Tales From Normal, Mn.--FICTION

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Tales from Normal, Mn. Headline News---FICTION

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Rich argue that it's not logical to tax the rich--need to tax those with no money: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn, the sleepy fishing town up in northern Minnesota, where all day every day, men wonder what the bass are hungry for.... Today, the breaking news is that conservative pundits at Betty Lou's coffee shop, the only coffee shop where everything is double caffeine, and where whipped cream comes standard in the blue tall Minnesota Viking coffee mugs, the pundits have loudly asserted that the poor or those with no money should pay more taxes and the rich should not be burdened with such things. They assert that the poor are just lazy, and if they were not lazy they would be rich and be benefited by paying no taxes...so a huge incentive there. ...and that is the American way.... Stay tuned.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Parents Protest School Homework: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Parents of school children of all ages picketed the Normal, Mn. School District office today to protest the proposed policy that children would be required to do homework from their classes. Previously the classes had always been divided up so that some of the instruction time was for completing homework. Over the years, the instructional time had been reduced to almost zero and hence the change. Parents were furious. One parent, Billy Bob, protested that first of all "Them math problems are too complicated for me to help my kids with," and besides "we have more important things to do at night, like watch basketball, and work on our cars." What a sight it was, with all the signs and chanting..One of the signs read: "No more Home wurk". I guess that says it all.

Oil Option Traders Blame Pres Obama for Oil Rise: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Oil speculators in Normal, Mn. were furious today at the recent rise in oil on the exchanges and in terse interviews blamed President Obama for his actions as the cause of the rise....without the rampant rise in oil prices put buyers had hoped to make a killing in the various complicated spread options they had put on, but now they face the prospect of not making a tremendous profit on their hedges and they blame the President. In related news, put buyers on the auto sector were furious that the auto industry has survived, and blamed the President for saving an industry that clearly was headed for the eve of destruction, and complained that they would have made a killing on their positions except for the actions of the government in saving autos. In related news, the politicians in Normal, Mn asserted that if only the unvarnished predatory instincts of market makers were realized then the true bloom of the original vision of the Founders of Democracy could flourish---and then, and only then could a few elite few emerge to lead this great nation, and they could be distinguished because they would only be paying 15% of their income in taxes and would be driving Cadillacs to show that they really do love America.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Students Major in "Study Hall" in Normal, Mn: Fiction

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that after a comprehensive five year study on the effect of the 4 period day in Normal, Mn, the distinguished group that performed the detailed study concluded that most of the high school graduates majored in "Study Hall" and also that it was very popular...popular because it reduced instructional time, which was nice for students and faculty alike.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

"Cheap Products Rock": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTON

In response to the growning scandal in Normal, Mn. that the largest computer manufacturer in Normal had not been ensuring that subcontractors be paid, they issued a press release today that they stood committed to the lowest possible pricing every day, and wanted to go slow in considering any action that might affect prices. Unemployed citizens that wanted to work for nothing were encouraged to call their toll free number to arrange an interview, or apply online. These non-paid positions were going quickly.

After Ships Sink Company decides to Emphasize Safety: Tales from Normal, Mn: FICTION

In a shocking announcement today, the largest cruise line company located in Normal, Mn announced that they will consider seriously placing Safety as their highest concern in the future. On further questioning they did not indicate where safety had ranked in previous endeavors.

Computer Giant Explains Jobs Created: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

A leading computer manufacturer today proclaimed that they have created over five thousand jobs last year, and explained that the number would have been 500,000 except that they did not count the employees that they did not pay because independent contractors had stiffed these employees of their wages. In related news, the University of Wisconsin Chancellor said he stood firmly for human rights, except in some cases where money was involved, and wanted to go slowly in the matter of the Addidas contract where many employees had not been paid---in fact almost 1.5 million dollars worth of wages...and In related news, the University of Wisconsin has said that its alumni "felt comfortable" in providing alcohol to underage athletes, a press announcement that was ignored since the whole nation already knew this breaking news.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Sunglasses Sales Skyrocket On Wall Street: Tales From Normal, Mn; FICTION

It's a sunny Sunday on Wall Street---I just got a text from Herman who is on vacation in New York this weekend---he says that almost every paper he reads has touted that everything is sunny indeed, and in fact, the recent Barrons magazine has a headline that says the stock market is the "little engine that could." NICE.

Normal, Mn. advertises for "Contraction Specialist": Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn that they have formally advertised nationwide for a "Contraction Specialist" to guide the esteemed resort community as they face decline in tax base and difficulty in finances. In a press release, the city has explained that there is a nationwide glut in positive thinking optimists who have never actually "contracted" anything, but have resumes filled with expanding positive spending strategies that are not appropriate for Normal, Mn.. One of the paragraphs of the advertisement of Normal, Mn. struck my eye. "Applicant who has failed at a business enterprise Preferred..Must show experience rebounding from setback...Details required..