"Gun and Ammo sales ignite economy": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that sales for the past month have skyrocketed in the category of Guns and ammo, and the huge increase has required the hiring of numerous full time employees to handle the onslaught of in person, on line, and mail orders. According to the text, this may be just the thing that saves Normal, Mn. from the disasterous recession of the past five years. Some merchants are trying to design promotions where folks that order several cases of ammo, and include some fishing gear and bait receive special discounts...Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Political Candidate Pledges Solidarity with Remote Kiwi Atoll: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Mitt Johnson, the Presidential candidate for the Normal, Mn. zoological society, has declared his undying Solidarity with a remote island called the "Kiwi Atoll"---the atoll is only inhabited by hundreds of penguins, but Mitt's presidential advisors felt it was an opportunity for an error free performance and a chance to develop a distinctive style. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Politicos stunned when Letters to the Editor returned: "Return to Sender Out of Business": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The local grassroots political organization from Normal, Mn. was stunned today when 475 letters to the local editor of the Fishook News were returned to the Grassroots local office marked "Return to Sender, Out of Business." It seems that traditional media had been closed for over two years and the astute grassroots organization had not noticed. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Eternal War, Guns, Outsourcing Key Planks of Presidential Hopeful: Tales From Normal, MN.: FICTION

The principal conservative candidate for the President of the Normal, Mn. Recycling Initiative, Mitt Johnson, highlighted his strengths yesterday while standing on the top of a pile of junk at the local landfill in Normal, Mn.. "I stand for guns, war, keeping America Strong, and outsourcing of our local jobs, and I am proud of it." Most of the folks watching the speech did not quite understand it, since they were on average over 80 years old. All the young with quick wit and any IQ had long ago left Normal, Mn. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"Retail Stores Close: All shopping Safe, Online"; Tales from Normal, Mn.; FICTION

Just got the text today, shocking text, that all the retail stores have closed in Normal, Mn., a small fishing village in northern Minnesota---in response to the gun violence pervading movie theatres and in response to the concealed carry laws---now until further notice all commercial transactions will be handled online. This should be tricky for the local bait store, but I will keep you posted on how they will handle that business.

Forget the Movies: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

I love the movies...so it was real traumatic to get the text from Normal, Mn. this week that described the effect the shooting in Colorado on the movie going public in Minnesota---in short....folks are staying home...it's cheaper and ya don't have to die. The founders of this great country had no intention to protect the use of AK 47 or automatic rifles in movie theatres---the right to bear arms had to do with survival and hunting for survival....This incident must have a direct bearing on the Presidential election in that the total love fest of the Republican Party with the NRA is leading to the destruction of America. Make a note of it.

"God told me to hide money offshore" Candidate says; Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

After a long day of bass fishing on the chilly boat ride home in the dim lighting of northern Minnesota, Billy Bob---one of the very best bass fisherman alive got the idea of hiding his money overseas---after all, God wanted him to be successful, and that probably meant tax free, and who knows...maybe with this strategy..someday...maybe...just maybe...he might be President.

Peace Would be Devastating--Create Cliff for War Machine: Tales From Normal, Mn:FICTION

Just got the text today from Normal, Mn. that the Veterans of Lost Wars have issued a scathing report on the devastating prospects if in fact any type of "peace" is achieved after the upcoming election......it makes clear that it would be a veritable "Cliff" for the military to fall off of.... In fact the final sentence of the 10 page report sums it up: War is the ultimate "entitlement". We need war. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Two Year PHd Program Launched in Normal, MN.: Tales From Normal, FICTION

Totally streamlined is the word of the day---all the bull, and non tech has been removed from the traditional PHd program, and the result is truly stunning, according to local pundits at the Normal, Mn. Community College. The Complete two year program can be fully financed including living expenses, at the local Credit Union in Normal, Mn.. Living expenses are pretty low, expecially since all the locals like to do a little fishing every day--yes you do have to worry about the mercury level affecting your studies, but look at it this way...ya won't be worried to death about the expenses.... The Normal, Mn. Community College is located next to the Billy Bob Bait Shop in Normal, Mn., and is a proud member of the local chamber of Commerce. You can find the trustees each morning having coffee at Betty Lou's Coffee Shop in downtown Normal. Laptop computers are available to register online at the coffee shop, and the locals can help you with any questions. Full time students are elegible for bait credit that can cut your fishing bait costs up to 50% per year. Be sure to ask for details.

"CEO says he did nothing, and was paid for it--it's the truth": Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

After the fifth Press conference in just one day, CEO Billy Bob from Billy Bob's Bait Shop in Normal, Mn. was frustrated that folks just would not believe him that he was not responsible for the poor conduct incident at Billy Bob's Bait shop, that he was just the CEO and yes was paid a huge salary but was NOT actively involved in the business...and that is not unusual...it is just the way things are...the American Way as it were...and all folks in the 1% have it that way..."Please believe me" he said.

Elite Exclusive Lakeshore Mecca Wants to Be Destination, kinda: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys up in Normal, Mn. at Betty Lou's Cafe, that to their surprise, the exclusive high end community on the shores of Lake Winnewonka, a Lake where only private beaches are allowed, and there is no public access, supposedly since one can never be too careful of foreign crabs on the bottoms of boats from other cities of the frozen tundra, and besides, folks of the lower classes just do not have the right stuff to spend time on a lake, and only a brief view from a far is worthy---- yes, those very same folks, in the midst of an economic crisis of a lifetime, have discussed in city councils, the necessity to become a "destination city" where those very same "foreigners" who had been so despised for generations, will be lured to come and dispose of their cash, and then leave after spending in designated resort hotels and mini casinos.... The guys at Betty Lou's are wondering whether there might be an opportunity to create an upscale bait store, where nothing but the finest bait would be offered....stay tuned as I follow this story.

Agents may have partied more than once: Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

After further review, it appears that agents on assignment may have partied more than once while present in Normal, Mn. protecting dignitaries during a week long fishing contest knows as the Normal, Mn. Tails Up Fishing Contest. The ladies at the "Fish Hook News" office just down from the bait store has assumed that the Tails up referred to either cleaning the fish or tossing of the dice in the euchre games at local cabins...but after further review of this and the incidents of black SUV vans being parked diagonally across lawns rather than properly inside the driveways as designated, it appears that there may indeed have been some irregularities happening, but most of the individuals have long been deceased. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

"The Cows are Relocating": Tales from Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text this am---that the cows from the frozen tundra of Normal, Mn., that small fishing village just a hop, skip and jump from Garrison, Mn., are relocating due to the drought----and the boys at Betty Lou's Cafe, where all the coffee is double strong, with whipped cream at no extra charge, and double sugar...are wondering whether the cows are really trying to tell them something...maybe...the cows have become the role models..the cows are leaving to avoid the drought...and maybe they should too...stay tuned as I follow this story.

Even in Crisis, TV Stock Pundit feels stocks in his Stock Trust are fantastic; Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

"Wild and Crazy Jim", a noted stock guru that touts a daily stock picking TV show, today asserted that even though all stocks in the universe seem to be plunging, the stocks he owns in his "blind trust" are fantastic, and that when considering the "long" view of 2000 or 3000 years, they will do just fine, and probably will outperform fixed investments....He particularly recommended these growth stocks to the blind, the infirm and any older investor that needed a walker to walk...asserting that this would be a "perfect match."

Church decides to lengthen time permitted for a kiss to be "mortal"

After serious weighty discussion of the plentitude council, it was decided that to adjust to the modern world, a kiss would be mortal if lasting twenty seconds, rather than the previously determined ten seconds. No explanation was given, but the determination was held to be infallible.

City Boldly decides on sidewalks after five years of discussion

After five years of bold discussion, the elders of Normal, Mn have decided to leave the sidewalks just as they are and add no more,.

Bridge to Nowhere is Renamed Bridge to the Future: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

No big story. Locals said it was one in the same really, just a technical correction.

Normal, Mn. faces Mandarin Crisis: Chooses Native born: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text today from the guys at Betty Lou's cafe in Normal, Mn. that described the latest victory of local governmental savvy---it seems that the Normal School District, in order to provide for the best preparation for their students, wanted to add Mandarin to the curriculum....but also wanted to ensure that the teacher was the most qualified native speaker available.... So after an exhaustive search among all the teachers that had been born, bred, and totally educated in that small fishing village of 200, they decided to simply use audio cassettes. Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Workers work for FREE hoping to spark recovery; Tales From Normal, Mn.:FICTION

Just got the surprising text today from Normal, Mn. that workers at the Normal Widget Factory have agreed for a two week period to work for nothing in order to spark economic recovery...Management has responded that they would like the situation to be permanent.

Pope excommunicates dissident--Murdoch says to fire Romney Staff: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Well, Well, Well...just got the text today from Normal Mn from the guys at Betty Lou's Coffee shop...lots of stir there that the Pope has excommunicated a guy that disagreed with him, and in beautiful contrast, Rupert Murdock has urged Mitt Romney to fire his campaign staff for disagreeing with Rupert Murdock....nice.

Homeless Thrilled with low interest rates: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Recently at the Green Valley Homeless Shelter in Normal, Mn., in a group discussion with residents, they were asked about the bad and good in their life. It should be noted that there was lots of woe listed, but the one good thing on the right side of the blackboard was "low interest rates." That must make the folks at the Federal Reserve happy...to think that in the midst of woe they can crack a smile somewhere, even if nobody can do anything about it...having no jobs or opportunity and all.

Diabetic Decides for Natural Remedy: Mostly Beer and Chips: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the text this am. From Betty Lou's Coffee shop in Normal, Mn.; Seems one of the favorite of the bass fisherman announced that he was going off all his meds for diabetes and has decided to ignore his doctors recommendation and just stick to a natural remedy. When asked what his diet will be, he replied: "Just cheap beer and chips."

Dramatic Rise in Concealed Carry Workers sparks Economic Rebound: Tales From Normal, Mn.; FICTION

City fathers in Normal, Mn. were beaming with pride today after it was discovered that economic activity has dramatically grown due to the tremendous rise in "concealed carry" workers in this famous, small fishing town of 500. After hiring 400 concealed carry workers to help deal with the surge of gun permits for residents, many of whom, staunch patriots every one, have four or five guns each. Normally, visitors have just one each. What a pleasant surprise!! One fisherman at Betty Lou's coffee shop has suggested that this might be a national role model for economic recovery. He has suggested a little ditty or song, titled, "We're down, We're Out, but We're Armed!" Stay tuned as I follow this story.

Politicos seek additional sides of mouth as two deemed inadequate: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

Just got the summary text from Normal, Mn., where in the serenity of a small town coffee shop, namely the famous Betty Lou"s Coffee shop, they are trying to chart on the wall the sayings of the national politicians--- On the one side of the wall is the call for integrity, transparency, good old fashioned work ethics and "market values" and then on the other side is the call to regulate nothing, and keep everything just the way it was, and allow the banks to trade like drunken sailors with options and derivatives and all the while have everything guaranteed by the taxpayers; on the one side of the wall the call for a 7.5% interalized return for pensions of government workers, and on the other side of the ledger a call in horror of the 7% rate for Spanish bond yields...It's horror on both sides really. So in the coffee shop there has been a call that speaking out of both sides of politicos mouth has been unsuccessful, and true politicos have to learn to speak out of four or five to be effective in the age where there are so many cell phones that can now catch streaming video.

"yo dude let's talk about jobs"; + rock and roll=win

Last weekend as I drove through Normal, Mn, that small walleye fishing village a little ways from Garrison, I happened to spy the writing on a wall---and it seemed to be...well...just the way the Lord would speak to me...maybe after a few beers after fishing...and it suggested that ...yo...with a little rock and roll in the background, and a little talk about jobs..yo..it might be good.

Seniors urge cut to Social Security, increase to Defense Budget: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

A hefty contingent of seniors residing in the Mother of Mercy alzheimers unit of the Queen of Peace and Perpetual Fishing Nursing Home in Normal, Mn., today urged their congressman to cut Social Security for all recipients, even themselves in order to engage in further foreign wars to protect the fatherland. Emma, a 92 yr old spokesperson, said that she was particularly worried about Syria, and would gladly give up her Social Security beneift even if it meant having to become homeless...she was so sure that Syria posed a big threat to her peaceful life in Ward 7. When asked further where Syria was, she seemed confused but thought it was somewhere near New Brighton. Stay tuned as I follow this developing story.

"Locals" vote for austerity as long as it does not affect them: Tales From Normal, Mn.: FICTION

The locals, or the common council of Normal, Mn, that small fishing village in Northern Minnesota where the obsession with bass fishing has given them a peaceful focus that has inspired the world....today voted to approve austerity, with the condition that it not affect them. In short, austerity of any kind is good in theory, but is best applied to those living far away, such as Greeks or Spanish....and in the latter case, the Spanish have the advantage of the heritage of the Spanish Inquisition so they are better equipped to handle the sacrifice, starvation, death and devastation necessary to achieve the beautiful objective of "austerity."

Obesity Group Warns of Exercise: Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION Mn:

Just got the urgent text today from the Obesity Support Group in Normal, Mn. who are warning all their members, who meet weekly or bi-weekly in support sessions to aid weight loss, that they should be alert to the dangers of exercise---mostly exercise that is longer than one hour, since some writer on the internet thought it might be hazardous, and very hazardous if any of those obese patients should venture to run a triathlon, marathon or maybe even an ironman event. It was unclear from the text whether any person in Normal, Mn. had ever, much less someone from the obesity group, run in any exercise, or even extreme exercise. The obesity group also reminded their members to fully support their local beef and dairy councils and remember to stay strong with beef and dairy. They urged the members to be vigilent to resist any effort of the Normal School Board to raise the GPA requirement higher than 1.5 for athletic participation, or in any way cut athletics even though the district has been devastated by government aid cuts.

Out of Control Banker Tells Graduates they are in Control of Their Life; Tales From Normal, Mn: FICTION

Today Jam E Dimon, the noted financial wizard banker of Wall Street told the 32 high school graduates from Normal, Mn, glistening with pride at the fact that 31 of those graduates were named top of the class, that they should "proceed to their lives with a full measure of confidence ....that they were in control of their destiny." He then went on to say that recent errors of his bank were beyond his control, and that he deeply resented any attempt by folks that were guaranteeing the capital of his bank through taxpayer guarantees on deposits..well...he objected to any control whatsoever...and... He also denied any personal responsibility for any bad things that had recently happend in his organization. He also said that he had no intention of returning any of the 11 million dollars in salary and stock options that he got in compensation, calling it "very well deserved." What a wonderful comic performance for all those graduates.

"The Candidate I Buy and Pay for is the BEST": Tales From Normal, Mn; FICTION

Just got the text today from my old friend Herman, the bass fisherman from Normal, Mn. Seems that there was a bunch of fishermen in Betty Lou's coffee shop this afternoon, downing some cool frapachinos due to the heat and all...and there broke out a huge political argument about who was the best political candidate for several offices...the noise got pretty fierce...till one one young buck raised his voice...stood on a table ...and shouted: "The Candidate that I Buy and Pay for is the BEST"..... All at once everyone became still. They recognized the truth of that zealous youngster....and the wisdom seemed pretty homegrown...or at least sounded familiar to some news from Wisconsin....and they got to thinking clearly about the bass fishing for tomorrow....and about larger issues....like how they were going to pay the rent....