Chunky Guy from Jersey exhorts Nation to trim fiscal fat: Tales From Normal, MN: FICTION

Just got the news from Normal, Mn. that the speakers tonight at the Rotary Club are two guys with impeccable conservative credentials, one a guy from Jersey who is very obese but claims to have mastered the art of fiscal discipline and integrity...the other is a guy from Wisconsin who says that his veins are filled with "cheese and brats" and who has a history of heart disease, but claims that he works out to defy it....nice science...stay tuned as I follow this story.

Rich are busy creating jobs..somewhere..not anywhere near us; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from my buddies in Normal, MN...it seems that the local church there, the Church of the Perpetual Fisherman, has declared a new miracle...the miracle of job creation...where all the rich are busy creating jobs that we can't see, but we have to believe anyway...nice.

Politico Goes to Eye of Hurricane to Prove Leadership: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn this morn, that Wild Bill Johnson, a notorious walleye fisherman from Normal, MN. decided to drive straight into the eye of the hurricane in Tampa, Florida, just to prove his leadership ability. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

450 Churches Combined after "Apostolic Review": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Seems that folks never got deleted after they died, and thus the numbers of parish worshipers were greatly exaggerated. "It did seem a bit slow" the local pastor said. He just celebrated his 95th birthday. He will remain and pastor the combined parishes.

City Administrator adds Grave Marker Maintenance and Econ Development Duties: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

How slow has it been in Normal, Mn? So slow that the Normal, Mn. City Council has added the duties of graveyard maintenance and economic development to the regular city administrative duties. The local city administrator actually welcomed the additional duties...said at least the graves don't talk back..and as long as his salary continues at the same level, he's cool with the situation.

Local Woman falls in love with Cellphone; says it has always been there for her": Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

The details of the wedding are yet to be ironed out, but I assume they will elope. I will let you know when I hear.

City Law Firm Requests Rate Increase for 50th Straight Year: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop. The guys said that the major positive in the presentation for a rate increase, is that this has been the most constant item for the past fifty years, and they would not like to change a sacred tradition. Stay tuned.

Analyst Bullish on Gold, Guns, Ammo and War; Shorting America: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The most famous analyst of Normal, Mn., Billy Bob, who also doubles as a superstar bass fisherman indicated with animation at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop on Friday that in light of the "Battle of 1400" or the giant tug of war on the Standard and Poors average right when the Republican Convention is about to begin---that he is very bullish on Gold, War, Ammo, and he is shorting America generally. His theory is that if the Republicans win the election, they will sell America as a leveraged buy out, and pocket the money...just like their experience with Bain Capital has taught them---after all, that is what Mitt said...he said that he will fully utilize his business experience...and it all adds up. Most of the guys at Betty Lou's could not buy more gold, so they just planned on stocking up on ammo...and indeed all America seemed to be following suit...with gun battles breaking out all over the land...stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

Courts say Poker not Gambling: Corporations are People; You should respect the law: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today that the guys at Betty Lou's coffee shop were just floored that the courts have now ruled that "Poker is not gambling," and that "corporations are people." They just smiled and said, "Yup, ya got to respect the law."

Wall Street Pundits seek to be Paid by the word; Double for Brit accent: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

Just got the text today from financial wall street pros in Normal, Mn., basically just the one stock broker left in the little shack next to the bait shop, that there has been a movement lately to have all the press on wall street paid for by the word---few regular folks are buying or selling anything, and most of the trades are being done by Hal and Hal senior, the robots, so the regular folks want to talk and be paid by the word---and with a special bonus for those with Brit accents, cause unless you are a Royal in Vegas, the Brit accent is deemed to be so wise.....stay tuned as I follow this story.

Cops asked to watch bikes while biker fundraiser takes a bar break: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn today that the FPA bike run, a famous fundraiser that raises funds for homeless dogs and cats, has asked a local towns police department to guard their bikes while they take a break on the ride at a local pub. Police approved the request, since it seemed ok to encourage drinking and driving if it was for a good cause.

"Firm offers Free Shipping for Limited Time" for Ten straight Years: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

"Downhome Duds", one of the famous stores of Normal, MN. has offered free shipping for the next 72 hours only....and to everybodys amazement they have offered that same promotion for the past ten years....State enforcement officials say that this is normal overstatement and fluff, and not the type of misrepresentation that is harmful

"Locals excited about online drivel": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the news today by text that the locals at Betty Lou's Cafe, where all the coffee is double strong, and where whipped cream is included in the base price---the guys are very excited that nonstop, incoherent, digital drivel has replaced traditional news---- One seasoned pro, Billy Bob, the famous bass fisherman, spoke for the whole group when he said: "Yup, now I don't have to even listen and analyze what is in the news....its all nonsense and noise and is just not stressful for me...I just tune it out...It's just background noise...I don't think I could go back to actually thinking about it."

Docent Tours Begin of Classic Outhouses: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn that docent tours begin today...yes all the docents have classic white gloves on, as they lead tours of the classic Normal, Mn. Outhouses....these outhouses have been relocated right next to the Normal, Mn. historic museum, right in the downtown...The docents will explain the significance of the outhouses, how the various one holer, two holer or three holers worked, what it means for the history of Normal, Mn., and what role these simple outhouses played in the economic development of Normal, Mn.. To book a tour to Normal, Mn. and reserve a coveted spot on one of these docent tours, call 1-800-OUTHOUSE. There is no charge for this call..

"Cheezwiz in his Veins"---Intellectual Fitness Politico Says: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. today...that Paul the "Fitness Buff" Johnson, a famous tri-athlete in Normal, Mn. who is running for political office, has declared that his "veins run pure with cheezwiz"----local weight loss professionals are concerned, and indeed fitness clubs all over the country have voiced concern that these types of statements are taking fitness back to the 40's. Yup. But I guess that is what the deal is...about his whole message...it is all back to the 40's. Stay tuned as I follow this amazing story.

Shining Conservative Intellectuals wants to convert Medicare into Monopoly Trading Card; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the thrilling text today that Paul "the Prodigy" from Normal, MN. has proposed to the state assembly here that all medical benefits be simply replaced with a Monopoly trading card, since in his distinguished view, having never had a regular job or served in the main street economy, it is all a game anyway, and the Monopoly trading card would be far cheaper. Stay tuned as I follow this intriguing story.

City Personnel Policy Manual Approved after 45 years in development: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today...after the tireless effort of 15 different city administrators and 425 different city employees, the personnel policy and procedures manual has been finally completed and approved by the city council in Normal, Mn.. It stands as one of the outstanding accomplishments of the city and one that will be surely remembered to enhance its historic status.

Squirrels concerned about small nuts and survival this winter: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got a note from my old friend Wayne, the naturalist from Normal, MN. who noted for me that the squirrels are worried after they have been picking up the very small nuts that have already been falling from the trees that have been pretty battered by the local drought. Squirrels are one of the assets of our community, and thus yes it is very painful for them to face a lean winter. Thanks Wayne, for sending us their perspective.

"Bird City" Designation brings Pride in Normal, Mn.: Tales: FICTION

Normal, Minnesota has been designated a "Bird City," and residents, and especially the guys at Betty Lou's coffee shop, where all the coffee is double strong, with sugar, and with no extra charge for whipped cream. The birds seem pretty excited too...and it is hoped by the department of tourism, that birds from all over will make Normal, Mn. a "destination" to visit and leave their droppings and then return home.

"Dying for a Beer" in Normal, Mn.: Tales From Normal: FICTION

Just got the text today...seems like everybody is dying for a beer in Normal, Mn.. One youngster, just 16, right after celebrating a large blue ribbon at the Normal, Mn. FFA annual fair, went out and had a few beers and smashed his pickup up without even so much as leaving a skid mark. May he rest in peace. So there it is...dying for a beer...the news from Normal, Mn. this morning.

Cuts to the military code named "Operation Cliff": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the politicos of Normal, Mn. that the town gurus have decided to describe the cutbacks coming for the military as a "cliff" in order to emphasize how disasterous they will be for all warrior type folks. One of the alternative words that they did consider using was "peace" but when they realized that "Operation Peace" would not be desired by warrior types, they decided to use the word "cliff" instead.

School Board declares Permanent Closed Session to Avoid "Confusion": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Normal, Mn. School Board declared yesterday that they do have a firm budget resolution for the upcoming academic year, but have not released it to the public, and have no intention of doing so, because with all the changes happening in education, in case the plan needs to be changed, they want to do it without embarrasment or explanations. "Not knowing anything is just best for the public", the superintendent said: Stay tuned as I follow this story.