Normal, Mn.: "The Tale of Loon Lodge"----FICTION

Last week while I was recovering from the recent spate of high school graduations, I spent a long week fishing in my favorite location, Normal, Mn.. It has been almost ten years that I have been making the trek to Normal, and while sitting in Betty Lou's Cafe, sipping a extra strong Mocha with almond flavoring, heaped with lots of whipped cream, Herman mentioned to me that now that I have passed the "decade test" I am elegible to be inducted into the Order of the Loon Lodge.

As I gazed around Betty Lou's, it was filled with other fisherman, and they all seemed to know that I had passed the ten year mark, and was elegible. So---wanting to be excited and yet wanting also to know some details, I asked Herman to explain what was involved.

'Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), it's real simple. Years ago the Order of the Loon Lodge was just bunch of guys that went fishing and looked at the occasional loon that was in them parts.(click on the post to hear the loons). The whole area is zoned recreational, so we were fine with the boats and the small shack that we stored the bait in.

Over the years we got tired of bringing the beer in each time, so we upgraded the facility to merely adapt to the modern times, and ...well...after twenty years or so, it became a two story A frame facility with kitchen area, liquor storage, an area to change clothes and lockers and such. During the off season, the facility was perfect for graduation parties and alumni gatherings. Some guys used to love to use it for bachelor parties. ....and more recently some graduation parties. "

"Is there some sort of charter or code that one has to be inducted into before one can belong,"? I asked.

"Nope"--Herman replied. "Everything is on a need to know basis. When you join, you are told the rules. It's just that simple."

"How much does it cost,?", I asked.

"It costs $450 a year for the full membership. It includes two catered events a year plus extras."

"What extras?, I asked.

"I can't tell you about them until you join. That's just the rules."

Wow. This was pretty stunning. To pay $450 a year to just watch loons just drove my curiousity wild. Click on the post for the sound of the loons. Seem pretty normal to me. There must be something extra. For me. It might be worth $450 just to find out what it was.

I know that lot of folks give me a lot of grief about why I always write about my favorite getaway in Normal, Mn. The fact is that Loon Lodge is just one of those unique historical traditions that is so unique that it makes life, and fishing so special. It is just a shame that we do not have any such tradition back here in Wisconsin.

"Sheriff Shocks Normal"----Fiction

Well it sure is good to have school over. Time to head on up for a little quiet fishing up in northern Minnesota at my favorite fishing hole, Normal, Mn. My in laws just bought a place near Lake Sylvia, so I combined a little moving of furniture with a chance to fish.

As soon as I drove into Normal, I stopped at Betty Lou's for a strong black, extra sugar coffee in those classic Minnesota dark purple Minnesota Viking mugs----Betty Lou never did learn how to make a mocha, so she just made it all extra strong.

As soon as I had settled in the booth, I was joined by my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer, who also served on the Normal Minnesota school board. Herman started right in:

"Wolfman, we've had a real shock up here. Have you heard?"

"Nope" I said. What is up?"

"Last Friday night, with no warning, Sheriff Bob of the Normal County police force conducted one of them traffic stops at the only entrance to Normal, Mn. there is, and he ticketed almost half the town for drunken driving."

"Wow." I exclaimed. What is shocking about that?, I asked.

"Well," Herman went on, "it was just totally unjustified legally. We had just no warning at all. It came right out of the blue. I am just swamped representing half the town for the defense. I'm working 7 days a week with all the fact finding and such."

'What is going to be the theory of the defense?" I wondered.

"It's pretty slick, Herman exclaimed. I am going to plead that because everyone knows we have been competing for the highest drinking state with Wisconsin, and therefore we have had it in our civic pride to drink as much as humanly possible, it is just unfair to convict us on a crime even if everyone was sloshed."

"But Herman, ignorance never is a defense---what else do you have?

"O.K. Herman went on, I have pled a theory of "estoppel" in the alternative. Since the law has not been enforced in these parts since Prohibition, the civil authorities are "estopped " from enforcing them."

"Wow", I exclaimed. that is turning the law against itself. I wonder."

Well. It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where after competing with Minnesota for 75 years, at least we would put out a press release that suddenly the law would be enforced----that would be the gentlemanly thing to do.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: " Perfect Attendence"------FICTION

Recently with my youngest graduating from high school, I have been reliving, as parents are so apt to do, my younger days of glory. In fact, just yesterday it was 45 years since that fateful awards ceremony in 1963-----I was dreaming or dozing after a week of stressful exams and right in the middle of the ceremony, in the midst of a wonderful dream about someone who was going to give me a ton of money to attend college, I heard my name called.....I woke and stood up.

It seems that unknownst to me, I had received the perfect attendence award---one of 4 from the class of 220. Anyway----what a jolting disappointment after my wonderful dream.

I called my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer in Normal, Mn. this morning, and was laughing about the good old days and told him about the award incident. There was just a pause ......then Herman responded:

"I hate to burst your bubble, Wolfman (that's what he always called me.) Up here in Normal, Mn., every student gets a perfect attendence award. It's just normal."

"What!!!! I exclaimed. How could this be? What is the secret to your success?"

With giddy delight, Herman went on-----"It's real simple Wolfman. It's a real WIN-WIN transaction. Each year at the end of the year, we submit all the daily and habitual truancy violations to the local court----and lo and behold because we don't follow the State of Minnesota procedure for these, the cases are thrown out.....and the students records are wiped clean."

"Do you mean to tell me that EVERYONE in Normal, Mn. has perfect attendence officially?"

"YES" he replied.

"And,"Herman went on," Everyone is happy with the result. The parents get good kids, the school gets a perfect record.....and what is even better,....the school gets national awards as being a role model for civic responsibility."

"WOW," I gasped. "That is pretty amazing."

It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Those folks in northern Minnesota sure do have some strange customs-----those purple Viking sweatshirts, the 30 below weather, and most of all, the ......perfect attendence.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Graduation Held Early--April 30th---May Interim Begins---FICTION

Well the graduation season has officially begun. Yesterday I got my first graduation notice. For April 30th. It seems that in Normal, Mn., all the schools are dismissed on April 30th. I simply could not believe it!!!!

I picked up the cell phone and quickly dialed by countryboylawyer friend, Herman, in Normal---he was on the school board as well as being a real estate guru---and yes he was the author of the famous legal text, "Billy Bob on Civil Procedure"---a best seller all across America. It was even more popular in South America where it was recited verse by verse, in Spanish of course.

I could tell once the discussion began that Herman and I were not going to see eye to eye on this.

"Herman, how in the heck can you dismiss the schools right in the peak of drama productions, and most of all the popular sports of baseball, soccer and golf. It is one of the richest cultural parts of the school year. What is the deal?"

"Straighten around, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)----it is precisely BECAUSE these spring activities were so RICH that we decided to simply end the class work---the real truth is that very little was happening in the classroom anyway--why the kids were so sleepy from staying out all night at games and rehearsals that...well...we decided years ago to add Saturday classes during the school year, and simply end the formal classroom work on April 30th. It was just the honest thing to do."

Then he went on:

"Then for May---we have the "INTERIM"---for some it is the drama workshop, for others it is the soccer project, or for others it is "Work study Activity"----The early graduation allows our students from Normal, Mn. to get the very best jobs statewide---it is really something....why those high falutin schools that graduate June 10th or later just do not have a chance---our students have a month head start---Our students average $3000 more per summer than many other students....

And besides, he went on.....after May 1 the fishing season begins....and that is what we do up here...fish. It all makes sense."

It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. ...and besides....May 1st is just too early to start fishing anyway.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Arbor Day Celebration Brings New Twist---FICTION

Well. There is just nothing like May and the celebration of Arbor Day. It just happens every year that it occurs on the week that I regularly head on up to Normal, Mn. to get the boat launched for the summer season of fishing.

I just happened to stop in the local gas station to pick up a copy of the Garrison Times, and right there on the cover was the official proclamation of the Mayor of Normal, Mn. of the legal declaration of Arbor Day 2008. No sooner had I put the paper down on the passenger seat that I noticed while driving through the downtown of Normal....well it was only by the bait shop and the coffee shop....but still it was striking....all the beautiful trees of downtown Normal had been cut down to the ground. I was totally stunned.

When I sat down in the little coffee shop, Betty Lou's Coffee Shop, named for the famous 50's song, "Betty Lou's Got a New Pair of Shoes," I asked Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend, who in addition to being a local real estate attorney, was also a member of the Normal School Board, what the heck the deal was with all the trees being cut down.

I held up the paper and proceeded to quote verse by verse.

Herman, I said, "It says right here: "Whereas trees are a renewable resource.....etc. " Is it not pretty clear that as the proclamation says we are to take care of our trees....not cut them down?"

"Settle down Wolfman"----(that's what he always called me.). Normally it is true that I am a strict constructionist in legal matters, but there is just one area that I prefer to have a more living...... breathing..... interpretation of legal lingo----and it is in the matter of Arbor Day. Let's face it. We are all getting older up here. After each winter is over, with all the raking, cutting, etc of trees, well.....it got to be simply exhausting. Too much. It is fine for you visitors to come to town to simply view all the trees, but it was us locals that had to care for them----and frankly we do not have the ENERGY any more to do so. As a matter of ENERGY CONSERVATION....we cut em all down. We are an "Energy Star" City. And proud of it. " Then he went on.....

In the text portion of the proclamation it simply says that we are a tree loving community AND where consistent, also a Energy Star community. And not in that order. So---we simply decided to cut down all the old, big trees downtown....and replace them with little trees. We will leave it to the next generation to worry about the trees...kind of a legacy thing. It has been a real energy saver. AND the best part----the city council person that cuts down the most trees gets to wear the annual ARBOR DAY BASEBALL CAP----trust me---we all fight for that high honor.

It was hard to believe. A loyal conservative yes Republican lawyer like Herman. Normally a hangin type judge so to speak----here he wanted a liberal construction of the Arbor Day Proclamation so all the old trees could be cut for kindling. I wondered about his state of mind.

Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we follow the letter and the spirit of the law of Arbor Day-----where we do NOT cut down all the trees downtown and where we most surely do not give the honored ARBOR DAY CAP to someone who loves to cut down trees.

Alleluia.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Cost of "cowchips"skyrockets: Herman Explains:----FICTION

Recently after browsing the local Sunday papers, I was just stunned by the rise of commodity prices worldwide----I knew that locally grocery prices had skyrocketed but was not fully aware of the global increase in ...well...everything. Many press pundits were saying that it was all the ethanol producers that were causing the rise of prices because of all the corn diverted from food to fuel.

I just wondered---- about that corn that I was burning---so I took out some and tried to cook it to see what happened. Trust me. Maybe it could be ground....but it is not edible as I see it for humans. It is strictly for cattle.

Sometimes when I read the Sunday paper and ponder these things, I just pick up the phone and call my old friend, Herman, in Normal, Mn., who as a countryboylawyer and member of the Normal School Board, always has a unique perspective.

I tried to explain to Herman that the rise in the price of rice that was causing a panic worldwide was caused by those ethanol folks and such.

Herman just laughed:

"That is just bull, Wolfman (that is what he always called me. Nobody burns rice and yet that has skyrocked 50 percent the last week. You must understand that this is all the work of speculators, pure and simple."

"Remember that the gasoline prices are skyrocketing even though consumption is down as Americans drive less and the economy is going into recession. Even the AAA is mystified. We have allowed the speculators to rule the world, Wolfman."

I could not believe that indeed the speculators could cause such a thing. Then Herman went on:

"The reason I know all this, Wolfman, is that some years ago we constructed a special high tech plant to burn cow manure to produce energy. It was pure state of the art."

"What happened," I asked.

Herman went on: " It was amazing. Within 24 hours the price of cow manure skyrocketed three times and all because there was just a severe shortage of cow manure in Minnesota."

That got me wondering. " I think we have a lot more cow manure in Wisconsin than you have in Minnesota. In fact, we are just full of it. I think we would be o.k. "

Herman went on: "YES----- there is a lot more BULL in Wisconsin, but that is not the point, Wolfman. No matter HOW MUCH, it is NOT enough. The speculators will make the economy of recycling vanish."

I was pretty stunned by the whole discussion. I still thought that there was enough in Wisconsin to burn it to solve all our problems. Still. I would defer to my neighbors to see what they thought.

What do you think?

Dateline Normal, Mn.: School District and Police MERGE to save Energy----FICTION

It has been one of those rainey days. It seems that Northern Minnesota has gotten snow to make it even worse. I felt relieved I had not attempted to head on up to Normal, Mn., my favorite getaway town, just south of Garrison, and West of the Land of Lake Woebegone. Still. I needed some advice from my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer who served on the Normal, Mn. School Board and had a very thriving law practice. I gave him a quick call on my cell phone.

I began by going over what what was happening in our fair city. The latest from the school, the courts, and the city. I explained how green we had become with the electric cars and all. I also mentioned the upcoming fuss about the truancy problem, and the fact that our police spend a fair amount of time at our schools doing ticket kind of stuff.

I could tell Herman was getting impatient with me because he was clearing his throat all the time.

"Shucks Wolfman, we have been there and done that!!!!!!!! We are way ahead of you guys in the energy stuff. We were spending so much time with the police force up here in Normal, Mn. at the schools, that the gas costs were enourmous-----so we just MERGED the two. Now we have the "Normal Police and Schools". They are ALL in the same building complex. It is real efficient. They all drive electric cars up here---and what is best is that only students that drive ELECTRIC cars to school can park in the school parking lot. That has been a brainstorm idea----simply out of the box. We eliminated the parking problem altogether!!!!"

Well. I was just stunned.

Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we don't want to solve the problems so literally. We might want to save a little energy and put up a good face, but yo....we don't really mean it. It's just style points. We still buy matching SUV's to go along with the electric cars. Just to balance it out.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Schools Eliminate Reading.....and Math too----FICTION

Well it sure has been wonderful with the warmer weather having arrived....I always like to give my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. a call about this time of the year because it still is winter up in those parts. Normal is just south of Garrison, Mn., and just west of the land of Lake Woebegone..... A quiet fishing resort village where folks like me can escape to. ..... A place where if there is electricity at night at the motel, it is considered five star.

Herman answered my call on the first ring. "What's up, wolfman,(that's what he always used to call me.)? I quickly replied:

"It has been pretty quiet here in good old Wisconsin, but the big news is that a city near here, Edgerton, has decided to eliminate Reading and simply incorporate it into other courses. I mentioned that some schools were so gifted athletically that it was just a "no brainer" to eliminate an academic course rather than tamper with cutting the costs of athletics."

Herman cut me off in my explanation:

"Shucks, Wolfman, we eliminated BOTH Reading and Math years ago. We simply consolidated them and teach them as part of World History. We go over all the diverse types of counting that have been used over the ages, from the abacus to the latest calculators. As far as the READING course, we teach that as a part of history too-----as in "years ago people actually read something called "BOOKS" that they paid money for, but after the prices got high, audio books that were abridged became popular, and these could be placed on i-pods. Pretty soon, folks who loved reading were considered kinda "BACKWARD." And---cutting math and reading was great cause we could eliminate those salaries. Now we just use an audio library that we download for a set subscription fee. It works neat."

I was just stunned.

It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin----where we know the value of READING and MATH and not just as an element of a history course.

"The Sit Pipe" enters Historic Registry----FICTION

Recently in reading a local tabloid, I was stunned to see that there was a naming of a "SIT PIPE" as a historical landmark in our fair city. I just was totally ignorant of any mention of these in American History, even though I had majored in History in college. So, being dumbfounded, I decided to simply pick up the phone and call my old friend Herman, the countryboylawyer from Normal, Mn. and get some info.

"Herman, have you ever heard of anything called a "SIT pipe?"

Herman let out a loud bellylaugh. "Shucks Wolfman,(that's what he always called me) a "SIT pipe" is similar to a "STAND pipe" and there are usually a couple of them surrounding it. Really, it used to be called a "BENCH", but the term "SIT pipe" makes it sound so much more historical. Ain't that something. Anyway, once it gets the larger name officially, it can be listed on the National Historic Register and be treasured forever."

Wow what a surprise. It never ceases to surprise me what there is to learn from history.

Dateline Normal: LifeSkills Curriculum Success; Regular Curriculum Scrapped"---FICTION

Well. With the new daylight saving time beginning, I suddenly got all sorts of energy and just could not resist the urge to head out of town, and yes you guessed it, up that long road-HWY94-to Normal, Mn., the classic fishing village, just south of Garrison, and west of the land of Lake Woebegone.

I just could not wait to chat with my old friend, Herman, the countryboylawyer, who in addition to being on the Normal School Board, was the biggest resident author in town, having ghost written the famous legal text, "Billy Bob on Civil Procedure." As more and more towns became familiar with this down home text, the demand overtook supply, and ....well...the book was in its 3rd reprinting in just two years.

After I sat down in the booth at "Betty Lou's", the famous coffee shop in town, I wasted no time in asking what was on my mind:

"Herman, back in my fair city, we have had a real emphasis on "Life Skills Curriculum" as the method of preparing students for the day of reckoning---graduation. "

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh. "Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me), it just gets down to real common sense. If a student cannot say "yes sir" when told to do something, who cares whether he/she can add or subtract. Who cares furthermore whether they can read or write. Without the proper attitude, one of total submission, academic subjects are pure bunk. Up here in Normal, Mn., we have simply junked the regular subjects and now just concentrate on the "Yes Sir Curriculum. It has worked wonders. "

I was just totally shocked.

"Do you mean to say that you have simply given up on the regular curriculum?"

"YUP", Herman replied. "Truthfully, we were doing so poorly with the test scores and all, that it actually did us good to simply "opt out" of the testing. It made us look a whole lot better. '"


Well. It sure is good to be back home. Where we do not give up challenging curriculum and substitute "Life Skills" instead. We insist on excellence..... and we have as our motto that every kid can be valedictorian, and in fact are well on our way.

Sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin.

Dateline Normal, Mn: "Pres. Bush did not have 4K"----FICTION

Ed.note: Click on the post for the full article in the Janesville Gazette.)


Recently I read in the local paper that Janesville is going to implement 4K beginning with the next school year, and will be having these at private sites--17 of them to be exact.

In the article, they note that;


" The fact that so many children were not ready for school at age 5 was a major argument that led to school-board approval of the new program.

Officials believe that when parents can’t afford to give their children a quality preschool experience, those children fall behind, and many never catch up, leading to behavior problems, truancy and other problems during their school years and poverty, crime and other social ills when they reach adulthood.

Some say quality preschool for all could be key in removing the student achievement gap between the “haves” and “have-nots.”

However, both “haves” and “have-nots” are welcome to join P4J."

I just did not know what to make of all this. It is right in the middle of the political season, and there is a record low of truth per column inch in the newspapers, and for that matter one gets so many robo calls from candidates who do not even let me interject a question that one just does not know what to think of it all. So....I just picked up my cell phone and called Herman, my friendly countryboy lawyer in Normal,Mn., a small fishing village just south of Garrison, and west of Lake Woebegone.

I got right to the point with Herman: "Herman, what do you make of all the 4K stuff. What do you folks do up in Normal, Mn.?"

"Shucks, Wolfman( that's what he always called me) years ago we had a kid who was a little unprepared for kindergarden and just could not handle a green crayon for the life of him. It was real serious. It is real important to have play based instruction that can prevent criminality in the later years. So----We have "the works" up here in Normal---4k,3k,2k---. And you can really see the difference. Why look at all those politicians like President Bush and VP Chaney----those guys would have been "on the level" if they had been on a level playing field in 4K. It really could have been the difference. One of the first things the kids learn in 4K is that when you are attacked by one kid, you do not hit another. It is real simple. Clearly Bush never learned it and thus he goes and starts the Iraq War. See. 4K. It could have been a real moral compass so to speak."

I admit. This was a hard argument to beat. I still wondered about the costs.

"Where do you get all the space for the program up there?"

"Shucks, Wolfman, it is no problem. We have such a wonderful program that folks simply converted old gas stations into daycare centers. Works real neat. Ya just open the doors when they go out to play. "

"But what about the crime,?" I asked.

"Herman replied, "Shucks, crime is virtually non-existant up here. Well. Besides, with the shortage of funds, we did have to eliminate the police force. It sure works wonders though. The chart for arrests just plunged....just like they predicted."


"Thanks, Herman."

Well it sure is good to be back home. Where we are good with the green grayola. Where we have gas stations and not convert em into daycare centers. And where everyone knows just after birth that when you are attacked by A one does not attack B. I wonder though whether 4K could have been the difference for Pres. Bush. With Cheney, I know that if you have an irregular heart beat, it might cause irregular thinking so 4K might not have helped. Still. I wonder.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Economic Development in Focus----FICTION

Well finally the temperature has risen and the flip side of flooding has risen its head. I was so excited to be able to drive on flat pavement again that I could not resist the urge to head out of town, up that long interstate to Normal, Mn., a small fishing town just south of Garrison, Mn., and a little west of the Land of Lake Woebegone.

Relax. I made a special point on the trip to stop in at the Norske Nook and power up with some blueberry pancakes and a special muffin. Wow. Sure makes traveling a pleasure when ya have a full stomach.

When I arrived in Normal, I headed over to Betty Lou's, the Coffee shop just kiddy corner from the Bait Shop. Herman was waiting for me in a booth. It was one of those vintage 1950's booths with the cracked red vinyl seats etc. A little Johney Rivers "Secret Agent Man" was playing on the juke box, and it felt great to be on the road again.

Anyway....the first thing I asked Herman was about Economic Development. We have been talking a lot about it in our fair city, and I just wondered about his perspective.

"We have a real successful Economic Development Program up here in Normal, and...shucks, it has been almost 10 years now just gettin better every year," Herman said.

I chimed in: "Tell me more. I am all ears. We are looking for just such a program."

Herman launched in on his topic. I could tell it was a favorite of his. "Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me), it must have been about ten years ago a couple of the ladies in town, Millie, Norma and Eloise, had a hobby of making puppets for the local school kids when they put on a small puppet show at school. The more they thought about it, the more they felt this was a goldmine of an opportunity to engage the entire community, get to know one another better, and create a little productive commerce between everyone. So...they recruited other ladies to help with the knitting of the puppets, and lo and behold, soon almost every woman in town was involved.

Quickly, the brainstorm came to the folks at City Hall. Why not use this wonderful opportunity to engage the broader community and make it the centerpiece of the economic development for Normal. Wow. Everybody loved the idea. There were ten sponsors for the ordinance to have the city fully fund this wonderful project. It has been just a wonderful experience. In fact, up here in Normal, we call it the "Normal Miracle." It has just brought everyone together. Who would have thought that a little...or a lot...of puppets could have done that."

I was just a little stunned to hear about this. "But Herman, what has this to do with Economic Development? And besides, you have not added a new business to Normal in 50 years so what is the purpose of all this?"

I could tell by the look that Herman was offended by my question.

"I don't care what others think, Wolfman. We are real proud of our Economic Development Program up here in Normal. It makes us feel real good. And that is what counts."

And that is when I just went for a second cup of coffee, extra strong, with sugar and whipped cream in the dark blue Minnesota Viking mug. I could tell that the subject was closed. Those Minnesota Viking fans sure are stubborn folk.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: "The Virtual Prom"------FICTION

Well. This is the most difficult time of the year. There is an intense urge to break away for a winter getaway, but the perils of driving prevent it, and the costs of an upscale tropical getaway are prohibitive----so I just thought I would give Herman, my old friend in Normal, Mn. a phone call instead....just to reach out and see what might be happening in the frozen tundra.

I wasted no time with formalities once I got Herman on the line.

"Herman, here in Wisconsin we have been in a tizzy about Prom planning and all. It seems that some folks felt that if a destination wedding was the modern thing, a destination prom would be likewise a real attractive option. After all. All the kids would be sharing quality time. The event would create little cleanup. And besides the kids would be on the bus to and from and the risks would be minimized of wayward conduct. So. Lots of plusses. What do you do up in Normal, Mn., Herman?"

"Shucks, Wolfman( that's what he always called me) you completely misunderstand the culture of modern youth. The point is not to share lots of time together. It is really just to spend a few moments uplifting and upscaling the fellow classmates at the ceremony, and then to split to party separately. All the while the parents think they are sipping ice water at the event.

Up here in Normal, Mn., we just do the event virtually-----we just have a VIRTUAL Prom----EVERYONE gets what they want. The school gets no fuss and mess. The kids get to party privately. And what is best of all, nobody gets to drive anywhere. What could be better? Besides. It is so cold up here in Normal, Mn., that nylons and fancy duds are just plain freezing. It just makes sense to go VIRTUAL.

I explained to Herman that here in Wisconsin, we are dead set against VIRTUAL. In fact, WEAC is at war with anything that is not hands on, down home, and hireable.

Herman was not sympathetic.

"If you do not believe in virtual, then you must stop whining about the muss and fuss of real events. Up here in God's country, we are in touch with the new....and the old. It's just the natural way."

Well. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can rail against virtual while we are on the computer 24/7 and never notice the inconsistency.

Alleluia.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: " 250 Who Count"----FICTION

Last week with hardly any meetings to attend, now that the Economic Summit was wrapped up, I just thought it was a good time to head up north and do some ice fishing. Yes...I did stop by briefly at the dogsled race in Duluth, but after giving some pointers to my stringer reporters who were covering the event, I headed on over to Normal, Mn..

After getting comfortable at the Hideaway Lounge, where all the walls are filled with 30 point bucks, and where coffee and non-alcoholic drinks are not even served, I simply asked Herman right out:

"Herman we have a program back in Wisconsin parts called the "50 who Count" where distinguished persons get their name in the paper and their biographies and such....it is a real positive thing back in our home town. Do you have anything like that up here in Normal, Mn.?

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.

'Shucks, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) Up here in Normal,Mn. , we have a program like that, but we call it the "250 That Count".!!!!!!!

" But Herman, there are only 245 people in all of Normal. How do you come up with 250?"

"That's the exciting part. This past year we were 5 people short....and the young folks got involved and stepped forward in a leadership capacity and ....well....the first five newborns made the list. It was a real competition. Up here in Normal, we have the saying, "In Normal, Mn., EVERYONE counts."

I was just stunned. To think that young couples would take it upon themselves to get pregnant just to meet a deadline of 250 population for the year...was surprising.

It sure is good to get back home....where we don't get in such foolish competitions...and where even though we might say that Everyone counts, we would not make a citywide contest about it.

Dateline Normal: Four Sport Athletes the Norm in Normal

Well it was a long weekend getaway for me last weekend----I took Friday off and headed up to Normal to enjoy a little ice fishing. After the second round at the Hideaway Lounge, I started to brag a bit. I went over the fact that in our local high school we have a ton of four sport athletes---something that I never remembered happening much in the big Twin Cities. To be a four sport athlete was a rare thing in my day. That is how I know that Wisconsin is God's country....cause we are blessed with such an abundance of talent.

Finally I could tell that I was getting a bit too enthusiastic cause Herman cut me off.

"Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) up here in Normal, Mn., ALL our students are FOUR sport athletes. Things have changed since you were a youngin. Now days all our students are four sport athletes. Of course more things are considered sports now, like Debate, Chess, Pep, and Dance. It is a different world."

I was just shocked. I had thought we were the only ones. Who wudda thunk.

Then Herman went on: "It is really nice to have everyone required to be four sport athletes, cause then if someone is suspended, they have a "throwaway sport."

"Huh?", I asked.

"Sure, Wolfman----- it is a little like poker. If a guy got disqualified for an infraction during the football season, he could simply sit on the bench during "Chess" season."

Herman then let out a loud bellylaugh. "Aint't that neat."

"But the football guy probably would not play chess anyway. How does that make sense?," I chimed in.

"Trust me it works up here in Normal, Mn. "

Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we don't sit on the bench for the "throwaway" sports, where we do NOT have a chess team.....Still....it did sound like it might be a way of getting those athletes involved in at least watching some good chess....something to think about.

Dateline Normal: "The Case of "DO" and "DUE PROCESS"-------the mystery

Well it has been a real news saga here---with the hot sports story that when one policeman interjected his input that maybe the WIAA should apply some pressure so that local school codes of conduct should be enforced ....that policeman was fired. What a firestorm of controversy. Sometimes when I get these kind of stories, I just pick up my trusty cell phone and call Normal, Mn., where my old friend, Herman, the countryboy lawyer, and veteran member of the Normal, Mn. School Board, is sure to have some fatherly advice for me. Even though he specialized in real estate law, he is the famous author of the textbook, now out of print, although maybe some rare copies are still available from Paul's Book Store on State Street...the classic text titled "Billy Bob on Civil Procedure." I was sure he would be of some help in this matter.

I wasted no time in pleasantries.

"Herman, what is the deal with those "internal investigations" that seem always to last till the athletic season in question is over and done, and the athletes seem to go scott free. What is the deal?"

"It's real simple, Wolfman. (That's what he always called me.) It is called "DUE PROCESS" and it is not spelled with a DO, but with a DUE. These are very reflective folks. They need to spend their time during the academic year meditating and meditating and meditating on all the possible aspects of review possible------why up here in Normal, we have a specific policy that all these matters are handled efficiently on June 15th each school year. "

"But Herman, that is after school is done for the school year."

"YUP". It is real efficient. After all that meditating we are ready to "DO."

Well. I was totally shocked. I had never heard of such a thing. It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where we do not make such niceties of DO and DUE process, and where we promptly handle investigations that need to be acted on.

Dateline Normal: " Development Summit Comes to Normal"----FICTION

(Ed.note: The "Tales from Normal"---FICTION are also available in book form and are on podcast in the ITunes directory. To those of you that have emailed me from all over the world, in order to promptly respond to all, I will just say, "Yes...it might be about you.")

Click on the post for the latest.

Dateline Normal: "Fear of Handcuffs"---FICTION

Recently, after a busy week of writing, I felt the need to do a little ice fishing, and headed out of town, up that long and winding road, up north of the Twin Cities, just south of Garrison, Mn., to my favorite fishing town, Normal, Mn.

After a long drive, and all those cheap gas stations on the way with the coffee that was just a little overcooked, I felt the need for some good old strong fresh coffee...yes served in the tall Minnesota Viking Mugs. I met Herman at the little coffee shop, just kiddy corner to the famous bait shop, the one with the colored stones---the coffee shop was called "Betty Lou's"....after that famous song "Betty Lou's got a new pair of shoes," one of my favorite riffs of the 50's.

After I had a couple of swigs of the strong stuff, I asked Herman something that I have been wondering about for at least 48 hours:

"Herman, "what is the fear of handcuffs called. I never heard of this fear before. Our local town government has a real fear of being handcuffed. What is your take on this?"

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.

"Shucks, Wolfman..(that's what he always called me ) This is God's country....and up here, where the lakes are clean, and the air is fresh....the only folks that have a fear of handcuffs....are...well....confined. Might be in a hospital or prison of some sort. In fact....up here....we celebrate handcuffs....and handcuffs of ALL sorts. We even sell em in the bait shop----Well it is technically the Beer, Bait and Ammo Shop, but we also carry handcuffs....of all kinds too. It is what we call diversity up here.

Then he let out another huge bellylaugh.

I guess I just don't understand. About the handcuff thing. About the fear. Handcuffphobia so to speak. In fact, I cannot even find the fear on Google. It must be something very rare.

Dateline Normal, Mn.: Colleges Eliminate Student Financial Aid

Recently I have been hearing all sorts of wonderful stories in the press...about how institutions such as Harvard, and Yale .....have decided to simply eliminate student financial aid entirely. They plan on making this move to make their schools affordable to the middle class. Of course, if someone has a family income of $500,000 they would be required to pay the full tuition of $50,000. After all...they could afford it.

Still...it seemed so radical....and such a wonderful idea. No student loans....No families having to get a Countrywide Loan Combo and then going through foreclosure a few years later when the special mumbo jumbo legal clauses that made the loan accelerate beyond the capability of any consumer invited disaster for sure.

Meditating on these things....as I often do.....I simply picked up the cellphone and called my old country boy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn., ...yes Herman. Herman was on the Normal School Board, and a big wig up in those parts. Even though he did specialize in real estate law, he was a whizz at civil procedure----in fact, he even published a treatise on civil procedure for small towns across the United States. It was a blockbuster that had made him quite a bit of money. It was ghost written, so he could remain anonymous. I trust that you can be confidential because few really know about this. The title of the book...one of my favorites....is called "Billy Bob on Civil Procedure."

It was a cold day ...and the cell phone call when right through:

"Herman....what is your take on the move of some colleges to eliminate student loans?"

"Shucks, Wolfman.(that's what he always called me.) Up here in God's country, we have made student loans and financing of colleges illegal."

His words hit me like a sledgehammer.

"WHAT?"

"Wolfman--ya got to understand. How could knowledge be WISDOM if everyone goes bankrupt getting it?" We aim in our educational institutions to lead by example. And being a PREDATOR is not setting a good example. Thus....all of our buildings are PAID FOR. We are very frugal up here. What really makes a difference is that we provide housing for all the professors and the students alike. They differ in their needs of course. And...it is INCLUDED in their salary.

What a shock!!!!!!

It sure is good to get back to good old Wisconsin. Where we can get knee deep in debt chasing the dream of education that bankrupts the student and the family. It is just the American way. It sure beats living on a cash basis.

It sure is good to be back home.

Dateline Normal: "Forest and Trees" Program comes to Normal Schools-----FICTION

(Ed.note: This is a portion of the formal press release from the Normal School District, Normal, Mn., sent to me by Herman this afternoon. I have edited it for brevity."---FICTION


A little like chutes and ladders, the key element of this groundbreaking awareness program for elementary students, is the essential skill of distinguishing a forest from a tree. As all adults know, this early predictor skill leads to the ability to distinguish a little lie from a big lie, a little truth from a little lie, and then the ultimate, the ability to distinguish an email generated news story from an unknown remote source from a story that has been really written and investigated.

One of the problems, of course, is that young students, being small and short, think that trees of only small height----- are in fact big trees------ and a real forest. They look big. They seem big. But in fact they are little. That is the real difficulty. How to allow kids to be kids, and yet to gradually improve the skill set so that they can clearly see ------ this is just a little tree......and not the forest.

The most innovative part of this computer program, is the use of candy. When the elementary student correctly identifies the small tree as a tree and not the forest, they are rewarded with candy. This innovative approach has led to a tremendous acceleration of learning. In fact, there has been advanced discussion that this approach might be used in the political sphere in Normal, Mn., in distinguishing "Beef" from "Baloney" in local political contests. The only snag may be a rare Minnesota statute that prohibits any giving of candy in order to influence a vote, or even learning of any kind. Some pundits have suggested that the statute was really referencing "candy bar" and not the small types of candy that will be used.

It is hard to believe that groundbreaking educational policy could come out of Normal, Mn.. Still, it is important to have an open perspective. Stay tuned. One must NEVER underestimate the power of candy.

Dateline Normal: Development Summit comes to Normal"---FICTION

Last week, right in the middle, I got an anxious cell phone call from Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend from Normal, Mn., a land just south of Garrison, Mn., and a little west of the Land of Lake Woebegone in northern Minnesota.

"I need some help up here," Herman whispered. I am putting together a booklet for the first ever Normal Development Summit, and would like some help......."

"What kind of help?", I asked.

"I don't need any advice," Herman rushed on, "I just need some packaging of historical documents of Normal in preparation for the conference."

"No problem," I responded. " I will drive up if you can handle the "usual" expenses. Herman well understood that I only operated if the expenses, the same standard that the Rockford files had many years ago, $500 a day plus any extra expenses. ...were covered fully in advance. "

"No problem." Herman replied.

I was a little mystified in thought as I made the long drive. Normal was a fishing town, and had not added a business in 50 years. I just could not imagine what the whole crisis was about.

"What is this all about, Herman", I asked over an extra strong coffee, heavy on the sugar and whipped cream, and filled fully to the brim of a dark blue Minnesota Viking mug.

"It is real simple, Wolfman.(that's what he always called me). This is a battle between the OLD and the NEW."

"What Ever do you mean? I asked.

Herman went on: "Well, some new fangled contractor wants to build some condos on the lake and make a upscale marina and upscale living area just south of town. "

"What could be better?" I responded. At least they will be building by the Minnesota construction code....that should be a real move up for these parts."

"Ya. That is true. But the downside is that the local contractors will probably not get the business. And that is a deal killer. In fact. As we see it. It is OUR WAY......or the HIGHWAY."

"How do I fit in with your plans, Herman?, I asked.

"Well, Herman said. We need to package a seminar brochure that will look real progressive and all, real high tech and professional....... that will be so complicated and elaborate that it will kill the deal. We will call it "The UNIFIED Code"---as in it is US against THEM. "

Well it was a mad rush of publication, but I got the deadlines handled. Lots of small print and arcane language. Lots of legal mumbo jumbo, but I think I created the perfect gift.

It sure is good to be back home. Where things are a lot simpler. Alleluia.

Dateline Normal: "The Magic of Running the Uncontested Race-------FICTION

Recently, to get away from the stress of the holiday shopping, I headed up that long and winding road to my favorite getaway town, up just south of Garrison, Mn., just east of Lake Woebegone, yes, you guessed it----- Normal, Mn..

I had been reading about all the national news and debate in Iowa and New Hampshire and have noticed that as the voting time comes near, the debates have become very heated. Lots of candidates sure have created a lot of controversy---every WRINKLE has been examined---especially on the candidates faces. Even some of the news pundits have feared that some of the candidates might AGE during the campaign, or even during their term of office. Such heartfelt concern. Such compassion.

I had left a little early on Friday and hence arrived in Normal a little ahead of schedule, and picked up a copy of the Garrison weekly paper, The Garrison Fish Tales. I noticed in the paper that all of the office races for towns were just listed and noticed that every candidate was running "uncontested". Every single one.

After I had met Herman at the Hideaway Lounge, in our usual spot, right under the 30 point buck on the south end of the spacious lounge, I just blurted it out:

"Herman, how come all the political races up here are "uncontested." How could that be? Is not there ANY open debate about crucial issues up here? Talk to me."

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh:

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me), up here we are in God's Country. All the races are "uncontested." It's just the natural way. After all. The guys and gals seem pretty rough and tough------ but deep down, they are real sensitive types. An open and direct discussion might hurt their feelings. We just vote quietly and ....we vote from our pocketbooks...."

"What?", I exclaimed. I have never heard of such a thing. And furthermore, "What does "vote from your pockebooks" mean?"

Herman went on. "That is the simplest of all." Then he picked up one of the many blank yellow legal pads that he had stuffed in his law satchel, and put it on the bar.

"Ya just draw a line right down the middle here," he said. "On one side its marked "IN" and the other "OUT". If the candidate would result in money in, the answer is YES, and if the result would be out, the answer is NO. It is called "self interest." Up here in God's country, it ain't no fancy debate. It's just real down home logic. Money logic. It's just the natural law. "

"And further more," Herman went on---"this ain't no OHIO. We don't have no new fangled electronic voting booths that take four years and extensive legal action to get things even more confused. We just vote on little slips of paper---in ball point pen of course, and then count em up. Real simple."

WOW. I sure am glad to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where we have contested elections. Where we have open debate. Where we have more than little yellow legal pads for analysis. Where we do not have electronic voting, even if we do have PAC telephone robots.

It sure is good to be back home.

"The Normal Mutual Bank"---Fiction

Ed. note. This is one of a long series of fictional tales of a land up in northern Minnesota near the Land of Lake Woebegon. These tales are available on cd and are shipped in a brown paper cover, clearly marked, FICTION. They are also available by Podcast RSS feed. Any resemblance to reality is purely accidental.)

Usually I never enter the state of Minnesota after Thanksgiving, due to the frigid weather. However, with the wonderful weather warm up, on Monday, I headed up that long and winding road, Hwy 10, up to my favorite town just this side of Garrison, Mn.---- Normal, Minnesota.

Over the long drive I had a chance to review in my mind the many meetings recently....and.... I called ahead on my cellphone and told Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend to meet me at the coffee shop---right across from the bait shop---for a cup of coffee. I needed his counsel.

After settling into the comfy booth, I just got right to the point---"Herman, back in Wisconsin, banking seems like it is so complicated. There are Redevelopment Authorities, Economic Development committees, Banks, financial advisors, and more. This reminds me of the time that I went on a long bus trip with the school kids to New York. Afterwards, I told my youngest that it was good we could share some of the experience of high school. She looked at me and smiled. "Well, just because you were there does not mean you are well informed." Yes. It dawned on me that I did not really understand a lot of what happened. But then, all the guys were wearing those cool shades like the blues brothers==== that made it pretty mysterious to an old guy like me. Herman interrupted-----

"Get to the point, Wolfman....you digress.."I went on, "Anyway.....in the recent banking meetings here in Evansville...I have felt likewise. That there were a few things I did not understand. Yes I had the audio. Yes, I had the video. Beautiful color. But still....there was just a little something that I was missing in the "understanding" area."What is it like up here in God's country Herman. How do you do banking in Normal?"

Herman smiled. "Up here we keep it real simple. We have "Mutual" Banking." Then he let out one of those chortling laughs.

" 'I still do not understand, Herman. I know that there used to be "mutual" insurance companies back in the 60's and 70's in Wisconsin, but most of them were converted into "stock" companies. "Mutual" companies are a real dinasour." There is no such thing as mutual banking anymore."

Herman just laughed. "Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)----- you are dead wrong. Up here in God's country we take our "Mutual" companies REAL seriously. It's all about committment. "Mutual" ranks right up there with fishing and whiskey.

In a mutual company, the "customer" is the owner. Up here----- we take our religion and our "mutual" banking real literal like."

" I still do not understand, I wondered aloud. How does this make a difference?"

Herman grew impatient, "It makes ALL the difference in the world, Wolfman. Up here we just walk in and TELL the banker what the terms are. We are the boss. It is just real natural. Real simple. It's really the natural law up here in God's country.

Thank goodness I'm back in good old Wisconsin. Where we don't have any "mutual" banking. Where customers are customers, and bankers are bankers. Alleluia.

Dateline Normal School District: GTT Program in Normal Gets Award---FICTION

Well it has been a real hectic Christmas season this year. Folks have been gathering their cash up and waiting, and waiting, and waiting to shop after Christmas. Sales have been good for books, and bath salts and lotion. And yes, sales of 'The Tales From Normal" have exceeded expectations.

After pondering all the minutes of our local school district, and watching the budget stress in our fair state----and seeing the cuts being made---yes there have been BOLD cuts to eliminate MATH competitions in Janesville, BOLD cuts in Edgerton to AP programs in Chemistry and Physics---cut to one semester---just cut enough to ensure enrollment but not success in passing the AP exam. And first on the BOLD cuts list has been the GT programs for the brightest of our students. Yes. It is kind of like cutting the tallest basketball players from the basketball team----after all. Gotta make things fair for everybody.

As I wondered about these matters, as I often do, I just picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn.. Herman is a distinguished member of the Normal School Board, and yes a practicing lawyer, specializing in real estate. Well. Mostly recreational real estate. Fishing shacks mostly. I knew that Minnesota was real high on identification of talented students, so I just plain out asked him:

"Herman----what do you folks have in the way of GT education up there in Normal, Mn.?

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh.

"Shucks Wolfman, we are way beyond the GT programs. We have GTT programs. The problem with the GT programs up here in Normal---well there were several problems. First, all the kids up here in Normal, Mn.are gifted. Everyone is on the National Honor Society. It's just the natural way up here in God's country. Secondly, we got to the point that all we had was GT staff and no money left to administer any programs. It was a real fiscal problem."

"What ever did you do, Herman?" I asked.

"It was real simple, Wolfman (that's what he always called me.) We changed it to the GTT Program----The Grand Travel Tour Program. Each year we take as many kids as possible on a tour of countries abroad, with their teachers of course. We simply do not believe that any "virtual" tour is comparable to the "enriched" hands on real life experience of world travel. "

I was totally shocked. "You mean every child is enriched by world travel?"

"YUP" Herman chortled. "If they wern't Gifted before the world trip.....they sure was gifted AFTER they got back."

"How could you call it "classroom instruction" I asked?"

"That is the breakthrough," Herman explained. In reviewing the "virtual school" concept we discovered that by a slight modification of the definition of "classroom" we could make any flightplan comply---and presto the Travel Tour program was born."

"WOW" I gasped. That is stunning. " "And what about the frequent flier miles, I asked?"

"Those extra frequent flier miles are simply given to the teachers. Our accounting system just did not have a category for em. It works out real handy."

Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where our schools still have GT programs and not GTT programs, even if the GT programs have only the staff and no money to dispense.. ...... And where we do NOT confuse the junket expenses with enriched educational programs.

What a relief.

Dateline Normal, MN.: "Book of Minutes" wins Best Fiction Award

Well, it has been a long week....with the weather and all...the slick roads...the heavy lifting of snow shoveling....and I thought it would be good to get out on the road, the freeways should be better I thought....and head up to the good old frozen tundra for some old time ice fishing. This weekend was the annual fishing contest in Normal,Mn, that famous fishing town just south of Garrison, and just west of the land of Lake Woebegone.

After I checked into the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel with stuffed animals on every wall, and the pull down king size beds in the wall, and of course with the mini-dove bars in the ash trays for a touch of upscale cache---I decided to take a short nap--too many hours of following snow plows and stopping in gas stations with sub par coffee had left me weary.

As I reached over to the nightstand, I noticed a book there with the usual sacred red cover, and the faint picture of a sundial on the cover..... I wondered..... I usually just dismiss the usual Gideon Bible thing, but wondered about the cover. The sundial just got my interest. Then I noticed the title: "The Book of Minutes".

I was familiar with the Book of Virtues, the Book of Psalms, the Book of Noah, etc, etc, but never...."The Book of Minutes." As I browsed through the nicely arranged book, I saw the art of Herman at work. All the minutes of the meetings of Normal, Mn. were in perfect order. And, there was even blank pages....I assumed that this was for folks to make notes in the margin for questions to ask. After reflection on the deeper meaning of the minutes.

After a brief nap, I headed over to meet Herman at the Hideaway Lounge. After slipping into the empty spot at the bar, i just asked him directly, before I could forget:

"Herman, "What is with the Book of Minutes, anyway?"

"Shucks Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)the book of minutes is what we call "The Good Book" up here in God's Country. It has all the doins of City Hall and such. And folks read it before going to bed at night---it is guaranteed to make them real sleepy...and fast."

"I understand the minutes thing, Herman. It's just the blank pages that I do not get. What is up?"

Herman let out a huge bellylaugh:

"Shucks. Those are the minutes that they forget to write. But the way it is written, it looks like it is spots for folks to write their own minutes. It could be that too. We leave it kinda vague on it. Still. Half of the book is blank. We intended it that way. It lets the folks use their imagination about what actually happened."

"What ever happened to the Gideon Bibles?" I asked.

"Shucks, Wolfman---we don't need them anymore. And besides. Ya can't write in them. " And the best part is that we have won a National Fiction award for the Book of Minutes. The Critics just loved it."

Well after a great weekend, I headed back to good old Wisconsin. Where we don't have any fiction in our Book of Minutes. Where even if we could have the Book of Minutes in the nightstand of each room in our brand new hotel....we would still have the Gideon Bible right beside it.

Dateline Normal: "Big D"---"The Pearl Harbor Strategy_---FICTION

Dateline Normal: Big "D"; or "The Pearl Harbor Strategy"--FICTION

(Ed.note. This is one of a long series of fictional sketches from a land in Northern Minnesota, just south of Garrison, called Normal, Mn. These sketches are available on Cd and are shipped in a brown paper wrapper clearly marked, FICTION. Any resemblence between this land of make believe and reality is purely accidental.)

This weekend, anticipating the big Packers-Vikings football game, all the relatives headed up to the cabin for the last time to savor a moment in Normal, Mn.. Mark, Chris and Patrick all gathered with me at the little diner across from the bait shop for a little pre-function prior to the game. I introduced them to my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer, and a member of the Normal School Board. Both Mark and Chris, being business owners, hit it off instantly with Herman, cause of his crazy legal theories and wild sense of humor.

Mark began his analysis of the upcoming Packer game with a long discussion on "Big D" and that it was very unclear who had the best defense, the Packers or the Vikings. The anlaysis was very detailed. Mark had the theory that defense was what won football games. Yes, even with explosive passing teams like the Vikings and Packers.

Herman listened for a long while. I could tell he was pondering something deep.

"What are your thoughts on this, Herman?" I asked.

"Up here in God's Country, "Big D" has a deeper meaning. It stands for DEBT. "

I just then felt a little remiss, because I had not explained to the guys that Herman had been in a long battle as a member of the Normal School board that had added lots of debt to their balance sheet, and in fact had vaporized their fund balance---an act that had caused an uproar of community anger. I took a moment to give the boys a little background.

"Man, up here we are called to lead. It's called the big D----DOMINATION. I know the folks do not want to follow, but ....well....that's just their role. I am going to dominate. It's just my natural way. I just use the Pearl Harbor Strategy. We load em up with debt, take all the cash and then tell them that we need them to bust the levy limit. It's just a wonderful strategy. It's sheer moxie."

"You mean that you deliberatley create disaster in order to lead your community?" Mark asked.

"YES. YES. That IS the plan exactly," Herman said with wild enthusiasm. "It is the ultimate management tool. It is asymetrical warfare.

Mark was just stunned. He was a master of leverage. Just the thought of disaster as a management tool was a shock to his senses---- still, I could tell the "Domination" part was pretty attractive.

I had thought that Big D was about football. I had not thought of the deeper meaning. Like big DEBT, big DOMINATION, or big DISASTER.

At half time, after Favre has thrown a couple of wonderful passes, I had the feeling that the Packers would have their way. I knew how ugly Herman could get when the Vikings could not dominate, so I headed down Hwy 10 for the long drive home.

Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where big "D" is about DEFENSE. Where DEBT, DOMINATION and DISASTER are NOT the strategy of our school boards. And where our favorite colors are the green and gold---not purple.

Dateline Normal: "Administrator Estates"---a Thanksgiving Day Tale

Dateline Normal: "Administrator Estates"------a Thanksgiving Tale

(Ed. note. The following is one a long series of sketches that are also available on Cd and mailed out in a brown paper wrapper, clearly maked FICTION. Any resemblence between these tales and reality is purely accidental.)


Some years back we made a firm and fast rule that we would make our last trip to Minnesota on Thanksgiving. Too many ice and snow problems. So----yesterday--on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I joined the millions and headed up HWY 94 and then at the Twin Cities it was bumper to bumper as I headed north to that famous land near the land of Lake Woebegone---the land of Normal, Mn.

This morning, Thanksgiving, I headed over to the local diner to get a bit of Thanksgiving turkey and chat with all the locals. There I met with Herman, my countryboy lawyer friend, who in additon to being on the Normal School Board, was a celebrated lawyer in the northern parts.

I mentioned to him that we in Evansville were hiring a new administrator. We had two excellent administrators but both had only served two or three years and then taken other jobs but remained in the town to raise their families. I just wondered how things were done in Normal.

"Shucks Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) we have plenty of administrative talent up here in Normal."

"How could that be?" I asked. It is so isolated up here and there is so little to do. How could you attract fine talent?"

"It's real simple," Herman replied. It's called "Chains of Love." We lure them with the benefits. "

"I still do not understand," I said.

"We do the real natural thing up here in God's country. Once they have served three years, we give them a paid for home, tax free in a special subsection called "Administrator Estates." Shucks, it's got a club house, a beautiful park---even a golf course is within walking distance."

"That must be very costly," I wondered.

"Not really." Herman quipped. "Ya gotta think strategically, Wolfman. Once they have served and have the wonderful home, they continue to live here and serve on committees, budget and such. Shucks, we have some of the finest talent in Minnesota right here in this little northern burg. So------it is very cost effective."

Then Herman pointed to the wall where there was a large picture of the main lodge of Administrator Estates. It had that A-frame look but was in very upscale style---almost like Grandview Lodge of Minnesota.

"It looks wonderful," I said. "But does it have a Starbucks?"

"Shucks no, Wolfman. Up here they are so excited by the wonderful homes, the career and the family life that they don't need any fancy coffee. Just simple Maxwell House, lots of sugar and whipped cream."----in the dark blue Viking mug of course.

All the "Normal" benefits of service are just our way of saying Thank You for all their fine work. It's kinda like Thanksgiving."

Tomorrow I have to head back to good old Wisconisn. Where we have some Starbucks and fancy coffee and such. Still. I had to admit that the concept of Thanksgiving as Herman and the folks in Normal did it was pretty nice. I just wondered what the locals would think of "The Administrator Estates" concept. There was 8 1/2 years to think about it till a new subsection could be platted. That seemed plenty of time to plan properly.

(Happy Thanksgiving to all those who have served or are serving our community.)

Dateline Normal: Earplugs out of stock in Normal; "To Hear....but not to Listen"----FICTION

After a hectic weekend near Chicago midst the snow and sleet, I thought a little break was in order. I headed on up that long and winding road up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities to my favorite getaway town, Normal, Mn. The regular tourists have long gone as the conditions are not passable for anyone but the regular hardy boys---the regulars that ice fish right through the winter.

After checking in to the Spruce Goose Motel, the one with the pull down king size beds, with the stuffed animals on every wall, and yes, with the small mini-dove bars in the ash tray to give it a touch of upscale class.....I headed on over to the law office of my countryboy lawyer friend, Herman.

Before I got to the office, though, I headed into the local five and dime store to pick up some earplugs---something that I have become accustomed to needing for stays in small town motels. Now that I was ageing slightly, I needed a full nights sleep uninteruppted by neighbors.

"We are all out of earplugs!" the petite sales girl said. 'All the local politicos have cornered the market. We will not have any more till the first of the year."

Just a little bewildered, I headed over to Herman's office.

"Herman," I said, what the heck is going on with the earplugs. There has been a run on them. Next to big screen tv, it is number two in sales in Christmas retail trade up here. "

Herman let out a large bellylaugh.

"It's real simple, Wolfman (that's what he always called me.) The local politicans have promised the voters that they will listen. However, there are some real fine political plums that they know the citizens do not want. They want to be honest. To keep their word. The only way they can honestly say they have NOT heard the voters protest, is to put earplugs in their ears. It is a real tough minded thing."

WOW. I was totally stunned. Voluntary Deafness is a rare political strategy.

I had a rough weekend with very little sleep. Noisy neighbors. I sure was glad to get back in our fair city. Where we still have earplugs on sale at our stores. Where politicians do not wear ear plugs so they do not hear the voters opinions. and where due to the toughness of character, voluntary deafness is a trained skill and does not require earplugs.

(Orig Post 11/30/2007): Dateline Normal, Mn.; The Maze of Love; The "MAP" is the key----FICTION

(Ed.note: The Tales from Normal---FICTION are now available in book form. Click on the post for the first volume. They are also available via podcast on Itunes. You can subscribe to all the TALES by scrolling to the end and clicking "subscribe." Now you can be up to date and never miss an episode. Just think. Someday even cites will have their minutes and agendas available just like the Tales From Normal. Imagine.)



Well this morning I have been reading in the headlines that authoritative pundits have discovered that men talk as much if not more than women. Yes. Quite a surprise. However, what the newspaper articles do not discuss, is whether the talk is about anything similar. I would think not.

As the parent of three girls, and the youngest now graduating from high school, I can say that I have tried to diagram the content of the discussion of the last decade in order to find my way out of the maze of analysis of relationships----and despite my total dedication to discovering the secret, have come up empty. Yes. I need a MAP.
After all, without a map, whether it is about LOVE or SWAMPS, ya just do not have ANYTHING.

Wondering about all this, as I always do, I picked up the phone and gave my old friend Herman, the country boy lawyer in Normal, Mn. a call. He must have some knowledge about his. He was single however. A confirmed bachelor. Still. I wondered if he could be of some help.

Herman was a specialist in real estate law. And he was a prominent member of the Normal, Mn. school board---- Normal, Mn. was up in the lush fishing territory of northern Minnesota, just south of Garrison, Mn., and it was surrounded by water. I figured that Herman must have some experience with SWAMPS as well as LOVE. I hoped anyway.

"Herman---what is the MAP of "love". I really need some help here. Is the situation anything like the MAP of SWAMPS?"

"Shucks, Wolfman (that's what he always called me.) The MAP is the key thing in LOVE and in SWAMPS. Without the MAP it just ain't REAL. It is just BOGUS. You can be knee deep in love ....or a swamp, and never know it without a certified MAP. Of course ya have to pay a consultant for a MAP. Even if it is drawn on a napkin. Then ya pay the fee..... usually a high fee. Then it becomes REAL. It is real MAGIC."

Up here in Normal, each parcel comes with a MAP and every woman comes with one too. That way, they are prepared for the real world. They are CERTIFIED real."

I was just shocked.

Still. It made sense. Ya just needed a MAP. Without the certified MAP, ya could be in LOVE, or be in a SWAMP, and nobody would know.

Dateline Normal: "Old Time Religion"---FICTION

Recently I have been reading of the efforts of one of the "Old Time Religions" to put an end to the new fangled guitar folk dudes that have infiltrated the sacred time of the era of Gregory----the days when Gregorian chant was king. I had grown up midst the old time chants, since I had been raised and taught by the Bendictines. As I got older and the folk music came to all the churches, I kinda adjusted to the guitar folk music. After all, Bob Dylan was playing at the four corners on the University of Minnesota. Nothing like a good version of "Leopard Skin Pillbox Hat" to get me in a real bluesy or soulful mood.

It seems though that some felt this was an intrusion into the sacred notions of religion. I just wondered what was a reasonable philosophy to have about it. The whole nation seemed pretty divided about it.

The Church wanted to appeal to all those folks that they had lost back in 1960 when the Latin was changed for the vernacular. Those were the folks that were in their 60's then. They would be about 100 years old now. It was hoped by the reintroduction of the old time chants, that those folks would again return to the churches across America, and begin contributing at the collection plate.

I always have loved sales, and marketing. There just seemed to be a problem with the nonexistence of the market segment they were hoping to attract. After all. Those folks had been dead for years.

I was willing to listen though. And I thought to give it a fair hearing, I should call my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn.. Herman was a countryboy lawyer there, and as you know, a distinguished member of the Normal, Mn. school board. When it came to "quid pro quo", fishing, or Latin....he was the closest thing to an expert in the town. It was a cold, wintery day, so my cell phone call went right through.

Herman was out in the fish house ice fishing. I could hear the music in the background.

I got right to the point:

"Herman, what is the old time religious music like up there in Normal, Mn.? Do you still have any of that Gregorian chant stuff up there?

"Shucks NO Wolfman----up here in Normal, Mn., we have had to make an adjustment in order to SURVIVE-----up here it is real cold. Years ago, we had a preacher that introduced the POLKA Mass here in Normal, and it was a huge success.

The first thing to note about the POLKA Mass is the pace----the music is at CUT time---and folks have to move quickly---and that makes their blood flow and they experience an "Inner FIRE" that makes them experience a real warmth. Once they had gotten hooked on the POLKA Mass, they just could not go back to the chanting. Besides, there are no exercise clubs up here in Normal, and the exercise of the polka dancing is real healthful. "

WOW. I was just a little stunned. I had not thought of SACRED TIME as referring to a musical time signature. Still, the more I thought about it, the adjustment of Normal, Mn. seemed to be perfectly suited to the northern tundra.

I just wondered though. Was it cold enough in our fair city to have the up tempo TIME? Maybe it would be too fast a beat.