Local Hospital President Explains Millions in Salary: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The local hospital titan from Normal,Mn announced in a startling press release that his current salary of three million dollars is NOT excessive when one considers that he is the head of 15 different shell organizations that the corporation has been split into---and he further reassured the locals that because he capitalizes his salary, it never affects patient costs---he treats it just like a building expense... And furthermore.....he is in charge of all accounting of the organization. NICE,

Local School DEMANDS explanation on why folks are leaving town: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

In an emotional school board meeting last night, the Normal, Mn. School Board, when informed about the plunging enrollment figures for next year, unanimously was outraged. One astute board member suggested that folks that were forced to leave town by any means, job transfer, elimination, or foreclosure etc be required to fill out a form under oath revealing the reasons for their leaving. "We demand more than silence" one board member moaned. "We do want the truth". Stay tuned as I follow this story. Folks from the frozen tundra are kinda guarded so I will have to dig for this story. Sometimes folks just say that they are seeking "greater challenges elsewhere."

"Attila the Hun Was Just Gettin Things Done": Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the press release from Normal, Mn. this morn, that "Attila the Hun", the famous fisherman from Normal, Mn, well he is really Attila the Hun Johnson, the famed bass fisherman from up in the frozen tundra parts, and he is a real killer in the fishing world....and no he is not killing fish from his perspective, he just sees it as culling the herd. He feels he is just "gettin things done," and ....the more he thinks about it, that is the way he sees the whole world,....just as a bunch of fish waiting to be culled. Nice.

"Paul Bunyan Pants" Suffer Setback: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Paul Bunyan Supply Store up in Normal, Mn. has suffered an odd tragedy this month, as thousands of the "tougher than tough" Paul Bunyan pants, pants designed to last for all time, have been plagued with a sudden tearing of the crotch upon exertion by the wearer. Customer Service hotlines at the local firm have been swamped as tougher than tough customers demand replacement, but it appears they are keeping the publicity low so as to not be embarassed by the happening...after all, it was embarassing enough out in the woods. Relax. The firm who made the pants has promised to replace them free of charge.

Doomsday Guru Prophet predicts: Tales From Normal,Mn: FICTION

A local bass fisherman, Norman, some call him "stormin Norman" has an uncanny ability to see the future---In fact, after predicting total economic collapse in 2001, 2002,2003,2004,2005,2006,2007,2008,2009,2010, and 2011, he is absolutely sure of the coming collapse in 2012, and has in fact written a short book....well, just a two page memo in truth, which predicts the unravelling in 2012. Some locals have said that Stormin Norman is just "off his medication", but others swear by his prophetic powers. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"Attila the Hun" disputes history books---urges revision: Tales from Normal, MN: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn;  "Attila the Hun" Johnson, famed fisherman of Normal, Mn has issued a press release in which he asserts that his namesake, Attila the Hun, did in fact NOT kill off thousands of jobs, but rather in a more positive light of several hundred years, Attila can be seen as improving the climate of economic development by improving the employment rate, which was darn near 100% when Attila got through with his downsizing. 

National politicians have taken note, and are studying this case for possible imitation.

Longtime Married Couple Enter into talks for more involved consultation: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Imitating the recent announcement that Dean Health System and St. Mary's Hospital are entering into a year long study on how to become more intimately involved....a local couple, Louie and Lorrie have announced that after 32 years of marriage they are also entering a period of more intense engagement now that their kids have left home. 

Citizens Shocked that Budget Cutbacks mean they will pay More: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Herman from Normal, MN. that local citizens there are walking around town dazed after the news was announced that city and school budget cuts will mean that they will have to pay more out of pocket costs.....They had thought that somebody else....anybody else....maybe somebody from some other town...... or well...maybe even Martians....would pay the shortfall....

Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"Normal, Mn. estimates decline in value at 1% last year." and other funny stories: Tales From Normal, Mn. FICTION

The mayor of Normal, Mn announced today from the steps of the brand spanking new Normal Nursing Home that housing valuation estimates for the past year have shown values declined an estimated 1%. 

This is wonderful news for all residents when one considers that the rest of the citizens of the United States have taken huge cuts to valuation.  The mayor attitbuted the holding of value to "positive thinking" and frequent use of yoga by the locals. 

The mayor also urged folks that were foreclosed and had to leave town, to at least write back once in a while and also to still subscribe to the local newspapers, and also to return here to drink for the fourth of July festivities.

Pizza, cheap wine and cheese curds go viral in Normal, Mn.: Fiction

It is hard to predict what goes viral.....but today pizza, cheap wine and cheese has instantly become the viral sensaation=====you have loved the holidays...you have done the math...you have made the adjustment......yo

Market for "Dollar Stores" skyrocket: FICTION

Recently in Normal, Mn., three additional dollar stores, or penny stores or some such have been created.  In an environment of declining employment, where half of America is in poverty, there is a surging demand for dollar stores....stay tuned. 

Local Editors Visualize what is News: Fiction

Recently in Normal, Mn, two distinguished editors of local newspapers met to lecture to the local community on what it is to cover and indeed make the "news".  The miracle about this presentation was that these news desks never in fact attend ANY meetings, and indeed NEVER have any video or audio to report....they just rely on emails from the respective organizations that TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED....NICE.....

Dateline Normal, Mn: Rich who pay no Taxes demand to pay less taxes: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. but am trying to understand how the rich seek to pay less...but it seems that that is the way it is. Stay tuned.

Normal, Mn. launches tasting of shots in local liquor stores--hopes to stimulate developments

Just got the text from Herman from Normal, Mn. that they have approved not only concealed carry so folks could carry their gun to the liquor store, but now they can taste up to three shots of liquor so that they can make an informed choice about their purchase. This is a new twist on economic development, and after a few shots, folks can hardly remember what any other type of economic development looked like.

President Obama proposes continuing cuts to Social Security funding source to......WHAT?

President Obama has proposed continuing the cut to the source of Social Security funding so that..... WHAT? it appears he supports the undermining of the retirement system just as President George Bush proposed a Medicare medical prescription benefit that was not properly funded...NICE.

Back to the Future 1776: Revolution Aborted when Freedom of Assembly requires Prepay of Police Costs

Just got the text from Normal,Mn today. Seems that the pundits there...upon reflection on historical events...redid the American Revolution and it came out differently====the British announced that the colonies had the right of assembly as long as they prepaid the police costs and filed a properly notorized assembly permit. This moment of revolutionary revision comes from the fantasy of Wisconsin history...stay tuned.

Developer Plans another 180 upscale park benches for Uptown Minneapolis: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. and one industrious reporter there that had visited Uptown area in Mpls last weekend.....seems Minneapolis is very sensitive to the growing demand for park benches for living accomodations, and is planning another 180 park upscale park benches for the Uptown area.

Relax. They will be upscale and on either end will be cupholders, that can contain beverages, or ....anything....and on the other side a trash container. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Jokesters assert "Weight Loss" or Cutting Budgets is just about "continuous improvement": Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn---it seems the "Billy Bob Academy of Dieting and Budgets" is urging folks to attend a seminar in which it is explained that no weight loss is necessary, and no budget cuts are necessary---all that is necessary is the right attitude. So far, enrollment for this seminar is skyrocketing. Folks like it. Stay tuned as I cover this story.

100 Yr. Old Town still unsure who they are after 25 "branding studies"--seek group therapy: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, MN.---they have just completed a comprehensive "branding study" for the community, but it appears that even though they have done this type of study 25 times in the past 100 years, they still are unsure who they are.....

A local pastor has suggested that the whole community seek group therapy.

I will keep you posted on the latest on their progress notes.

Activist Poor Meet to support Cain 999 Proposal--Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The political action group "Activist Poor who seek to Harm Themselves" will meet next week in Normal, Mn to develop new ways to help Republican party candidate Cain succeed with this 9-9-9 tax proposal. The whole idea of the poor solving all the problems that face America is so attractive to this group that they welcome all citizens to the meeting. Stay tuned for details.

Hearing Aid Society Holds Listening Session: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Normal, Mn. Hearing Aid Society held a listening session last week at the local community center. A delightful light lunch of subway sandwiches was offered along with oolong tea. Lots of folks spoke but few heard what was said, and no minutes were taken.

All agreed it was a fabulous success and another session is planned in six months.

National Retail Firm seeks "Out of the Box" Thinker: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today that a noted national retailer is seeking a web marketing manager who can think "outside the box" in developing its marketing web strategy....It says in the specs that in addition to a proven track record, the applicant must be able to punch in and out within the 7 minutes required, as well as master the 329 page training manual.

National Retail Firm that says they "Treat their Employees Like Family" Gets Charged in Class Action Case for Wage and Hour Violations: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the startling text today....a truly homegrown, midwest corporation that touted it's love of its employees, and asserted they treated all employees like " family" has been charged with Wage and Hour violations.

Until we get all the details, we will suspend judgment...but it kinda makes one wonder what their definition of "family" was.

Wall Street Rally Pending: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Wall Street opened down today on pessimism from Overseas markets during the night, and with the mention of China, France, Italy and Greece in a news story. Wall street pundits had hoped that only two countries would be mentioned--- but were disappointed and punished stocks.

Stocks rallied around 9:30 AM, as brokers were excited about the Starbucks special on Broad Street, that featured free whipped cream with all orders over five dollars.

As lunch approached and the old timers headed out for coctails, the market sensed a rally on the strength of the special two for one happy hour that had been expanded partly as a consolation for traders who have had to contend with the protesters loudly asserting that they are corrupt and greedy. Market watchers are hopeful that when the traders return from their liquid lunch, they will put a happy face on afternoon action.

Stay tuned for the latest.

Police Department Holds Focus Groups in Normal, Mn.: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The police department of Normal, Mn. has announced a month long series of focus groups to hear from the public their hopes and vision of the police future in Normal, Mn. as well as any concerns. Consult your local paper for the times and places. All focus group meetings will feature a three course meal. The Listening session will be preceded by an hour long presentation by our local police chief on the role of "community policing" in our local town.

In addition to the chief in attendance, two additonal officers will be present to display the most recent firearms available to the department, as well as the new Dodge Charger Police cars, complete with mag wheels. These mag wheels may need more frequent inflation in cold temperatures, but in the words of one officer, they are "cool" and bring the respect of speeders everywhere.

At the end of each focus group, the public will be allowed five minutes for questions.

President who says he has a photographic Memory can't remember WHERE he put the jobs: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well the press is touting all over America that the former President Clinton has a photographic memory---but the pundits of Normal, Mn. are bewildered---they wonder how the very President that sent all those jobs abroad by his agreements with NAFTA,....at the same time cannot remember what he did? The old guys from Normal, Mn think this may be early memory loss.

What do you think?

Conservatives Urge Poor to Sleep in their Cars to Save: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The leading conservative magazine from the northern tundra town of Normal, Mn. has published a broadside that urges the poor to sleep in their cars as a cost saving measure. In the long but somewhat rambling article, the conservative weekly noted that the budget was way over budget for park benches due to the demand for overnight accomodations, and hence the car sleeping idea came to the forefront in conservative minds as a remedy. Conservative talk show hosts cited the successful use in Texas as a precendent. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"Living More With Less" a citywide book read for October": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The august city council of Normal, MN. declared October 2011, "Living More With Less Month" and urged all citizens to read the book available in abundant supply at the local library. They declared that the philosophy in the book was very timely and indeed the recipies in the book were especially tasty.

Right after applauding the "Living More With Less" book, the Council moved unanimously to donate any excess of the city purchased books for the book read to the local Goodwill.

The City coucil then voted to raise taxes. No cuts to the proposed budgets were made.

Stay tuned as I follow the latest from Normal, Mn.

Normal Mn Community Center announces Breakthrough: Combined Health and Octoberfest Fair: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

In a breathtaking announcement today, the Community Center of Normal, Mn., a 501(3)c organization announced that to maximize efficiency, they have combined the annual Health Fair and the Octoberfest Celebration, and will make the celebration a day long event on October 10th at the new community center in Normal.

This breakthrough in efficiency will feature health screenings in the morning, followed by free pizza from Noon to closing from "Billy Bob's Pizza" the premium provider of Normal, Mn, and then also at very low special prices Billy Bob's favorite generic beer......

Bring the entire family...

Modern Touch Tone, Hands Free, Green Healthcare comes to Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today----pretty stunning news. Out of the supposedly backward northern tundra of Normal, Mn., comes the breathtaking new rollout of modern high tech healthcare----it will feature touch tone telephones that give the caller the option of: "Press one for appointments, Press two for clinical, Press 911 if this is a medical emergency, Press four if you are not sure if it is a medical emergency, Press five if you are reporting a death.

In addition to these modern conveniences, you will be able to access your physican via teleconference where the doctor can ask you questions and by using your computer video the physician can examine your health concerns. Hands free, totally green, and represented to save time and money.

Physician charges will be electronically debited from your checking account after each visit. How cool is that.


Stay tuned for further details as this brand new development happens...right in the backward tundra....just think of the magic if it came to your neighborhood.