This morning, Easter Sunday, I got a surprise text message from Normal, Mn.---yes you guessed it from my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer, who double dipped as a lawyer specializing in trusts and estates and also was president of the Normal, Mn. School Board-----
The text message was terse----"US Navy seeks PIRATE negotiator---experience required--urgent need to avoid surrender by US Fleet".
I called immediately. Finally someone sought my expertise----
I wanted to share the requirements with you in case you know someone locally that would be a good fit for this position:::::::
Applicants must be tough as nails, have good verbal ability, and have the skill of thinking outside of the box----in fact thinking and talking while standing in a small dingey would be good.
Evidence of prior felonies a plus---with special weight given to large swindles, even larger than petty financial crimes. No stockbrokers can apply for this position, nor civil servants.
Applicants must be willing to accept payment in an offshore account in small denominated bills and the payment will be considered tax free by signed agreement.
Strong patriots are preferred since it would be terrible if the US Navy surrendered to a few PIRATES.
It would be preferable that applicant has viewed all the videos of WWII and the Battleship Enterprise 360 series and is familiar with the proud traditon of the US Navy.
If you know someone that would be a good applicant, send their name to The Evansville Observer @fre2observer@yahoo.com ..All replies confidential.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
BREAKING: Energy Fair Comes to Normal, Mn.: Special parking lot for SUV's Featured----
As a special visitor friendly feature, the site of the new Normal, Mn. Energy Fair celebration will feature a brand spanking new parking lot designed especially for SUV's. There will even be special spaces for HUMMERS.
More when I get the details. I am so excited.
More when I get the details. I am so excited.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Herman writes: The Top 10 Reasons not to raise taxes on the rich or close tax loopholes--FICTION
(Ed.note; Here is a note that Herman sent to me recently regarding the Top Ten reasons why we cannot tax folks who make over $250,000 and why we cannot close any tax loopholes such as secret off shore accounts. Enjoy. )
10) We cannot eliminate tax cheats because....they are some of our most patriotic citizens.
9) If we eliminate the tax advantaged investments, we would also have the effect of eliminating the armani suited lawyers who are required to give advice regarding them, or more precisely, give clients a call back after researching pertinent cases at $300 per hour.
8) If all offshore tax havens were eliminated, there would be an adverse effect on Bahamian real estate---who would replace all those tenants in the houses in the brothel district.
7) A rising tide lifts all yachts. If the rich cannot have a yacht as a second home or primary commercial location, there would result in a terrible surplus of yachts. Oh---I forgot. There already is a terrible surplus.
6) If we eliminated all the complicated tax deductions for high end tax payers and corporations----corporations might have to pay some taxes-----this would have the terrible effect of reducing employment because everybody knows that employers only hire staff from the money they get from illegal tax havens.
5) If corporations had to pay taxes, they would not be able to send junkets to Vegas---this would have a terrible effect on real estate there. And the casinos would change the gambling ratios that would make it less profitable for all to gamble.
4) If the rich could not get huge tax deductions for charity, what would become of social society in New York---who would people gossip about.
3) If the rich did not get tax deductions for charity, mostly the poor would be the major contributors---oh...I forgot---that's the way it is right now.
2) If the ultra rich had to pay taxes, less would trickle down to the poor folk.
1) If the ultra rich had to pay taxes, the United States might actually become progressive rather than just talking the talk.
10) We cannot eliminate tax cheats because....they are some of our most patriotic citizens.
9) If we eliminate the tax advantaged investments, we would also have the effect of eliminating the armani suited lawyers who are required to give advice regarding them, or more precisely, give clients a call back after researching pertinent cases at $300 per hour.
8) If all offshore tax havens were eliminated, there would be an adverse effect on Bahamian real estate---who would replace all those tenants in the houses in the brothel district.
7) A rising tide lifts all yachts. If the rich cannot have a yacht as a second home or primary commercial location, there would result in a terrible surplus of yachts. Oh---I forgot. There already is a terrible surplus.
6) If we eliminated all the complicated tax deductions for high end tax payers and corporations----corporations might have to pay some taxes-----this would have the terrible effect of reducing employment because everybody knows that employers only hire staff from the money they get from illegal tax havens.
5) If corporations had to pay taxes, they would not be able to send junkets to Vegas---this would have a terrible effect on real estate there. And the casinos would change the gambling ratios that would make it less profitable for all to gamble.
4) If the rich could not get huge tax deductions for charity, what would become of social society in New York---who would people gossip about.
3) If the rich did not get tax deductions for charity, mostly the poor would be the major contributors---oh...I forgot---that's the way it is right now.
2) If the ultra rich had to pay taxes, less would trickle down to the poor folk.
1) If the ultra rich had to pay taxes, the United States might actually become progressive rather than just talking the talk.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "The MoneyChangers in the Temple---the new version----FICTION
Last week during spring break, rather than head south to Mexico with certain members of the family, mostly because I lacked the armored car necessary.....I headed up that long and winding road to Normal, Mn., where I could be certain that the special rooms at the Spruce Goose Motel, the ones with the pull down king size beds and the stuffed bears on the walls and yes....the mini-dove bars in the ash trays to add just a spark of upscale cache....that these rooms would be reserved on just a phone call from me.
Anyway---I did something pretty unusual on Sunday morn and went to the local church---the Church of the Loaves and Fishes---for the standard 10:00 am church service. Pastor Bob was in great form this Sunday, and the Gospel reading was the story of how the Lord drove the Money Changers out of the Temple. One of my favorites.
Father Bob began by noting that this was an unsual sermon, since the Lord actually got angry---and for modern folks it almost seemed that He might need some anger managment classes to get back in control. After all, in throwing out the money changers from the temple, He seemed to violate several key principles of the current Normal School District about sharing concerns, peaceful behavior, etc, and besides arguing with the money class, in any age, is very hazardous to the enterprise.
Right in the middle of the sermon, Father Bob paused. He said, "Some of our current politicians, and indeed our President, have said that "We cannot rule from ANGER"....and the current fashion is that the correct policy is to make deals with the moneychagers---or tax them at 90% of the bonuses, or maybe do nothing because we have to honor the sanctity of their contracts.....or change the story every day till the common citizen wonders what the question was......this is the modern fashion....."
Immediately the whole congregation of the Church of the Loaves and Fishes got REAL quiet.
Pastor Bob went on:
"It is important to understand WHY the Lord threw the moneychangers out of the Temple---the moneychangers greeted the villagers who came with gifts by first rejecting their animals as not appropriate, nor their coin as appropriate, and then selling them pidgeons and doves at inflated prices and giving them "special currency" that gouged them and was ...well....a total ripoff. The moneychangers devalued real, honest folk and the products of their honest labor, and substituted fake and fraudlent currency and gifts---does this sound familiar?"
The congregation was stunned. Then he went on:
" One can rule with JUSTICE. JUSTICE and ANGER are different."
Then Pastor Bob spent quite a while reviewing GOOD justice from mere anger.
So there it is. The congregation was quite a buzz. And all the while as I drove back to good old Wisconisn, I just wondered what I would have done. Would I have driven them out also, or would I have tried to cut a deal with them, maybe a real attractive deal where I had them finance most of the toxic stuff, or maybe even finance a sewage treatment plant....it got all mixed up in the dream of mine....Anyway...I will leave it up to you....what would you have done?
Anyway---I did something pretty unusual on Sunday morn and went to the local church---the Church of the Loaves and Fishes---for the standard 10:00 am church service. Pastor Bob was in great form this Sunday, and the Gospel reading was the story of how the Lord drove the Money Changers out of the Temple. One of my favorites.
Father Bob began by noting that this was an unsual sermon, since the Lord actually got angry---and for modern folks it almost seemed that He might need some anger managment classes to get back in control. After all, in throwing out the money changers from the temple, He seemed to violate several key principles of the current Normal School District about sharing concerns, peaceful behavior, etc, and besides arguing with the money class, in any age, is very hazardous to the enterprise.
Right in the middle of the sermon, Father Bob paused. He said, "Some of our current politicians, and indeed our President, have said that "We cannot rule from ANGER"....and the current fashion is that the correct policy is to make deals with the moneychagers---or tax them at 90% of the bonuses, or maybe do nothing because we have to honor the sanctity of their contracts.....or change the story every day till the common citizen wonders what the question was......this is the modern fashion....."
Immediately the whole congregation of the Church of the Loaves and Fishes got REAL quiet.
Pastor Bob went on:
"It is important to understand WHY the Lord threw the moneychangers out of the Temple---the moneychangers greeted the villagers who came with gifts by first rejecting their animals as not appropriate, nor their coin as appropriate, and then selling them pidgeons and doves at inflated prices and giving them "special currency" that gouged them and was ...well....a total ripoff. The moneychangers devalued real, honest folk and the products of their honest labor, and substituted fake and fraudlent currency and gifts---does this sound familiar?"
The congregation was stunned. Then he went on:
" One can rule with JUSTICE. JUSTICE and ANGER are different."
Then Pastor Bob spent quite a while reviewing GOOD justice from mere anger.
So there it is. The congregation was quite a buzz. And all the while as I drove back to good old Wisconisn, I just wondered what I would have done. Would I have driven them out also, or would I have tried to cut a deal with them, maybe a real attractive deal where I had them finance most of the toxic stuff, or maybe even finance a sewage treatment plant....it got all mixed up in the dream of mine....Anyway...I will leave it up to you....what would you have done?
Friday, March 13, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn: "School for Everyone---Seniors gamble with DNR Money----Reversal is just fair play--FICTION
Well. It has been a pretty amazing week for news. President Obama has chided the news media for the short attention span of the news -----and says we need to take a longer view. Says that K-12 education in American has deeply failed us. Some states have the educational attainment of a third world country.
After pausing for a moment to catch his breath----the President then said we should expand that failure into pre-school by adding universal 4k---It seems that those who are currently participating in pre-school, and that is most children----are unfairly discriminating against those who are experiencing substandard education....and thus to be ....FAIR....everyone must get the same substandard eduation.....HUH?
Made one wonder. And when I wonder...which is often these days....I just give my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. a call----He's a countryboy lawyer...he should know.
I wasted no time:
"Herman---what do you make of all this education improvement stuff?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh----
"Shucks, Wolfman( that's what he always called me) do not be confused by all the rhetoric. One must have a sense of humor---most of the talk is just bull...
Up in Normal, we have taken a LARGER view. We have mandated the enrollment of all citizens from birth to death in our school system----and the result has been revolutionary----PRESTO We have doubled our revenue through state reimbursement. It sure is neat!!!!!!
"But...but...what courses could the seniors take?' I wondered.
"It is real simple," Herman went on. "The seniors take yoga theory or water aerobics etc and the most popular course is "Probability theory and gambling---with sidetrips to the casinos for workshops on the subject. In fact, through special grants from the DNR there has been enough money so seniors can gamble free."
"What?". The DNR funding gambling? How in the world could that be justified?"
Herman just smiled.
"They already are funding such stuff. Video equipment etc. It was just a hop skip and a jump to allow full scale gambling. "
What a shock. EVERYONE in school.
Still. The more I thought of it. And being an advocate of education and all. And not being able to gamble on my own. Yes. it sure looked attractive. And why should the big boys gamble with senior invested funds, when the seniors could reverse the game and gamble with theirs. It was just simple justice.
After pausing for a moment to catch his breath----the President then said we should expand that failure into pre-school by adding universal 4k---It seems that those who are currently participating in pre-school, and that is most children----are unfairly discriminating against those who are experiencing substandard education....and thus to be ....FAIR....everyone must get the same substandard eduation.....HUH?
Made one wonder. And when I wonder...which is often these days....I just give my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. a call----He's a countryboy lawyer...he should know.
I wasted no time:
"Herman---what do you make of all this education improvement stuff?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh----
"Shucks, Wolfman( that's what he always called me) do not be confused by all the rhetoric. One must have a sense of humor---most of the talk is just bull...
Up in Normal, we have taken a LARGER view. We have mandated the enrollment of all citizens from birth to death in our school system----and the result has been revolutionary----PRESTO We have doubled our revenue through state reimbursement. It sure is neat!!!!!!
"But...but...what courses could the seniors take?' I wondered.
"It is real simple," Herman went on. "The seniors take yoga theory or water aerobics etc and the most popular course is "Probability theory and gambling---with sidetrips to the casinos for workshops on the subject. In fact, through special grants from the DNR there has been enough money so seniors can gamble free."
"What?". The DNR funding gambling? How in the world could that be justified?"
Herman just smiled.
"They already are funding such stuff. Video equipment etc. It was just a hop skip and a jump to allow full scale gambling. "
What a shock. EVERYONE in school.
Still. The more I thought of it. And being an advocate of education and all. And not being able to gamble on my own. Yes. it sure looked attractive. And why should the big boys gamble with senior invested funds, when the seniors could reverse the game and gamble with theirs. It was just simple justice.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "The End Around"-----FICTION
Some months ago, midst the public hearings on the wind turbine ordinance for a local community, in the middle of the night, some high powered folks, armani suited I presume, came on the Observer late at night to listen to the tapes of the proceedings----checking them out, I found out they were a high powered, expensive public relations firm from out east....and that made me wonder.....Shortly thereafter, nobody from the pro turbine in the city with short setback people appeared at any public meetings.
I picked up the phone and dialed my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn.. He had beaten the armani suits many times. He would know what was up.
"Herman, what could be happening. I just do not understand".
Herman let out a huge belly laugh.
"Wolfman (that's what he always called me)----when the big boys are beaten, they always go for the "End Around Play"-----It's a simple play that every school child knows. The way the big boys play it, they just stop talking with the public, and bring the money----after all----buying the big boys is always cheaper than winning in the public forum."
"WOW"---I exclaimed.
Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin. Where the folks wear denim and not armani.
I picked up the phone and dialed my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn.. He had beaten the armani suits many times. He would know what was up.
"Herman, what could be happening. I just do not understand".
Herman let out a huge belly laugh.
"Wolfman (that's what he always called me)----when the big boys are beaten, they always go for the "End Around Play"-----It's a simple play that every school child knows. The way the big boys play it, they just stop talking with the public, and bring the money----after all----buying the big boys is always cheaper than winning in the public forum."
"WOW"---I exclaimed.
Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin. Where the folks wear denim and not armani.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Normal Senior Fitness Center eliminates bathrooms, fitness area; Adds Flyfishing room---FICTION
Well it sure has been an interesting week....with the local planning commission in our fair city being presented with a proposal to eliminate several bathrooms, and the fitness area of the proposed senior/community center and instead build an area for carpentry. I just wondered....and as I do when I wonder....I just picked up the phone and called my friend, Herman, in Normal, Mn. He's a lawyer. He should know.
After I told him the latest, Herman just broke out in a huge bellylaugh:
"Shucks Wolfman (that's what he always called me) that's nothing. Up here in Normal, Mn., we cut out all the bathrooms and the fitness area and substituted a flyfishing room. Let's face it. The guys up here love fishing, and flyfishing requires some art in the hook design, and the guys just love gathering to do the their art. The design planners felt the guys could pee anywhere---and besides the filling station next door obliged since when the guys went next door they always bought snacks. It was a real win--win public-private-very private partnership.
In fact it got even better. A well known drug firm, that wanted to promote its pill to control BPH, offered a special grant for medication freebies so that the seniors could achieve better bladder control. "
I was dumbstruck.
"Ya mean everyone goes next door to the gas station to use the restroom?"
"YUP" Herman replied. "After all. These are times to cut back. And bladder control was one area that we thought we could make a difference. Well. It is true hat some of the guys with wheel chairs can't deal with it....but then they could not fly fish anyway. So it all works out. We think it is real visionary."
It sure is good to be back home in good old Wisconsin. Where flyfishing is not so big. And where we occasionaly have bathrooms rather than run next door to the gas station.
After I told him the latest, Herman just broke out in a huge bellylaugh:
"Shucks Wolfman (that's what he always called me) that's nothing. Up here in Normal, Mn., we cut out all the bathrooms and the fitness area and substituted a flyfishing room. Let's face it. The guys up here love fishing, and flyfishing requires some art in the hook design, and the guys just love gathering to do the their art. The design planners felt the guys could pee anywhere---and besides the filling station next door obliged since when the guys went next door they always bought snacks. It was a real win--win public-private-very private partnership.
In fact it got even better. A well known drug firm, that wanted to promote its pill to control BPH, offered a special grant for medication freebies so that the seniors could achieve better bladder control. "
I was dumbstruck.
"Ya mean everyone goes next door to the gas station to use the restroom?"
"YUP" Herman replied. "After all. These are times to cut back. And bladder control was one area that we thought we could make a difference. Well. It is true hat some of the guys with wheel chairs can't deal with it....but then they could not fly fish anyway. So it all works out. We think it is real visionary."
It sure is good to be back home in good old Wisconsin. Where flyfishing is not so big. And where we occasionaly have bathrooms rather than run next door to the gas station.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Energy Team Meets--Vows to do less ....to save energy"-----FICTION
Well it has been a strange week---an entire nation has been discussing how to save energy---and some very creative ideas have surfaced. I have been on location all week working on a series of stories of how walkable neighborhoods look when they become foreclosed----and the assignment has been a wonderful look of how the concept of community has been developed, developed, and developed as a branding concept and has reinforced the notion that if it is an empty bucket with nothing more---bad things happen.
It was sunny, warm, and I was strolling the beach as all of southern Florida was on pins and needles waiting for those wild and crazy spring break college students to appear with all their depravity.....and money.....and to begin puking their guts out....getting cited for all sorts of violations that could fill local law enforcement coffers to the top----the question was would they come. What if they decided not to drink this year? WOW. It was a very tense time on the beach.
In times like these, I always pick up the phone and consult with my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn.; after all, Herman was a lawyer. He should have some thoughts on this issue.
"Herman, what is the deal? All of Florida is hoping booze will save them from the economic downturn---they call it "tough times." In fact---there are laws on the books that prohibit owners from putting "for sale" signs up. It might ruin the atmosphere of prosperity......
Herman laughed with a huge bellylaugh.
"Shucks wolfman( that's what he always called me)-----folks have a lot of crazy ideas on how to save money. Down in the South they are hoping that the booze in spring break will save them. Up here in the north, in God's country, the consensus is that if our leaders do less, expend less energy, more will be accomplished. After all, freedom is what results when government is minimized---and doin less qualifies----so every level of government has vowed to do less, drive slower, read with smaller light bulbs, shuffle more and run less----so far we are on target. "
""WOW"", I gasped.
"There really is a big difference between North and South. Real crazy..but different. Thanks Herman. "
"
"
It was sunny, warm, and I was strolling the beach as all of southern Florida was on pins and needles waiting for those wild and crazy spring break college students to appear with all their depravity.....and money.....and to begin puking their guts out....getting cited for all sorts of violations that could fill local law enforcement coffers to the top----the question was would they come. What if they decided not to drink this year? WOW. It was a very tense time on the beach.
In times like these, I always pick up the phone and consult with my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn.; after all, Herman was a lawyer. He should have some thoughts on this issue.
"Herman, what is the deal? All of Florida is hoping booze will save them from the economic downturn---they call it "tough times." In fact---there are laws on the books that prohibit owners from putting "for sale" signs up. It might ruin the atmosphere of prosperity......
Herman laughed with a huge bellylaugh.
"Shucks wolfman( that's what he always called me)-----folks have a lot of crazy ideas on how to save money. Down in the South they are hoping that the booze in spring break will save them. Up here in the north, in God's country, the consensus is that if our leaders do less, expend less energy, more will be accomplished. After all, freedom is what results when government is minimized---and doin less qualifies----so every level of government has vowed to do less, drive slower, read with smaller light bulbs, shuffle more and run less----so far we are on target. "
""WOW"", I gasped.
"There really is a big difference between North and South. Real crazy..but different. Thanks Herman. "
"
"
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Cost of shovels skyrockets in Normal, Mn."----FICTION
Well the pace of the news has really picked up. I just heard that there was a panic buying episode up in Normal, Mn. for shovels----seems that when all the folks heard that our President has called for "shovel ready" projects----every man, woman, and child who owned a shovel thought that the leader of our fair country was speaking directly of them----and wanting to be responsive, thought they would stock up on shovels in case that the entire stimulus program of 700 Billion or so would be directed to filling potholes----
Wanting to clarify---I just picked up the phone and called my old friend, Herman, the country boy lawyer in Normal.
"Herman---what is the deal with the panic buying of shovels?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"Shucks Wolfman---the shovel play is simply perfect. In times of crisis, folks want to dig, dig, and dig just like little kids would when they were young, and in the converse up in the Northern tundra, we have a deep need to fill pot holes---a year round project. We are always "shovel ready". Thus the folks in Normal, Mn. thought Pres Obama was talking to them directly. \'
"Do you mean to say that digging and filling up potholes is the total national recovery program?"
"YUP", Herman chortled. "If the FILLIN don't cure the problem.....the DIGGIN might. It is a compete circle of life program----or circle of Federal debt program. We sure are excited. We patterned the program as a 7 step program after AAAA. First ya recover and then ya relapse. First ya dig and then ya fill. It sure works neat. "
Wow. Who wudda thunk a national recovery program could have been so simple.
Wanting to clarify---I just picked up the phone and called my old friend, Herman, the country boy lawyer in Normal.
"Herman---what is the deal with the panic buying of shovels?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"Shucks Wolfman---the shovel play is simply perfect. In times of crisis, folks want to dig, dig, and dig just like little kids would when they were young, and in the converse up in the Northern tundra, we have a deep need to fill pot holes---a year round project. We are always "shovel ready". Thus the folks in Normal, Mn. thought Pres Obama was talking to them directly. \'
"Do you mean to say that digging and filling up potholes is the total national recovery program?"
"YUP", Herman chortled. "If the FILLIN don't cure the problem.....the DIGGIN might. It is a compete circle of life program----or circle of Federal debt program. We sure are excited. We patterned the program as a 7 step program after AAAA. First ya recover and then ya relapse. First ya dig and then ya fill. It sure works neat. "
Wow. Who wudda thunk a national recovery program could have been so simple.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "For Fish and for Felons---It's Catch and Release"---FICTION
I was reading lately that many local jurisdictions have eliminated the jail confinement fee as a way of cutting municipal waste and creating a more efficient government process---I just wondered about that. Should we simply eliminate jail altogether as a cost cutting move?
When I wonder such things, I always call my old friend Herman from Normal, Mn.. He is a lawyer. He should know.
"Herman, what is the deal with eliminating any municipal fees for confining felons?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh'
"Shucks Wolfman, (that's what always called me.) You are just too old fashioned. Nowadays, life is just too fast paced for anyone to be confined for anything. It's just like the fish regulations up here. It is all "Catch and Release." It makes things real simple......Besides....all the fish have so much mercury that we cannot consume them anyway. It would be a safety hazard."
"Catch and release seems to be the real natural way in God's country."
When I wonder such things, I always call my old friend Herman from Normal, Mn.. He is a lawyer. He should know.
"Herman, what is the deal with eliminating any municipal fees for confining felons?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh'
"Shucks Wolfman, (that's what always called me.) You are just too old fashioned. Nowadays, life is just too fast paced for anyone to be confined for anything. It's just like the fish regulations up here. It is all "Catch and Release." It makes things real simple......Besides....all the fish have so much mercury that we cannot consume them anyway. It would be a safety hazard."
"Catch and release seems to be the real natural way in God's country."
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "How to Spend in Good times; And How to Spend LOTS more in CRISIS times in order to serve the people"---the Play----FICTION
Well it has been a real long stretch of gloomy news----and in honor of the weather warming up from below zero, I have made a special exception to my normal rule of never going to Minnesota during the period from November to March, and have accepted the generous invitation of the Ladies Civic League of Normal to attend the grand opening of the Normal Community Theare 2009 Season which is featuring the legendary comedy, "How to spend in Good Times and How to spend LOTS more in CRISIS times in order to better serve the people."
Relax. I will bring you a full report when I return.
Relax. I will bring you a full report when I return.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Dateline Normal: "Generalized Hope is not an ACTION plan"-----FICTION
Recently, about a month ago, an international religious figure mentioned that as a practical and existential matter when faith is gone....everything else is pretty much toast. Faith is the building block.
In his religious garb, the concept was riduculed a bit--however....when bankers have ratios of 20 or 30 or 100 to ONE as a ratio of capital to debt....faith is surely important, even if it is deluded hope=====
I just wondered whether hope could be a total action plan---and I knew just who to call---Herman in Normal, Mn.. He was a lawyer. He should know. About despair. About lawsuits. and of course--about the inverse....hope.
"Herman, what is the deal. We are being told that "HOPE is a total action plan. Just send the money and everything will be better. What is your read up in Normal, Mn?"
Herman let out a huge belly laugh-----"Shucks Wolfman. FAITH, HOPE and LOVE make the world go around---but to make sure that those three items work properly---REGULATION is important. Up here in Normal, Mn. , we know that PROFESSIONALS are called to be more than PREDATORS---and that just as back in the 60"s they were servants of the public trust---THAT is precisely what the current crisis is calling them to be once again. The only problem is that they are USING the crisis to be SUPER predators. They just do not get it. HOPE is not an effective plan. It needs a BIG STICK----like the one Harry Truman wielded in the aftermath of WWII in prosecuting the war profiteers---we now need the fear of GOD to prosecute the war profiteers over the past 8 years. "
Well. I was just stunned.
"Thanks Herman."
In his religious garb, the concept was riduculed a bit--however....when bankers have ratios of 20 or 30 or 100 to ONE as a ratio of capital to debt....faith is surely important, even if it is deluded hope=====
I just wondered whether hope could be a total action plan---and I knew just who to call---Herman in Normal, Mn.. He was a lawyer. He should know. About despair. About lawsuits. and of course--about the inverse....hope.
"Herman, what is the deal. We are being told that "HOPE is a total action plan. Just send the money and everything will be better. What is your read up in Normal, Mn?"
Herman let out a huge belly laugh-----"Shucks Wolfman. FAITH, HOPE and LOVE make the world go around---but to make sure that those three items work properly---REGULATION is important. Up here in Normal, Mn. , we know that PROFESSIONALS are called to be more than PREDATORS---and that just as back in the 60"s they were servants of the public trust---THAT is precisely what the current crisis is calling them to be once again. The only problem is that they are USING the crisis to be SUPER predators. They just do not get it. HOPE is not an effective plan. It needs a BIG STICK----like the one Harry Truman wielded in the aftermath of WWII in prosecuting the war profiteers---we now need the fear of GOD to prosecute the war profiteers over the past 8 years. "
Well. I was just stunned.
"Thanks Herman."
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn; "Saving More by Spending More-; Losing Weight by Eating More----" FICTION
Recently I have been working in sales taking orders for a national firm---it has been fun and I have watched as folks order more and more to get free shipping offers, or in general just buy more and more merchandise made in foreign countries---there are some wonderful items yes....but I have noticed a certain type of customer that is simply addicted to deals, deals and deals---and I get the idea that they might confuse volume of purchase with saving....
This reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my daughters that went to visit Italy---she wrote that she had to throw out all of her bulky "xxx" clothes and buy just one or two high quality items of clothing to wear for outings, since that was the fashion in Italy----quality of merchandise mattered.
Anyway---I just wondered about the whole concept of "saving." So---I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman from Normal, Mn.---he was a lawyer. He should know.
'What ever happened to the concept of saving, Herman?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"Wolfman,(that's what he always called me) the whole concept of saving...and in fact "self control" has simply vanished----We have in fact become a nation of overconsumption---why if I was to market a line of clothing, I would call it www.3xl.com . The whole nation has gone beserk on consumption. Food, entertainment....well...everything.....There is just an essential imbalance. If a person is out of shape, eat more. If a state is out of budget balance....borrow more....It is a spirit of cando----borrow and deny. Never give up. It sounds like a pirate slogan. Kind of a slogan of the punk pirates.....When will it end? "
"Yes Herman, that is a good question. "
This reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my daughters that went to visit Italy---she wrote that she had to throw out all of her bulky "xxx" clothes and buy just one or two high quality items of clothing to wear for outings, since that was the fashion in Italy----quality of merchandise mattered.
Anyway---I just wondered about the whole concept of "saving." So---I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman from Normal, Mn.---he was a lawyer. He should know.
'What ever happened to the concept of saving, Herman?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"Wolfman,(that's what he always called me) the whole concept of saving...and in fact "self control" has simply vanished----We have in fact become a nation of overconsumption---why if I was to market a line of clothing, I would call it www.3xl.com . The whole nation has gone beserk on consumption. Food, entertainment....well...everything.....There is just an essential imbalance. If a person is out of shape, eat more. If a state is out of budget balance....borrow more....It is a spirit of cando----borrow and deny. Never give up. It sounds like a pirate slogan. Kind of a slogan of the punk pirates.....When will it end? "
"Yes Herman, that is a good question. "
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: DNR funds audio-video high tech Normal Fire Station---FICTION
Well last week something pretty unusual happened in Normal, Mn.. I got the call from Herman, the local country boy lawyer friend, who alerted me to the spectacular happening---the State of Minnesota DNR awarded the local Normal, Mn. firestation a large grant so that the new five bay Normal, Mn. fire station could be totally up to international code for audio video interface with potential terrorist threats nationwide----
Herman was just breathless with excitement.
"It has been just a wonderful thing" Herman gushed. "Ya got to understand that with all the other things happening up here in Normal, with the fishing, the recreational focus, there is a premium on firefighters that want to spend the weekend cooped up in a fire station waiting for a fire to break out. The state of the art video system is a fine way for the staff to be fully trained, and...well...retrained in the possible threats that might develop----in fact the guys have been watching the entire Bourne movie series just imagining what possible complicated threats that might come to Normal someday. The guys just love it. Movies, Movies, Movies.....the weekend just flies........"
"But Herman" I interjected, "the last time I checked ya just had two (2) fires last year. Why all the extensive infrastructure improvements for Normal, MN?
"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me,) Fire is a growth industry. Besides, remember the old Smokey the Bear commercial? Ya got to be PREPARED. And we are---we got the movies to prove it."
WOW. What a happening. Maybe something like this can come to Wisconsin someday. it sure is good to be back home.
Herman was just breathless with excitement.
"It has been just a wonderful thing" Herman gushed. "Ya got to understand that with all the other things happening up here in Normal, with the fishing, the recreational focus, there is a premium on firefighters that want to spend the weekend cooped up in a fire station waiting for a fire to break out. The state of the art video system is a fine way for the staff to be fully trained, and...well...retrained in the possible threats that might develop----in fact the guys have been watching the entire Bourne movie series just imagining what possible complicated threats that might come to Normal someday. The guys just love it. Movies, Movies, Movies.....the weekend just flies........"
"But Herman" I interjected, "the last time I checked ya just had two (2) fires last year. Why all the extensive infrastructure improvements for Normal, MN?
"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me,) Fire is a growth industry. Besides, remember the old Smokey the Bear commercial? Ya got to be PREPARED. And we are---we got the movies to prove it."
WOW. What a happening. Maybe something like this can come to Wisconsin someday. it sure is good to be back home.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Dateline Normal, Mn.: " Bailout Breakthrough----Send me the money"----FICTION
Well it has been pretty stunning---the wide range of proposals all across the United States by all age groups for how to avert disaster. Yet with all the proposals, with all the diversity of point of origin----the theme has been the same. Send me the Money.
Whenever I wonder about such things, which has been more often lately, I just give my old friend, Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn. a call----he is in God's country, and is a lawyer....He must know.
So I just blurted it out:
"Herman, how is it that folks think that our brand new President will send them all the money for the bailout----what is your take on this?
"Shucks Wolfman,(that's what he always calls me) in the real world, the first thing about deliverance it that it begins at home. Whether it is the Ponzi scheme of Madoff or the bailout nationally, there is the impulse to send the checks to relatives and friends first. It is just natural. After all, folks that are not related..... are nice folks and all....but... they don't need anything more than a friendly wave----up here in the tundra we call it the "Howdy wave." Ya give folks the finger wave from the car, the cheerleaderwave on the street that gives the necessary recognition----but it all ends with the money----money we just send to the relatives."
Wow. It all boils down to that. Even though as a nation, we are big, and modern and hip...... It still comes down to just a little small time thinking spread nationwide.
"Thanks Herman."
Whenever I wonder about such things, which has been more often lately, I just give my old friend, Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn. a call----he is in God's country, and is a lawyer....He must know.
So I just blurted it out:
"Herman, how is it that folks think that our brand new President will send them all the money for the bailout----what is your take on this?
"Shucks Wolfman,(that's what he always calls me) in the real world, the first thing about deliverance it that it begins at home. Whether it is the Ponzi scheme of Madoff or the bailout nationally, there is the impulse to send the checks to relatives and friends first. It is just natural. After all, folks that are not related..... are nice folks and all....but... they don't need anything more than a friendly wave----up here in the tundra we call it the "Howdy wave." Ya give folks the finger wave from the car, the cheerleaderwave on the street that gives the necessary recognition----but it all ends with the money----money we just send to the relatives."
Wow. It all boils down to that. Even though as a nation, we are big, and modern and hip...... It still comes down to just a little small time thinking spread nationwide.
"Thanks Herman."
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: " In Normal, Mn., all the kids are rated AAA by AM BEST----FICTION
Recently I was talking with an older gentleman and asked him to explain how a certain insurance company that got a massive bailout from the federal government, could at the same time be rated so highly by the rating agencies right up to....and throughout....the crisis.
He explained that that insurance company was broken up into twenty or so corporations that individually were mostly still rated at very high levels, and how this could persist was just a mystery.
Whenever I am mystified, which can be often...I simply call my old friend Herman, up in Normal, Mn., where he is a countryboylawyer, and also, and proudly, a member of the Normal, Mn. school board. Herman was a lawyer. He should know, I thought.
After I explained the situation, Herman just replied with a chuckle.
"Shucks, Wolman, (that's what he always called me.) those are just shell corporations. It's just a shell game so to speak. It takes imagination to get the concept."
Then he went on:
"Shell games are so popular up here in the North Country, that we in Normal, Mn. were determined to lead the nation. We individually rate each of the newborn kids AAA by AM BEST on the day they are born. It makes things real simple."
So. There it is. How to be AAA rated. How it is just natural in God's Country.
"Thanks Herman, " I said.
He explained that that insurance company was broken up into twenty or so corporations that individually were mostly still rated at very high levels, and how this could persist was just a mystery.
Whenever I am mystified, which can be often...I simply call my old friend Herman, up in Normal, Mn., where he is a countryboylawyer, and also, and proudly, a member of the Normal, Mn. school board. Herman was a lawyer. He should know, I thought.
After I explained the situation, Herman just replied with a chuckle.
"Shucks, Wolman, (that's what he always called me.) those are just shell corporations. It's just a shell game so to speak. It takes imagination to get the concept."
Then he went on:
"Shell games are so popular up here in the North Country, that we in Normal, Mn. were determined to lead the nation. We individually rate each of the newborn kids AAA by AM BEST on the day they are born. It makes things real simple."
So. There it is. How to be AAA rated. How it is just natural in God's Country.
"Thanks Herman, " I said.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Realignment" is a time for Glee in Normal"----FICTION
Well it has been areal confusing time reading the newspapers from Normal, Mn. It seems that a simple football realignment in the northern tundra has resulted in a huge windfall for local teachers pay packages---and whatever happens, the teachers do not want to go back to the old NTWIAA conference---that's the Northern Tundra WIAA.
Ever since Billy Bob Jr., who coaches middle school wrestling got the brainstorm to petition to be added to the bigger Brainerd Athletic conference---a move most folks did not understand at the time---he argued that the increased competition would do the kids good, and be a real role model....or something like that. \
Anyway, when the school board met the following september, they discovered that in order to be competitive with the pay scales of their "peers" in the conference, they each would need a $4000 pay raise---and it was real urgent in order to be competitive.
When I called Herman in Normal---he just laughed.
"Shucks Wolfman---its just the tail wagging the dog----and it is about time you figured out who is wagging who. That was a real moxie move---the teachers just love it. The kids do have to bus a lot longer---but the teachers love the higher pay so much, they would never go back to the old conference. It's just progress. "
Then he let out a huge bellylaugh.
(Ed.note: Click on the post for the press release from Normal.)
Ever since Billy Bob Jr., who coaches middle school wrestling got the brainstorm to petition to be added to the bigger Brainerd Athletic conference---a move most folks did not understand at the time---he argued that the increased competition would do the kids good, and be a real role model....or something like that. \
Anyway, when the school board met the following september, they discovered that in order to be competitive with the pay scales of their "peers" in the conference, they each would need a $4000 pay raise---and it was real urgent in order to be competitive.
When I called Herman in Normal---he just laughed.
"Shucks Wolfman---its just the tail wagging the dog----and it is about time you figured out who is wagging who. That was a real moxie move---the teachers just love it. The kids do have to bus a lot longer---but the teachers love the higher pay so much, they would never go back to the old conference. It's just progress. "
Then he let out a huge bellylaugh.
(Ed.note: Click on the post for the press release from Normal.)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Dateline Normal: Fear of Too much Government; Too many capital gains; And the Boogey man too---FICTION
Well it has been disconcerting. All the news of the financial markets. I have been reading (click on the post) that our outgoing President, President Bush, midst the financial crisis and the calls for regulation of our derivitaves market, otherwise known as the "gamblers"---our President has warned us of having too much regulation and also of the greatest of all evils---the fear of capital gains taxes.
As I always do, when questions arise, I give my old friend Herman a call ---he is a lawyer. He knows the law. He should know.
"Herman, what kind of a guy would be terrified of capital gains at this point of time, and also terrified of some market regulation?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"Wolfman( that's what he always calls me.) You can always tell a guy who has had his finger on the nuclear trigger for too long. All the fears get mixed up. It clearly is time for our dear President to move along to another occupation....."
Nobody in American has capital gains except the short traders, and maybe some of those guys who got bonuses for driving their banks bankrupt----And nobody is really afraid of the coming regulation except those who have preyed on the innocent---let's hope they are afraid of some regulation---that is a good sign. "
It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where the gains we are worried about are in football.....and the only changes in regulation are in the football conferences.....It is really kind of a world all its own.
As I always do, when questions arise, I give my old friend Herman a call ---he is a lawyer. He knows the law. He should know.
"Herman, what kind of a guy would be terrified of capital gains at this point of time, and also terrified of some market regulation?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"Wolfman( that's what he always calls me.) You can always tell a guy who has had his finger on the nuclear trigger for too long. All the fears get mixed up. It clearly is time for our dear President to move along to another occupation....."
Nobody in American has capital gains except the short traders, and maybe some of those guys who got bonuses for driving their banks bankrupt----And nobody is really afraid of the coming regulation except those who have preyed on the innocent---let's hope they are afraid of some regulation---that is a good sign. "
It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where the gains we are worried about are in football.....and the only changes in regulation are in the football conferences.....It is really kind of a world all its own.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Fed urges banks to lend; Urges consumers to pay CASH; Lift up by bootstraps---FICTION
Well the headlines sure have been a bit bewildering. ( Click on the post for the recent story.)Banks being urged to lend...lend...lend.. when the excess lending to undocumented loan applicants was the problem in the first place---yet there are a few creditworthy loan applicants available now---and the fed is urging that the banks loan to those folks quickly---before they become uncreditworthy I suppose.
Still----the general public consumer is being urged to be prudent...to cut back...to pay cash. Somehow---the two messages conflict.
So--whenever I have questions such as this, I just pick up the phone and give my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. a call----as folks will recall, Normal is that quiet fishing village just south of Garrison, and Herman is a down home real estate lawyer that also moolights as president of the local school board. Herman would know, I thought.
"Herman what is the deal. How can regular folks cut back and go to cash, while the banks resume lending---and lending to who?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh. "Wolfman (that's what he always called me), ya just need to decipher the lingo. When big corporations get in trouble, like GM for example, maybe even though they have been warned for 20 years or so since "The Reckoning" was written that small cars that were fuel efficient were the cars of the future, our government just assumes it was a hearing aid problem---and wishes to bail them out. The rule here is that when the rich need a bailout, it is "SAVING AMERICA"----
Then Herman took a deep breath.
"However---ya have to understand that if the regular tax paying folks need help---maybe they face foreclosure on a home that had an inflated valuation that busted----to help that person would be "SOCIALISM". "
Wow---that was sure a shocking comparison. After I got off the phone I just reflected. Yup. That seems to be the rule. Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin.
Still----the general public consumer is being urged to be prudent...to cut back...to pay cash. Somehow---the two messages conflict.
So--whenever I have questions such as this, I just pick up the phone and give my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. a call----as folks will recall, Normal is that quiet fishing village just south of Garrison, and Herman is a down home real estate lawyer that also moolights as president of the local school board. Herman would know, I thought.
"Herman what is the deal. How can regular folks cut back and go to cash, while the banks resume lending---and lending to who?"
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh. "Wolfman (that's what he always called me), ya just need to decipher the lingo. When big corporations get in trouble, like GM for example, maybe even though they have been warned for 20 years or so since "The Reckoning" was written that small cars that were fuel efficient were the cars of the future, our government just assumes it was a hearing aid problem---and wishes to bail them out. The rule here is that when the rich need a bailout, it is "SAVING AMERICA"----
Then Herman took a deep breath.
"However---ya have to understand that if the regular tax paying folks need help---maybe they face foreclosure on a home that had an inflated valuation that busted----to help that person would be "SOCIALISM". "
Wow---that was sure a shocking comparison. After I got off the phone I just reflected. Yup. That seems to be the rule. Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Why we Always hire "Entry Level"---employees who have not been corrupted by experience."----FICTION
Recently, I have experienced a lot of employers who just do not want to take a chance on hiring someone, whether it would be me, or well...anybody---that was over the age of 22. It seems that employers today want an employee that is enthusiastic, educated, in good health and not requiring any health care, and ....not handicapped by any knowledge of the world.
Let's face it. It is hard to impersonate a 22 year old these days. And ...it has been a bit bewildering. So I gave my old friend Herman, a country boy lawyer in Normal, Mn. a call---he should know I thought.
The weather was clear fall weather and the call went right through.
"Herman----what is the deal. It seems that innocence and ignorance has become real attractive in the work force---and oh yes....cheap wages too. What is the situation in Normal, Mn.?
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh----
"Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) we have been there and done that. ALL of our hires in Normal, Mn. are restricted to persons who have had no employement experience whatsoever. It is an absolute requirement. We want entry level. We want NO experience. We want to have a TABULA RAZA so to speak.
I was simply dumstruck. How is this so?, " I asked.
"It is real simple, Wolfman. If a person was from a foreign land, they would say, "Yo no comprehendo"----which means "I do not understand. When one hires an entry level person, they simply say "That Was BEFORE my time, and I know nothing of it."----usually these are civil servants that have taken no history courses and have a short attention span."
So---what a shock. To hire entry level. Persons who have no experience... And persons who have no knowledge of the past---and are proud of it and in fact hired BECAUSE of it.---
The Herman went on:
"Sometimes, Wolfman, if there is an issue that everybody knows about, we do make an exception: We bring in a special speaker from a foreign town to speak on a subject, where that person does not have a clue.; It is important sometimes to go out and gather ignorance in a proactive way."
It sure is good to be back home.
Let's face it. It is hard to impersonate a 22 year old these days. And ...it has been a bit bewildering. So I gave my old friend Herman, a country boy lawyer in Normal, Mn. a call---he should know I thought.
The weather was clear fall weather and the call went right through.
"Herman----what is the deal. It seems that innocence and ignorance has become real attractive in the work force---and oh yes....cheap wages too. What is the situation in Normal, Mn.?
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh----
"Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) we have been there and done that. ALL of our hires in Normal, Mn. are restricted to persons who have had no employement experience whatsoever. It is an absolute requirement. We want entry level. We want NO experience. We want to have a TABULA RAZA so to speak.
I was simply dumstruck. How is this so?, " I asked.
"It is real simple, Wolfman. If a person was from a foreign land, they would say, "Yo no comprehendo"----which means "I do not understand. When one hires an entry level person, they simply say "That Was BEFORE my time, and I know nothing of it."----usually these are civil servants that have taken no history courses and have a short attention span."
So---what a shock. To hire entry level. Persons who have no experience... And persons who have no knowledge of the past---and are proud of it and in fact hired BECAUSE of it.---
The Herman went on:
"Sometimes, Wolfman, if there is an issue that everybody knows about, we do make an exception: We bring in a special speaker from a foreign town to speak on a subject, where that person does not have a clue.; It is important sometimes to go out and gather ignorance in a proactive way."
It sure is good to be back home.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Normal Slashes Government Costs: Installs Fake DUI Units, Fake Government; --millions saved
Recently, I have been reading how in DeForest, Wisconsin, a group of policemen set up a fake DUI unit, and since using DUI units to organize stops is illegal in Wisconsin, and since the law did not prohibit FAKE DUI units, they felt it would be reasonably legal to try this method.
Presto---it appears that the acting worked---those FAKE DUI units did just great. (click on the post for the full story.)
I wondered. And----as I always do, I called my old friend, Herman, from Normal, Minnesota, that small fishing village just south of Garrison, Mn., and I just blurted it out:
"Herman, have you heard the news about the fake DUI units here in Deforest, Wisconsin?
"Shucks, Wolfman (thats what he always called me) we have been following this story very closely----we were so impressed, we moved to quickly fire all the local city staff, and have just hired fake city personnel---from a local temporary service----and presto, we have saved millions----and what is even better---the public does not seem to notice the difference----yup---we sure have some great actors in town?"
Wow!!!! what a concept. Who wudda thunk that fake could be so effective.
Do not worry. I stood right up and defended the dramatic talent in our fair city. After all---after recently viewing the Escanaba in da Moolight blockbuster at the JC Mckenna Auditorium, I knew that we have superb talent---and can do wonderful impersonations as needed sometimes when one goes undercover. I knew that they could do a wonderful job. Nobody does fake like we do.
Presto---it appears that the acting worked---those FAKE DUI units did just great. (click on the post for the full story.)
I wondered. And----as I always do, I called my old friend, Herman, from Normal, Minnesota, that small fishing village just south of Garrison, Mn., and I just blurted it out:
"Herman, have you heard the news about the fake DUI units here in Deforest, Wisconsin?
"Shucks, Wolfman (thats what he always called me) we have been following this story very closely----we were so impressed, we moved to quickly fire all the local city staff, and have just hired fake city personnel---from a local temporary service----and presto, we have saved millions----and what is even better---the public does not seem to notice the difference----yup---we sure have some great actors in town?"
Wow!!!! what a concept. Who wudda thunk that fake could be so effective.
Do not worry. I stood right up and defended the dramatic talent in our fair city. After all---after recently viewing the Escanaba in da Moolight blockbuster at the JC Mckenna Auditorium, I knew that we have superb talent---and can do wonderful impersonations as needed sometimes when one goes undercover. I knew that they could do a wonderful job. Nobody does fake like we do.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: 'When Buffett bought millponds"-----FICTION
Recently while I was up in northern Minnesota at my favorite fishing village, Normal, Mn., the guys were gathered together for morning coffee at Betty Lou's---where the coffee was just very strong with lots of sugar and whipped cream, and where no mochas were served cause it was too weak and besides it was too complicated to make.
Right after the second round of coffee, one of the guys, appropriately dressed in a lumbermans flannel shirt, and sporting a Loon Lodge fishing cap, was reading the local shopper, the Normal Nugget, when he came across the following words of the revered local mayor:
"I have given a lot of thought to the lake restoration project in light of the current volatile economy. Last week, I listened to a television interview of financier Warren Buffett. He believes it is timely to make wise investments."
George read those words aloud to the whole cafe---the guys were just dumstruck. After all, Warren Buffett was the wisest man on the planet---as the head of Berkshire Hathaway, he had made wise investments over the past decades that had made him one of the richest men in the universe. So---quickly---the guys tried to understand the deeper meaning of Buffett's move to buy millponds. What did it mean for their portfolios.
There was a lot of shouting in Betty Lou's that morning. Some guys thought that Warren had just hit upon a strategy that was of the scope of President Lincoln's famous Illinois Waterway con....and a project that Abe had regretted till the day he died.
After a short review of the guys at Betty Lou's cafe---the vote was unanimous---Warren Buffett had lost his mind. It was time to bail out of any of Warren's other favorite projects as well. The guys all broke for the phones to make calls to their stockbrokers.
Then one lone voice of reason stood in the midst-----"Guys....Guys.....listen up...it was just a fantasy of the local mayor...it is not real....After all, they are doing Escanabe in da Moonlight this weekend....cut them some slack."
I am so grateful. Even though I was not wearing my lumberman shirt with a Loon Lodge fishing cap---still they took a moment and regained their senses. I guess that is why I am called to join them once in a while.
Right after the second round of coffee, one of the guys, appropriately dressed in a lumbermans flannel shirt, and sporting a Loon Lodge fishing cap, was reading the local shopper, the Normal Nugget, when he came across the following words of the revered local mayor:
"I have given a lot of thought to the lake restoration project in light of the current volatile economy. Last week, I listened to a television interview of financier Warren Buffett. He believes it is timely to make wise investments."
George read those words aloud to the whole cafe---the guys were just dumstruck. After all, Warren Buffett was the wisest man on the planet---as the head of Berkshire Hathaway, he had made wise investments over the past decades that had made him one of the richest men in the universe. So---quickly---the guys tried to understand the deeper meaning of Buffett's move to buy millponds. What did it mean for their portfolios.
There was a lot of shouting in Betty Lou's that morning. Some guys thought that Warren had just hit upon a strategy that was of the scope of President Lincoln's famous Illinois Waterway con....and a project that Abe had regretted till the day he died.
After a short review of the guys at Betty Lou's cafe---the vote was unanimous---Warren Buffett had lost his mind. It was time to bail out of any of Warren's other favorite projects as well. The guys all broke for the phones to make calls to their stockbrokers.
Then one lone voice of reason stood in the midst-----"Guys....Guys.....listen up...it was just a fantasy of the local mayor...it is not real....After all, they are doing Escanabe in da Moonlight this weekend....cut them some slack."
I am so grateful. Even though I was not wearing my lumberman shirt with a Loon Lodge fishing cap---still they took a moment and regained their senses. I guess that is why I am called to join them once in a while.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: " Highschooler quadruples debt equation----solves world crisis"-----FICTION
Last week, right in the midst of the greatest financial crisis to hit our modern times, I was stuck way up in northern Minnesota----and felt by the way pretty helpless to give any instruction, which in fact turned out for the best.
Right in the middle of the frenzied discussion on Saturday morning at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn....right in the middle of quite a bit of hand ringing of the guys as to whether their cd's would be good at the local bank, one young high school freshman, smack dab in the middle of his algebra homework at one of the side tables, raised his hand in the middle of the discussion.
"Why not just quadrupple it? he shouted. Make it Debt to the 4th. Rather than cube the debt------ quadrupple it?
The crowd at Betty Lou's was just stunned. How come they had not thought of it. Just add another layer, just like they would clothes in the winter time. Kind of a layered look---not lawyered look---the layered look.
The guys were pretty wild and crazy about the idea. They all rushed to the phones to call their congressman.
Just then, the tv in the coffee shop in the upper corner flashed the latest news---it seems that their idea had travelled mysteriously all across the world and currently was being implemented in Spain...and then the total European Community. The guys were just speechless.
"This must be a miracle", Herman shouted.
Everybody went wild. And ordered another round of strong coffee, with extra sugar and whipped cream.
See. Just a little of good old common sense...from the downhome northern tundra...could go a long way to solve the handwringing of a few million worldwide. Ya just never know when a little algebra might help.
Right in the middle of the frenzied discussion on Saturday morning at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in Normal, Mn....right in the middle of quite a bit of hand ringing of the guys as to whether their cd's would be good at the local bank, one young high school freshman, smack dab in the middle of his algebra homework at one of the side tables, raised his hand in the middle of the discussion.
"Why not just quadrupple it? he shouted. Make it Debt to the 4th. Rather than cube the debt------ quadrupple it?
The crowd at Betty Lou's was just stunned. How come they had not thought of it. Just add another layer, just like they would clothes in the winter time. Kind of a layered look---not lawyered look---the layered look.
The guys were pretty wild and crazy about the idea. They all rushed to the phones to call their congressman.
Just then, the tv in the coffee shop in the upper corner flashed the latest news---it seems that their idea had travelled mysteriously all across the world and currently was being implemented in Spain...and then the total European Community. The guys were just speechless.
"This must be a miracle", Herman shouted.
Everybody went wild. And ordered another round of strong coffee, with extra sugar and whipped cream.
See. Just a little of good old common sense...from the downhome northern tundra...could go a long way to solve the handwringing of a few million worldwide. Ya just never know when a little algebra might help.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Dateline Normal: "Jersey Joe Visits Normal----explains derivitaves"----FICTION
Well what a week that was last week. With all the fluctuations in the stock market and such, I thought it was a great time to get grounded-----like in fishing. So, right as the market opened on Friday, I was on the road, and during the worst trading moments, was right in down home country AM music territory and missed the whole thing. It was just great.
I had gotten a call from Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend from Normal, and he explained that 'Jersey Joe" was going to be in town---and that if I wanted a clear explanation to what the big tiff was on Wall Street, that "Jersey Joe" was sure to have it.
We just called him "Jersey" Joe ---he was not from Jersey. It was Joe's habit of always wearing a down home football jersey even in formal situations that had given him such a reputation up in the north country----and he had become quite a legend in the accounting profession in the securities business. We just all wondered what he would have to say about the current stock panic. What would be his take?
Just as soon as I got into Normal, I headed over to the Hideaway Lounge----Herman, my countryboylawyer friend had the manhattens ready----the guys were all lined up at the bench to hear the latest.
I decided to go first:
"Well, Jersey Joe, how does this all compute? Seems like the damage is just devastating---what is your take on it?
Jersey Joe looked suprised and a little angered:
"Shucks---there is no reason for the hubub at all. After all it is just natural accounting---and balanced too. Ya just debit world wealth .....and then credit traders short accounts....it is real neat. No reason for alarm at all. The loss is non-existent....everything is just perfectly balanced."
There he stood. In his jersey at the bar. Everybody was pretty flabergasted. To so simply explain the inner mysteries of the current crisis.
I guess that that's whey they called him Jersey Joe.
I had gotten a call from Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend from Normal, and he explained that 'Jersey Joe" was going to be in town---and that if I wanted a clear explanation to what the big tiff was on Wall Street, that "Jersey Joe" was sure to have it.
We just called him "Jersey" Joe ---he was not from Jersey. It was Joe's habit of always wearing a down home football jersey even in formal situations that had given him such a reputation up in the north country----and he had become quite a legend in the accounting profession in the securities business. We just all wondered what he would have to say about the current stock panic. What would be his take?
Just as soon as I got into Normal, I headed over to the Hideaway Lounge----Herman, my countryboylawyer friend had the manhattens ready----the guys were all lined up at the bench to hear the latest.
I decided to go first:
"Well, Jersey Joe, how does this all compute? Seems like the damage is just devastating---what is your take on it?
Jersey Joe looked suprised and a little angered:
"Shucks---there is no reason for the hubub at all. After all it is just natural accounting---and balanced too. Ya just debit world wealth .....and then credit traders short accounts....it is real neat. No reason for alarm at all. The loss is non-existent....everything is just perfectly balanced."
There he stood. In his jersey at the bar. Everybody was pretty flabergasted. To so simply explain the inner mysteries of the current crisis.
I guess that that's whey they called him Jersey Joe.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Need Information; Dial 411. All the reporters are DEAD...or mostly dead.
(Ed.note; I found this little scrap of paper wrapped in a mayonaisse jar near the park in Normal, Mn.. Enjoy. )
all observing
911.
what about
411---
-we have so many
facts,
but so little
information...
So many shopper ads,
but no articles in depth.
Even our politics has been
stories
about the three little
pigs..
and whether
any of them
wore
lipstick.
all observing
911.
what about
411---
-we have so many
facts,
but so little
information...
So many shopper ads,
but no articles in depth.
Even our politics has been
stories
about the three little
pigs..
and whether
any of them
wore
lipstick.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn."Why all the Riverboat Gamblers are Senior Seniors"----FICTION
Well. It has been an interesting week. With the meetings and such. I am always amazed when something happens that totally stuns me and I have to revise my thinking completely.
Last night, in the midst of a public meeting regarding the restoration of a very venerable pool of millpond in our fair city, a group of aging seniors, rose to vigorously promote the notion of "going for broke,", "betting the farm", going for the full monte long shot call or put option. And they added at the end that they would be most pleased if they would pay it back over at least 20 years, 30 would be perfect. I had to wonder about that. At 80 or so, some were being...well...somewhat optimistic....or was it just moxie?
When I have these questions...and I often do, I just get on the cell phone and call my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn.. After all...he knew estates and trusts....he just loved to gamble. He must certainly know something about this.
"Herman," I blurted out, "I thought all the riverboat gamblers were young, with steel in their veins---how come it seems the boldest traders are over 70 or so and betting on the farm....or betting the farm or both. "
"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me), it is about time you figured it out. Those old guys, with one foot in the grave, are the boldest---why do you think the busses to the casinos are so packed on Senior Day---to be a perfect gambler and lose all ones money in a day, one has to have the consolation that death is not too far off. The timing just works out. It is sheer moxie.
"What about the 30 year repayment they always ask for,?" I asked.
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"That is the classic grandkids double debt con---the oldest trick in the book. Ya build it for your fame, and put the debt to your grandkids. It works even better when you can have your name on the memorial. Yup. Those seniors are the REAL STUFF. THEY are the REAL gamblers, not the youngins. "
What a shock. Now I know why my grandfather gave me two shalleighs from Ireland. I thought they were for the dogs on the prowl. Really. They are just to prop me up to make the final gamble.
"Thanks Herman."
Last night, in the midst of a public meeting regarding the restoration of a very venerable pool of millpond in our fair city, a group of aging seniors, rose to vigorously promote the notion of "going for broke,", "betting the farm", going for the full monte long shot call or put option. And they added at the end that they would be most pleased if they would pay it back over at least 20 years, 30 would be perfect. I had to wonder about that. At 80 or so, some were being...well...somewhat optimistic....or was it just moxie?
When I have these questions...and I often do, I just get on the cell phone and call my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn.. After all...he knew estates and trusts....he just loved to gamble. He must certainly know something about this.
"Herman," I blurted out, "I thought all the riverboat gamblers were young, with steel in their veins---how come it seems the boldest traders are over 70 or so and betting on the farm....or betting the farm or both. "
"Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me), it is about time you figured it out. Those old guys, with one foot in the grave, are the boldest---why do you think the busses to the casinos are so packed on Senior Day---to be a perfect gambler and lose all ones money in a day, one has to have the consolation that death is not too far off. The timing just works out. It is sheer moxie.
"What about the 30 year repayment they always ask for,?" I asked.
Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.
"That is the classic grandkids double debt con---the oldest trick in the book. Ya build it for your fame, and put the debt to your grandkids. It works even better when you can have your name on the memorial. Yup. Those seniors are the REAL STUFF. THEY are the REAL gamblers, not the youngins. "
What a shock. Now I know why my grandfather gave me two shalleighs from Ireland. I thought they were for the dogs on the prowl. Really. They are just to prop me up to make the final gamble.
"Thanks Herman."
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "All Public meetings during Monday Night Football"---FICTION
Last night at kickoff, I could not but help think of the folks of our local town who are on the local school board----their monthly meeting occurs on Monday night. How tough is that? Well the ultimate price is really when the Minnesota Vikings meet the Green Bay Packers. That is a severe hardship in the name of public service.
Right as the two teams were coming through the tunnel last night, I picked up my cellphone and gave my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn. a call---yes I was going to see what his prediction was on the game, but I also was going to ask him what he thought about the Monday night meetings.
Then something unusual happened. Herman's voicemail came on and said, " I am at a meeting right now, but will be free shortly and give you a return call, if you leave your name and number."
When Herman called back in fifteen minutes, I asked him what meeting he was at.
"Shucks Wolfman. Up here in Normal, Mn., ALL our public meetings...for school board as well as the local city are on Monday night from 4:30PM to 7PM. It just has worked wonders for our efficiency. Nobody shows up from the public to ask questions...all of the regular committee members are amazingly efficient in approving everything that is requested. To make it real fun, we all stand up at the table.....and pretend it is kind of a pre-game huddle. The bottom line. It has cut government costs----all of the meetings get done before gametime. It sure works neat."
What a shock!! All meetings on Monday night. And for the efficiency. Who would have thought. An efficient thought coming out of Minnesota. Oh. There is my Packer prejudice coming out. But the positive is that they are nice folks, even when we beat them regularly. They are my relatives and I need to be generous. Amen.
Right as the two teams were coming through the tunnel last night, I picked up my cellphone and gave my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn. a call---yes I was going to see what his prediction was on the game, but I also was going to ask him what he thought about the Monday night meetings.
Then something unusual happened. Herman's voicemail came on and said, " I am at a meeting right now, but will be free shortly and give you a return call, if you leave your name and number."
When Herman called back in fifteen minutes, I asked him what meeting he was at.
"Shucks Wolfman. Up here in Normal, Mn., ALL our public meetings...for school board as well as the local city are on Monday night from 4:30PM to 7PM. It just has worked wonders for our efficiency. Nobody shows up from the public to ask questions...all of the regular committee members are amazingly efficient in approving everything that is requested. To make it real fun, we all stand up at the table.....and pretend it is kind of a pre-game huddle. The bottom line. It has cut government costs----all of the meetings get done before gametime. It sure works neat."
What a shock!! All meetings on Monday night. And for the efficiency. Who would have thought. An efficient thought coming out of Minnesota. Oh. There is my Packer prejudice coming out. But the positive is that they are nice folks, even when we beat them regularly. They are my relatives and I need to be generous. Amen.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Dateline Normal: "Order of the Loon Lodge"--FICTION
Dateline Normal, Mn.: On the order of the Loon Lodge: On the secrets of membership; On loons; On fish...and much more
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Dateline Normal, Mn.: Beer, Band, Bonding Time----FICTION
Well...It's homecoming in Normal, Mn. this weekend. The weather is changing up in the frozen tundra, and there is just nothing like the homecoming weekend for a great party----I was expecially looking forward to the football game between the Normal Nuggets and the Duluth Ducks---it was always a classic rivalry.
Years ago, the team had been called the Normal Warriors, but the name needed to be changed to not offend.
Over the years, little had changed except the name of the team. The coach was still George Thompson, the legend football great, who at the age of 80 pretty much still ran the old plays, with maybe a little of the complexity left off.
Anyway, the real important thing was the Normal High School Band----heavy on brass and percussion, it was downhome manly band indeed---maybe a clarinet or two, but only 1 flute. And they loved to march and perform. Well....it was not so much the music as it was the cheers and the animation----and come to think of it, most of the cheers were about beer......
Usually in the fourth quarter there was the "I can't wait ta get wasted Cheer"---the classic cheer that the University of Wisconsin got from the original Normal High School back in the 1930's. I know cause I heard it on ESPN the other night. There is just nothing like Beer, Band and bonding time. And fishing too. Up in Normal.
Years ago, the team had been called the Normal Warriors, but the name needed to be changed to not offend.
Over the years, little had changed except the name of the team. The coach was still George Thompson, the legend football great, who at the age of 80 pretty much still ran the old plays, with maybe a little of the complexity left off.
Anyway, the real important thing was the Normal High School Band----heavy on brass and percussion, it was downhome manly band indeed---maybe a clarinet or two, but only 1 flute. And they loved to march and perform. Well....it was not so much the music as it was the cheers and the animation----and come to think of it, most of the cheers were about beer......
Usually in the fourth quarter there was the "I can't wait ta get wasted Cheer"---the classic cheer that the University of Wisconsin got from the original Normal High School back in the 1930's. I know cause I heard it on ESPN the other night. There is just nothing like Beer, Band and bonding time. And fishing too. Up in Normal.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
"Swim With the Loons Harvest Festival" Comes to Normal, Mn."----FICTION
Last week, I had the pleasure of living in a boat house with a birds eye view of the beautiful lake near Normal, Mn... One the things that you notice, because it is so quiet, is that in the evening, the loons begin their calls--right about feeding time....and also in the morning. The first morning I slept in, and never heard the loons at all. After a couple days relaxation, I felt like meeting the sun in the morning and went for a morning dip. Lo and behold the loons were up too. And looking for breakfast.
Years ago, one of the famous books of salesmen nationwide was "Swiming With the Skarks," by Harvey McKay. Harvey was the owner of a printing firm that was near the University of Minnesota, and his book was for many years the textbook on selling skills---I think the book is still available. Using his sales techniques, according to the book, one could swim with the sharks, negotiate with the crooks, do almost anything and win, win, win......
These days, St. Paul--Minneapolis has come a long way. I think they do not have such simple ideas of great salesmanship---after all just think of the recent Republican National Convention, when all of the local press media decided to go to the lake and fish rather than cover the convention----so much for swiming with the sharks. Yes. Most of the press were really folks that just printed ad shoppers, and yes, if pressed they might admit they just went out to Byerlies and got tofu rather than fish...still....the Twin Cities has changed somehow.
I just wondered about all this. And as usual, I picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the country boy lawyer from Normal, Mn. and got right to the point:
"Herman, what is the deal. Everything has changed. Is nobody swimming with the sharks any more. Are there no more journalists that will report the news? Is everybody just part of the syndicate or the good old boys"
"YUP", Herman replied. "It has all changed. However look on the good side. We now celebrate the "Swim with the Loons Fall Harvest Festival"----we teach the youngsters how to recognize a "loon call" and even have a circular device that makes a loon call, and in a deeper sense we become a loon in spirit----yes we also do all the other things that these festivals do as earth friendly celebrations----we drink wine, eat lots of cheese, and after a lot of wine and cheese, we might even talk a bit about recycling.....it's a real role model celebration. A real teaching experience even if one is under age.
Wow. Swimming with the Loons. I was totally stunned. Still. I liked the idea. I just wondered what Harvey McKay thought about all this. I wondered if the loons would be easier to swim with.
Years ago, one of the famous books of salesmen nationwide was "Swiming With the Skarks," by Harvey McKay. Harvey was the owner of a printing firm that was near the University of Minnesota, and his book was for many years the textbook on selling skills---I think the book is still available. Using his sales techniques, according to the book, one could swim with the sharks, negotiate with the crooks, do almost anything and win, win, win......
These days, St. Paul--Minneapolis has come a long way. I think they do not have such simple ideas of great salesmanship---after all just think of the recent Republican National Convention, when all of the local press media decided to go to the lake and fish rather than cover the convention----so much for swiming with the sharks. Yes. Most of the press were really folks that just printed ad shoppers, and yes, if pressed they might admit they just went out to Byerlies and got tofu rather than fish...still....the Twin Cities has changed somehow.
I just wondered about all this. And as usual, I picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the country boy lawyer from Normal, Mn. and got right to the point:
"Herman, what is the deal. Everything has changed. Is nobody swimming with the sharks any more. Are there no more journalists that will report the news? Is everybody just part of the syndicate or the good old boys"
"YUP", Herman replied. "It has all changed. However look on the good side. We now celebrate the "Swim with the Loons Fall Harvest Festival"----we teach the youngsters how to recognize a "loon call" and even have a circular device that makes a loon call, and in a deeper sense we become a loon in spirit----yes we also do all the other things that these festivals do as earth friendly celebrations----we drink wine, eat lots of cheese, and after a lot of wine and cheese, we might even talk a bit about recycling.....it's a real role model celebration. A real teaching experience even if one is under age.
Wow. Swimming with the Loons. I was totally stunned. Still. I liked the idea. I just wondered what Harvey McKay thought about all this. I wondered if the loons would be easier to swim with.
