

"Several years ago, facing the budget crisis, we decided that we would eliminate all the regular high school classes and go "virtual instruction." After all, most of the "cultural value" of the high school here was social skill, and the kids seem to be doing just fine without the classes, with all the email, cell phone, ipod touch, etc, etc. They were just knocking down high grades in "communication".

We just kept the special education classes in the regular classrooms, and of course, we kept all the sports. Mostly they are winter sports, and the only heating costs are the warming houses for hockey.

It has really worked out. We hired some of the teachers to run the virtual, as long as they could compete with other teacher equilavents around the world, such as India. There has been quite a saving.

What a shock. Cutting school but keeping sports.

"You can always afford to Come home to Normal, Mn"---FICTION.

Some years ago, I was speaking to a friend from my youth, and he asked me "Have you been home lately?" When I responded that I had not, he said: "You will not be happy. Check it out."

So I did. And the last time back, I drove with my brother to check out the old haunts....What shock. What had been a small town on the edge of a lake, and yes....there were always the mansions on the lake of the super rich...but there had been a middle class that had a thriving area of town.

Now even the shacks built in the 1930's and 1940's when there was rationing of building supplies were now selling for $250K. And in the new section of town for development, they had packed $400M homes side by side with no space to speak of and it looked just terrible.

Frustrated, I picked up the phone and called Herman from Normal, Mn. He should know what to do.

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me.)

"Up here in Normal, Mn, we keep things simple, and well...it is pretty spartan....but the bottom line is that....you can always afford to come home....and in fact that is our hometown mantra. Many towns want to build spanking new buildings, and enlighten the citizens by raising the taxes, but as I remember it, nobody every got saved by higher taxes and less disposable income. "

"Wrestlers Don't Dance in Normal, Mn."--FICTION

Well there is nothing like having a local school board meeting to kick off the week----last night I attended a meeting where the topic of discussion was how to manage the uniform appropriateness of Poms at our local school---they are a sport now, and there has been some concern that in their effort to capture market share from the Dallas Cowboys cheer squad, they might have gone over the edge of propriety and ..well..this might have caused some moral decay or excitement among the fans.

Right in the middle of the discussion of who was more or less inappropriate, one of the poms startled the crowd by saying: "Have you ever thought of the wrestlers uniforms? Some of those are clearly indecent!!!"

The crowd was speechless. Not one wrestler parent was present to defend them. No person had considered that in the lurching to and fro in the discussion, wrestler uniform indecency might be the culprit in a generalized moral downfall of students.

As I sat there, taking notes, I tried to picture the wrestling event. Later, when the meeting had dispursed, I did what I always do when confronting an extremely difficult problem...I gave my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn. a call---he was on the school board...he should know of this problem.

After I explained the situation, Herman let out a huge bellylaugh;

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me) I understand your situation. We faced this many years ago. Up here in Normal, Mn., the wrestlers don't dance-----We clearly outlaw wrestlers dancing in the co-curricular handbook. And anyway----most wrestlers could not hip hop if they wanted to...the wrestlers follow the rules. They would not want to corrupt anyone."

Thanks Herman.

Master Garagebuilder Forgets How: Tales From Normal, Mn.: Fiction

Here in Normal, MN., we are sorely in need of a small car---recently a master garage builder who built ..well..mostly every garage in Normal,Mn., built a brand spanking new garage, and.... well....it was too small for two regular size cars.....the entire community was stunned.....and in truth wanted to protect his feelings and such....and wondered what to do.....

I asked Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend about what to do.
"Is there no accountability, Herman? Do builders just charge extra to fix their own mistakes? What is the deal?

"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me), ya got to understand...we are a fishing town of great fisherman and also great big...and proud tradesmen....and so ya got to be careful. Think of it this way....it was not an error....it was just designed for two TATA MOTORS cars. Thus....it was future thinking.

These cars will be arrving in the USA in a couple of years, and will cost about $10,000----and believe me, they are small. Just park the current big cars outside till we can get the TATA motors cars in a couple of years. No point hurting anyone's feelings."

"NO rear view mirrors for ambulance in Normal, Mn."---FICTION

Cruising into Normal, Mn. last weekend, I noticed behind me the flashing of lights, and then the Normal, Mn. ambulance flying by to the rescue---right after it passed me, and yes I did slow and pull to the right, I noticed that the ambulance quickly,...and too quickly pulled over to the right lane, as if not noticing how close it was to me. Then I noticed---something a little odd----it had NO REAR VIEW MIRRORS.

After warming up a bit at the Hideaway Lounge on Friday night, I posed the question to Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend---he was a lawyer and also a member of the Normal, Mn school board---It was a little out of his expertise but I thought I would try--so I asked.

Herman just bent over laughing.

"Shucks Wolfman...that is quite a story. Up here in Normal, Mn., we are real precise and real energy efficient---and we planned the EMS garage with only one inch to spare----and you guessed it, we forgot about the rear view mirrors----but we figured that thinking on our feet, in order to live within the budget, we would just rip off the mirrors---after all that is forward thinking...right?"

So there it is. The mystery of why there are no mirrors on the ambulances in Normal, MN.

"Investments bought and held over 300 years praised": FICTION: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it's that sacred New Year investment game again---every financial pundit with a computer mouse is making predictions, carefully in low monitone voices, about the coming year's stock market results. It just makes a guy wonder.

I picked up the cell phone and called Normal, Mn., and reached Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend---he was in the midst of an ice fishing contest, so I make it quick with the question.

I explained how confusing it was reading all the pundits at year end. Herman just laughed.

"Shucks Wolfman, ya just got to get used to it. Up here in Normal, MN., we are long term investors----We invest for 300 years---that way it works out. From the investors view, the stocks are given to the heirs, and after all, the donors cannot remember what the basis was anyway. And from the receiving end, it is a gift and they do not care a whit. Good feelings all around.

Think of it as you would an ice shack. My grandpappy gave dad this shack, and I inherited it....It will go to my boys some day. It has been a heck of an investment. I just think of the fish, not the shack, and that is the model that works for investments too."

Yup. I guess it makes sense. That must be why some of my investments did not work out----I just did not live long enough.

"City Ignores Audit Recommendation for 75th Straight Year:" Tales from Normal, Mn.---FICTION

The city of Normal, Mn. met last week to celebrate the completion of its fiscal year---and even finished the meeting with a ceremonial popping of the champaigne----

The auditors, Old Block and Co., a local accounting firm of lineage dating back to the founding fathers of Normal, Mn., noted the following deficiencies:

We continue to recommend that the City prepare an accounting and financial policies manual that includes the following:

Purchasing procedures
Treasury functions including an investment policy
Fund accounting
Utility billing procedures
Cash receipts procedures
Journal entry approval
Fraud risk management
Disaster recovery plan
Chart of accounts manual
Work order processing
Utility collection and write-off procedures
Interest and reconciliation of customer deposits."

With intense and joyous pride, the Normal Common Council voted unanimously to disregard the auditors recommendations for the 75th Straight Year.

"It's our heritage" one council member was heard to say.

Dreams of Summer in Normal, MN.

 

"Local Newspaper downsizes to 3x5 card" ---room left over: FICTION

Locals were startled recently when a local newspaper announced they were downsizing to a new 3 x 5 card format. At first I thought that it was because there was such a scarcity of content from the paper...but I just wondered....

I picked up the phone and dialed Herman from Normal, Mn., the old wise countryboylawyer, and yes fisherman; Herman should know the latest of trends.

"Herman, is this the death of newspapers? What is the deal?", I asked.

Herman just laughed:

"Shucks Wolfman( that's what he always called me) up here in Normal, MN. we have gone to the 3x 5 postcard format for the past 5 years....On the postcard we just list the website for the paper. The postcards are free, but the entrance to the site requires subscription. It's real simple----and make a note that there is really plenty of room left over on the postcard...it's real efficient."

I was stunned. To think that such a backward fishing village could be so far ahead of everybody else.

"When the boys shop"=== the forgotten song---FICTION

Well the long Christmas season is coming to an end==and just in the last few days before Christmas, I have been working for an online retailer, and have been getting those calls from the guys looking for a little something for the wife, or significant other. In fact...all across America it seems that guys are wandering around the malls seeking ideas for a gift for that special someone....

What has been a little embarassing is that I recognize in those desparate shoppers a little of myself of earlier years...and if the truth be told after checking with my family, even I have not made much progress in this regard....

I just wondered how it all went up in Normal, Mn., where guys were guys, focused on the big fish and ice fishing, and I wondered how they fit in Christmas shopping midst all the fishing contests. ...I just picked up the phone and gave my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer a call...he should know.

Herman just laughed.

"Wolfman (thats what he always called me} every true fisherman knows the rule of the fuzzy nightgown---every year, rather than fuss and blunder over the last minute gift for the wife....just give her a fuzzy nightgown...or negligee and alternate every year....trust me...it works wonders. Do not get creative or confused. Just follow the plan."

So there it is. Herman is a lawyer...he should know. Guys...do not get creative...just follow the plan and you will be a happy man....

"Snow Busts Budget for 99th Straight Year"---FICTION: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it has been pretty stressful---fighting the snow plus the ice and the hazardous snow conditions made worse maybe by the poor plowing in certain municipalities---it seems that these snow conditions---coming at the very time that the celebrated city leaders were heading to city hall to vote for millions in TIF funding for a large hotel enterprise----well the whole thing is being touted in the press as a complete budget buster...a budget surprise.....I just wondered...

I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn., who just then was ice fishing up in Normal, Mn---I wondered how the northern tundra handled those snow expenses.

When I blurted it out---about how the mayor even admitted responsibility for the bad storm handling and all, Herman just laughed:

"Shucks Wolfman( thats what he always called me) don't ya just wonder how snow expenses could be such a surprise for the 99th straight year. What is the problem...maybe memory?

Up here in Normal, Mn., we place a tax on all liquor---and hold it in a separate trust fund---we have found that in crisis snow times, folks drink evenmore, and thus the fund has risen and fallen with the snow...it just works out. We don't call it a booze tax---it's called the snow tax---and everybody is for it...after all, if nobody can drive...that is bad for business....folks get it up here...and the worst thing is if folks cannot shop at Christmas..."

Thanks Herman.

" Expand or start a War---Get a Nobel Peace Price"---Fiction: Dateline Normal, Mn.

Well it has been a little disconcerting----listening to all the hubub about the President getting the Nobel Peace Prize just as he is announcing an expansion of the Afganistan War, all upon the recommendation of the very general that covered up the death of Mr Tillman----loyal general, but not showing a real long history of truthfulness. The real guy that should have gotten the peace prize was Tillman.

Upset....I spent a long drive up to Normal, Mn., where on Friday night late, in the midst of the second set of a moody blues band, asked Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend, what to make of PEACE these days.

Herman paused:

"Shucks, Wolfman, now is not the time to be bewildered. Those Nobel peace prizes have always gone to the warlords...after all, that is why even the drones are called "PREDATOR" drones. It is about being a PREDATOR. It would be nice to see some PEACEMAKER drones---and even a few drones to protect the skies over the US would be nice. Remember 911---ya did not see any TOP GUN types in the air on that famous day---no they were too busy on foreign R and R to take the time to defend the homeland."

I was a little shocked by the words of Herman. But then I had to reflect. I did always love the movie TOP GUN....but come to think of it,...never did see any of those famous flyers defending the homeland....it was always about those foreign shores.....

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Normal Schedules H1N1 Flu Shots for 2015--Prepayment required"---FICTION

Well....it has been a bit frustrating...with the H1N1 flu shots being in such short supply...and being reserved for Wall Street Traders and health care professionals....and the very young.

The firm I work for has delayed its clinic several times. I just wondered how Normal, Mn. was handling the crisis. I figured Herman should know.

I picked up the cellphone and reached Herman in his ice fishing shack.

"Shucks Wolfman (that's what he always called me)----Up here we just got tired of worrying, and after much thought.... boldly scheduled the H1N1 clinic for November 2015---however, patients MUST PREPAY, with cash no checks....and they must live to 2015 cause there are no refunds."

Then he went on.

"We just thought that by scheduling the event in the far future, we could create a market for "swine flu futures" and the flu shot futures could be actively traded in the futures exchanges. After all, what makes our wonderful country great is its ability to create markets and money...there is no greater gift than that....the folks on Wall Street think of themselves as bein real givers...even better than doctors and nurses. The way we see it, even if folks don't live to get the serum, the market they create will do some real good."

WOW. What a shock. But the more I thought of it, since real health care is pretty rare anyway, at least playing with some swine futures would be a nice diversion.

Thanks Herman.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: " With a 501(3)c even drinking is tax deductible in Normal, Mn:"--FICTION

I recently spent some time in the Hideaway Lounge in Normal, Mn. during the "magical hour" right before the band starts--and decided to put the hour to good purpose and discuss a question that I have been chewing on for some time. Many newspapers, and yes even bloggers, have been thinking that maybe the 501(3)c is the proper organizational form to take to succeed---that way folks can contribute just as they do to public radio for their news--and the news organization can seek "donations" that would I suppose be .....tax deductible---and anyway...what could be the difference between not making any profit and being a charitable institution.

I wasted no time. I blurted it out. Requested in no uncertain terms Herman's advice on the matter. After all. I always wanted to be a charitable institution.

After the question...the long pause. "Shucks Wolfman( that's what he always called me) there is no reason you could not be a 501(3)c organization....up here in Normal, Mn. everyone is a 501(3)c...even the bars....It all began years ago during a festival of sorts by a charitable organization...and it occured to folks drinking at their beer tent...and it by the way was nothing but the finest of German beer...no cheap stuff...that their drinking was in fact a charitable gift---so the guys all asked for receipts for their purchases. Soon---all the bars in town became 501(3)c. After all...from a larger perspective....there is just a slim difference between doing good....and feeling good......really."

WOW. What a bombshell. Just that short discussion changed my perspective entirely----these weren't just a bunch of drunken fishermen...they were charitable donors. All of a sudden a huge wave of appreciation swept over me. I needed to get a 501(3)c. And soon.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: "State Mandates Mandatory 1K; Needs the revenue; attendance optional--FICTION

Recently after reviewing the decision by the State of Wisconsin to make 5K mandatory for all citizens in Wisconsin, and presumably issuing truancy citations for the children refusing to attend, I thought I would just call my old friend, Herman, the down home countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn. and brag a bit about how progressive we folks in Wisonsin have become, in these desparate economic times.

I had just started to sing the praises of Wisconsin when Herman cut me off mid sentence.

"Wolfman ( that's what he always called me) we are way ahead of you folks up here in God's country---We just mandated 1K for all the schools of Normal, MN. Here is the bottom line---we need the revenue. Whether the kids actually attend is "flexible" or up to the "discretion" of the school administrator, but we still plan on charging the state for the mandated instruction---ya just gotta remember---It's about the money."

I was just stunned. But after a brief reflection.....I just had to agree.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Ready for Swine Flu in Normal; Nobody comes to meetings anyway"----FICTION

Well it has been pretty alarming---the prospect that with the swine flu getting more intense, we might all have to make severe adjustments to daily life----like going virtual, limiting public interaction, working from home on computer, teaching the kids via computer etc.

I just wondered how a fishing town like Normal, Mn. could survive in such an environment. How could the engines of government go on in a fishing town that was so low tech. I rang up Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend. He should know.

Herman just laughed.

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me). We'll do just fine up here in the northern tundra. All we really need is a fishing boat, some fish cleaning utinsils, some whiskey and we'll be jus fine......And besides...nobody goes to the governemental meetings anyway----see we are way ahead of the normal curve on this swine flu panic. Nothing ever happens at the meetings anyway----and it is planned that way. We like it just the way it is."

I never realized how leading edge ....backward...could be. It just worked out that way.

Dateline Normal, MN.: Normal faces budget crisis----boldly builds Ice Arena

Many cities in the Midwest have faced the budget tsunami lately. It has really been a shock to the positive forward looking folks that make graphs or operate retail stores. In my brief survey of cities facing crisis I did notice one EXCEPTION----and it was none other than Normal, MN.. I quickly called Herman, my old friend to be updated.

"Herman---why is it that from East to West in cities facing crisis, folks are turning to buiding ICE ARENAS as a solution to their financial woes? How does this compute?"

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh;

"Wolfman (that's what he always called me) you should know better, bein an ice hockey guy in youth, and more of a broomball nut with the guys in your teens----remember the New Years Eve parties with those spirited and hard hitting games of hockey?"

"During difficult times folks want to lash out, and nothing in the world is better than decking an opposing player into the boards---it is really the only legal method left---all the other methods, bullying, teasing, and lawsuits are either too expensive or illegal. Only a good cross check or check to the boards with emotion remains."

The more I thought about it, the more sensible it was. Maybe it is time for our town to build an ice arena.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Deaf and Dumb---and proud of it"----FICTION

Well today it was a little shocking---attending church in Normal, MN., with pastor Bob giving the gospel of the blind man, Lazarus, who as the Lord approached, called out---and the Lord spoke and told him to come forth. He did. He rose and approached and the Lord gave him sight and then Lazarus followed Him.

Pastor Bob mentioned that when one sees and hears, it changes ones life. Period.

I mentioned this to my old friend Herman, the country boy lawyer over coffee at Betty Lou's, where the coffee was always very strong, and presented in a Viking blue mug, with lots of whipped cream. Conversation was always animated after a stiff coffee at Betty Lou's. Herman did not attend church, so I thought I would pass the info from Church by him and get his opinion----kind of a second opinion.

After I recounted the sermon, Herman just paused:

"Well Pastor Bob is right I guess. In a way, we in Normal, Mn. plan accordingly----We do not want to SEE or HEAR, and are PROUD of it. We have no intention of changing ANYTHING."

WOW. I was stunned. To be deaf and dumb by design. I was at a loss for words.

"Normal, Mn. wants to secede---but they want a BAILOUT FIRST"----FICTION

Well it has been kinda sad. As I drove into Normal, Mn. last week, for the first time I noticed. For the first time I noticed. Normal, Mn. had been a town filled with pride, enthused with the upcoming fishing season, redneck proud of its Northern Pike Heritage Days, and had made it a regular custom to paint their older homes every 3 years or so, even if they didn't make any improvements.

Maybe it was just the setting sun, but for the first time I noticed that over the past two years or so, nobody has done a thing to paint or spruce up their homes---"these are tough times" I thought. "Folks are just hanging on."

It got even clearer over a few manhattens at the Hideaway Lounge that night---the guys were not only a little frustrated with their not keeping up with the painting, they were mad at not keeping up with everything else too---normally they had made it a custom in the fall to order the usual fleece firehose jeans and the matching work jackets that helped them make it through the winter---but not this year. This year they were makin do.

One of the more outspoken ones, Henry, spoke up:

"Shucks Wolfman (that's what they always called me) We'd like to secede from the Union. We're just sick n tired of bein sick and tired. But BEFORE we secede, we want to get a BAILOUT first. We just need to be debt free as a community in order to survive."

So there it is. I had headed up north to get away and relax and escape from those who wanted to secede, and lo and behold I landed smack dab in the middle of the same.

The more I thought of the bailout the more attractive it looked. And come to think of it, without some warm winter clothing this year, I can understand how these guys might want to secede. After all ya got to stay warm.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: " Local Retailers fire all employees due to absenteeism; Christmas Sales Plummet"----FICTION

Well it has been pretty shocking. The spread of the swine flu throughout Minnesota and Wisconsin. I thought I would be very, very safe by getting far away by heading up to Normal, MN., that town in the northern tundra, where people could hardly make a living, and thus it must be pretty tough on germs too. Anyway....I was wrong. The germs have done just fine....to the detriment of business.

It seems that local retailers had adopted the "new" personnel policies of total personnel professionals. In fact, these young young college grads with the latest of Darwinian moxie had learned of the new, fashionable "INCIDENT" based absenteeism and termination.

If an employee was absent, or for that matter, "tardy", or even maybe forgot to punch in on time, they were in grave danger. 10 INCIDENTS in one year meant automatic termination. Employees were terrified. What if one of their kids were sick and had a life threatening illness? The answer of the company was clear. Your company comes first. Take your choice, your income or your kids.

So there it was when the swine flu hit. All the stores closed. Never could get the employees to return. The citizens boycotted the stores for their inhumane policy, and yes....the national retailers went bust. It was not pretty.

Rarely can one learn from the small towns of the Northern tundra. But I relate this small matter...well...in just this one case....so that it might be instructive.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: "The Eternal Payback"-----Politicians get religious in recession--FICTION

As many of you know, prayer is not allowed in our nations schools. And prayer is usually not allowed in civic meetings, although on Memorial Day festivities there is usually a prayer right before the long speech venerating our war dead.

Consequently, I was totally shocked when I got to Normal, Mn this weekend, to find that the Normal, Mn. City Council has voted to name "Like a Prayer" by Madonna as the City themesong. It sure has been one of my favorites. Still.....it made me wonder.

Later last night at the Hideaway Lounge, where the "Castaways", a famous rock and roll band from my youth was playing live, I took the opportunity to ask Herman why a city would name "Like a Prayer"as a themesong.

Herman let our a huge bellylaugh:

"Shucks wolfman (that's what he always called me) up here, especially during these difficult economic times, any civic project does NOT work out by the numbers----in fact only maybe in 100 years will the dream projects of the locals come out financially, and then only because by that time nobody living can remember what the cost basis adjusted for inflation truly is----Up here in "God's Country" ya just got to BELIEVE----not in religion so much ....but just in an ETERNAL PAYBACK. There is NO payback in our lifetime."

It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin---where we have been living the eternal accounting game for a lot longer than Minnesota....and we are proud of it.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: New City Hall features "Reflection pool", canopy entrance--FICTION

Well it has been quite a shock. Driving into Normal, MN. today on my last getaway trip before the frozen tundra closes up for the winter, I drove past an elegant structure I had not seen before...and on the brick wall, just to the left of the Canopy entrance were the words, "Normal, Mn. City Hall." I slammed the brakes on and went inside for a quick tour. WOW what a beautiful facility...meeting rooms, kitchen facilities, and even a reflection pool outside. It was that reflection pool that puzzled me. I never remember the locals having much time for that up here in Normal, MN..

Just as soon as I got to Betty Lou's Coffee Shop, the one with the coffee so strong that no additional mocha was necessary, over a large blue Minnesota Viking cup with lots of whipped cream, I blurted it out.

"Since when did Normal, Mn. get a new City Hall?"

The entire coffee shop burst into laughter. Never in a hundred years could the locals have agreed to break their long standing reverence with history and built something new. However...it seem s that a local group had big plans and built a grandiose community center with a large donation...and well....they had a few rose colored glasses and ran out of money. The City took it over...pretty neat huh. What a way to get a million in equity just like that.

Anyway....the new City Hall is really nice. And the picture of those political types standing around the reflection pool just gives me the giggles.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Up a Crick, Down the River Estates" Opens---FICTION

Well it was quite a scene today in Normal, Mn----just as I was entering town via Hwy 65 north, I saw the sign: "Up a Crick...down the River Estates" comes to Normal, Mn."

Just as soon as I got to the Hideaway Lounge, I corraled Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend and blurted it right out.

"What's with the "up the crick" celebration I saw on the way into town?

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.

"Shucks Wolfman,( That's what he always called me)---the local developers have been arguing over that name for so long that they finally agreed to merge the concept---Up a crick as in creekside, and down the river, as in on the floodplain. This way everybody is happy."