(Ed.note; The original date of this post if October of 2006.)
Dateline Normal: Budgeting Time Again: or; moxie budgeting revealed- Fiction
(Ed. note. The following is fiction. Any resemblance to reality is purely by accident.)
My readers have been begging me to head out of town for some R&R and to stop writing about money matters, so I wheeled out the old Lincoln for one last trip up Hwy 10. The transmission has been slipping a bit so I felt it might be the last such long trip. After arriving late, I was lucky to get a room at the Spruce Goose Motel. I arose and met my old friend Herman, the country boy lawyer, at the local coffee shop, just adjacent to the historic bait shop with the colored stones.
Before I had even ordered, the waitress, Ginny, came over smiling with my "usual." And in the Blue Minnesota Vikings mug. Right away, I blurted out to Herman, "I have had enough of budgeting for awhile. How do you deal with all the FTE analysis up here in God's country."
Herman just burst out laughing.
"Shucks Wolfman," we don't do any of that FTE stuff up here in God's Country. It is forbidden by the natural law here.
I interrupted, "But...But...how can you present a budget that makes any sense so the elected officials can decide?"
Then Herman spoke boldly, " Just shut up and listen, Wolfman. Up here we have real moxie. Our fiscal year ends on 9-30 so for budget purposes we always propose to the alderman that we add a person on 9-29 of the first year, and quote for all the citizens to see the cost. For example, if we added an employee, we could say we are adding an employee for a cost of $230. The cost of $230 is of course the cost only for the last day of that fiscal year, but the real cost is $60,000 for the next year.
When the citizens see the minutes published in the paper showing the cost of $230 they think we are miracle workers. We are legends up here in God's Country.
"But don't you have to talk to citzens about FTE's," I asked.
"Heavens, no, Wolfman". Talking about that FTE stuff is strictly outlawed up here.
After all, remember the story about the good shepherd. Man, ya gotta treat the folks like sheep in order to be a great shepherd. That was exactly what the good Lord was talking about."
It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where men are men and the numbers are straight and transparent...... and FTE increases are clearly discussed. And the shepherds lead more than weak sheep to pasture.
Alleluia.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Candidate Forum"---FICTION
Dateline Normal: The Candidate Forum---Fiction
(Ed. note: This is one of a long series of tales from the land of Normal, Mn., up just south of Garrison, Mn., and west of the Land of Lake Woebegon. It is not on the Google Earth map, but then neither is Evansville. These tales are on ITunes for FREE and can also be downloaded from this site onto your Ipod. When shipped on cd, they are shipped in a brown paper wrapper clearly marked FICTION.)
This week, with the cold weather alert and all, I thought I would just call Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn., rather than making the long trip. It would save lots of time, and besides, I had called for reservations at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel in Normal where the premium down comforters were standard. All the rooms were taken. They were fully rented all weekend. In the midgst of the cold spell.
"What's goin on up there, Herman? I asked.
"It's real simple, Wolfman, Herman replied.
"It is Candidate Forum Weekend up here in Normal."
"Tell me more. I still do not understand, " I replied.
"Well---we are deeply committed to democracy up here. Our community has over 20 school board candidates. In fact,....we recruit candidates. We have a pre-function at the Hideaway Lounge on Friday night, the Forum on Saturday morn, along with the bake sale, and then the ice fishing contest all day Sunday.
"Why would you recruit candidates?, I asked.
"It's real simple, Herman replied. Each year we have a candidate forum bake sale on Saturday morn. The proceeds from this event are the main source of revenue for the Daughters of the American Constitituion, the big political social group up here. All the ladies belong. In order to ensure that we have enough attendance at the bake sale, folks are actually recruited to run for office so that their relatives will all come to the candidate forum---which is held on Saturday morning DURING the bake sale."
"During the bake sale?", I asked.
"Yes," Herman went on.
"We begin the candidate forum and break for intermission. Then when ALL the baked goods are sold we resume the rest of the program. Sometimes it takes ALL DAY till all the baked goods are sold. "
"Do you mean that the candidates are held hostage to the baked goods?"
"I never thought of it that way, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) In the format of the forum, each candidate is asked why he/she is running for school board. Most say in a loud confident voice that they are running to ensure the success of the bake sale. The crowd goes wild. They just love the loyalty of them folks."
"Then, right after all the baked goods are sold, the candidates that are just running for the bake sale success can withdraw--but not before. It's a real firm rule."
I was just stunned. You mean that candidates just run to raise the attendance at the forum in Normal. And some withdraw after the baked goods are sold?"
"Exactly" Herman replied. "In fact, Wolfman, you might consider trying that format in your town."
The battery on my cell phone was starting to run low, so I had to get off the line.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we don't just hold candiate forums for baked goods revenue. Where candidates are serious and do not just withdraw after the baked goods are sold.
Still. I could understand why someone that was just running for the baked goods might want to withdraw. In fact. I had to agree with Herman. It might be best.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 6:52 AM
(Ed. note: This is one of a long series of tales from the land of Normal, Mn., up just south of Garrison, Mn., and west of the Land of Lake Woebegon. It is not on the Google Earth map, but then neither is Evansville. These tales are on ITunes for FREE and can also be downloaded from this site onto your Ipod. When shipped on cd, they are shipped in a brown paper wrapper clearly marked FICTION.)
This week, with the cold weather alert and all, I thought I would just call Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn., rather than making the long trip. It would save lots of time, and besides, I had called for reservations at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel in Normal where the premium down comforters were standard. All the rooms were taken. They were fully rented all weekend. In the midgst of the cold spell.
"What's goin on up there, Herman? I asked.
"It's real simple, Wolfman, Herman replied.
"It is Candidate Forum Weekend up here in Normal."
"Tell me more. I still do not understand, " I replied.
"Well---we are deeply committed to democracy up here. Our community has over 20 school board candidates. In fact,....we recruit candidates. We have a pre-function at the Hideaway Lounge on Friday night, the Forum on Saturday morn, along with the bake sale, and then the ice fishing contest all day Sunday.
"Why would you recruit candidates?, I asked.
"It's real simple, Herman replied. Each year we have a candidate forum bake sale on Saturday morn. The proceeds from this event are the main source of revenue for the Daughters of the American Constitituion, the big political social group up here. All the ladies belong. In order to ensure that we have enough attendance at the bake sale, folks are actually recruited to run for office so that their relatives will all come to the candidate forum---which is held on Saturday morning DURING the bake sale."
"During the bake sale?", I asked.
"Yes," Herman went on.
"We begin the candidate forum and break for intermission. Then when ALL the baked goods are sold we resume the rest of the program. Sometimes it takes ALL DAY till all the baked goods are sold. "
"Do you mean that the candidates are held hostage to the baked goods?"
"I never thought of it that way, Wolfman,(that's what he always called me.) In the format of the forum, each candidate is asked why he/she is running for school board. Most say in a loud confident voice that they are running to ensure the success of the bake sale. The crowd goes wild. They just love the loyalty of them folks."
"Then, right after all the baked goods are sold, the candidates that are just running for the bake sale success can withdraw--but not before. It's a real firm rule."
I was just stunned. You mean that candidates just run to raise the attendance at the forum in Normal. And some withdraw after the baked goods are sold?"
"Exactly" Herman replied. "In fact, Wolfman, you might consider trying that format in your town."
The battery on my cell phone was starting to run low, so I had to get off the line.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we don't just hold candiate forums for baked goods revenue. Where candidates are serious and do not just withdraw after the baked goods are sold.
Still. I could understand why someone that was just running for the baked goods might want to withdraw. In fact. I had to agree with Herman. It might be best.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 6:52 AM
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Reverse Growth Rate or Declining Birth Rate Con"----Where Normal made their Big Mistake--Fiction
Well it has been sheer delight---two full days of fishing with Herman with that little 25hp Mercury motor. Clear skies. Just a slight breeze. And weather in the upper 60's. What could be better! Not a touch of cloudy weather in sight. WOW.
Last night, right after catching our limit of sunnies, and after a couple of tall cold ones, I just had to ask Herman the question of the moment:
How could Normal have calculated the lots needed for development at 9000? I did grant him a lot of moxie. He got the deal done real quickly. One 24 hour planning session and it was done for all time. Herman was a proud man. He said it was planned that way. I wondered. So I just asked:
"Herman, how did you come up with the idea that you needed 9000 plats for Normal to be developed?"
Herman just let out a huge bellylaugh.
"I knew you would ask, Wolfman. (That's what he always called me.) It's real simple. This was the one time we went outside our town to hire a contract planner to determine our needs. He calculated that since 1776, our growth rate was on average "x" and if we wanted to prepare for the declining birth rate of America, where less and less children would be in each home, just to keep even, we had to add 9000 lots.
"But Herman, I exclaimed, " Normal was only settled in 1899.
"Yup," Herman sighed. That was the big mistake. That planner was one moxie kinda guy----he simply pulled the wool over our eyes-------yes---- he pulled the reverse Freedom Fighters Dollar Averaging con-----I read about it in law school. It was really all my fault. It was one of the most famous cons of all time. I should have known."
"Ya just take the current growth, and in addition to the data, add the zeros back to the American Revolution, and then come up with all this "catch up demand" that necessitates immediate action. I am totally ashamed of falling for it.
I assured Herman that it was common for communites to fall for this con.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where even though we have hundreds and hundreds of unsold homes, we are not tricked by the backward averaging con from the American Revolution to justify busting a controlled growth plan.
Alleluia.
Last night, right after catching our limit of sunnies, and after a couple of tall cold ones, I just had to ask Herman the question of the moment:
How could Normal have calculated the lots needed for development at 9000? I did grant him a lot of moxie. He got the deal done real quickly. One 24 hour planning session and it was done for all time. Herman was a proud man. He said it was planned that way. I wondered. So I just asked:
"Herman, how did you come up with the idea that you needed 9000 plats for Normal to be developed?"
Herman just let out a huge bellylaugh.
"I knew you would ask, Wolfman. (That's what he always called me.) It's real simple. This was the one time we went outside our town to hire a contract planner to determine our needs. He calculated that since 1776, our growth rate was on average "x" and if we wanted to prepare for the declining birth rate of America, where less and less children would be in each home, just to keep even, we had to add 9000 lots.
"But Herman, I exclaimed, " Normal was only settled in 1899.
"Yup," Herman sighed. That was the big mistake. That planner was one moxie kinda guy----he simply pulled the wool over our eyes-------yes---- he pulled the reverse Freedom Fighters Dollar Averaging con-----I read about it in law school. It was really all my fault. It was one of the most famous cons of all time. I should have known."
"Ya just take the current growth, and in addition to the data, add the zeros back to the American Revolution, and then come up with all this "catch up demand" that necessitates immediate action. I am totally ashamed of falling for it.
I assured Herman that it was common for communites to fall for this con.
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where even though we have hundreds and hundreds of unsold homes, we are not tricked by the backward averaging con from the American Revolution to justify busting a controlled growth plan.
Alleluia.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Town that couldn't say "NO"
After a long series of Planning Commission meetings, I felt a need for a little R&R----a time to just fish and relax.
After I got settled in the short fishing boat with the 25 hp Johnson----I always let Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend from Normal, handle the motor. Just baiting the hook or getting the lures out for casting was enough of a challenge for me.
What about all them planning commissions up here in Normal, Herman? Back in Good old Wisconsin they just cannot seem to say NO. What is the point anyhow?
Herman let out a loud bellylaugh. "Shucks Wolfman---(that's what he always called me. Up here it's real simple. We have a platted map for 9000 homes. We did it in a marathon session with a special computer program. Real simple."
"Do you mean you annexed it all and platted it in one fell swoop."
"YUP" Herman said. "That way we got all the pandering out of the way in just one 24 hour session. "
"But you still only have 200 folks in town. That does NOT add up, Herman".
'Oh YES it does add up,"--Wolfman.
We never have to deal with any of them folks again. All the plattin and pandering is DONE. Now its just fishing and regular life. It's just real simple."
I was just stunned. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can meet each month and smile and make speeches and al and never get tired of it. Thank goodness we are free to say YES all the time.
Alleluia.
After I got settled in the short fishing boat with the 25 hp Johnson----I always let Herman, my old countryboylawyer friend from Normal, handle the motor. Just baiting the hook or getting the lures out for casting was enough of a challenge for me.
What about all them planning commissions up here in Normal, Herman? Back in Good old Wisconsin they just cannot seem to say NO. What is the point anyhow?
Herman let out a loud bellylaugh. "Shucks Wolfman---(that's what he always called me. Up here it's real simple. We have a platted map for 9000 homes. We did it in a marathon session with a special computer program. Real simple."
"Do you mean you annexed it all and platted it in one fell swoop."
"YUP" Herman said. "That way we got all the pandering out of the way in just one 24 hour session. "
"But you still only have 200 folks in town. That does NOT add up, Herman".
'Oh YES it does add up,"--Wolfman.
We never have to deal with any of them folks again. All the plattin and pandering is DONE. Now its just fishing and regular life. It's just real simple."
I was just stunned. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can meet each month and smile and make speeches and al and never get tired of it. Thank goodness we are free to say YES all the time.
Alleluia.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Mailbag: Dateline Normal, Mn.: Herman writes: Actors Call: Alert: Normal School Board: Special "Battle of the Little Bighorn scheduled."
(Ed. note; The following note from Herman I have reprinted without alteration:)
Yo. Wolfman. You may remember recently after the General Custer reinactment of the Litle Big Horn that I wrote: (Tales from Normal.)
"After it was all over. Herman spoke in a loud voice to all the actors------"Well done all. And remember----be real kind to your horses. And more important----SAVE the AMMO. I don't want any wild shooting or celebrating. Ya never know when we might need that ammo."
Two big lessons emerged from the battle. Always save the ammo. And..... Always wait for the cavalry.... expecially the cavalry with the t.v. cameras."
I am writing all actors a special notice that a special performance is coming shortly in the annual battle and request all those that saved ammo and horses-----bring em.
Everyone, and especially the t.v. cameras did such a wonderful job last time. I just know we can be very ready for the upcoming production. Stay tuned.
Yo. Wolfman. You may remember recently after the General Custer reinactment of the Litle Big Horn that I wrote: (Tales from Normal.)
"After it was all over. Herman spoke in a loud voice to all the actors------"Well done all. And remember----be real kind to your horses. And more important----SAVE the AMMO. I don't want any wild shooting or celebrating. Ya never know when we might need that ammo."
Two big lessons emerged from the battle. Always save the ammo. And..... Always wait for the cavalry.... expecially the cavalry with the t.v. cameras."
I am writing all actors a special notice that a special performance is coming shortly in the annual battle and request all those that saved ammo and horses-----bring em.
Everyone, and especially the t.v. cameras did such a wonderful job last time. I just know we can be very ready for the upcoming production. Stay tuned.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Dateline Normal: "Why Debt Comes First"; Thinking Green:---FICTION
(Ed. note: This is one of a long series of tales from a land up in northern Minnesota.....a land of fiction.....but other than that.....it is a lot like our own. Enjoy. )
Recently, after watching just one too many videos of the Plunkett Raysich study, I took a long drive. It was spring. I needed a break in the schedule. To fish. To play a little tennis. So I headed up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities to Normal, Mn.
On the long drive, I kept thinking of all those charts of the consultants----the ones that showed that even though locals were not increasing their birth rate.....it was those folks from out of town that kept coming.....and coming....and coming....and they were the ones we were building the schools for. We needed to get ready and incur some debt for them. Why I wondered.
So, I just blurted it out to Herman: "Why would the debt come first Herman? I just do not understand.
Herman just let our a huge bellylaugh. "You are just too busy, Wolfman. (that's what he always called me. It is real simple. The debt always comes first when a revolution happens. Always."
"Whatever do you mean, " I asked.
Herman went on: " In a community where there is a broad section of ages, folks stay in their homes till they die. It is real stable. Real diverse. Real stable."
"Exactly." I said. That is what Evansville is all about. A diverse age range that makes life interesting."
Then Herman said; "The problem is that those old folks pay a small fee for property tax compared to what a young couple would pay with two kids. Two kids would be worth $16,000 of revenue to a school district. Thus, it motivates a sophisticated leader, to add debt, big time....and force seniors out of their homes with higher taxes so younger folks can move to town. It is called in planning documents "recycling the housing stock."
"It sounds pretty "green," but it is terrible news for seniors," I said.
Herman mused, " I guess debt is a form of security for a long career. Nothing is more threatening to a career than a stable community. And lots of seniors. They just got to move on to keep the enrollment up. "
"That's pretty cynical Herman, " I replied. "Do you mean to say that the reason to incur the debt is to keep the enconmy moving by moving the seniors out of their homes?
"Yup," Herman replied. That is what all that "Applied Population gismo" is all about.
It was a long trip back home. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we do not believe in any of that debt first and then enrollment growth. Where we believe in a diverse community of all age groups. Where we resist sophisticated plans to divide and conquer.
Alleluia.
Recently, after watching just one too many videos of the Plunkett Raysich study, I took a long drive. It was spring. I needed a break in the schedule. To fish. To play a little tennis. So I headed up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities to Normal, Mn.
On the long drive, I kept thinking of all those charts of the consultants----the ones that showed that even though locals were not increasing their birth rate.....it was those folks from out of town that kept coming.....and coming....and coming....and they were the ones we were building the schools for. We needed to get ready and incur some debt for them. Why I wondered.
So, I just blurted it out to Herman: "Why would the debt come first Herman? I just do not understand.
Herman just let our a huge bellylaugh. "You are just too busy, Wolfman. (that's what he always called me. It is real simple. The debt always comes first when a revolution happens. Always."
"Whatever do you mean, " I asked.
Herman went on: " In a community where there is a broad section of ages, folks stay in their homes till they die. It is real stable. Real diverse. Real stable."
"Exactly." I said. That is what Evansville is all about. A diverse age range that makes life interesting."
Then Herman said; "The problem is that those old folks pay a small fee for property tax compared to what a young couple would pay with two kids. Two kids would be worth $16,000 of revenue to a school district. Thus, it motivates a sophisticated leader, to add debt, big time....and force seniors out of their homes with higher taxes so younger folks can move to town. It is called in planning documents "recycling the housing stock."
"It sounds pretty "green," but it is terrible news for seniors," I said.
Herman mused, " I guess debt is a form of security for a long career. Nothing is more threatening to a career than a stable community. And lots of seniors. They just got to move on to keep the enrollment up. "
"That's pretty cynical Herman, " I replied. "Do you mean to say that the reason to incur the debt is to keep the enconmy moving by moving the seniors out of their homes?
"Yup," Herman replied. That is what all that "Applied Population gismo" is all about.
It was a long trip back home. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we do not believe in any of that debt first and then enrollment growth. Where we believe in a diverse community of all age groups. Where we resist sophisticated plans to divide and conquer.
Alleluia.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Quid Pro Quo"----the game---FICTION
Well. It's Father's Day time again. The glorious celebration always seems to fall on the hottest day of the year. Finally, I have adjusted and just head on up to Normal, Mn. for the weekend. It just happened that Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend called me last week and reminded me that this weekend was "Vegas Weekend" at the Hideaway Lounge. What perfect timing!
So I just asked Herman: "Herman would you explain all the Vegas thing up here and what it is about?"
Herman said: "Sure Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)...Don't misunderstand. Vegas Weekend was not about show girls and the like. It is true that the promotion showed some showgirls on the billboard. Some might think that was leading folks on. I personally think the guys like all the promotion. Really, the Vegas Weekend is a serious economic development activity sponsored event by the City of Normal,Mn. and specifically supervised by the "Public Benefits Committee". Rather than the ususal games of chance, such as Poker, Black Jack or slot machines, the weekend focuses on three games we just love in Normal: "Liquor licenses," "Grants", and "Zoning." There is no chance about it. It is the CERTAINTY that the guys love.
We just call them all, "The Games of Quid Pro Quo"-----the guys up here are just experts on the details of the games.
You know all about the liquor license game thing, and the zoning game is just like monoploy, but my favorite is the Grant Game. Here is how it works. As you all know, if you give, you should get back in equal value. Not necessarily the same identical thing, but something of equal value. That is called "Quid Pro Quo." In contracts, it is called "consideration."
"In these games the things you give and receive are NOT paid for, but are provided by the taxpayer-----just like Christmas but without the credit card debt. O.K.? Now you can see why the guys like the game. "
"It is a four player game. The first player just shares his feelings----" I need X"---then he waits till someone of the group has something of value that can be traded---some land, some zoning, some grant, something of value of someone else. If there is nothing, they work to manufacture something for that player. Yes. The Game does take time. Years in fact. The guys are real patient at keeping score. They had a special method, though it did not resemble double entry bookeeping. Under the rules of the game, the bookeeping always has to be kept under the table."
Well. It sure was a long Saturday night. Even with Herman's explanation, it was just too darn hard to figure out what was going on. There had been deals over the years that only the four guys at the table knew about and quickly I became confused. Even with my video, and playing it in real slow motion, it still was hard to figure out some of those sly zoning switches.
Thank goodness I am back in home sweet home. Where we celebrate Father's Day in style and not with a bunch of "quid pro quo" games. Where we realy pay for the consideration. Where all the deals are above the table. And where if there are showgirls on the billboards, ya really see them in the show.
So I just asked Herman: "Herman would you explain all the Vegas thing up here and what it is about?"
Herman said: "Sure Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)...Don't misunderstand. Vegas Weekend was not about show girls and the like. It is true that the promotion showed some showgirls on the billboard. Some might think that was leading folks on. I personally think the guys like all the promotion. Really, the Vegas Weekend is a serious economic development activity sponsored event by the City of Normal,Mn. and specifically supervised by the "Public Benefits Committee". Rather than the ususal games of chance, such as Poker, Black Jack or slot machines, the weekend focuses on three games we just love in Normal: "Liquor licenses," "Grants", and "Zoning." There is no chance about it. It is the CERTAINTY that the guys love.
We just call them all, "The Games of Quid Pro Quo"-----the guys up here are just experts on the details of the games.
You know all about the liquor license game thing, and the zoning game is just like monoploy, but my favorite is the Grant Game. Here is how it works. As you all know, if you give, you should get back in equal value. Not necessarily the same identical thing, but something of equal value. That is called "Quid Pro Quo." In contracts, it is called "consideration."
"In these games the things you give and receive are NOT paid for, but are provided by the taxpayer-----just like Christmas but without the credit card debt. O.K.? Now you can see why the guys like the game. "
"It is a four player game. The first player just shares his feelings----" I need X"---then he waits till someone of the group has something of value that can be traded---some land, some zoning, some grant, something of value of someone else. If there is nothing, they work to manufacture something for that player. Yes. The Game does take time. Years in fact. The guys are real patient at keeping score. They had a special method, though it did not resemble double entry bookeeping. Under the rules of the game, the bookeeping always has to be kept under the table."
Well. It sure was a long Saturday night. Even with Herman's explanation, it was just too darn hard to figure out what was going on. There had been deals over the years that only the four guys at the table knew about and quickly I became confused. Even with my video, and playing it in real slow motion, it still was hard to figure out some of those sly zoning switches.
Thank goodness I am back in home sweet home. Where we celebrate Father's Day in style and not with a bunch of "quid pro quo" games. Where we realy pay for the consideration. Where all the deals are above the table. And where if there are showgirls on the billboards, ya really see them in the show.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Dateline Normal, Mn.----"The Liquor License"---FICTION
Well. It's the first weeks of June and everyone is headed out of town. Time to buy some sunscreen, some refreshment, some bait and then hit the road. As ususal, I headed up that long road to Normal, Mn.-----straignt on 94 to the Twin Cities and then up Hwy 10 to just south of Garrison.
Some folks have told me----"You sure live a long way from Normal."
To which I always reply....."YUP".
This trip, I vowed to find a new spot to hang out besides the "Hideaway Lounge." I was getting sensitive to smoke in my old age and wanted to see what the alternatives were. I searched on the Internet and found a whole bunch of bars to go to. There was the "Beer, Bait, and Ammo Lounge," The Speakeasy, The Club, The fishing Line, The Almost a Gentleman Lounge and The Fish Shop Lounge."
When I searched for the addresses for these places, I came up empty---or some had several addreses with the letters AKA, 192 Exhange or AKA 234 Union or etc. I just was thoroughly confused.
I dialed the cellphone and asked my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer friend from Normal:
"Where are these bars, Herman? I just do not get it.?"
Herman let out a loud bellylaugh.
"Shucks, Wolfman. Those are just "tradin bars." It's real simple up here. Ya have to have a physical bar in order to get a liquor license. So the guys just make one up for the city folks for the hearing. Once they get the liquor license, they can trade it like a stock and bond."
Do you mean it is traded like commodities---like a futures option like a Ford September 25 Call option or Put option?"
"Exactly" said Herman. "The only difference is that the value is traded not on any exchange, but rather during "Happy Hour" at the Hideaway Lounge. It is kinda like Monopoly but with a tinge of intoxication thrown in."
Wow. It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where we have real bars and not just "Trading" bars with liquor license futures.
Some folks have told me----"You sure live a long way from Normal."
To which I always reply....."YUP".
This trip, I vowed to find a new spot to hang out besides the "Hideaway Lounge." I was getting sensitive to smoke in my old age and wanted to see what the alternatives were. I searched on the Internet and found a whole bunch of bars to go to. There was the "Beer, Bait, and Ammo Lounge," The Speakeasy, The Club, The fishing Line, The Almost a Gentleman Lounge and The Fish Shop Lounge."
When I searched for the addresses for these places, I came up empty---or some had several addreses with the letters AKA, 192 Exhange or AKA 234 Union or etc. I just was thoroughly confused.
I dialed the cellphone and asked my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer friend from Normal:
"Where are these bars, Herman? I just do not get it.?"
Herman let out a loud bellylaugh.
"Shucks, Wolfman. Those are just "tradin bars." It's real simple up here. Ya have to have a physical bar in order to get a liquor license. So the guys just make one up for the city folks for the hearing. Once they get the liquor license, they can trade it like a stock and bond."
Do you mean it is traded like commodities---like a futures option like a Ford September 25 Call option or Put option?"
"Exactly" said Herman. "The only difference is that the value is traded not on any exchange, but rather during "Happy Hour" at the Hideaway Lounge. It is kinda like Monopoly but with a tinge of intoxication thrown in."
Wow. It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where we have real bars and not just "Trading" bars with liquor license futures.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Graduation"-------FICTION
Recently we in Evansville have been engaged in that month long exercise of May that is called "Awards Season"---and ..... which conveniently reaches its peak at the moment called "Graduation." It sure has evolved as a process over the last 50 years. In fact, locally, the celebration can become so intense and frenzied that it can be a serious threat to public safety. Yes. So, I thought I would just pick up the cell phone and visit a bit with Herman in Normal, Mn., that town up in the northern tundra just South of Garrison, Mn....Just a small fishing village...a getaway spot...but nevertheless a beacon of reasonablensss for the Observer.
"Herman"----How do you deal with all the frenzy of celebration that has become graduation these days? Talk to me."
"It's real simple, Wolfman (that's what he always calls me). We have just eliminated graduation."
"WHAT?", I exclaimed. "How could that be?"
"Take a moment and think a little deeper, Wolfman. Graduation is just one moment. There are many. That is the message we want to send our kids up here. We do not want to make the whole deal bigger than it is. After all, they have their whole lives ahead of them. It's not like this is the peak or anything."
"What about the graduation certificates and all. And yes, the tassels?, I asked.
"Shucks, Wolfman"----we just mail out that stuff a week before the end of school. We don't want to forget any award or recognition----
And....
After all, that week in June is the beginning of fishing season. We want to make sure to clear the decks so that we focus on the really important things....
like FISH."
WoW----what a shocking concept. Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin. Where we still have a huge ceremony and celebration. Where we don't have to focus on FISH and other important things....
"Herman"----How do you deal with all the frenzy of celebration that has become graduation these days? Talk to me."
"It's real simple, Wolfman (that's what he always calls me). We have just eliminated graduation."
"WHAT?", I exclaimed. "How could that be?"
"Take a moment and think a little deeper, Wolfman. Graduation is just one moment. There are many. That is the message we want to send our kids up here. We do not want to make the whole deal bigger than it is. After all, they have their whole lives ahead of them. It's not like this is the peak or anything."
"What about the graduation certificates and all. And yes, the tassels?, I asked.
"Shucks, Wolfman"----we just mail out that stuff a week before the end of school. We don't want to forget any award or recognition----
And....
After all, that week in June is the beginning of fishing season. We want to make sure to clear the decks so that we focus on the really important things....
like FISH."
WoW----what a shocking concept. Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin. Where we still have a huge ceremony and celebration. Where we don't have to focus on FISH and other important things....
Friday, May 25, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Normal Bell Curve"----FICTION
Well it's graduation time again. Time to pencil in all the graduation parties into the schedule. Time to cut back on the normal eating so as to fit in all those goodies, like cake and ice cream, chips and etc.....
I've been getting a lot of announcements lately, and frankly....I am a little confused. One graduate is a valedictorian. But there four in a class of 125. Something has changed over the years. Just to do a reality check, I picked up the phone and called my old friend, Herman, the countryboy lawyer in Normal, Mn.. As you will recall, Normal is up North on Hwy 10 in Minnesota and just south of Garrison. A small fishing village.
I was running out of cell phone minutes, so I just blurted it out:
"Herman, how in the heck could one get 4 valedictorians out of a class of 125? What is goin on? What is your experience up there in Normal?
Herman just let out a big bellylaugh.
"Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) we solved that problem 30 years ago. That was 1977 I recall, and that year we had 30 valedictorians out of a class of 90. It was real messy. The state scholarship came down to a tardy pass. It was a real small difference between them all!
What happened to change things, Herman?, I asked.
"Shucks, Wolfman, that was real easy. We just got fed up with buying all those plaques. It simply blew the budget category. So we came up with a real simple solution.
"What?", I asked.
"Well, in our town square, we have a bell. We just put all the graduates test scores down on a piece of paper, and put the bell on them. That way there is no fooling around. Just a perfect bell curve. Just the natural way. It is real simple!
"Do you mean you have only ONE valedictorian?"
"Exactly", Herman replied.
Wow. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we do NOT have a bell in the center of town. Where we do NOT have just one valedictorian. And where we can have as many valedictorians as can fit on the stage!
I've been getting a lot of announcements lately, and frankly....I am a little confused. One graduate is a valedictorian. But there four in a class of 125. Something has changed over the years. Just to do a reality check, I picked up the phone and called my old friend, Herman, the countryboy lawyer in Normal, Mn.. As you will recall, Normal is up North on Hwy 10 in Minnesota and just south of Garrison. A small fishing village.
I was running out of cell phone minutes, so I just blurted it out:
"Herman, how in the heck could one get 4 valedictorians out of a class of 125? What is goin on? What is your experience up there in Normal?
Herman just let out a big bellylaugh.
"Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) we solved that problem 30 years ago. That was 1977 I recall, and that year we had 30 valedictorians out of a class of 90. It was real messy. The state scholarship came down to a tardy pass. It was a real small difference between them all!
What happened to change things, Herman?, I asked.
"Shucks, Wolfman, that was real easy. We just got fed up with buying all those plaques. It simply blew the budget category. So we came up with a real simple solution.
"What?", I asked.
"Well, in our town square, we have a bell. We just put all the graduates test scores down on a piece of paper, and put the bell on them. That way there is no fooling around. Just a perfect bell curve. Just the natural way. It is real simple!
"Do you mean you have only ONE valedictorian?"
"Exactly", Herman replied.
Wow. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we do NOT have a bell in the center of town. Where we do NOT have just one valedictorian. And where we can have as many valedictorians as can fit on the stage!
Monday, May 21, 2007
Dateline Normal: The New Normal "Unified "Municipal Code---Simplified---FICTION
Recently I have been browsing through Chapter 130 of the municipal code and the proposed additions to make this legal code a "Unified Land Development Code."-----At first I thought if it was "Unified" it might be simpler or shorter. No so.
I picked up the phone and called my old friend, Herman, the countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn., who in addition to being a lawyer, also sits on the Normal School Board.
"Herman, I just do not get this. What is the whole unified code about?, I asked."
"First of all, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me,) when they say "Uniform" you must understand that they DO NOT mean "simpler"----the uniform they are referring to is "Armani suits." "Uniform" code is always very much longer and more complicated than "simple" code. Up here in Normal, Mn., we have just 5 municipal codes. Now THAT is simple. It is just a mathematical thing. Pure beauty."
I don't get how math comes into it, Herman. How come?"
"It's all about Probability. When you have just 5 municipal codes, the number of variations is 5times 4 times 3 times 2 times 1======24. See. Anybody can handle that number of combinations. BUT.
"But the new "UNIFIED" code has 100 sections, " I said.
"That's a problem-----or a blessing, depending on who you are, Wolfman. The number of combinations would be 100 times 99 times 98 etc....and it would be a huge number.....In short, Wolfman, a town would need 10 or twenty lawyers to just handle routine business. "
"Do you mean to say that the folks that are "UNIFIED" are just the lawyers?"
"That's EXACTLY correct, Wolfman." Up here in Normal, we do not have another lawyer besides myself. In fact, everything is so simple------- a notary could handle it."
"WOW." I exclaimed.
"Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can have hundreds of codes and have hundreds of folks that look after everything and not just a notary.
Alleluia.
I picked up the phone and called my old friend, Herman, the countryboy lawyer from Normal, Mn., who in addition to being a lawyer, also sits on the Normal School Board.
"Herman, I just do not get this. What is the whole unified code about?, I asked."
"First of all, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me,) when they say "Uniform" you must understand that they DO NOT mean "simpler"----the uniform they are referring to is "Armani suits." "Uniform" code is always very much longer and more complicated than "simple" code. Up here in Normal, Mn., we have just 5 municipal codes. Now THAT is simple. It is just a mathematical thing. Pure beauty."
I don't get how math comes into it, Herman. How come?"
"It's all about Probability. When you have just 5 municipal codes, the number of variations is 5times 4 times 3 times 2 times 1======24. See. Anybody can handle that number of combinations. BUT.
"But the new "UNIFIED" code has 100 sections, " I said.
"That's a problem-----or a blessing, depending on who you are, Wolfman. The number of combinations would be 100 times 99 times 98 etc....and it would be a huge number.....In short, Wolfman, a town would need 10 or twenty lawyers to just handle routine business. "
"Do you mean to say that the folks that are "UNIFIED" are just the lawyers?"
"That's EXACTLY correct, Wolfman." Up here in Normal, we do not have another lawyer besides myself. In fact, everything is so simple------- a notary could handle it."
"WOW." I exclaimed.
"Thank goodness we are back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can have hundreds of codes and have hundreds of folks that look after everything and not just a notary.
Alleluia.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Can't We All Be in Charge?"--or "Shared Governance" Shines in Normal, Mn. ----FICTION
Monday, September 25, 2006
Dateline Normal, Mn. : "Can't We all be in Charge?"; Or "Shared Governance" Shines In Normal, Mn.--fiction
(Ed. note. The following story from Normal is dedicated to one of my daughters who has been debating issues of "power" and "shared governance" with The Observer. Any resemblance to the real world is purely coincidental.)
It's been a pretty quiet week here in good Old Evansville, so I thought I would head the road up on Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities, and spend a night or two in one of my favorite getaway towns--- Normal, Mn.. I stopped in late at the Spruce Goose Motel and rose in the morn and met my old friend, Herman, the country boy lawyer, for a spot of coffee, as usual, in the deep blue Viking mugs. It felt good. The Vikings were losing on T.V. The Packers were victorious. What could be better. I could at least be tolerant of the differences within the frozen tundra and sip from a Viking mug. I was tolerant and compassionate and benevolent. I could listen. After all, the Packers were in the win column.
I reflected to Herman that I had a few concerns about power these days and .....wondered how power operated in God's country. After all, Herman had recently been elected to the Normal School Board and also was a big activist in Normal, Mn. politics. I figured he should know.
"Shucks, Wolfman," (that's what he always called me) up here, we don't have any power."
"What?", I exclaimed.
"Yup", Herman went on. " Many years ago, we figured out that we could declare a budget crisis and just lay it on the line. We did not have the money to pay for supervisors, so we let every employee take a day as "Shift supervisor." The best part was, though, that we told everyone that normally we would cut wages, because of the budget crisis, but if they took the "in charge" for the day assigned, they could keep their normal pay."
"I cannot believe they fell for that," I said.
"They grew to love it, " Herman explained.
"Even when they were not "in charge", they were always looking over everyone's shoulder and in fact, they became a total auditing department. It is just wonderful!."
"So in fact everyone and noone is in charge?." I asked.
"Exactly" Herman exclaimed. "I know it is hard for you to understand, Wolfman, being as you like those chain of command charts, and being old fashioned as you are, but these are new fangled times, and .....besides.....it's a whole lot cheaper lettin everyone be in charge."
I had heard a lot about this new fangled "empowerment" and "Shared governance" but I never though it could have happened in God's country. What a shock.
Thank God I'm back in good ol Wisconsin. Where we have a structure to our lives. Where we have someone to report to. Where folks are accountable. Where it's not just some web of everybody ...and nobody....that decides.
Alleluia.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 4:54 PM
Dateline Normal, Mn. : "Can't We all be in Charge?"; Or "Shared Governance" Shines In Normal, Mn.--fiction
(Ed. note. The following story from Normal is dedicated to one of my daughters who has been debating issues of "power" and "shared governance" with The Observer. Any resemblance to the real world is purely coincidental.)
It's been a pretty quiet week here in good Old Evansville, so I thought I would head the road up on Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities, and spend a night or two in one of my favorite getaway towns--- Normal, Mn.. I stopped in late at the Spruce Goose Motel and rose in the morn and met my old friend, Herman, the country boy lawyer, for a spot of coffee, as usual, in the deep blue Viking mugs. It felt good. The Vikings were losing on T.V. The Packers were victorious. What could be better. I could at least be tolerant of the differences within the frozen tundra and sip from a Viking mug. I was tolerant and compassionate and benevolent. I could listen. After all, the Packers were in the win column.
I reflected to Herman that I had a few concerns about power these days and .....wondered how power operated in God's country. After all, Herman had recently been elected to the Normal School Board and also was a big activist in Normal, Mn. politics. I figured he should know.
"Shucks, Wolfman," (that's what he always called me) up here, we don't have any power."
"What?", I exclaimed.
"Yup", Herman went on. " Many years ago, we figured out that we could declare a budget crisis and just lay it on the line. We did not have the money to pay for supervisors, so we let every employee take a day as "Shift supervisor." The best part was, though, that we told everyone that normally we would cut wages, because of the budget crisis, but if they took the "in charge" for the day assigned, they could keep their normal pay."
"I cannot believe they fell for that," I said.
"They grew to love it, " Herman explained.
"Even when they were not "in charge", they were always looking over everyone's shoulder and in fact, they became a total auditing department. It is just wonderful!."
"So in fact everyone and noone is in charge?." I asked.
"Exactly" Herman exclaimed. "I know it is hard for you to understand, Wolfman, being as you like those chain of command charts, and being old fashioned as you are, but these are new fangled times, and .....besides.....it's a whole lot cheaper lettin everyone be in charge."
I had heard a lot about this new fangled "empowerment" and "Shared governance" but I never though it could have happened in God's country. What a shock.
Thank God I'm back in good ol Wisconsin. Where we have a structure to our lives. Where we have someone to report to. Where folks are accountable. Where it's not just some web of everybody ...and nobody....that decides.
Alleluia.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 4:54 PM
Dateline Normal: "The Rational Business Model, RBM"---FICTION
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Dateline Normal: The Rational Business Model, RBM----FICTION
(Ed. note. The following is one of a series of fictional tales from Normal, Mn.. These tales are available on CD and mailed in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked, FICTION)
The news has been real confusing lately, with all the political ads----and to make it worse, I have been sorting though all the audio from local school board meetings, trying to make rational sense of all the pronouncements.
So---I decided to head up Hwy 10 north to my favorite city, Normal, Mn., to see whether the brisk cold air could clear my mind. It is tough gettin old. Tough to get all the facts straight. Tough to make heads or tails of what the rational folk are saying.
After a good night's sleep at the Spruce Goose Motel, where all the comforters are down, and the beds are pulled from the wall, economy style, I met Herman at the local diner. Yes, it is just like the old Mickey's Diner in Downtown St. Paul, which is featured on "The Prairie Home Companion," the movie.
I explained to Herman, over a tall, black, no sugar, but lots of whipped cream coffee, served in the blue Minnesota Viking mugs, that it was real hard to compare apples and oranges like I was trained to do, back in grade school. How could one analyze anything if the cagetories kept changing?
Herman just laughed. "Wolfman," (that's what he always called me) the problem is you are not familiar with the "RBM."
"Whatever could the RBM be?", I asked.
"Well, it's real simple. It stands for the "Rational Business Method."
"I still do not understand, " I said, in amazement.
"Well," Herman said, "Remember when Pres. Bush said that we got attacked by the terrorists, and then........ attacked Iraq?"
"Yup," I said. "I remember that real well."
"That was the RBM," The Rational Business Method. If you are attacked by A, it is always best to retaliate against C. It is the classic move. It is sheer moxie.
"It looks different locally," Herman went on. "Up here in Normal, some years back we had a huge crisis in space needs for the elementary school. Man was there division! It was real tense."
"Whatever did you do?" I asked.
'It is real SIMPLE," Herman replied. "We built a new high school." That is the RBM way.
"But how did that solve the problem?", I asked.
"It did NOT solve the problem," Herman went on, "but it did create a real award winnin high school, and besides, we got some real neat athletic stuff."
"What did you do with the elementary school? " I asked innocently.
"Nothing," Herman replied. " We just did away with early childhood education. After all, we are all late bloomers and ..well....sports...and booze...and well....cheese are real big up here in the north country."
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where they do not use the Rational Business Method. Where we do not start wars that do not make sense. And where we do not cut early childhood resources and add soccer lights in the same motion.
And where RBM stands for Real Bunch of Malarkey and not Rational Business Method. Alleluia.
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Posted by Evansville Observer at 1:07 PM 0 comments
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Dateline Normal: The Rational Business Model, RBM----FICTION
(Ed. note. The following is one of a series of fictional tales from Normal, Mn.. These tales are available on CD and mailed in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked, FICTION)
The news has been real confusing lately, with all the political ads----and to make it worse, I have been sorting though all the audio from local school board meetings, trying to make rational sense of all the pronouncements.
So---I decided to head up Hwy 10 north to my favorite city, Normal, Mn., to see whether the brisk cold air could clear my mind. It is tough gettin old. Tough to get all the facts straight. Tough to make heads or tails of what the rational folk are saying.
After a good night's sleep at the Spruce Goose Motel, where all the comforters are down, and the beds are pulled from the wall, economy style, I met Herman at the local diner. Yes, it is just like the old Mickey's Diner in Downtown St. Paul, which is featured on "The Prairie Home Companion," the movie.
I explained to Herman, over a tall, black, no sugar, but lots of whipped cream coffee, served in the blue Minnesota Viking mugs, that it was real hard to compare apples and oranges like I was trained to do, back in grade school. How could one analyze anything if the cagetories kept changing?
Herman just laughed. "Wolfman," (that's what he always called me) the problem is you are not familiar with the "RBM."
"Whatever could the RBM be?", I asked.
"Well, it's real simple. It stands for the "Rational Business Method."
"I still do not understand, " I said, in amazement.
"Well," Herman said, "Remember when Pres. Bush said that we got attacked by the terrorists, and then........ attacked Iraq?"
"Yup," I said. "I remember that real well."
"That was the RBM," The Rational Business Method. If you are attacked by A, it is always best to retaliate against C. It is the classic move. It is sheer moxie.
"It looks different locally," Herman went on. "Up here in Normal, some years back we had a huge crisis in space needs for the elementary school. Man was there division! It was real tense."
"Whatever did you do?" I asked.
'It is real SIMPLE," Herman replied. "We built a new high school." That is the RBM way.
"But how did that solve the problem?", I asked.
"It did NOT solve the problem," Herman went on, "but it did create a real award winnin high school, and besides, we got some real neat athletic stuff."
"What did you do with the elementary school? " I asked innocently.
"Nothing," Herman replied. " We just did away with early childhood education. After all, we are all late bloomers and ..well....sports...and booze...and well....cheese are real big up here in the north country."
Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where they do not use the Rational Business Method. Where we do not start wars that do not make sense. And where we do not cut early childhood resources and add soccer lights in the same motion.
And where RBM stands for Real Bunch of Malarkey and not Rational Business Method. Alleluia.
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Posted by Evansville Observer at 1:07 PM 0 comments
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Dateline Normal: "In Loco Parentis:" The Doctrine of the Crazy Parents---FICTION
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Dateline Normal: "In Loco Parentis;" Doctrine of the Crazy Parents---Fiction
(Ed. note. This story is one of a long series of fictional stories from Normal, Mn., a fictional town in just south of Garrison, Mn., near the famous land of Lake Woebegon. These stories have been recorded and are available on cd, and are shipped to readers in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked---FICTION." Readers do have the permission to download the audio directly from the Observer site. Relax while running, and driving and listen to a land so unlike our own----- the land of Normal.)
Last week, toward the end, while I was learning how to edit video, I had reached the instruction manual breaking point. There is a rule in our family, now that we parents are over 40, a rule that is even stronger among my brothers in law, that we never read the instruction manuals----we just wing it. Anything that can't be seen as "user friendly" or understandable in 15 minutes is simply returned as defective.
So---I decided to take a break and head up that long and winding road, Hwy. 10, north of the Twin Cities to Normal, Mn.
It was great to get back to the Spruce Goose Motel, right kiddy corner from the bait shop, and the only motel in Normal that had stuffed animals on the wall as standard, and yes of course, the fold down beds that lowered down from the wall, and of course the standard comforters---the highest down quality. After a relaxing sleep, I headed over to the coffee shop to meet Herman, my old college chum, now a country boy lawyer, and member of tbe Normal School Board.
I remarked to Herman that schools sure have come a long way. I just could not understand how the United States was able to survive until 1850 when our schools were organized in the territories. How ever did we produce folks like Thomas Jefferson or Alexander Hamilton?
The other thing I wondered was how schools in the northern Tundra handled the doctrine of "In loco parentis", in the place of the parents, the traditional doctrine that public education was founded on. How did it work up in God's Country.
Herman just let our a huge belly laugh.
"Wolfman, it is real simple, " he laughed. Up here we use a real straightforward interpretation of "in loco parentis. I never did learn no Latin, so I just call it the "LOCO PARENTS Rule"----It is just so easy to read Latin. It's just real strightforward. "
"But Herman," I exclaimed, "The role of the schools is just a partial one under the traditional definition."
"NOT UP HERE!" Herman laughed.
"Up here, we simply take charge. We do it our way. The parents are crazy and we have to take over. That's just the way it is. That's our role. It's real simple."
Herman was such a good friend. I just wish he had taken some Latin.
It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where "In LOCO Parentis" does not mean "The Crazy Parent Rule," and where we have choice as parents as to the role that schools play in optional areas of instruction.
Alleluia.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 10:10 AM 0 comments
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Dateline Normal: "In Loco Parentis;" Doctrine of the Crazy Parents---Fiction
(Ed. note. This story is one of a long series of fictional stories from Normal, Mn., a fictional town in just south of Garrison, Mn., near the famous land of Lake Woebegon. These stories have been recorded and are available on cd, and are shipped to readers in a brown paper wrapper, clearly marked---FICTION." Readers do have the permission to download the audio directly from the Observer site. Relax while running, and driving and listen to a land so unlike our own----- the land of Normal.)
Last week, toward the end, while I was learning how to edit video, I had reached the instruction manual breaking point. There is a rule in our family, now that we parents are over 40, a rule that is even stronger among my brothers in law, that we never read the instruction manuals----we just wing it. Anything that can't be seen as "user friendly" or understandable in 15 minutes is simply returned as defective.
So---I decided to take a break and head up that long and winding road, Hwy. 10, north of the Twin Cities to Normal, Mn.
It was great to get back to the Spruce Goose Motel, right kiddy corner from the bait shop, and the only motel in Normal that had stuffed animals on the wall as standard, and yes of course, the fold down beds that lowered down from the wall, and of course the standard comforters---the highest down quality. After a relaxing sleep, I headed over to the coffee shop to meet Herman, my old college chum, now a country boy lawyer, and member of tbe Normal School Board.
I remarked to Herman that schools sure have come a long way. I just could not understand how the United States was able to survive until 1850 when our schools were organized in the territories. How ever did we produce folks like Thomas Jefferson or Alexander Hamilton?
The other thing I wondered was how schools in the northern Tundra handled the doctrine of "In loco parentis", in the place of the parents, the traditional doctrine that public education was founded on. How did it work up in God's Country.
Herman just let our a huge belly laugh.
"Wolfman, it is real simple, " he laughed. Up here we use a real straightforward interpretation of "in loco parentis. I never did learn no Latin, so I just call it the "LOCO PARENTS Rule"----It is just so easy to read Latin. It's just real strightforward. "
"But Herman," I exclaimed, "The role of the schools is just a partial one under the traditional definition."
"NOT UP HERE!" Herman laughed.
"Up here, we simply take charge. We do it our way. The parents are crazy and we have to take over. That's just the way it is. That's our role. It's real simple."
Herman was such a good friend. I just wish he had taken some Latin.
It sure is good to be back in good old Wisconsin. Where "In LOCO Parentis" does not mean "The Crazy Parent Rule," and where we have choice as parents as to the role that schools play in optional areas of instruction.
Alleluia.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 10:10 AM 0 comments
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Dateline Normal: Criminal Complaint Wins National Fiction Award--FICTION
Dateline Normal: Criminal Complaint Wins National Fiction Award---FICTION
(Ed. note: This is one of a long series of fictional stories from Normal, Mn., a town just south of Garrison in northern Minnesota. Where fish are fish and bait are bait. Where seasoned anglers are trained to know the difference. Where it's always daylight saving time. Just to keep things simple. )
This morning in the North American Writers Quarterly Newsletter, there was a startling headline------"Normal District Attorney wins National Fiction Award for Criminal Complaint."
Stunned, I picked up the phone and called my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, who has a law office in Normal. I was lucky. I caught him just as he was about to head out to lunch at the Hideaway Lounge.
"What's goin on up there, Herman!", I asked. Since when are district attorney's winning awards for great fiction?"
It's real simple, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.) Up here we do not have a separate category of school for "Fiction Writing." That's for English Majors. Up here---It is a down home part of real life. Just the natural way. "
"We just go over the recent criminal complaints and----well-----then we review which "over" or "under" charge was the most creative.....which complaint showed the best....best.....fictional content. We have real high standards. This is a real competitive category. After all. We gotta get recognition somehow up here. It is in the FICTIONAL category that we really shine. "
I was stunned. "Can you tell me the details of the winning criminal complaint?, I asked.
"Sure, Wolfman. It was the case of a real popular local up in these here parts. He was originally charged with attempted murder, but then he was finally ticketed with jaywalking. The rumble happened in an uncontrolled crosswalk right next to the Hideway Lounge. Up in these here parts----- we have a real tight jaywalking ordinance. "
"That's just outrageous," I exclaimed. And that criminal complaint won a national award? "
"Yup," Herman chortled. "Aint that something." We won a $5000 cash prize for it. It won "Best Under Charge Award."
"Wow. Now you got my attention. We can do better than that right here in Wisconsin. Where do I send the entry. Then Herman gave me the address.
Thank goodness I am back here in good old Wisconsin. Where we can compete with anyone! Even Normal, Mn. Where we have a high quality of fiction. And where our criminal complaints are the best fiction around. And we will show up Herman. I can't wait to win that award.
(Ed. note: This is one of a long series of fictional stories from Normal, Mn., a town just south of Garrison in northern Minnesota. Where fish are fish and bait are bait. Where seasoned anglers are trained to know the difference. Where it's always daylight saving time. Just to keep things simple. )
This morning in the North American Writers Quarterly Newsletter, there was a startling headline------"Normal District Attorney wins National Fiction Award for Criminal Complaint."
Stunned, I picked up the phone and called my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, who has a law office in Normal. I was lucky. I caught him just as he was about to head out to lunch at the Hideaway Lounge.
"What's goin on up there, Herman!", I asked. Since when are district attorney's winning awards for great fiction?"
It's real simple, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.) Up here we do not have a separate category of school for "Fiction Writing." That's for English Majors. Up here---It is a down home part of real life. Just the natural way. "
"We just go over the recent criminal complaints and----well-----then we review which "over" or "under" charge was the most creative.....which complaint showed the best....best.....fictional content. We have real high standards. This is a real competitive category. After all. We gotta get recognition somehow up here. It is in the FICTIONAL category that we really shine. "
I was stunned. "Can you tell me the details of the winning criminal complaint?, I asked.
"Sure, Wolfman. It was the case of a real popular local up in these here parts. He was originally charged with attempted murder, but then he was finally ticketed with jaywalking. The rumble happened in an uncontrolled crosswalk right next to the Hideway Lounge. Up in these here parts----- we have a real tight jaywalking ordinance. "
"That's just outrageous," I exclaimed. And that criminal complaint won a national award? "
"Yup," Herman chortled. "Aint that something." We won a $5000 cash prize for it. It won "Best Under Charge Award."
"Wow. Now you got my attention. We can do better than that right here in Wisconsin. Where do I send the entry. Then Herman gave me the address.
Thank goodness I am back here in good old Wisconsin. Where we can compete with anyone! Even Normal, Mn. Where we have a high quality of fiction. And where our criminal complaints are the best fiction around. And we will show up Herman. I can't wait to win that award.
Friday, May 4, 2007
Dateline Normal: The Case of the Trellis Manager; Or," The Code Breakers"-----Fiction
Recently I attended a long Planning Commission meeting where the new "Fence Ordinance" was discussed. It covers everything. It seems that the biggest problem in our fair city is that we just do not have enough ordinances, or at least ordinances that are specific enough to address the fine details of current life.
Now take the problem of "TRELLISES." Not a big problem for some of you. O.K. 99.9% of you. But to a professional planner.....they are a BIG problem. Solving it might take a year or two...maybe even longer when you consider commute time.
Trellises are plants that grow on top of--- or around--- fences. They seem just like a plant. Well. They are a plant. But symbolically...and this is where the planner comes in, they are a sign of deep lo down lawbreaking....and the worst threat to civilization faced by civilized folks in these here parts in ages.
Our fair city hopes to solve that menace by the following language: " Trellises: A trellis may be incorporated into the overall design of a fence provided no part is taller than 8 feet and does not extend for more than 10 percent of the length of the side on which it is located." (sec. 130-538 Proposed)
What a stunning accomplishment. What precision. Still....as I thought about the problem of TRELLISES, I pondered that I might need a second opinion. Yes. I needed to call my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, in Normal, Mn., and see what he thought. He was always so down to earth. Downhome. I just knew he had some experience with this problem.
It was pretty clear weather, and I easily got him on the cellphone.
"Herman", what do you know about fences and trellises up there in Normal, Mn.? I need some of your wisdom about this matter."
"Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you are going AT the problem ALL wrong. You are focused just way too narrow. Think about this. VISUALIZE the community you wish to become. Then look to the code of THAT community that you visualize. It is just REAL simple."
"We would like to be a renaissance community where folks can come from all over and walk up and down, shopping in little shops and sipping a latte at the same time. Later they would sit outside and sip cocktails and eat elegant roast beef au jus or maybe specially baked salmon."
"O.K. Wolfman. That is a good beginning. Now you need to go further. If you think real hard you can see what to do. We did in Normal. You want the CODE of a renaissance city-----PRESTO you simply get the municipal code of Rome, Italy---it is on the internet for free. Then you just use a computer translator and you have an instant municipal code that has a PROVEN record of high achievement. AND the history of ENFORCEMENT to prove it."
"Do you mean, Herman, that if we get this code of ordinances of Rome, Italy, we will produce such masters as DaVinci? Will the code of Rome solve everything?
"Not EVERYTHING Wolfman. We had to add parts of the code of VENICE for more watery areas of Normal. A little experience with water comes in REAL handy."
"What ever happened to your city planner, Herman?"
"We have NONE in Normal. We spent $25 for the translation from Italian to English---wudda been cheaper except that there was some Sicilian dialect thrown into parts of the code for the enforcement section. All we have is a part time seasonal trellis manager that cuts grass, inspects porta potties and trellises in the summer. We keep it real simple."
WOW. I got off the phone. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can spend years developing code that was discovered centuries ago and is available for no charge with just a simple language translation. After all, we need it home grown.
Alleluia.
Now take the problem of "TRELLISES." Not a big problem for some of you. O.K. 99.9% of you. But to a professional planner.....they are a BIG problem. Solving it might take a year or two...maybe even longer when you consider commute time.
Trellises are plants that grow on top of--- or around--- fences. They seem just like a plant. Well. They are a plant. But symbolically...and this is where the planner comes in, they are a sign of deep lo down lawbreaking....and the worst threat to civilization faced by civilized folks in these here parts in ages.
Our fair city hopes to solve that menace by the following language: " Trellises: A trellis may be incorporated into the overall design of a fence provided no part is taller than 8 feet and does not extend for more than 10 percent of the length of the side on which it is located." (sec. 130-538 Proposed)
What a stunning accomplishment. What precision. Still....as I thought about the problem of TRELLISES, I pondered that I might need a second opinion. Yes. I needed to call my old countryboy lawyer friend, Herman, in Normal, Mn., and see what he thought. He was always so down to earth. Downhome. I just knew he had some experience with this problem.
It was pretty clear weather, and I easily got him on the cellphone.
"Herman", what do you know about fences and trellises up there in Normal, Mn.? I need some of your wisdom about this matter."
"Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you are going AT the problem ALL wrong. You are focused just way too narrow. Think about this. VISUALIZE the community you wish to become. Then look to the code of THAT community that you visualize. It is just REAL simple."
"We would like to be a renaissance community where folks can come from all over and walk up and down, shopping in little shops and sipping a latte at the same time. Later they would sit outside and sip cocktails and eat elegant roast beef au jus or maybe specially baked salmon."
"O.K. Wolfman. That is a good beginning. Now you need to go further. If you think real hard you can see what to do. We did in Normal. You want the CODE of a renaissance city-----PRESTO you simply get the municipal code of Rome, Italy---it is on the internet for free. Then you just use a computer translator and you have an instant municipal code that has a PROVEN record of high achievement. AND the history of ENFORCEMENT to prove it."
"Do you mean, Herman, that if we get this code of ordinances of Rome, Italy, we will produce such masters as DaVinci? Will the code of Rome solve everything?
"Not EVERYTHING Wolfman. We had to add parts of the code of VENICE for more watery areas of Normal. A little experience with water comes in REAL handy."
"What ever happened to your city planner, Herman?"
"We have NONE in Normal. We spent $25 for the translation from Italian to English---wudda been cheaper except that there was some Sicilian dialect thrown into parts of the code for the enforcement section. All we have is a part time seasonal trellis manager that cuts grass, inspects porta potties and trellises in the summer. We keep it real simple."
WOW. I got off the phone. Thank goodness I am back in good old Wisconsin. Where we can spend years developing code that was discovered centuries ago and is available for no charge with just a simple language translation. After all, we need it home grown.
Alleluia.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
----"Hell Week"---- from Tales from Normal---FICTION
Well...It's that time of year again. Yes. It's Hell Week----that special week when the kids in our town are totally dedicated to the annual musical performance coming this weekend. This week the musical is "Beauty and the Beast."
Everything just kinda runs togther this week....the salads, desserts...the kids leaving for school early to some function and then staying after each night till eleven pm or so.
It might be more hell for the parents than the kids, and maybe it is just that after two have gone and finished college, the third seems to be staying out way past my bedtime. Yes. Maybe that is it.
I wondered about it all. And as I always do...I picked up the cell phone and called Herman, in Normal, Mn.. Normal is that famous getaway town north on HWY 10 north of the Twin Cities, and just south of Garrison, Mn.. It is a just a little west of the Land of Lake Woebegone. I just knew Herman could give me a sense of perspective.
"Herman," do you have a Hell Week up there in Normal?, I asked.
"Shucks, Wolfman"( that's what he always called me) about a decade ago we used to have Hell Week. It was awful. Not any more though."
"Whatever happend?" I asked.
"It's real simple. About a decade ago, a man came to town and suggested that we do a musical......"Music Man" I think it was called. Shucks....every man woman and child in town wanted to be in that musical. "
"That sounds wonderful, Herman. What happened?"
"It was awful," Herman exclaimed. "Ya gotta realize that we only have 200 people in town and it took everyone to make it happen. So----when it came for baseball, golf, track and EVERY sport....nobody could participate."
"Whatever did you do?" I asked.
"It's real SIMPLE'------The Athletic Director cancelled all the sports. And they stayed cancelled. Ever since, we have done "Music Man" every year. It has been just WONDERFUL."
I was just stunned. What a simple choice! No stuggle to do everything. WOW.
I got off the cell phone and thought a bit. We sure are lucky to be back here in Wonderful Wisconsinn. Where we can go from morning to night and do EVERYTHING.....even if the bands are asleep and can hardly play....and even if half the sports teams can't show up for events......
After all. It ain't Hell if ya aint makin it so.
Alleluia.
Everything just kinda runs togther this week....the salads, desserts...the kids leaving for school early to some function and then staying after each night till eleven pm or so.
It might be more hell for the parents than the kids, and maybe it is just that after two have gone and finished college, the third seems to be staying out way past my bedtime. Yes. Maybe that is it.
I wondered about it all. And as I always do...I picked up the cell phone and called Herman, in Normal, Mn.. Normal is that famous getaway town north on HWY 10 north of the Twin Cities, and just south of Garrison, Mn.. It is a just a little west of the Land of Lake Woebegone. I just knew Herman could give me a sense of perspective.
"Herman," do you have a Hell Week up there in Normal?, I asked.
"Shucks, Wolfman"( that's what he always called me) about a decade ago we used to have Hell Week. It was awful. Not any more though."
"Whatever happend?" I asked.
"It's real simple. About a decade ago, a man came to town and suggested that we do a musical......"Music Man" I think it was called. Shucks....every man woman and child in town wanted to be in that musical. "
"That sounds wonderful, Herman. What happened?"
"It was awful," Herman exclaimed. "Ya gotta realize that we only have 200 people in town and it took everyone to make it happen. So----when it came for baseball, golf, track and EVERY sport....nobody could participate."
"Whatever did you do?" I asked.
"It's real SIMPLE'------The Athletic Director cancelled all the sports. And they stayed cancelled. Ever since, we have done "Music Man" every year. It has been just WONDERFUL."
I was just stunned. What a simple choice! No stuggle to do everything. WOW.
I got off the cell phone and thought a bit. We sure are lucky to be back here in Wonderful Wisconsinn. Where we can go from morning to night and do EVERYTHING.....even if the bands are asleep and can hardly play....and even if half the sports teams can't show up for events......
After all. It ain't Hell if ya aint makin it so.
Alleluia.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Dateline Normal: "An Inconvenient Truth"--FICTION
Recently all of Wisconsin has been abuzz about all the politiking on the environment-----uplifting us all to be more sensitive to the needs of our world. In fact the phones have been just abuzzing with robocalls on many items. It seems the intensity to improve and make progress just has eclipsed the human spirit---and to make it possible to achieve our highest aspirations, we need to employ robots to make our calls for us.
Sometimes, when I reflect on these matters, I just pick up the phone and call my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. . What a treat a cell phone call is. For years, Normal was outside of regular cellular service. Last year, an innovative firm offered a unique "bundle" of services that made it all possible. A local bait shop, or rather a beer, bait and ammo shop, a local tai chi and massage salon, and a cellular operator "bundled" their services so that it could be affordable in the northern tundra.
So I reached Herman this morn on his cell phone.
"Herman," I asked, "Have you seen the movie, "Inconvenient Truth?" It seems to be the rage around these parts. It was made by former Vice President Al Gore."
"Haven't seen it, Wolfman. (That's what he always called me.) Up here we still are watching those old John Wayne movies. They are still profitable and run weekly at the "Reel Time" Theatre. I have seen the pitch though. The deal about the heating up of the earth and all. The message just is not too important up here."
"Whatever could be more of an inconvenient truth than that?", I asked.
"Well, Wolfman---up here we are real down to earth. The real threat is MERCURY in the fish. That is going to kill us a lot quicker than a little heatin up of the atmosphere.
"But the number one killer and REAL inconvenient truth is underage drinking. Used to be just a few Elvis rebel types were seen as cool if they smoked and drank. Real hero types. Now with the smokin dying out because of the cancer thing----the real rebel thing has been booze---and what's even worse CHEAP beer. The kids are drinking themselves and all of us to death---death on the highways. The bottom line, Wolfman----ya have to get off the roads by 8PM on weekends. Everyone up in these parts is dead drunk. In fact, they have moved up the happy hour at the Hideaway Lounge to 1pm to 2PM. It has changed everything."
"WOW," I exclaimed. What an energy saver! Ya mean that there is no driving after 8PM."
"Exactly Correct Wolfman. Exactly." "If ya wanna live....ya stay home."
Totally shocked---I got off the phone with Herman.
Thank goodness we live in good old Wisconsin. Where happy hour does not start at 1PM. Where we do not stay home at night so we can be safe. Where we have the freedom to do as we please. Where we still have the power to deny Inconvenient Truth. And welcome the consequences.
Sometimes, when I reflect on these matters, I just pick up the phone and call my old friend Herman in Normal, Mn. . What a treat a cell phone call is. For years, Normal was outside of regular cellular service. Last year, an innovative firm offered a unique "bundle" of services that made it all possible. A local bait shop, or rather a beer, bait and ammo shop, a local tai chi and massage salon, and a cellular operator "bundled" their services so that it could be affordable in the northern tundra.
So I reached Herman this morn on his cell phone.
"Herman," I asked, "Have you seen the movie, "Inconvenient Truth?" It seems to be the rage around these parts. It was made by former Vice President Al Gore."
"Haven't seen it, Wolfman. (That's what he always called me.) Up here we still are watching those old John Wayne movies. They are still profitable and run weekly at the "Reel Time" Theatre. I have seen the pitch though. The deal about the heating up of the earth and all. The message just is not too important up here."
"Whatever could be more of an inconvenient truth than that?", I asked.
"Well, Wolfman---up here we are real down to earth. The real threat is MERCURY in the fish. That is going to kill us a lot quicker than a little heatin up of the atmosphere.
"But the number one killer and REAL inconvenient truth is underage drinking. Used to be just a few Elvis rebel types were seen as cool if they smoked and drank. Real hero types. Now with the smokin dying out because of the cancer thing----the real rebel thing has been booze---and what's even worse CHEAP beer. The kids are drinking themselves and all of us to death---death on the highways. The bottom line, Wolfman----ya have to get off the roads by 8PM on weekends. Everyone up in these parts is dead drunk. In fact, they have moved up the happy hour at the Hideaway Lounge to 1pm to 2PM. It has changed everything."
"WOW," I exclaimed. What an energy saver! Ya mean that there is no driving after 8PM."
"Exactly Correct Wolfman. Exactly." "If ya wanna live....ya stay home."
Totally shocked---I got off the phone with Herman.
Thank goodness we live in good old Wisconsin. Where happy hour does not start at 1PM. Where we do not stay home at night so we can be safe. Where we have the freedom to do as we please. Where we still have the power to deny Inconvenient Truth. And welcome the consequences.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Second Opinion"------FICTION
Last week, just as I was about to head out of town, I got the call. A friend from the Twin Cities had gotten some terrible news. "M" as he is called, had been a fanatical athlete all through the years. All these years his motto has been "If a little is good, a lot is better----about candy...and also weight lifting. If I rowed my rower 200 strokes, he rowed 5000 strokes, if I benched 100 lbs, he benched 300 lbs. But that was then....
"I tore my rotator cuff, " "M" said. I went to a surgeon this morn and he said we needed to go to surgery "immediately." What should I do now?"
This was a rare moment. "M" never called me for advice....about anything. He must have remembered that I spent some time in health care...but that was years ago when ambulance runs cost $50....and when hospitals were hospitals and not medical centers with chopper pads up top. I knew "M" was counting on me for some insight. A little leverage that experience brings. So, I said,
"I'll call Herman in Normal, Mn. and see what he thinks. In the meantime, I will come to the Twin Cities in case we need to get a "SECOND OPINION". I heard about them "second opinions" from truly distinguished international medical facilities that have many chopper pads and where many, many languages are spoken...even English. "
"M" said he would be waiting to hear what I could arrange and see me in 6 hours after the drive.
Enroute, I called Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn. . I relied on his down home wisdom and legal knowhow in.... well,...almost every area of life. I know his specialty was real estate....but still.... I hoped he knew something about rotator cuffs.
"Herman", I said on the cell phone, "what do you know about "second opinions" and where could I get one."
Herman let out a huge belly laugh. "Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me), "second opinions" are dime a dozen. Just go to any bar and strike up a question on baseball or football and you will get lots of second opinions. In fact, love, money and sports are big areas where lots of opinions are available."
"I need one on "rotator cuffs," I said.
"That's a problem, Wolfman. That's a BIG problem. Second opinions are just for stuff that is NOT really too important....like sports.....or.... politics. When it comes to REAL deadly serious stuff....like medicine....and YES....... engineering matters.....there is really only ONE opinion. It's just that when things get REAL serious, folks that consider themselves second opinion guys get all sensitive about offending the sensitivities of any of their "esteemed" collegues. "
"How could that be?," I asked.
"It's real Simple, Wolfman. Remember when you were a kid and you were in the grocery store and wanted a candy bar. "I want THAT ONE MOM,!!!!!! Remember? Your mom offered a SECOND OPINION. "That's not good for you.....".
"Doctors and Engineers are just like little kids. They know a candy bar when they see one....and .....well.....it's rare that anyone ever gets a second opinion out of them.....". Even a clear cut FIRST opinion is sometimes hard. Sometimes ya just get a "double handed" opinion I call em,....."On the one hand....but on the other hand...."....you know what I mean, Wolfman."
"I disagree, Herman, " I blurted out. I just know there must be total professionals that could help. But I will remember what you have said." Then I hung up just as cell phone reception was getting rough.
When I got through the bad cell phone area, I arranged a "stat" second opinion appointment. Had the records faxed. Told "M" I would pick him up shortly and told him to get his medical history sorted out in his head.
When we arrived after a two hour drive to the world famous medical center, I went over the history:
:
Sent MRI Left Shoulder
Sent X Ray Right Shoulder
Confirmed arrival
Had MRI taken Right Shoulder
Had X Ray of Left Shoulder
Sitting in the room with "M" I was thinking about the words of "Herman" and the candy bar. I just knew that a second opinion was possible.
Just then, the doctor entered the consulting room. No sooner than he had entered, his cell phone went off. He smiled. "Just be a second," he smiled. He then went over schedule conflicts in a very detailed way. Then he got three more calls.
After about five minutes of calls, the visit began:
"Well, I have good news, " he said. "The right shoulder is not torn. It is strained, but it should be o.k. if ya just take it easy for a while. "
"What about the left, " "M" asked.
"Shucks," the doc said, "If the right is ok, the left is probably o.k. too."
I could still hear Herman's words about that candy bar as the conversation resumed.
"M' said, "Here is the first doctors report that says the left is torn. "
"Well, if it says so, I guess it is torn, " the doc said.
"When would you like to schedule surgery? Yup. We could fit you in next week. Just let my secretary know."
Just then the cell phone started ringing.
"O.K. lets fit a 3:30Pm in and then adjust the.........as the converstation trailed off......"
I had Herman's telephone number on speed dial.
"O.K. Herman. You were RIGHT. Why didn't you tell me that a SECOND OPINION is just another guy reading the first guy's written report and making another charge?
"Relax Wolfman. Relax...... Just step away from the medical center........ Bring "M" up to Normal. Meet me at the Hideaway Lounge. We've got a real good doc up here that can help. Great Bass fisherman........"
"I tore my rotator cuff, " "M" said. I went to a surgeon this morn and he said we needed to go to surgery "immediately." What should I do now?"
This was a rare moment. "M" never called me for advice....about anything. He must have remembered that I spent some time in health care...but that was years ago when ambulance runs cost $50....and when hospitals were hospitals and not medical centers with chopper pads up top. I knew "M" was counting on me for some insight. A little leverage that experience brings. So, I said,
"I'll call Herman in Normal, Mn. and see what he thinks. In the meantime, I will come to the Twin Cities in case we need to get a "SECOND OPINION". I heard about them "second opinions" from truly distinguished international medical facilities that have many chopper pads and where many, many languages are spoken...even English. "
"M" said he would be waiting to hear what I could arrange and see me in 6 hours after the drive.
Enroute, I called Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn. . I relied on his down home wisdom and legal knowhow in.... well,...almost every area of life. I know his specialty was real estate....but still.... I hoped he knew something about rotator cuffs.
"Herman", I said on the cell phone, "what do you know about "second opinions" and where could I get one."
Herman let out a huge belly laugh. "Shucks, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me), "second opinions" are dime a dozen. Just go to any bar and strike up a question on baseball or football and you will get lots of second opinions. In fact, love, money and sports are big areas where lots of opinions are available."
"I need one on "rotator cuffs," I said.
"That's a problem, Wolfman. That's a BIG problem. Second opinions are just for stuff that is NOT really too important....like sports.....or.... politics. When it comes to REAL deadly serious stuff....like medicine....and YES....... engineering matters.....there is really only ONE opinion. It's just that when things get REAL serious, folks that consider themselves second opinion guys get all sensitive about offending the sensitivities of any of their "esteemed" collegues. "
"How could that be?," I asked.
"It's real Simple, Wolfman. Remember when you were a kid and you were in the grocery store and wanted a candy bar. "I want THAT ONE MOM,!!!!!! Remember? Your mom offered a SECOND OPINION. "That's not good for you.....".
"Doctors and Engineers are just like little kids. They know a candy bar when they see one....and .....well.....it's rare that anyone ever gets a second opinion out of them.....". Even a clear cut FIRST opinion is sometimes hard. Sometimes ya just get a "double handed" opinion I call em,....."On the one hand....but on the other hand...."....you know what I mean, Wolfman."
"I disagree, Herman, " I blurted out. I just know there must be total professionals that could help. But I will remember what you have said." Then I hung up just as cell phone reception was getting rough.
When I got through the bad cell phone area, I arranged a "stat" second opinion appointment. Had the records faxed. Told "M" I would pick him up shortly and told him to get his medical history sorted out in his head.
When we arrived after a two hour drive to the world famous medical center, I went over the history:
:
Sent MRI Left Shoulder
Sent X Ray Right Shoulder
Confirmed arrival
Had MRI taken Right Shoulder
Had X Ray of Left Shoulder
Sitting in the room with "M" I was thinking about the words of "Herman" and the candy bar. I just knew that a second opinion was possible.
Just then, the doctor entered the consulting room. No sooner than he had entered, his cell phone went off. He smiled. "Just be a second," he smiled. He then went over schedule conflicts in a very detailed way. Then he got three more calls.
After about five minutes of calls, the visit began:
"Well, I have good news, " he said. "The right shoulder is not torn. It is strained, but it should be o.k. if ya just take it easy for a while. "
"What about the left, " "M" asked.
"Shucks," the doc said, "If the right is ok, the left is probably o.k. too."
I could still hear Herman's words about that candy bar as the conversation resumed.
"M' said, "Here is the first doctors report that says the left is torn. "
"Well, if it says so, I guess it is torn, " the doc said.
"When would you like to schedule surgery? Yup. We could fit you in next week. Just let my secretary know."
Just then the cell phone started ringing.
"O.K. lets fit a 3:30Pm in and then adjust the.........as the converstation trailed off......"
I had Herman's telephone number on speed dial.
"O.K. Herman. You were RIGHT. Why didn't you tell me that a SECOND OPINION is just another guy reading the first guy's written report and making another charge?
"Relax Wolfman. Relax...... Just step away from the medical center........ Bring "M" up to Normal. Meet me at the Hideaway Lounge. We've got a real good doc up here that can help. Great Bass fisherman........"
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Games of Quid Pro Quo"--FICTION
Dateline Normal, Mn.: "Quid Pro Quo"----the game---FICTION
Well. It's Father's Day time again. The glorious celebration always seems to fall on the hottest day of the year. Finally, I have adjusted and just head on up to Normal, Mn. for the weekend. It just happened that Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend called me last week and reminded me that this weekend was "Vegas Weekend" at the Hideaway Lounge. What perfect timing!
So I just asked Herman: "Herman would you explain all the Vegas thing up here and what it is about?"
Herman said: "Sure Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)...Don't misunderstand. Vegas Weekend was not about show girls and the like. It is true that the promotion showed some showgirls on the billboard. Some might think that was leading folks on. I personally think the guys like all the promotion. Really, the Vegas Weekend is a serious economic development activity sponsored event by the City of Normal,Mn. and specifically supervised by the "Public Benefits Committee". Rather than the ususal games of chance, such as Poker, Black Jack or slot machines, the weekend focuses on three games we just love in Normal: "Liquor licenses," "Grants", and "Zoning." There is no chance about it. It is the CERTAINTY that the guys love.
We just call them all, "The Games of Quid Pro Quo"-----the guys up here are just experts on the details of the games.
You know all about the liquor license game thing, and the zoning game is just like monoploy, but my favorite is the Grant Game. Here is how it works. As you all know, if you give, you should get back in equal value. Not necessarily the same identical thing, but something of equal value. That is called "Quid Pro Quo." In contracts, it is called "consideration."
"In these games the things you give and receive are NOT paid for, but are provided by the taxpayer-----just like Christmas but without the credit card debt. O.K.? Now you can see why the guys like the game. "
"It is a four player game. The first player just shares his feelings----" I need X"---then he waits till someone of the group has something of value that can be traded---some land, some zoning, some grant, something of value of someone else. If there is nothing, they work to manufacture something for that player. Yes. The Game does take time. Years in fact. The guys are real patient at keeping score. They had a special method, though it did not resemble double entry bookeeping. Under the rules of the game, the bookeeping always has to be kept under the table."
Well. It sure was a long Saturday night. Even with Herman's explanation, it was just too darn hard to figure out what was going on. There had been deals over the years that only the four guys at the table knew about and quickly I became confused. Even with my video, and playing it in real slow motion, it still was hard to figure out some of those sly zoning switches.
Thank goodness I am back in home sweet home. Where we celebrate Father's Day in style and not with a bunch of "quid pro quo" games. Where we realy pay for the consideration. Where all the deals are above the table. And where if there are showgirls on the billboards, ya really see them in the show.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 6:54 AM
Well. It's Father's Day time again. The glorious celebration always seems to fall on the hottest day of the year. Finally, I have adjusted and just head on up to Normal, Mn. for the weekend. It just happened that Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend called me last week and reminded me that this weekend was "Vegas Weekend" at the Hideaway Lounge. What perfect timing!
So I just asked Herman: "Herman would you explain all the Vegas thing up here and what it is about?"
Herman said: "Sure Wolfman,(that's what he always called me)...Don't misunderstand. Vegas Weekend was not about show girls and the like. It is true that the promotion showed some showgirls on the billboard. Some might think that was leading folks on. I personally think the guys like all the promotion. Really, the Vegas Weekend is a serious economic development activity sponsored event by the City of Normal,Mn. and specifically supervised by the "Public Benefits Committee". Rather than the ususal games of chance, such as Poker, Black Jack or slot machines, the weekend focuses on three games we just love in Normal: "Liquor licenses," "Grants", and "Zoning." There is no chance about it. It is the CERTAINTY that the guys love.
We just call them all, "The Games of Quid Pro Quo"-----the guys up here are just experts on the details of the games.
You know all about the liquor license game thing, and the zoning game is just like monoploy, but my favorite is the Grant Game. Here is how it works. As you all know, if you give, you should get back in equal value. Not necessarily the same identical thing, but something of equal value. That is called "Quid Pro Quo." In contracts, it is called "consideration."
"In these games the things you give and receive are NOT paid for, but are provided by the taxpayer-----just like Christmas but without the credit card debt. O.K.? Now you can see why the guys like the game. "
"It is a four player game. The first player just shares his feelings----" I need X"---then he waits till someone of the group has something of value that can be traded---some land, some zoning, some grant, something of value of someone else. If there is nothing, they work to manufacture something for that player. Yes. The Game does take time. Years in fact. The guys are real patient at keeping score. They had a special method, though it did not resemble double entry bookeeping. Under the rules of the game, the bookeeping always has to be kept under the table."
Well. It sure was a long Saturday night. Even with Herman's explanation, it was just too darn hard to figure out what was going on. There had been deals over the years that only the four guys at the table knew about and quickly I became confused. Even with my video, and playing it in real slow motion, it still was hard to figure out some of those sly zoning switches.
Thank goodness I am back in home sweet home. Where we celebrate Father's Day in style and not with a bunch of "quid pro quo" games. Where we realy pay for the consideration. Where all the deals are above the table. And where if there are showgirls on the billboards, ya really see them in the show.
Posted by Evansville Observer at 6:54 AM
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Dateline Normal: Saturday Night Lights: "Party Time----at the Grocery Store"--FICTION
Well, it's been a long week. After the long and bruising school board race, there are only so many times a guy can watch Rocky V. After several viewings, I simply got tired of Sylvester Stallone going to the graveyard to put flowers on the grave....It was time to move on.....
I headed out of town and over the long and winding road up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cites to one of my favorite getaway spots---not the only one as some detractors alledge----Normal, Mn.. At the end of that long drive, I was ready for a refreshing beverage. I just could not wait to meet the whole gang at the Hideway Lounge. I had made my reservation at the Spruce Goose Motel so I was ready to party.
I called Herman on the cellphone as I entered town, and he said just to meet him at the Hideway---but they were going to a new place tonight since it was such a special post school board race party. When I got to the Hideaway, I saw the whole gang and they were really dressed up. No scrubby jeans. No rough shaven. No rough and tumble. They were in full party attire.
"What is the deal", I asked. " Why so dressy?"
"It's real simple," Herman belted out. "Up here in northern Minnesota they just passed a law that allows drinking in grocery stores. A free 6oz of beer as a sample. Just in case folks FORGOT how it tastes. Aint that somethun? It's like a miracle. We go out there every Saturday night now. "
I had heard about this new development. Why right here in Wisconsin, our own Gov. Doyle had mentioned that he supported the legislation. In fact, there was hardly one soul in Wisconsin that opposed it. The Gov had said that Wisconsin had a world class product...and well....they had to show off what a fine product it was. It sure was hard to argue with that progressive thinkin. If you have it. Flaunt it. Sell baby sell. Givin it away free is just the way to begin.
"I do not see how 6oz of beer could satisfy anyone, Herman. How does this work?, I asked.
"It's real simple, Wolfman, (that what he always called me.) We just try one bit of a sample and then shop, and shop, .....test another sample...and shop, shop, shop...Why sometimes we spend the whole night.....After a night of drinking beer, it is a natural to buy some snacks....which just happen to be handy. What could be better."
"Wow", I exclaimed. "This is really a dynamite concept."
"Yup," Herman gushed, "It's REAL progressive. That's where the "Fighting" part of Fighting Bob LaFollette comes from. After a full night of beer tastin it is REAL easy to get in a fight in the snacks aisle. The snack shelves sell out real quick. "
Well. Stunned I got in the car and headed back to good old Evansville. Where a Bloody Mary is still available. Where a Martini, shaken not stirred or a Manhatten is within easy reach.....and
Where we party down at Supermarkets---NOT.
Thank Goodness.
I headed out of town and over the long and winding road up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cites to one of my favorite getaway spots---not the only one as some detractors alledge----Normal, Mn.. At the end of that long drive, I was ready for a refreshing beverage. I just could not wait to meet the whole gang at the Hideway Lounge. I had made my reservation at the Spruce Goose Motel so I was ready to party.
I called Herman on the cellphone as I entered town, and he said just to meet him at the Hideway---but they were going to a new place tonight since it was such a special post school board race party. When I got to the Hideaway, I saw the whole gang and they were really dressed up. No scrubby jeans. No rough shaven. No rough and tumble. They were in full party attire.
"What is the deal", I asked. " Why so dressy?"
"It's real simple," Herman belted out. "Up here in northern Minnesota they just passed a law that allows drinking in grocery stores. A free 6oz of beer as a sample. Just in case folks FORGOT how it tastes. Aint that somethun? It's like a miracle. We go out there every Saturday night now. "
I had heard about this new development. Why right here in Wisconsin, our own Gov. Doyle had mentioned that he supported the legislation. In fact, there was hardly one soul in Wisconsin that opposed it. The Gov had said that Wisconsin had a world class product...and well....they had to show off what a fine product it was. It sure was hard to argue with that progressive thinkin. If you have it. Flaunt it. Sell baby sell. Givin it away free is just the way to begin.
"I do not see how 6oz of beer could satisfy anyone, Herman. How does this work?, I asked.
"It's real simple, Wolfman, (that what he always called me.) We just try one bit of a sample and then shop, and shop, .....test another sample...and shop, shop, shop...Why sometimes we spend the whole night.....After a night of drinking beer, it is a natural to buy some snacks....which just happen to be handy. What could be better."
"Wow", I exclaimed. "This is really a dynamite concept."
"Yup," Herman gushed, "It's REAL progressive. That's where the "Fighting" part of Fighting Bob LaFollette comes from. After a full night of beer tastin it is REAL easy to get in a fight in the snacks aisle. The snack shelves sell out real quick. "
Well. Stunned I got in the car and headed back to good old Evansville. Where a Bloody Mary is still available. Where a Martini, shaken not stirred or a Manhatten is within easy reach.....and
Where we party down at Supermarkets---NOT.
Thank Goodness.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Tales From Normal: "Going Green Olympic Style"---FICTION
Well the excitement is building for the 2007 Energy Fair here in Evanville on April 27th, with the grand parade of "veggie" cars coming to town. Everyone from toddler to totally retired is thinking GREEN------ thinking of how totally cool it is to be EVANSVILLE-----the SOYBEAN capital of Wisconsin. WOW! What excitement.
Feeling pretty energized the other night, I picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer in Normal, Mn., the small getaway town up Hwy 10 just south of Garrison and west of the land of Lake Woebegon. I was wondering if they too were concerned with GREEN.
So I just blurted it out: "Herman, have you heard of this GREEN thing. Energy conservation and all. Gas mileage. Sensitivity to the earth and such. Has this concept been heard of up in the northern tundra?
SHUCKS, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) we invented the GREEN concept up here. It was started up here years ago. It was invented by Henry GREEN----a bona fide genuine relative of RED GREEN---
"Do you mean the legendary Red Green of Possum Lodge and the TV show," I asked.
"YES" Herman replied.
"We love everything about the Red Green Show---that is ----except the Possum Lodge pledge."
"What's the problem?" I asked.
"It's real simple," Herman replied. The "Man's Oath," is: "I am a man....and I can change....if I have to....I think."
"Up in these parts, we just say: "I'm a man....and I don't plan on changing anything..Ever."
"We just adjusted the Possum Lodge thing to our cultural norm. It never changes up here. Period.
"What happened to the GREEN thing, " I asked.
"Well," Herman replied, "Every year on EARTH DAY, Henry Green, takes one of them school busses that runs on genuine USA gasoline, and packs the TRACK TEAM in it. That is 75 kids as well as equipment....and sets an olympic record for miles per pound transported. After all. We feel strongly about conservation.
"Ya mean you pack em in like that all year round?" I asked.
"Shucks no," Wolfman. "Just the track team. The football team needs TWO busses. After all. Someone might get sick and a packed bus could get REAL messy."
Thank goodness I'm back in good old Wisconsin. Where energy conservation means more than just packing a track team of 75 in an old school bus to save some energy.
Alleluia.
Feeling pretty energized the other night, I picked up the phone and called my old friend Herman, the countryboy lawyer in Normal, Mn., the small getaway town up Hwy 10 just south of Garrison and west of the land of Lake Woebegon. I was wondering if they too were concerned with GREEN.
So I just blurted it out: "Herman, have you heard of this GREEN thing. Energy conservation and all. Gas mileage. Sensitivity to the earth and such. Has this concept been heard of up in the northern tundra?
SHUCKS, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) we invented the GREEN concept up here. It was started up here years ago. It was invented by Henry GREEN----a bona fide genuine relative of RED GREEN---
"Do you mean the legendary Red Green of Possum Lodge and the TV show," I asked.
"YES" Herman replied.
"We love everything about the Red Green Show---that is ----except the Possum Lodge pledge."
"What's the problem?" I asked.
"It's real simple," Herman replied. The "Man's Oath," is: "I am a man....and I can change....if I have to....I think."
"Up in these parts, we just say: "I'm a man....and I don't plan on changing anything..Ever."
"We just adjusted the Possum Lodge thing to our cultural norm. It never changes up here. Period.
"What happened to the GREEN thing, " I asked.
"Well," Herman replied, "Every year on EARTH DAY, Henry Green, takes one of them school busses that runs on genuine USA gasoline, and packs the TRACK TEAM in it. That is 75 kids as well as equipment....and sets an olympic record for miles per pound transported. After all. We feel strongly about conservation.
"Ya mean you pack em in like that all year round?" I asked.
"Shucks no," Wolfman. "Just the track team. The football team needs TWO busses. After all. Someone might get sick and a packed bus could get REAL messy."
Thank goodness I'm back in good old Wisconsin. Where energy conservation means more than just packing a track team of 75 in an old school bus to save some energy.
Alleluia.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Dateline Normal: "Superbowl Punk"
A classic tale from Normal, Mn., on "Superbowl Punk," the classic 1985 Chicago Bears and the global impact of punk on financial affairs, and even on the Normal School District
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Dateline Normal: The Cameras-----Fiction
Last night after watching the live camera in the historic four square of downtown Evansville capture all the live excitement of the vibrant downtown, I called Herman, my countryboy lawyer friend in Normal, Mn. to share the good news.
" Just click on the link on The Observer," I explained to Herman. "Is that cool or what?"
"What is the purpose?" Herman asked.
"It is just to keep track of the historic restoration of our downtown----basically to watch how the bricks are coming," I responded.
"That's nothin, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.) Up here we had TEN cameras. Man was that something."
"What do you mean HAD ten cameras, Herman. Did not the cameras work properly."
"They worked just WONDERFUL, "Herman gushed. "They worked just too darn well. Ya gotta understand, Wolfman, there are only two intersections in Normal, Mn... With ten cameras we had it totally covered. In fact TOO covered. Our cops just sat in the police station and watched their computers. Pretty soon, it became a threat to public health."
"What do you mean a threat to public health?," I asked. It sounds like nirvana to me."
"It was a threat since all crime just dried up. There was nothing for the police or the judges and lawyers to do. It was a real catastrophe."
"Wow." I said. "I never thought of that possibility."
Thank goodness I am back here in good old Evansville. Where we only have ONE camera downtown. And where we have just enough crime to keep everyone busy.
Alleluia.
" Just click on the link on The Observer," I explained to Herman. "Is that cool or what?"
"What is the purpose?" Herman asked.
"It is just to keep track of the historic restoration of our downtown----basically to watch how the bricks are coming," I responded.
"That's nothin, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.) Up here we had TEN cameras. Man was that something."
"What do you mean HAD ten cameras, Herman. Did not the cameras work properly."
"They worked just WONDERFUL, "Herman gushed. "They worked just too darn well. Ya gotta understand, Wolfman, there are only two intersections in Normal, Mn... With ten cameras we had it totally covered. In fact TOO covered. Our cops just sat in the police station and watched their computers. Pretty soon, it became a threat to public health."
"What do you mean a threat to public health?," I asked. It sounds like nirvana to me."
"It was a threat since all crime just dried up. There was nothing for the police or the judges and lawyers to do. It was a real catastrophe."
"Wow." I said. "I never thought of that possibility."
Thank goodness I am back here in good old Evansville. Where we only have ONE camera downtown. And where we have just enough crime to keep everyone busy.
Alleluia.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
"The Chamber"-----Fiction
Well it's been a real wild and crazy school board race, so right before the election, I thought I would go counterintuitive and escape to do a little reflection, and drive up to my favorite getaway----Normal, Mn.
About an hour this side of town, rolling along nicely on Hwy 10, I called Herman on my cell phone to see if he could meet me at the Hideaway Lounge.
"He's at "Chamber", his secretary said. "He should be through by 6PM. Just meet him at the Hideaway. I will get him the message."
As I parked the car at the Hideaway Lounge, I could see Herman's four wheel jeep, with the "No fear" sticker on the window, a trademark he loved just because it made him feel so young.. He waved a big wave from the bar and I headed towards him. He had already ordered me a drink.
"What's with the "Chamber" I asked. What is that?
"It used to be called the "Chamber of Commerce." Years ago, guys got frustrated cause that is just too darn long a name. Anyway, it still sounds like a death chamber or a gas chamber. The guys just call it "The Club."
"I suppose the purpose is really to drum up business for Normal?", I asked.
"Heavens no," Herman exclaimed. "We haven't added a business here in almost 50 years. The real purpose of the meeting is the lunch. It comes with membership. Once you pay the $150 annual fee, you get the monthly lunch and highball. The lunch is really special since it is the lunch combo special. Guys would cancel a vacation to get this deal. And yes. The regulars usually bring a half-pint of Jack Daniels in their coat to mix with a 7-UP. Sometimes ya need more than just one highball. "
"Besides," Herman went on, "Chamber" is really about keeping folks out----not letting them in. It is real important that we don't get any new fangled business in here that might harm one of the regulars....if you know what I mean. So when we do get a new prospect....we kinda hang em if you know what I mean."
The word "hang" kinda reminded me of the Saddam Hussein "chamber" and it kinda gave me the willies just to think of it.
It sure is good to get back to good old Wisconsin. Where we still have Chamber of Commerce and not just Chamber. Where we really can welcome the new.....and not get on with the hanging.
About an hour this side of town, rolling along nicely on Hwy 10, I called Herman on my cell phone to see if he could meet me at the Hideaway Lounge.
"He's at "Chamber", his secretary said. "He should be through by 6PM. Just meet him at the Hideaway. I will get him the message."
As I parked the car at the Hideaway Lounge, I could see Herman's four wheel jeep, with the "No fear" sticker on the window, a trademark he loved just because it made him feel so young.. He waved a big wave from the bar and I headed towards him. He had already ordered me a drink.
"What's with the "Chamber" I asked. What is that?
"It used to be called the "Chamber of Commerce." Years ago, guys got frustrated cause that is just too darn long a name. Anyway, it still sounds like a death chamber or a gas chamber. The guys just call it "The Club."
"I suppose the purpose is really to drum up business for Normal?", I asked.
"Heavens no," Herman exclaimed. "We haven't added a business here in almost 50 years. The real purpose of the meeting is the lunch. It comes with membership. Once you pay the $150 annual fee, you get the monthly lunch and highball. The lunch is really special since it is the lunch combo special. Guys would cancel a vacation to get this deal. And yes. The regulars usually bring a half-pint of Jack Daniels in their coat to mix with a 7-UP. Sometimes ya need more than just one highball. "
"Besides," Herman went on, "Chamber" is really about keeping folks out----not letting them in. It is real important that we don't get any new fangled business in here that might harm one of the regulars....if you know what I mean. So when we do get a new prospect....we kinda hang em if you know what I mean."
The word "hang" kinda reminded me of the Saddam Hussein "chamber" and it kinda gave me the willies just to think of it.
It sure is good to get back to good old Wisconsin. Where we still have Chamber of Commerce and not just Chamber. Where we really can welcome the new.....and not get on with the hanging.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
"The Life Saver"------Fiction
Last night, right after the Planning Commission meeting, I experienced a once in a life time event-----the chance to save a life. Yes.
I got the cell phone call from the Garrison Hospital Emergency Room at 9PM. Herman, my old country boy lawyer, had been taken via med flight there after suffering heart attack symptoms. I dropped everything and rushed to his side.
I rushed right to the intensive care where he was on a breathing device.
"How did this happen, Herman, ?" I asked. You seemed fine right before Valentine's Day. Then he explained.
For Valentine's Day, his wife gave him a surprise gift. A large Lane stratolounger and a large big screen tv. She explained that she was proud of him, and being that he was on the Normal School Board and all, she felt he deserved it.
The next day, after very little sleep, with all the channels to explore and all, he felt his wife deserved a matching stratolounger----with beautiful leather just like his.
The problem began to build right away however. With the two large stratoloungers and the big screen TV in action, there was no room left to entertain...and even move about.
Then Herman's wife had the solution. A 4000 square ft home was available at the edge of town in the fashionable new area.
"You deserve it, Herman, " she said.
It seems that there were no homes that just had a large living room and nothing else large. It was "supersize" or nothing.
Besides, his wife explained that their "building capacity" had changed and that according to her calculations, they were 2000 sq. ft. short.
What a crisis situation! It was worse than any I had faced here at home. After all. She thought she loved him.
After a whispered conversation with Herman, with all the breathing tubes and such really in the way, I reminded Herman that under Minnesota law, he had a "cooling off period" and I begged him to use it.
He agreed. When his wife saw what rough shape Herman was in, she also agreed.
After arranging for the return of both stratoloungers and the big screen T.V., and cancelling the house purchase agreement, I headed back to good old Wisconsin.
It sure is good to get back home. Where we don't redefine "building capacity" on a whim and give folks a heart attack.
Alleluia.
I got the cell phone call from the Garrison Hospital Emergency Room at 9PM. Herman, my old country boy lawyer, had been taken via med flight there after suffering heart attack symptoms. I dropped everything and rushed to his side.
I rushed right to the intensive care where he was on a breathing device.
"How did this happen, Herman, ?" I asked. You seemed fine right before Valentine's Day. Then he explained.
For Valentine's Day, his wife gave him a surprise gift. A large Lane stratolounger and a large big screen tv. She explained that she was proud of him, and being that he was on the Normal School Board and all, she felt he deserved it.
The next day, after very little sleep, with all the channels to explore and all, he felt his wife deserved a matching stratolounger----with beautiful leather just like his.
The problem began to build right away however. With the two large stratoloungers and the big screen TV in action, there was no room left to entertain...and even move about.
Then Herman's wife had the solution. A 4000 square ft home was available at the edge of town in the fashionable new area.
"You deserve it, Herman, " she said.
It seems that there were no homes that just had a large living room and nothing else large. It was "supersize" or nothing.
Besides, his wife explained that their "building capacity" had changed and that according to her calculations, they were 2000 sq. ft. short.
What a crisis situation! It was worse than any I had faced here at home. After all. She thought she loved him.
After a whispered conversation with Herman, with all the breathing tubes and such really in the way, I reminded Herman that under Minnesota law, he had a "cooling off period" and I begged him to use it.
He agreed. When his wife saw what rough shape Herman was in, she also agreed.
After arranging for the return of both stratoloungers and the big screen T.V., and cancelling the house purchase agreement, I headed back to good old Wisconsin.
It sure is good to get back home. Where we don't redefine "building capacity" on a whim and give folks a heart attack.
Alleluia.
"The Moot Squad"--or "The Fire"--FICTION
On fires, On investigations, On mute or "moot" squads....and much, much, more.
Saturday, March 3, 2007
Dateline Normal---"The MOOT SQUAD"----Fiction
Well....after a real hectic period of weeks in the midst of a wild and crazy school board election race, I decided to take a little time off to go ice fishing. I headed up that long and winding road up Hwy 10 north of the Twin Cities to my favorite getaway town, just south of Garrison, Mn. , Normal,Mn.
Just as I was within a half hour of Normal, they announced on WJCX, the only real down home country radio station in those parts, that the snow plows were being removed from the roads due to decreasing visibility. It was a little harrowing. I just eased the little Mazda up behind a Hummer and proceeded into town. Thank goodness there was still a room left at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel in town with the standard premium down comforters, the stuffed animals on the wall, and the pull down beds.
I was just famished from the long drive. I went right over to the ash tray and grabbed the mini-dove bar that was standard as a little upscale treat, and headed over to the local diner for a hearty breakfast.
Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend, was already right in the middle of his "double-down home hearty breakfast," a plate of 4 eggs, 4 sausage of your choice, double hash browns and a double expresso, when I arrived. I was sold immediately.
"I'll have what he is having, " I blurted out to the waiter.
Before I could even ask about the fishing, Herman announced: "Our plans have changed, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.)" We have a full fledged fire investigation on our hands. "
"Whatever could have happened," I wondered.
"Real simple. " The local beer, bait, and ammo" shop, called "The Bait House," just burned to the ground the other night. It looks real suspicious. All the locals are on the job investigating. The MOOT SQUAD has been called to officially handle the case."
"I just don't understand", I said. WHY would the "Moot Squad" and not the FIRE MARSHAL be called to investigate. "
"It's real simple, Wolfman. Up here whenever there is a fire, we do not waste time looking for a pyromanic.....we just look for the root of all evil----or at least the root up here....and that is beer....bait ......or ammo." That is precisely what the MOOT SQUAD specializes in. "
"I do not understnd why you call it "The Moot Squad," I wondered.
"Well, the rest of the world calls it the ATF, but up here we always call the "MOOT SQUAD", a group of highly trained professionals, investigators, lawyers and administrators---and whenever asked about the investigation-----------they always know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's where the MOOT comes from."
Thinking back on many of the fire investigations I could remember------- I did have to agree with Herman. As soon as the spade work of the locals starts, absolutely everyone who is questioned or does the questioning knows absolutely nothing.
" I know nothing. " "I didn't ask. He didn't say" "I dunnow", " Maybe, Maybenot." they all reply. WOW.
"YUP," Herman chuckled, "It's a real tight knit group. Total professionals. They know absolutely nothing. It's just the way up here. It makes a man proud to just live in these parts."
After a relaxing weekend talking to all the locals about what they knew, I headed back to good old Wisconsin.......where we don't call the MOOT SQUAD first and not the fire department. Where it is the ATF, not the MOOT SQUAD. And where they are saying nothing,.....at least for now. We will see about later......
Alleluia.
Just as I was within a half hour of Normal, they announced on WJCX, the only real down home country radio station in those parts, that the snow plows were being removed from the roads due to decreasing visibility. It was a little harrowing. I just eased the little Mazda up behind a Hummer and proceeded into town. Thank goodness there was still a room left at the Spruce Goose Motel, the only motel in town with the standard premium down comforters, the stuffed animals on the wall, and the pull down beds.
I was just famished from the long drive. I went right over to the ash tray and grabbed the mini-dove bar that was standard as a little upscale treat, and headed over to the local diner for a hearty breakfast.
Herman, my old countryboy lawyer friend, was already right in the middle of his "double-down home hearty breakfast," a plate of 4 eggs, 4 sausage of your choice, double hash browns and a double expresso, when I arrived. I was sold immediately.
"I'll have what he is having, " I blurted out to the waiter.
Before I could even ask about the fishing, Herman announced: "Our plans have changed, Wolfman, (that's what he always called me.)" We have a full fledged fire investigation on our hands. "
"Whatever could have happened," I wondered.
"Real simple. " The local beer, bait, and ammo" shop, called "The Bait House," just burned to the ground the other night. It looks real suspicious. All the locals are on the job investigating. The MOOT SQUAD has been called to officially handle the case."
"I just don't understand", I said. WHY would the "Moot Squad" and not the FIRE MARSHAL be called to investigate. "
"It's real simple, Wolfman. Up here whenever there is a fire, we do not waste time looking for a pyromanic.....we just look for the root of all evil----or at least the root up here....and that is beer....bait ......or ammo." That is precisely what the MOOT SQUAD specializes in. "
"I do not understnd why you call it "The Moot Squad," I wondered.
"Well, the rest of the world calls it the ATF, but up here we always call the "MOOT SQUAD", a group of highly trained professionals, investigators, lawyers and administrators---and whenever asked about the investigation-----------they always know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That's where the MOOT comes from."
Thinking back on many of the fire investigations I could remember------- I did have to agree with Herman. As soon as the spade work of the locals starts, absolutely everyone who is questioned or does the questioning knows absolutely nothing.
" I know nothing. " "I didn't ask. He didn't say" "I dunnow", " Maybe, Maybenot." they all reply. WOW.
"YUP," Herman chuckled, "It's a real tight knit group. Total professionals. They know absolutely nothing. It's just the way up here. It makes a man proud to just live in these parts."
After a relaxing weekend talking to all the locals about what they knew, I headed back to good old Wisconsin.......where we don't call the MOOT SQUAD first and not the fire department. Where it is the ATF, not the MOOT SQUAD. And where they are saying nothing,.....at least for now. We will see about later......
Alleluia.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Dateline Normal: "The Destination Wedding"
On Destination Weddings, the theory and practice. On love and fishing in Normal. On no extra charge....and much, much more.
Dateline Normal: "The Destination Wedding"---Fiction
(Ed. this is one of a long series of tales from the land called Normal, Mn., a land not so unlike our own, up HWY 10 north of the Twin Cities, west of Lake Woebegone and south of Garrison. These tales are available for download FREE from Itunes, and when they are shipped out on cd, they are wrapped in a brown paper wrapper clearly marked FICTION. )
As a baby boomer, now that the kids are graduating from college, and beginning to pay their student loans, it has come as a shock to me that many have decided to get married----a shock since as I calculate it in my mind, they barely can afford an apartment and car with the wages that entry level jobs that are available can provide........
Recently, an excited friend announced that she was going to wed....and planned a "destination wedding." I was unsure of what she was talking about initially. Then she went over the details.
"Destination weddings can save $20,000 from the cost of a regular wedding," she declared in an excited tone. " In fact, by inviting one's closest family members, the lucky couple can get a special discount on lodging and air fare.........and....with the savings can upgrade to even a higher level of luxury. "
Then she just popped the laptop down in front of me and showed me the website. It seems that one could get a dream wedding and honeymoon that regularly cost $60,000 for the superrich, for only $20,000.
She did explain that she well understood that some family members might be unable to pay the 4-6,000 to getaway for a special vacation with the bride and groom. To accomodate those folks, the couple would come back to a local hotel later for a special reception so folks could give more gifts. Absolutely nobody would be overlooked.
As I listened to her speak, I could feel my windpipe begin to close and I felt that an inhaler was not going to help. Indeed, the anxiety was total. Then----just when my breathing was getting mos difficult, she blurted:
"Don't worry. We plan on putting this all on our credit cards. No problem."
I was speechless.
I sat down in the small diner after I arrived in Normal, and soon Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend, joined me for my usual coffee----dark bold, extra sugar and whipped cream, served in the usual dark blue Minnesota Vikings mug.
Herman looked over at me and said:
"Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you look awful. What is the matter? "
"Do you know anything about "destination weddings, Herman?", I asked. I just do not get it. What has happened to the old fashioned ways? "
Herman let out a huge belly laugh.
"Destination weddings are just for folks that don't know where they are going, " Herman said. After all, who would design a celebration that nobody could attend except by putting everyone in financial peril.....and then to make it worse....... do a double dip and plunder the locals who could not attend? "
Then Herman went on. "Up here in Normal, we have PURPOSE. "Purpose" and "Destination" are different."
"How so,?" I asked.
"Up here.......... everything is real simple. We love nature. We just love to fish. And yes .....we love rock and roll at the Hideway Lounge. Love just comes at no extra charge. We do weddings right in the midst of a fishing trip. .....It's no big deal. We just focus on the "purpose" and leave the "destination" thing for confused city folks. "
"Aren't you being a bid hard in this matter Herman?", I asked.
"I am just telling it like it is, Wolfman," he replied.
Then we were off to fish. Herman was helpful in getting the bait just right, getting the right location----wow were the fish hitting.
All the while as we were drifting and casting, I kept going over what Herman had said. Especially the part about the "love" being at no extra charge. I needed to go over the details of that on the next trip.
I have to admit. On the long drive back to good old Wisconsin. I did review. Thank goodness we live in the land of cheese and beer. Where we have "value meals",......and "value weddings".....and where one can schedule a "destination wedding".....and such.
Alleluia.
As a baby boomer, now that the kids are graduating from college, and beginning to pay their student loans, it has come as a shock to me that many have decided to get married----a shock since as I calculate it in my mind, they barely can afford an apartment and car with the wages that entry level jobs that are available can provide........
Recently, an excited friend announced that she was going to wed....and planned a "destination wedding." I was unsure of what she was talking about initially. Then she went over the details.
"Destination weddings can save $20,000 from the cost of a regular wedding," she declared in an excited tone. " In fact, by inviting one's closest family members, the lucky couple can get a special discount on lodging and air fare.........and....with the savings can upgrade to even a higher level of luxury. "
Then she just popped the laptop down in front of me and showed me the website. It seems that one could get a dream wedding and honeymoon that regularly cost $60,000 for the superrich, for only $20,000.
She did explain that she well understood that some family members might be unable to pay the 4-6,000 to getaway for a special vacation with the bride and groom. To accomodate those folks, the couple would come back to a local hotel later for a special reception so folks could give more gifts. Absolutely nobody would be overlooked.
As I listened to her speak, I could feel my windpipe begin to close and I felt that an inhaler was not going to help. Indeed, the anxiety was total. Then----just when my breathing was getting mos difficult, she blurted:
"Don't worry. We plan on putting this all on our credit cards. No problem."
I was speechless.
I sat down in the small diner after I arrived in Normal, and soon Herman, my old country boy lawyer friend, joined me for my usual coffee----dark bold, extra sugar and whipped cream, served in the usual dark blue Minnesota Vikings mug.
Herman looked over at me and said:
"Wolfman, (that's what he always called me) you look awful. What is the matter? "
"Do you know anything about "destination weddings, Herman?", I asked. I just do not get it. What has happened to the old fashioned ways? "
Herman let out a huge belly laugh.
"Destination weddings are just for folks that don't know where they are going, " Herman said. After all, who would design a celebration that nobody could attend except by putting everyone in financial peril.....and then to make it worse....... do a double dip and plunder the locals who could not attend? "
Then Herman went on. "Up here in Normal, we have PURPOSE. "Purpose" and "Destination" are different."
"How so,?" I asked.
"Up here.......... everything is real simple. We love nature. We just love to fish. And yes .....we love rock and roll at the Hideway Lounge. Love just comes at no extra charge. We do weddings right in the midst of a fishing trip. .....It's no big deal. We just focus on the "purpose" and leave the "destination" thing for confused city folks. "
"Aren't you being a bid hard in this matter Herman?", I asked.
"I am just telling it like it is, Wolfman," he replied.
Then we were off to fish. Herman was helpful in getting the bait just right, getting the right location----wow were the fish hitting.
All the while as we were drifting and casting, I kept going over what Herman had said. Especially the part about the "love" being at no extra charge. I needed to go over the details of that on the next trip.
I have to admit. On the long drive back to good old Wisconsin. I did review. Thank goodness we live in the land of cheese and beer. Where we have "value meals",......and "value weddings".....and where one can schedule a "destination wedding".....and such.
Alleluia.
