Dateline Normal, Mn.: Seniors eliminate Fitness Area; Need larger Bar: Eliminate Bathroom; Add large bushes: FICTION

Well it has been a busy time in Normal, Mn., with the groundbreaking of the new Normal Senior Center...and just at the last minute, the leaders announced that the fitness area had been eliminated. Responding to the current situation where seniors were having their social security checks frozen and concluding that there might be inceased demand for liquor.... acting strictly on a free enterprise model, designers acted boldly to eliminate the fitness area..... which was not as profitable as straight bar liquor.

In related news, they eliminated a bathroom also, citing the fact that there were new added bushes outside. Landscapings was just cheaper and more cost effective than plumbing.

Stay tuned. This is a developing story.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Republicans Panic over Military Unemployment-----FICTION

Just got the text from my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. that local guys paniced last night during a band intermission, well the veterans and military guys at the Hideaway Lounge felt that there might be some unemployment coming down the road for military folks---but relax they began a frenzied discussion of how to start some more wars to keep their economy going....stay tuned for this breaking story.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Republicans dream of return to the days of NIXON Glory: FICTION

Just got a text from Normal, Mn. and my old friend Herman...seems some red necked Republicans were at the "Loose Caboose" a local old timers bar in Normal, just two blocks up from the lake, and they were reminiscing about the good old days of Spiro Agnew and the Nixon team and wishing they were back there......

This was after a half dozen martinis.....stay tuned as I cover this story.

Austerity Measures Panic Republicans---Will have to Give up FOX NEWS and SPORTS Too! Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Breaking News....I just got the text from Herman from Normal, Mn., up in the northern frozen tundra, where men are men, and totally independent, except for being dependent on fishing....

Panic swept the streets today as Republicans feared they might have to give up FOX news and even Sports.....The prospect of doing something or hearing something besides drivel was totally shocking and created panic in the streets....stay tuned.

"City Daytrades Room Tax Receivable to Gain Millions for social uplifting" FICTION: Tales From Normal, Mn.

Wow. All of Normal, Mn. is buzzing today as the news broke on the CNN news ticker. It seems that the city administrator of Normal, Mn. devised a new economic development strategy. With just his quiet reflection time reviewing the city assets, which consisted of some room tax receivables from the "Billy Bob Motel and Deli" which were of ...questionable status regarding collectability...he devised a combination of calls and puts on the local stock exchange and in a series of hundreds of small quick trades utilizing a antique Apple II computer, he outfoxed the entire stock exchange and made millions for local good works.

In reviewing the trades, and yes they are still trying to figure out how he did it, normally when a call and a put are combined, it is called a spread....and folks in the know are thinking they might just call this the "Normal, Mn. Bull xxxx Spread". It follows the national pattern of taking something essentially worthless, pump it with hype and public relations and "buzz" and then trade it to excess and take the cash off the table on each trade.

I am trying by best to diagram the trade sequence, and as soon as I can make heads or tales of it, I will write further...stay tuned.

Government Agency Declares Recent Wall Street Plunge to be a "Miracle"....no questions allowed: FICTION

The Department of Technical Works recently declared the recent Wall Street plunge to be the result of a modern day "miracle"....and hence will not be reimbursing any investor losses since this event was simply divine in nature.

No questions will be allowed...although there will be a special day of prayer on Thursday of next week....stay tuned...the Observer will be following all the votive details.

Normal, Mn. funds Youth Activities---Switches to Plastic Flowers: FICTION

Breaking news out of Normal, Mn.---the Normal, Mn. City Council met last night and decided that, because they were in the midst of a budget crunch that threatened to halt all youth programs...they would switch from the extensive flower arranging program with natural flowers that had incurred considerable expense of flowers and watering staff hours, and decided boldly to purchase plastic flowers and move the money to fund youth activities....they also reluctantly recognized that a summer drama program was not really a national city branding marketing program and sought private funding for this expense.

Republicans Oppose Taxes: Want no Welfare but Corporate Welfare: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Shocking the nation today, Republicans from Normal, Mn. vigorously opposed anyone interfering with their wealth or increasing their taxes---they stand on the premise that they deserve corporate welfare, but no other welfare is important....This is a developing story. Stay tuned.

Republicans oppose railroad---argue for horses: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the news that up in the frontier territory of Normal, Mn., notable Republican senior citizens have opposed the advent of high speed rail---they see it as wasteful...and would prefer to go back to ....horses....stay tuned.

Rich Bankers want to avoid risky loans, and save money...for their bonuses: Tales From Normal, Mn.: Fiction

Well. Pretty shocking....a short text from Normal, Mn this morning from my old friend, Herman, the countryboy lawyer, that the audits of the banking institutions of Normal, Mn. has revealed very few loans have been granted to anyone, no matter how high their credit score...

It seems that the bankers have a coded language they speak to one another, and they smile when they speak of being "risk averse" since that is the term they speak when they really mean "saving for my bonus."

Normal, Mn hires canine to replace Police officer---uniform expense savings cited

This is a story in development. I will report more when available. There has been a rash of dog biting incidents recently, so it does appear that police deparment staff as well as citizens will be on their toes. More later.

Normal, Mn. announces Tax Levy Hike: Cuts to come next Year: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the news---in an undated text message from Herman from Normal, Mn.---that Normal, Mn. has announced a stiff tax levy hike this December, but noted that next year there will be cuts.

Upon further review...the message looks similar to the one released last year, and it is unclear what year is being spoken of. Stay tuned.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: City declares cemetary National Tourist Destination

What a bunch of totally excited folks today in Normal, Mn. as they marched to the local cemetary to celebrate the designation of it as a National Tourist Destination.

It seems that Normal, Mn. wanted to get caught up in the craze of creating tourist destinations, but had just one simple problem....the most substantial and the longest lasting structures were in the cemetary---all of the cheap shacks of the treasured forefathers had long been demolished as unfit for human habitation.

If you are thinking of a short daytrip from Garrison, or Lake Winnie, or even St. Cloud, think of making the Normal, Mn. graveyard one of your destination points.....This message brought to you by the Grave Society...a 501(3)c organization dedicated to uplifting and caring.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: City Wins Technology Innovation Award for implementing "Concealed Carry": FICTION

WOW. Pretty exciting news. Just received the text from my old friend Herman. In a world of simple pleasures, fishing, booze etc, the 'Concealed Carry" was a hallmark of technology and innovation.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: City adds THREE new Historic Districts....Cancels Youth Programs" FICTION

It was a tough choice, but ...well....tough...very tough...and some say...well...dead...minds in Normal, Mn. decided today to add three historic districts to the city that were discovered in a recent archeological survey,,,and at the same time, in order to save time, by the same ordinance, cancel all youth programs....

They argued...and there were none to dispute it, that if one was going to truly treasure the past, it meant not enough money to go around for the present youth....and besides...youth today have texting and other pleasures...they don't need anything more.....

That's the latest from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Financial Panic in Normal, Mn.: Everyone Returns to School: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Everyone had to get a Pell Grant, and it was truly pell mell panic. Today in Normal, Mn., the news was that with everyone being unemployed they responded by..... planning to go back to school to incur some more debt:

The local school authorities have responded by...you guessed it....... building larger athletic facilities...and building larger beer gardens next to the stadiums....after all....it is important to meet student needs....

Tales From Normal, Mn.: National Retailer replaces Personnel Dept with Shredder: Savings Cited: FICTION

Pretty stunned by this text message sent from Normal, Mn.. It seems that a careful behavioral analysis of the workings of the retailer showed that all the resumes submitted for job openings were simply stacked up and then sent to the trash; thus.... it would be more "green" to simply shred them all...same result. In the end, only relatives and friends were hired anyway.

Senior Center Floods in Normal,Mn: Becomes the 'Aquatic Center": Tales From Normal: FICTION

Just received the text from Herman today about the terrible flooding up in Normal,Mn.. I thought it was a tragedy...but it seems that the always positive folk of Normal simply took it all in stride and renamed the Normal Senior Center "The Aquatic Center"---stay tuned for additional updates.

Electric Tesla Sports Car Chosen for Police in Normal, Mn.: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

WOW. Just got the headline from the Garrison Post Newspaper. Texted Herman and he just replied: "Going Green, More Later." Roger that.

I just wonder. Seems with the price tag of $100K it is both More Now and Later....but then it does send a message...about energy saving...and that the police can whip your butt from zero to 60 and still be GREEN. That is cool. I just wonder whether all the lights and equipment will slow it down....This is a developing story.

"Promoting From Within"----Tales from Normal, Mn.: Fiction

(Ed.note: This story is in development: Herman mentioned it to me in passing and promised details later. )


The good old American tradition of promoting from within...the family....the circle of girlfiends or friends, ...and if they aren't one before the first interview, they need to be one afterward....that's what probation is all about.

"Nirvana and the Theory of Uneven Flooring": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Recently I had the pleasure of taking off a full week to fish near Normal, Mn. This year was special though. I had the responsibility of finding a new fishing spot and making all the arrangements for eight guys for a week of catching the big fish---an area that I have not been before, having mostly specialized in sunnies and small perch.

The rest of the guys were relatives and friends, and indeed most had a long history of upscale fishing....that is fishing where one does not really bait the hook by himself, but the guide does everything...including shore lunch. Needless to say, my accomodations were "primative"---no tv, poor cell phone coverage where calls are mostly dropped or never connected...and just minimum laptop connection. Trust me...there was panic at first.

Most of the guys were going through plenty of change, like being 65 and retiring, and had not needed any additonal trauma---and you guessed it, there was a lot of "sharing" of "concerns" about the "primative" log cabin style accomodations----

Finally, after a long rant on the subject by one of the fisherman, a doctor quietly spoke up...yes....the only doctor in the group, and an eye care professional:

"I have developed a theory over the years that whenever there is uneven flooring, there is "heaven" or "Nirvana"----in fact, in the past whenever the trips have been too perfect, the floors too flat, and the challenges uneventful, there has been nothing but problems. Good uneven flooring has been the thing to look for."

"WOW"----the guys were speechless.

However, after seven days of heaven, they were ready for some frenzied cell phone calls and some internet obsession. Still...the seven days of heaven were nice.

Stay tuned. Another of the signs of bliss, is having two plungers next to the primative toilet. I am still working on that theory.

The Free Fishing Pole: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well it's getting to that time again...the slowest retail sales time of the year....and it's just natural to take a moment to think of a fishing getaway....

Last weekend, after carefully checking the car and the antifreeze coolant levels, I headed up that long and winding road north of the Twin Cities to Normal, Mn., the small fishing village where I have been going for 30 years. As I headed into town, I noticed the banner over the street: "FREE FISHING POLE to all NEW fishermen!!!!"

It was just incredible to me that for 20 years or so, the Normal city folk had been giving away free fishing poles to all new visitors---and so I just asked my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer what was up...what was the magic of this deal anyway.

"Shucks Wolfman (that's what he always called me) it is real simple. Our whole existence revolves around tourists...and more than that, tourists that come back again and again and again....We start out that very first encounter with Normal, Mn. with a gift that will last a lifetime, and recognize that in the long term of things, with the cost of bait, fishing poles, boat rental, guides, our initial investment in this new guest is minimul----we want that person to know how important they are to us as a community....It's not RELIGION or GOOD DEEDS...It is just GOOD BUSINESS.

Then he went on:

"In America there are only two types of towns, those that are growing and ...those that are dying. Those that are growing are welcoming the new...those that are dying are ....well...like all folks that are mostly dead...they are blind, deaf, and they think they know everything. Up here, we are eager to learn and listen to our new visitors...and we try real hard to do so."

Well the town was just packed....and the hubub of activity spoke for itself.

Normal, Mn. Announces Informal Hiring Freeze---Only hiring Relatives: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

When one owns a private family business, it is common for the owner to give preference to his sons and family members. This must go back to medieval times when the king had full control of his court, and who served him. In modern times, with professional personnel policies, some companies have advanced from medieval times to a standard of conduct where there is a selection process based on some process of selection.

Recently, I got a text from my friend Herman from Normal, Mn., and he mentioned that they have implemented an "informal hiring freeze"-----as a reaction to the panic of deficit spending I suppose. The surprise kicker is that only relatives of city employees are hired. How about that? Nice twist.

School closes building due to declining enrollment; Considering additonal land purchase right up to last minute: Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

I just received the text message this morn from my old friend Herman from Normal,Mn.. He is the president of the school board there, and even though the school district had been losing enrollment for the past ten years, and yes even though there had been some concerns in the accounting dept about the necessity for merging with another district...yet right up to the end, the Superintendent, who in addition to her advanced degrees had a BA degree in Romance Literature, had been proposing to purchase additional land for expansion.....yup....

Stay tuned for this developing story.

" New Gulag Personnel policies published in Normal, MN.: FICTION

Pretty shocking...today the new personnel policy manual published in Normal,MN.-----and in addition to having it insist that the number one rule be followed: 1) Customers are always RIGHT, was the second: 2) Employees are always WRONG.

Just received a short automated text message letting me know that in these trying competitive times, it was important for all American workers to accept the GULAG standards of treatment for themselves, even if it meant reducing the quality by 40% or so. Stay tuned.

Purchasing and Hiring Policies Established in Normal, Mn.: Will do as they please: FICTION

Received the text message from Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend in Normal, Mn.-----incredible to hear that after a full audit of the books of Normal, Mn., the city insisted on the auditors approval of their policy in order to have the auditing fee paid.....Stay tuned for details.

"Politician Refuses to Vote for Any Bill that is not DEAD CERTAIN: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

It is pretty unusual I thought, to demand absolute certainty before voting for a legislative proposal....especially one that would provide more financial disclosure and accountability from financial firms nationwide...the ones who caused the financial meltdown in the first place...yet I wondered...and called Herman from Normal, Mn for instruction.

"Schucks, Wolfman"( that's what he called me) sometimes politicians in close races just cannot make a logical decision, but in the heat of a close race just blink.....they refuse to vote for anything that is more risky than death---and death is the key phrase---that is what they are really concered with, the ranting threats of the opposition that brings upon them the fear of political death."

Thanks Herman.

Hands of Government turned over to local hardware store: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

WOW. What a development. All the municipal staff laid off and replaced with privatized workers from the local hardware store...after all...they knew the nuts and the bolts....Stay tuned. It seems there was a budget crisis and there was really no choice.....

Predator Drones for Speeding Enforcement in Normal, Mn.: Fiction

Stay tuned for this breaking story... They are pretty darn efficient. And the privatized drone operators are superb, even if they are located in India.

Fireworks as the total Economic Development Program: Tales from Normal, Mn: FICTION

I just received a text message from Normal, MN. from Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend---reassuring me that there were fireworks ALL four nights this weekend.....and with free hearing checks on Monday for all seniors who notice being a little more deaf.

I was stunned by this news. Today, when in the light of layoffs all over, many cities have stopped fireworks all together as something abhorent or decadent, or both. Herman was quick to explain:

"Up here its just Firewater and Fireworks---the total Economic Development Plan...trust me...we have tried everything else and it does not work....It would be nice to have jobs and have earned income...but let's be real and realistic.....fireworks and Firewater is all we can count on. We were already drinking record amounts...so we just had to increase the fireworks, hoping for an increased economic payback.

I just did not have the heart to tell him that Medicare does not pay for hearing exams....oh well....