Band Trip Chaperone Protocol Used for Secret Service in Normal, Mn.: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Band director of the Normal, Mn. marching band indicated his approval of the use of the traveling band chaperone protocol for the Secret Service. He noted in off the cuff remarks that there were many similarities in the from dawn to midnight scheduling, the tight minute by minute agenda, and the special difficulty of keeping the brass section in control---he offered some tips to the Secret Service if they would contact him personally...That brass section can get by on almost no sleep, and with the heavy use of shades in the morning, ya never do know if they slept or not. Anyway. It was quite an honor to have this protocol be of service to those of the highest offices of the land. Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

Businesses Show Wild Support for Governor who destroys Jobs: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Business and Manufacturers Group representing Normal,Mn. today wildly endorsed their governor, known as Billy Bob, for a second term in office, despite having destroyed almost half, 50% of the jobs due to his policies. When asked about the logic of such an endorsement, one small business owner simply smiled and said that it was just the haves vs. the have-nots, and at the end of the game, he wanted to be with the predators..Even if every business was destroyed, if only he could remain, he would be satisfied with the endorsement....he was just thinkin of himself.....and he saw politics as nothin but self interest pure and simple...

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Governor says He has created 300,000 jobs. We just cannot see them: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Governor of Normal, Mn. today, in a hastly called news conference, stated that he has indeed been true to his word and HAS created 300,000 jobs...it is just that we cannot see them. Upon hearing this, the press was just completely stunned. The male press began flipping through their Superman comics...and the women in the press began playing dress ups...It was "Let's Pretend" Time. Stay tuned. I will faithfully report all the relevant news as this unusual story develops.

Alzheimer Patient Awarded "Survival of the Fittest" Award: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Beloved "Rosie" of the Normal, Mn. Nursing Home, Home of the Perpetual Fisherman, was awarded the distinguished and coveted "Survival of the Fittest" Award in a low key coffee and cake ceremony today in Normal, Mn.. In remarks delivered by one of her LPN staff, Rosie thanked all the ladies for coming to the ceremony, and indicated her surprise at having actually gotten old...it seemed to have just crept up on her....that all these years she had been concerned about being the fittest and had diligently spent all her money on preserving her health with annual vacations abroad and down south, and it had just totally surprised her...and now that she was 97 she was pleased to accept the award...since it was the highpoint of a conservative self centered life well lived for the benefit of herself.

Dateline Normal, Mn.; Why secret service abstinence matters Explained: FICTION

In a routine public works committee meeting today in Normal, Mn., the nuts and bolts leader of that committee explained to the three folks attending, that it was very important to have the secret service abstinent since in the past the highest leaders of our distinguished nation, and indeed the IMF, have participated in such unseemly conduct that it was important for someone to be sober and chaste....to preserve our black bag for nuclear response, and to ensure that someone was incharge...just in case....leadership was needed. He then mentioned that this nation is confronted by the wild and crazy behavior of North Korea that is planning to conduct a nuclear test just to make up for a failed rocket launch, and that when faced with trying to unravel the logic of such rogue states, it takes clear minds, and sober minds to unravel the rogue logic, and thus sobriety and chaste thought is essential, and indeed may not be available at the highest levels of government...the secret service needs to be alert. Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

Legislator Proposes Abstinence and Sobriety for Secret Service and Military: Cites Benefits:Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Word has spread like wildfire today as Legislators in Normal, Mn., that sleepy fishing town in northern Minnesota, where the peace of walleye fishing gives the politicos a clearer understanding of how to remedy world problems,...the legislators proposed that all secret service and military personnel would immediately be required to pass abstinence and sobriety tests or be discharged from service. The news has prompted such an immediate surge of discharges from service, that the result has been a tremendous increase in the esteem and pride of those serving this great country, and also a tremendous increase in the prospect for world peace. Married men just have not seen the attractivenes of traveling all around the world to be sober and abstinent. Conservatives from Wisconsin have been particularly pleased with the result, since they have always asserted that abstinence, and indeed ignorance is the cure for most of the ills of society, and especially the cure for TOP Gun types... Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

All the Clergy are Married in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Well it's spring, and now that the frozen tundra has warmed up, it is time for me to get back up to the cabin in Normal, Mn., the small fishing village near Garrison where I get away from the wild and crazy politics in Wisconsin, and settle in to some peaceful walleye fishing and such, and start each day off at Betty Lou's Cafe, where all the coffee is double strong black, and in a tall blue Minnesota Vikings mug, which are in short supply because Betty Lou is unsure whether the Vikings are going to stay in Minnesota, so the mugs are available for sale, but for $19.95 as a tourist item.....but I digress. I stopped in last Sunday at the Church of the Perpetual Fisherman, and chatted with the resident pastor, who travels between three parishes in Northern Minnesota, but makes his home in Normal, MN with his wife and 3 children...yes he is married, and in fact, he is my hero, along with all of Christ's apostles who were ALL married. Ah if only we could purify the Church and take it back to the days when the focus was on reaching out to spread the WORD rather than whether the proper response is "With your Spirit" or the more correct Hebrew version....." But I digress....and ALL the nuns in Normal, Mn. are Married too....that's the way it always has been in Normal, Mn...Where the nuns have been involved in teaching and such....

Locals still want to be called "GREEN": Tales from Normal, MN.; FICTION

Just got the press release minutes ago, that the downhome folks of Normal, Mn, despite failed solar projects, and a wind turbine that had to be dismantled for lack of maintenance, and a public electric utility that relies heavily on COAL generation....they still want to be called the "GREEN CAPITAL of the WORLD". It seems that they want to VISION, and in the depths of failure they want to see it as an opportunity..... Stay tuned as I follow those optimists of the frozen tundra.

Governor Says by His math lots of Jobs created; Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn .....the governor has declared that jobs have increased during his tenure---correction....his press secretary has just wired that he meant : "CASES", not jobs, and for data purposes he has lumped them all together....when one calculates all the bankruptcy "CASES" generated in Normal, Mn.,...it has resulted in a boom..... \ Yup...a big boom.

Spread the Light Liturgy Still will be held in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Recently in the frozen tundra, some sensitive congregations of the faithful have been concerned about the Holy Saturday liturgy in that while all those members of the Congregation of the Faithful are spreading the light in the pews, there is..well...some...smoke that is being inhaled...and it might be bad for ones health.... I just got the text from Normal, Mn. Church of the Holy Faithful, that the traditional service of the "Lights" will be held on Saturday night this week, and not withstanding the squimishness of certain Christian sects that are worried about a little smoke, the Light of Christ will be spread as in the traditional liturgy, before the environmental progressives got involved in liturgical development. There is limited seating so arrive early. Lumen Christi

Rich argue that it's not logical to tax the rich--need to tax those with no money: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn, the sleepy fishing town up in northern Minnesota, where all day every day, men wonder what the bass are hungry for.... Today, the breaking news is that conservative pundits at Betty Lou's coffee shop, the only coffee shop where everything is double caffeine, and where whipped cream comes standard in the blue tall Minnesota Viking coffee mugs, the pundits have loudly asserted that the poor or those with no money should pay more taxes and the rich should not be burdened with such things. They assert that the poor are just lazy, and if they were not lazy they would be rich and be benefited by paying no taxes...so a huge incentive there. ...and that is the American way.... Stay tuned.

Parents Protest School Homework: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Parents of school children of all ages picketed the Normal, Mn. School District office today to protest the proposed policy that children would be required to do homework from their classes. Previously the classes had always been divided up so that some of the instruction time was for completing homework. Over the years, the instructional time had been reduced to almost zero and hence the change. Parents were furious. One parent, Billy Bob, protested that first of all "Them math problems are too complicated for me to help my kids with," and besides "we have more important things to do at night, like watch basketball, and work on our cars." What a sight it was, with all the signs and chanting..One of the signs read: "No more Home wurk". I guess that says it all.

Oil Option Traders Blame Pres Obama for Oil Rise: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Oil speculators in Normal, Mn. were furious today at the recent rise in oil on the exchanges and in terse interviews blamed President Obama for his actions as the cause of the rise....without the rampant rise in oil prices put buyers had hoped to make a killing in the various complicated spread options they had put on, but now they face the prospect of not making a tremendous profit on their hedges and they blame the President. In related news, put buyers on the auto sector were furious that the auto industry has survived, and blamed the President for saving an industry that clearly was headed for the eve of destruction, and complained that they would have made a killing on their positions except for the actions of the government in saving autos. In related news, the politicians in Normal, Mn asserted that if only the unvarnished predatory instincts of market makers were realized then the true bloom of the original vision of the Founders of Democracy could flourish---and then, and only then could a few elite few emerge to lead this great nation, and they could be distinguished because they would only be paying 15% of their income in taxes and would be driving Cadillacs to show that they really do love America.

Students Major in "Study Hall" in Normal, Mn: Fiction

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that after a comprehensive five year study on the effect of the 4 period day in Normal, Mn, the distinguished group that performed the detailed study concluded that most of the high school graduates majored in "Study Hall" and also that it was very popular...popular because it reduced instructional time, which was nice for students and faculty alike.

"Cheap Products Rock": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTON

In response to the growning scandal in Normal, Mn. that the largest computer manufacturer in Normal had not been ensuring that subcontractors be paid, they issued a press release today that they stood committed to the lowest possible pricing every day, and wanted to go slow in considering any action that might affect prices. Unemployed citizens that wanted to work for nothing were encouraged to call their toll free number to arrange an interview, or apply online. These non-paid positions were going quickly.

After Ships Sink Company decides to Emphasize Safety: Tales from Normal, Mn: FICTION

In a shocking announcement today, the largest cruise line company located in Normal, Mn announced that they will consider seriously placing Safety as their highest concern in the future. On further questioning they did not indicate where safety had ranked in previous endeavors.

Computer Giant Explains Jobs Created: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

A leading computer manufacturer today proclaimed that they have created over five thousand jobs last year, and explained that the number would have been 500,000 except that they did not count the employees that they did not pay because independent contractors had stiffed these employees of their wages. In related news, the University of Wisconsin Chancellor said he stood firmly for human rights, except in some cases where money was involved, and wanted to go slowly in the matter of the Addidas contract where many employees had not been paid---in fact almost 1.5 million dollars worth of wages...and In related news, the University of Wisconsin has said that its alumni "felt comfortable" in providing alcohol to underage athletes, a press announcement that was ignored since the whole nation already knew this breaking news.

Sunglasses Sales Skyrocket On Wall Street: Tales From Normal, Mn; FICTION

It's a sunny Sunday on Wall Street---I just got a text from Herman who is on vacation in New York this weekend---he says that almost every paper he reads has touted that everything is sunny indeed, and in fact, the recent Barrons magazine has a headline that says the stock market is the "little engine that could." NICE.

Normal, Mn. advertises for "Contraction Specialist": Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn that they have formally advertised nationwide for a "Contraction Specialist" to guide the esteemed resort community as they face decline in tax base and difficulty in finances. In a press release, the city has explained that there is a nationwide glut in positive thinking optimists who have never actually "contracted" anything, but have resumes filled with expanding positive spending strategies that are not appropriate for Normal, Mn.. One of the paragraphs of the advertisement of Normal, Mn. struck my eye. "Applicant who has failed at a business enterprise Preferred..Must show experience rebounding from setback...Details required..

Predator Candidate Urges Employed they would be better off destitute: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text from Normal, Mn. this evening that Billy Bob, the foremost walleye fisherman in the northern parts, has echoed the comments of the frontrunning presidential candidate, and suggested that all those employed would be better off if they were unemployed, because then the private enterprise of the predators could do their magic..... and the real miracle of capitalism could emerge..... and while a few might die, over the long haul, over may be hundreds of years, some really wonderful things would happen, right here in the frozen tundra, and in fact in gods country, some really fine things might emerge in maybe a few hundred years or so...stay tuned.

"Governor "title changed to "Shakedown Specialist" in Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The locals of Normal, Mn. reacted quickly this morning on the news that Gov. Walker of Wisconsin has announced that he will corral part of the mortgage settlement between banks and states for the purpose of aiding distressed victims of improper foreclosure process and take the money to balance the Wisconsin budget....... The notion of the states acting to protect the public by demanding settlement for improper conduct and then pocketing the settlement and not helping the very victims of the bad behavior is old indeed....think back to the actions by states against infant formula producers----seems that has been some thirty years ago, and I am still waiting for my portion of the ripoff in the form of a personal check from these guys---but in truth, whether it is insurance fraud, mortgage fraud, health insurance fraud, securities fraud ...etc ad nauseam, the theory of government is that in the event of bad behavior, shakedown the evil doer and let the victim fend for themselves..... Citizens of Normal, Mn. have decided to replace the title "Governor" with "Shakedown specialist" to more accurately reflect the duties that have been revealed to be the essence of their dignified public positon......local lawyers of Normal, Mn. are also considering whether states that conspire among themselves across state lines to defraud and steal from the electorate might be conidered to be chargable under the RICO statutues of old----in the old days criminal empires were pretty low tech---now days interpretations might be upgraded to the uptempo world of gangsta ways.

Local Hospital President Explains Millions in Salary: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The local hospital titan from Normal,Mn announced in a startling press release that his current salary of three million dollars is NOT excessive when one considers that he is the head of 15 different shell organizations that the corporation has been split into---and he further reassured the locals that because he capitalizes his salary, it never affects patient costs---he treats it just like a building expense... And furthermore.....he is in charge of all accounting of the organization. NICE,

Local School DEMANDS explanation on why folks are leaving town: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

In an emotional school board meeting last night, the Normal, Mn. School Board, when informed about the plunging enrollment figures for next year, unanimously was outraged. One astute board member suggested that folks that were forced to leave town by any means, job transfer, elimination, or foreclosure etc be required to fill out a form under oath revealing the reasons for their leaving. "We demand more than silence" one board member moaned. "We do want the truth". Stay tuned as I follow this story. Folks from the frozen tundra are kinda guarded so I will have to dig for this story. Sometimes folks just say that they are seeking "greater challenges elsewhere."

"Attila the Hun Was Just Gettin Things Done": Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Just got the press release from Normal, Mn. this morn, that "Attila the Hun", the famous fisherman from Normal, Mn, well he is really Attila the Hun Johnson, the famed bass fisherman from up in the frozen tundra parts, and he is a real killer in the fishing world....and no he is not killing fish from his perspective, he just sees it as culling the herd. He feels he is just "gettin things done," and ....the more he thinks about it, that is the way he sees the whole world,....just as a bunch of fish waiting to be culled. Nice.

"Paul Bunyan Pants" Suffer Setback: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The Paul Bunyan Supply Store up in Normal, Mn. has suffered an odd tragedy this month, as thousands of the "tougher than tough" Paul Bunyan pants, pants designed to last for all time, have been plagued with a sudden tearing of the crotch upon exertion by the wearer. Customer Service hotlines at the local firm have been swamped as tougher than tough customers demand replacement, but it appears they are keeping the publicity low so as to not be embarassed by the happening...after all, it was embarassing enough out in the woods. Relax. The firm who made the pants has promised to replace them free of charge.

Doomsday Guru Prophet predicts: Tales From Normal,Mn: FICTION

A local bass fisherman, Norman, some call him "stormin Norman" has an uncanny ability to see the future---In fact, after predicting total economic collapse in 2001, 2002,2003,2004,2005,2006,2007,2008,2009,2010, and 2011, he is absolutely sure of the coming collapse in 2012, and has in fact written a short book....well, just a two page memo in truth, which predicts the unravelling in 2012. Some locals have said that Stormin Norman is just "off his medication", but others swear by his prophetic powers. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"Attila the Hun" disputes history books---urges revision: Tales from Normal, MN: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn;  "Attila the Hun" Johnson, famed fisherman of Normal, Mn has issued a press release in which he asserts that his namesake, Attila the Hun, did in fact NOT kill off thousands of jobs, but rather in a more positive light of several hundred years, Attila can be seen as improving the climate of economic development by improving the employment rate, which was darn near 100% when Attila got through with his downsizing. 

National politicians have taken note, and are studying this case for possible imitation.

Longtime Married Couple Enter into talks for more involved consultation: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Imitating the recent announcement that Dean Health System and St. Mary's Hospital are entering into a year long study on how to become more intimately involved....a local couple, Louie and Lorrie have announced that after 32 years of marriage they are also entering a period of more intense engagement now that their kids have left home. 

Citizens Shocked that Budget Cutbacks mean they will pay More: Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Herman from Normal, MN. that local citizens there are walking around town dazed after the news was announced that city and school budget cuts will mean that they will have to pay more out of pocket costs.....They had thought that somebody else....anybody else....maybe somebody from some other town...... or well...maybe even Martians....would pay the shortfall....

Stay tuned as I follow this story.